Holiday - am I being a misery?

[DracunculusVulgaris]

My partner has mooted the idea of us going to Tenerife, during the May half term break, next year, in conjunction with her son, daughter in law and 8 year old grandson and has sent me the details of the hotel complex which they are considering. It is, as I suspected, in the midst of a very touristy hot-spot of similar hotels, apartments etc, full of shopping malls, nightclubs, bars, family entertainment hubs, waterparks and so on. I am sure it would suit many but, I have to be honest, it sounds like my idea of purgatory, misery, torture and hell on earth! My preference is to spend quiet time, in quiet places, doing quiet things with quiet people, preferably in wide open spaces and surrounded by green and living things - I am autistic, an introvert and shy away from crowds, heat, noise, bright lights and, being virtually teatotal, also avoid bars and am not remotely interested in alcohol, so, all in all, this is just not the kind of location or destination I would be at home in. My partner seems irked by the fact that I am not leaping up and down with excitement at the prospect and, I want to say "no, you go, have a good time, but it is not for me", but I am almost afraid to do so. However, I feel obligated to say "yes" and go along with it, not least because a few weeks ago she went, with her sister, for a beach/hotel holiday in Mauritius and I sidestepped that one for similar reasons! I also said "no" to a projected 4 day trip to Amsterdam next year, to see the bulb fields, with my partner, her sister and mum, not least because out of the 4 days, 2 would have been spent stuck on a coach, travelling there and back.

Please be honest with me - am I being a misery, unfair and obstructive for not wanting to go on these holidays which are just not "my kind of thing'?

For full context, I am male and in my early sixties.

@MadKittenWoman , OP will be with a woman he's not on the same wavelength as and who seems controlling. She's unlikely to want to explore, and unlikely to let him do anything.

OP has been on several threads and he and his DP are mismatched.

I think you're right in all your reasons for not going and it's OK to say she should go alone...sometimes. However, I do wonder why you're together.

@DracunculusVulgaris you say if you refuse to go you will be in for it, but if you do go you will be utterly miserable, and probably end up annoying her, so either way it's lose-lose. Except of course, I guess, if you do stay home you will have a couple of weeks peace and quiet. Do you have a harmonious relationship in other areas?

Actually I think you sound very snobby and if you took the trouble to investigate, you would discover that all these islands have beautiful parts.

it's like saying you're not going to somewhere like Majorca because of its reputation from the 70s. Majorca is the most beautiful island if you get to away from the tourist traps.

Just hire yourself a car and go off and explore the island a holiday is exactly what you make of it you don't need to be stuck at the hotel the whole time

Honestly, I would divorce you;I couldn’t bear to continue living with such a killjoy. She might as well be single, given that you make her go everywhere without you all the time.

Can you not find something you could all like eh villa with private pool so you don't have to deal with crowds etc?

Re Tenerife it really does depend on the resort. Some are indeed horrendous but some are beautiful and will have quiet areas.

@RomeoRivers , they're not married and don't live together. From what I understand from other threads, it's a LDR from OLD, the DP likes a drink a bit too much, they have nothing in common, and the DP is controlling.

My DH is autistic and finds most things that bring me joy and pleasure actively aversive and intolerably unpleasant.

I prefer it when he opts out of activities he won’t be able to cope with. When he comes along to be ‘polite’, he shits all over everything with his dark moods and constant criticism of everything / belittling of people he feels superior to. Some of this he can’t help, but a lot of it is acting out / subversive compliance / being a shit because he didn’t have the guts to say no and wants to make that my fault.

It’s just easier to leave him at home.

There’s just not a way to make your partner happy here if you hate the things she enjoys and vice versa, but she wants you to come along anyway.

You are not compatible, as others have said, and both of you need to accept this and adjust your plans and expectations accordingly.

She needs to really get what it means that you’re autistic - that you can’t just adapt and be cheerful.

Fair enough, in that case just call it quits, as it clearly isn’t working for OP.

Are you the same poster who was moaning a couple of weeks ago about how generally uncultured and uneducated his girlfriend was?

Why are you still with her if you despise her and her interests?

You aren't well-matched.
Does the relationship work in other ways and do you have other things in common? Because from the description of the holidays you each like, you are polar opposites.
I would also absolutely hate the holiday complex in Tenerife or the trip to Las Vegas but love the type of holidays you like. However, I've never been in a relationship with anyone who has wanted to go to Tenerife or Las Vegas so it has never been an issue.
If you get on well apart from the holiday thing then you maybe need to agree to holiday separately or you pick one holiday and your partner picks the next and you "put up with it" because you love the other person and want them to enjoy their holiday.
But I suspect you aren't compatible in other ways either.

Not sure that it is entirely fair to label me as a 'killjoy' just because I am not comfortable in busy, noisy, crowded places! Few introverts would be. Or because I am wary and cautious around alcohol, for which I have very strong personal reasons. Whilst I freely admit that I will never be the life and soul of the party and am a 'homebird', happiest in my own environment, I am as happy as the proverbial pony in a clover field when in surroundings, or engaging in activities which are important and stimulating for me. I cannot see anything wrong with that.

And I don't make her go everywhere without me - in fact I frequently engage in things which are alien to me in order for us to spend time together.

If you were my partner, I'd rather you opted to stay home. My husband is similar to you. He struggles with the travelling more than the holiday itself. Since covid he's opted to stay home. I go away with my eldest. Its working for us. When he comes along, to anything, when he'd rather not, he's actually really grumpy and a misery to be around. Better we're both happy.

@JazzyBBBG, this is a very good idea and may well work as a compromise, thank you for the suggestion.

@cgpcbtm, yes, polar opposites we most certainly are and two peas in a pod most definitely not! I live in the depths of the countryside, surrounded by nothing but open fields, greenery, wildlife and my bees and chickens and have always lived in similar environments, whereas my partner has always lived in a city, which is an alien place for me and not somewhere where I could ever adapt to living, but I am being urged to sell up and move to her city as she has openly said, on several occasions, that she will never leave her home city. So there are other factors at play, not just a mismatch over holiday choices! I know that we need to go our seperate ways, but don't know how to do it without much hurt or ill feeling and I feel so guilty over feeling that I have failed and not been able to turn into the personality which would suit her better.

Sorry, didn’t realise this as I’ve not seen the OP’s other posts. I just wanted to show the other side of Tenerife as I too was a previous sceptic and am now fond of the Canaries’ landscape and culture.

@MadKittenWoman, I am open to finding the non touristy side of Tenerife, most definitely, and exploring the geography, landscapes and wildlife, it is just the idea of being in a busy, crowded holiday complex which is anathema to me, my partner will want to spend every minute with her grandson so I guess I will just have to go it alone, explore solo and find my own peace!

I notice the OP isn't responding to your posts. Having seen the links, it is staggeringly clear that this relationship is ridiculous and their incompatibility, evident in all of his posts about her.

But no doubt he will be back with a new conflict to share, rather than see what is plainly obvious.

In fact, some of my favourite garden plants originate from the Canaries and it would be interesting to see them growing in their home habitat. For the same reasons I would love to visit Lesotho, the Drakenburg Mountains and Southern Africa..

@Diosmonet , you have a good point there. Maybe there isn't a DP at all and he's using the thread to get attention.

You sound like a thoughtful and kind person, OP, and you are so right - there is absolutely nothing wrong with who you are and the things that bring you comfort and happiness. I really do think though that this relationship isn't working - you are not compatible.

The reason that I haven't responded directly to GloriaMonday's posts is because she (or possibly he - mustn't make assumptions!) has clearly read at least some of my other threads and therefore is acquainted with most of the background, to which I can add very little.

And my autism, by its very nature, means that I am not always able to process thoughts alone, the reason why I seek guidance, thoughts and perspective from others here, particularly as I often wonder if I am being unfair, have unrealistic expectations of a relationship or am 'at fault' in some way. I am trying to make it work, for everyone concerned, and am doing the best I can, subject to my personality traits and, yes, aversion to certain things. I cannot make myself 'unautistic' - I wish that I could - and can only work with what I have and who I am

I'm female, @DracunculusVulgaris . You seem to be an intelligent chap but you are trying to grow a garden on a rock where your relationship is concerned. It won't flourish. It won't reward you.

I am neither autistic nor introverted (very NT and extrovert) but I wouldn’t agree to any of the trips that you have mentioned. I just wouldn’t enjoy them, so would say no. Agree to suggesting alternatives 👍