Holiday - am I being a misery?

[DracunculusVulgaris]

My partner has mooted the idea of us going to Tenerife, during the May half term break, next year, in conjunction with her son, daughter in law and 8 year old grandson and has sent me the details of the hotel complex which they are considering. It is, as I suspected, in the midst of a very touristy hot-spot of similar hotels, apartments etc, full of shopping malls, nightclubs, bars, family entertainment hubs, waterparks and so on. I am sure it would suit many but, I have to be honest, it sounds like my idea of purgatory, misery, torture and hell on earth! My preference is to spend quiet time, in quiet places, doing quiet things with quiet people, preferably in wide open spaces and surrounded by green and living things - I am autistic, an introvert and shy away from crowds, heat, noise, bright lights and, being virtually teatotal, also avoid bars and am not remotely interested in alcohol, so, all in all, this is just not the kind of location or destination I would be at home in. My partner seems irked by the fact that I am not leaping up and down with excitement at the prospect and, I want to say "no, you go, have a good time, but it is not for me", but I am almost afraid to do so. However, I feel obligated to say "yes" and go along with it, not least because a few weeks ago she went, with her sister, for a beach/hotel holiday in Mauritius and I sidestepped that one for similar reasons! I also said "no" to a projected 4 day trip to Amsterdam next year, to see the bulb fields, with my partner, her sister and mum, not least because out of the 4 days, 2 would have been spent stuck on a coach, travelling there and back.

Please be honest with me - am I being a misery, unfair and obstructive for not wanting to go on these holidays which are just not "my kind of thing'?

For full context, I am male and in my early sixties.

@GloriaMonday, thank you for the clarification and I hope that I did not offend.

Sadly you are right - as a gardener by profession I, of all people, should know that you cannot create a beautiful bower on barren land! I like your analogy!

I despair. Only this morning my partner and I had a discussion about how uncomfortable I feel with my work colleagues' vulgarity and constant swearing and, during the course of a call this evening, she was swearing constantly for no reason, so much so that I had to hold my phone out at arms length to avoid hearing it. She has also gone to see friends this evening for drinks and has said that she will be driving home afterwards, knowing how I feel about this, having vivid memories of being driven, as a child, by my mum when she was under the influence. It all feels deliberately provocative...

And, whilst cleaning her car for her, last weekend, I found a half consumed bottle of wine behind her driver's seat. When I asked about it she said that it was some remnants she had been intending to drink while visiting her mum. Not sure that I believe that!

I can assure you that this is all true and not some attention seeking invention on my part.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

Is there anything you actually like about this woman - I can’t see anything from your posts.

Life’s too short to be with someone that’s not right for you.

@DracunculusVulgaris , I can assure you that this is all true and not some attention seeking invention on my part. But why do you persist?

There are plenty of women out there you could get click with who'd value you for your intelligence, your hard work ethic, your personality and just because you're you, yet you are in a relationship where the reward seems to be that you enjoy helping her mother.

I'm single, I don't swear in company and I don't drink and drive, and I don't want to go to the Canary Islands. My mother has a garden you could tend. She has a terrible boggy lawn in winter, dry in the summer, grows plants in pots, and will not listen to me -
every year she complains that her forsythia hasn't flowered and there it is in its miserable little pot. What does she expect?

She won't do anything about the lawn - the house is about 25 yrs old, and the lawn is built on builder's rubble, I expect.
Any advice?

** My mother is really nice but a feeder and won't listen to me. If a man told her to stick the forsythia in the ground, she'd do it and say that Drac was a genius.

Could you suggest a villa nearby or something? That's what we do on group holidays. Near enough for those who want to go to the tourist strip to get a taxi, and quiet enough for me and my mum 😂

Another workable analogy is "flogging a dead horse". You are both very different people and largely incompatible and there is nothing in your many, many posts on the subject to suggest this is a happy relationship for you.

You sound completely incompatible 😳 I’m very similar to you and the thought of being with someone who is so outgoing, with lots of friends, always wanting to be out surrounded by people / busy holidays etc is my idea of hell! There’s no way I’d ever get even as far as dating someone like that. I’m thankful my dh and I are very similar.

But that’s ridiculous. You’re incredibly set in your ways, yes, but no one completely reinvents themselves for a relationship, and no one could realistically expect it. You just need to end this. For everyone’s sake. She experiences you as a rigid killjoy, you experience her as demanding, exposing you to situations you dislike and wanting you to be someone you’re not.

It just doesn’t work. You’d be doing both of you an enormous favour by ending it. I don’t see where you’re getting the ‘much hurt and ill feeling’ from.

OP I’ve read your comments and your other thread and it makes for some sad reading.
You sound lovely, and your interests are great! There are many of us who share (some of) them, you do just need to look for groups to join. Start online if there are none in your local area.
I’ll be blunt, your so-called girlfriend sounds absolutely awful.
I’m basing a lot of my comments on your other thread details, but sounds to me like she’s a raging narcissist who wants you to move in with her so that you are fully trapped and controlled.
Worrying about this holiday idea is the least of your concerns!
You don’t need to change a single thing about yourself, you sound genuine, authentic, kind and interesting.
I think if you took her lovely Mum out of the equation, you’d find it easier to walk away.
The relationship you have with the Mum is not enough of a reason to stay with her abusive daughter. So sorry that your relationship with your own Mum was so awful and but sometimes you just have to accept that and not cling onto what you perceive to be a replacement (yes I do know something about this, my mother is a controlling & manipulative narcissist).
They say that you end up dating people who have similar traits to your parents - food for thought perhaps?
You would think the alcohol issues your Mum had would be reason enough to steer clear of your partner with her drunk driving habits.
Honestly OP you are not failing if you let this relationship go - you are finding self-respect and standing up for yourself, which no one else is going to do.
Forget this whole holiday idea and end this disaster of a relationship.
Yes she will be angry - but after that, you block her, and you are free!
Free to join all the clubs you like without someone threatening you.
And for the love of God DO NOT sell your place and move in with her - you will be trapped, fully under her control, and utterly miserable. At the moment you have options, so please choose wisely!

You are not supposed to turn into a personality to suit another person better. You haven't failed. You should be in a relationship with someone who suits your personality. Yes, we can and should, if necessary, make small changes to behaviours or make compromises in a relationship but not change completely. Changing from an introvert to an extrovert is never going to work. Trying to turn yourself into a party animal isn't going to work either and similarly, your girlfriend isn't going to be able to turn herself into someone who wants to sit quietly in the outdoors.
Nobody has failed. You just aren't compatible.

You should end the relationship. She has said she will never leave her home city and you say you can't adapt to living in a city. Neither of you are wrong. It just means that there is absolutely no future for this relationship and it would be better to end it now.

Edited after seeing your reply about city and selling up - you aren't compatible sadly. You want different things and don't seem to be able to find a compromise that makes you both happy: this isn't just about a holiday.

@DracunculusVulgaris , from what you post it sounds like your 'DP' despises you.

To end it, I would telephone and say something like:
'Michelle, I've had time to think and this relationship isn't working. We're not compatible - never were and never will be. We don't want the same out of life and we don't make each other happy. I'm ending the relationship. Goodbye.'

Then I would block her on social media and phone.

The OP is afraid of being completely alone so he won't break it off with her. Instead he prefers to portray her badly online so strangers can tell him how appalling she is in comparison to his 'lovely' self.

We could volunteer to phone him drunk and swear at him every now and then.

That’s how it comes across now. The first thread I had sympathy but they’re completely incompatible and rather than end the relationship, it seems the OP just wants to gone on here and get sympathy from random women telling him how dreadful his partner is.

Obviously we’re hearing a very one sided story and I wonder how different her side would sound.

But it’s obvious to anyone that this couple are totally wasting their lives in a dead end relationship with someone they have zero in common with. Life too short for this nonsense

@DracunculusVulgaris "I am being urged to sell up and move to her city as she has openly said, on several occasions, that she will never leave her home city. "

Why would you even entertain such a move, or be bullied or cajoled into it? You have told us, quite strongly, that you like your rural life and hate cities. Why are you so worried about ending this - you say you want to avoid hurt etc - but do you think she will really, seriously, be upset or hurt if you ended things? It seems you are just a handy adjunct to her life. None of us know how much time we have on this planet, none of us know how short our one precious life might be. I URGE you to rethink this relationship, join those clubs, seek out like-minded people and above all - for the love of whatever deity you believe in - fully enjoy the life left to you. Wishing you strength.

The reality of different destinations, are very often completely different to perceived expectations.

Hardly, exciting fishing and bird watching for a woman