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Original poster

Men and conversation

109 replies

rubberduck68 · 01/12/2025 14:58

Had a date last night and once again, I was talked at. This is common for me. It goes like this: I talk about something, and instead of being curious and asking me a question, or responding to what I’ve said, they tell a long, boring story that vaguely (but hardly at all) has some connection. The stories are always long, and I feel that I could just get up and leave and someone else could sit in my seat and they wouldn’t even notice. I ask them a follow up question, and another long, unconnected story arrives... and so on. Is this why these men are single? Where are all the men who can chat in a reciprocal way? Is it just me?

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 01/12/2025 15:03

Sorry, that sounds shit. To be generous to them some of them might just be babbling on because they are nervous. But it’s more likely they are just a bit self-involved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:05

I ask them a follow up question

Why? Tell your own story, see how they react.

PatThePenguin · 01/12/2025 15:07

You need to learn to interrupt or arrange a more boring look on your face.

I don't socialise with men like this so I don't really know many.

Although I did work with one recently but I closed down his attempts to talk at me immediately.

TaraC25 · 01/12/2025 15:09

Ha I was literally just debating starting my own thread because my boyfriend is like this and I am really struggling with feeling unheard. He talks over me, uses his phone lots when we're together (a choice, not a necessity) and he doesn't show interest in what I've done in life between our meet-ups.

A simmering resentment is bubbling away....

I don't think it's all men, no. There must be interesting/thoughtful ones out there..! X

MarginWalker · 01/12/2025 15:10

Yes, that’s why these men are single. It’s so sad. So many great women out there, so many men who can’t be even remotely interesting. The pool is so uneven. I’ve given up. I’m not bothering with these awful boring dates.

TwistedWonder · 01/12/2025 15:15

I had a few dates like that before I decided not to bother and that being single was better than wading through a swamp just in case there’s a teeny tiny diamond right at the bottom.

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 04:30

I dated for over a decade and found a tiny number of men who weren't like this. I'd say around 1 in 10 had a profile that made you think they might have enough intelligence to have a two way conversation but then only 1 in 10 of those actually could do so over messaging. When you met up with the 1 in 10 that could, only 1 in 10 of those seemed to retain the ability on a date, or sometimes they could do a balanced chat for one date then by date two they just gave up and let you ask them hundreds of questions. It was incredibly disheartening but I did eventually meet someone. I can't say I've ever noticed much difference with the men who found relationships without having to resort to OLD though. I have friends who settled down very quickly and most of their partners are just as bad although there are a few who are gems. I think there's actually academic research on this - it's just another form of men leaving all the work to the women! Although I say this sheepishly as a woman who has fatigue issues and has a man who actually does everything for me. I don't think that's the norm though and it took a lot of work to find him. I also know women who are non-askers but fewer of them.

Lifelover16 · 02/12/2025 04:42

Oh yes! They ask you a question but it’s so that they can waffle on about themselves. Eg “ Him have you ever been backpacking ?” Me “no, I’ve never had the opportunity” Him “Oh but you should! We had a great time when I went to the Far East ….” and descriptions of his experience.

In my experience men who are skilled at conversation are few and far between but I am of an age when many are old chauvinists.

Edited for grammar

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 09:40

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 04:30

I dated for over a decade and found a tiny number of men who weren't like this. I'd say around 1 in 10 had a profile that made you think they might have enough intelligence to have a two way conversation but then only 1 in 10 of those actually could do so over messaging. When you met up with the 1 in 10 that could, only 1 in 10 of those seemed to retain the ability on a date, or sometimes they could do a balanced chat for one date then by date two they just gave up and let you ask them hundreds of questions. It was incredibly disheartening but I did eventually meet someone. I can't say I've ever noticed much difference with the men who found relationships without having to resort to OLD though. I have friends who settled down very quickly and most of their partners are just as bad although there are a few who are gems. I think there's actually academic research on this - it's just another form of men leaving all the work to the women! Although I say this sheepishly as a woman who has fatigue issues and has a man who actually does everything for me. I don't think that's the norm though and it took a lot of work to find him. I also know women who are non-askers but fewer of them.

It's interesting what you say about the messaging holding up but then the IRL conversation not doing so. I think I'm being chat-fished sometimes: they are using AI to sound articulate and conversationally bright, and then you meet them in person and it's tumbleweed!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 09:41

MarginWalker · 01/12/2025 15:10

Yes, that’s why these men are single. It’s so sad. So many great women out there, so many men who can’t be even remotely interesting. The pool is so uneven. I’ve given up. I’m not bothering with these awful boring dates.

I think that I am nearly with you on that. Considering just throwing it all in. I defo feel like I have dating fatigue.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 09:42

TaraC25 · 01/12/2025 15:09

Ha I was literally just debating starting my own thread because my boyfriend is like this and I am really struggling with feeling unheard. He talks over me, uses his phone lots when we're together (a choice, not a necessity) and he doesn't show interest in what I've done in life between our meet-ups.

A simmering resentment is bubbling away....

I don't think it's all men, no. There must be interesting/thoughtful ones out there..! X

Edited

So my friend has a husband who does this, and every time he talks over her, she puts her hand up at him and says, "you are talking over me, please stop." He looks really shocked BUT THEN CARRIES ON. I don't know how she stays with him, it's so frustrating to watch.

OP posts:
FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 09:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:05

I ask them a follow up question

Why? Tell your own story, see how they react.

Yes, exactly. Don’t sit about demurely waiting to be invited into the conversation in anything other than a supporting role. Occupy the conversational space. If Mr Monologue can’t handle the focus being off his gym routine or prize marries, at least you know early.

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/12/2025 09:51

Dump him with feedback:

I suggest working on your conversation style because you were completely self involved and unengaging. Hope you do better next time. Bye

Block

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/12/2025 09:53

rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 09:42

So my friend has a husband who does this, and every time he talks over her, she puts her hand up at him and says, "you are talking over me, please stop." He looks really shocked BUT THEN CARRIES ON. I don't know how she stays with him, it's so frustrating to watch.

Edited
Show quote history

My ex was like this. He said I mustn't ever interrupt him and to simply wait till he had finished talking. I used to time him and over half an hour would go by, still no end in sight. He always had this way of making sure I was sat down and he would be standing over me the whole time. It was clearly a power move. Urgh what a horrible time and a horrible man.

DancingLions · 02/12/2025 10:11

I used to have a rule in my head when OLD. If they hadn't asked me a question about myself in the first 24hrs, instant block. It's not going to get any better from there on in so no point in wasting time.

I think a lot of people in general have lost the art of a proper 2 way conversation. There's a few friendships I've let drift in recent years because they would just talk at me and had no interest in my life. I have no interest in being anyones audience, I have better things to do with my time.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 02/12/2025 10:22

My DH does this but I've told him off about it so he'll now catch himself and say "I'm doing that thing again, relating everything back to myself, sorry". I don't mind as in his case it's a clumsy attempt to show that he relates to whatever I'm saying by sharing his own story and he truly cares about everything that's going on with me, which he shows in a multitude of ways. Point is I think you're right OP that men are socialised to bang on about themselves and this probably applies to many good men as well as selfish arseholes. The only way to tell the difference is to be really honest and direct about it (in a nice way) and see how they take that feedback

labamba18 · 02/12/2025 10:29

My husband says this about men. They’re much more likely to interrupt and bore you with their long tales. They also don’t ask questions. He’s relatively successful in his field so they seem to want to impress him and doing so just talk about themselves. I think it’s a mix of insecurity and lack of awareness.

vincettenoir · 02/12/2025 10:29

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 02/12/2025 10:22

My DH does this but I've told him off about it so he'll now catch himself and say "I'm doing that thing again, relating everything back to myself, sorry". I don't mind as in his case it's a clumsy attempt to show that he relates to whatever I'm saying by sharing his own story and he truly cares about everything that's going on with me, which he shows in a multitude of ways. Point is I think you're right OP that men are socialised to bang on about themselves and this probably applies to many good men as well as selfish arseholes. The only way to tell the difference is to be really honest and direct about it (in a nice way) and see how they take that feedback

This is good IMO because it shows he listens and is capable of reflection.

Unhappyitis · 02/12/2025 10:37

TaraC25 · 01/12/2025 15:09

Ha I was literally just debating starting my own thread because my boyfriend is like this and I am really struggling with feeling unheard. He talks over me, uses his phone lots when we're together (a choice, not a necessity) and he doesn't show interest in what I've done in life between our meet-ups.

A simmering resentment is bubbling away....

I don't think it's all men, no. There must be interesting/thoughtful ones out there..! X

Edited

Then end it. Life is too short for that. Make sure you tell him why.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 13:43

FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 09:44

Yes, exactly. Don’t sit about demurely waiting to be invited into the conversation in anything other than a supporting role. Occupy the conversational space. If Mr Monologue can’t handle the focus being off his gym routine or prize marries, at least you know early.

Show quote history

I have found that all attempts to inhabit my own conversational space are met with them staring at me until I've finished (sometimes almost glassy eyed as they are no doubt bored with someone else talking) and then leaping in to talk about themselves again. I have even seen their lips move as I'm talking, waiting to leap in and cut over me. It's really dire.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 13:47

labamba18 · 02/12/2025 10:29

My husband says this about men. They’re much more likely to interrupt and bore you with their long tales. They also don’t ask questions. He’s relatively successful in his field so they seem to want to impress him and doing so just talk about themselves. I think it’s a mix of insecurity and lack of awareness.

The insecurity makes sense, and we all get nervous on dates, but the lack of awareness is concerning: How do men get to be mid-fifties and still unaware that a reciprocal conversation includes curiosity and momentum to expand it and move it along? It also makes it so hard to have fun with these new people as story telling is a one-sided affair, and you can't vibe off each other and have a laugh if you're being lectured at!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 13:48

DancingLions · 02/12/2025 10:11

I used to have a rule in my head when OLD. If they hadn't asked me a question about myself in the first 24hrs, instant block. It's not going to get any better from there on in so no point in wasting time.

I think a lot of people in general have lost the art of a proper 2 way conversation. There's a few friendships I've let drift in recent years because they would just talk at me and had no interest in my life. I have no interest in being anyones audience, I have better things to do with my time.

Yes, it's like being in an audience, for a show I did not buy tickets for.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 02/12/2025 13:49

TaraC25 · 01/12/2025 15:09

Ha I was literally just debating starting my own thread because my boyfriend is like this and I am really struggling with feeling unheard. He talks over me, uses his phone lots when we're together (a choice, not a necessity) and he doesn't show interest in what I've done in life between our meet-ups.

A simmering resentment is bubbling away....

I don't think it's all men, no. There must be interesting/thoughtful ones out there..! X

Edited

Why is he your boyfriend?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 13:50

Lifelover16 · 02/12/2025 04:42

Oh yes! They ask you a question but it’s so that they can waffle on about themselves. Eg “ Him have you ever been backpacking ?” Me “no, I’ve never had the opportunity” Him “Oh but you should! We had a great time when I went to the Far East ….” and descriptions of his experience.

In my experience men who are skilled at conversation are few and far between but I am of an age when many are old chauvinists.

Edited for grammar

Edited

Yes, exactly this. I have noticed they will ask one or two questions on the date; generic work stuff or kids stuff, but they will answer with such a long story about themselves that half the time I can't remember what the original question was, or who asked it!

OP posts:
MaxTalk · 02/12/2025 13:51

Lack of conversational skills in the dating world is absolutely terrible - surely that's a basic skill?!

I need to do a lot of talking as part of my job so it's not a problem but I do wonder what people do to have such lack of social awareness?

Too many screens can't help I guess.