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Original poster

Men and conversation

109 replies

rubberduck68 · 01/12/2025 14:58

Had a date last night and once again, I was talked at. This is common for me. It goes like this: I talk about something, and instead of being curious and asking me a question, or responding to what I’ve said, they tell a long, boring story that vaguely (but hardly at all) has some connection. The stories are always long, and I feel that I could just get up and leave and someone else could sit in my seat and they wouldn’t even notice. I ask them a follow up question, and another long, unconnected story arrives... and so on. Is this why these men are single? Where are all the men who can chat in a reciprocal way? Is it just me?

OP posts:
Huckleberries · 02/12/2025 22:48

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 22:40

It was fun from a sociological point of view. I'm interested in patterns in human behaviour and had no idea men were such a homogenous group in this way. I found it as fascinating as I did frustrating and infuriating!

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If you've noticed a homogenous thing from all the time you spent, I feel like there must be something in that. I haven't been involved with many men. Suspect I never will again.

BeAppleNow · 02/12/2025 23:48

MarginWalker · 01/12/2025 15:10

Yes, that’s why these men are single. It’s so sad. So many great women out there, so many men who can’t be even remotely interesting. The pool is so uneven. I’ve given up. I’m not bothering with these awful boring dates.

There are plenty of boring women out there as well - I had one date with someone who spent almost an hour talking about how awful her exHusband was and another with someone who talked about how much they hated their job and how rubbish their colleagues were, I’m sure they were nice people- just crap dates

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 23:59

BeAppleNow · 02/12/2025 23:48

There are plenty of boring women out there as well - I had one date with someone who spent almost an hour talking about how awful her exHusband was and another with someone who talked about how much they hated their job and how rubbish their colleagues were, I’m sure they were nice people- just crap dates

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Yes, we know there are but the issue is that it's more or less all men but not more or less all women. It's something to do with socialisation. In my experience anyway, and in that of others on the thread.

Bungle2168 · 03/12/2025 00:10

So? Take control of the conversation and re-direct it in a direction you would prefer.

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 01:00

Bungle2168 · 03/12/2025 00:10

So? Take control of the conversation and re-direct it in a direction you would prefer.

It's not control that's wanted though - it's having the other person sustain an interest in you for the duration of the conversation. If they can't or won't do that, no amount of control over the direction of things is going to make it a satisfying experience that creates any sort of connection.

shuggles · 03/12/2025 01:18

@rubberduck68 Well, they might be getting a first date, but I’d be surprised if they get many second or third dates.

But they are getting dates. So they are getting further than most men, which would suggest they are doing something right.

ProfessorBinturong · 03/12/2025 01:57

rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 09:42

So my friend has a husband who does this, and every time he talks over her, she puts her hand up at him and says, "you are talking over me, please stop." He looks really shocked BUT THEN CARRIES ON. I don't know how she stays with him, it's so frustrating to watch.

Edited
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That 'but' suggests you're misinterpreting the shock. He's not shocked he's doing it; he's shocked she's objecting.

Lurkingandlearning · 03/12/2025 03:25

I don’t date so I’m just imagining what I might do in that situation. I’m enjoying imagining nodding, picking up my bag and walking away without saying a word, hopefully leaving them bewildered.

If I could be arsed to hang around I might let them drone on for quite some time and then interrupt to ask if they already know all they want to know about me. If they don’t get it and aren’t a little apologetic I would just say, “You don’t need me here for this.” And leave.

But @DancingLions might have a point about nervousness

Bringemout · 03/12/2025 04:09

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/12/2025 09:53

My ex was like this. He said I mustn't ever interrupt him and to simply wait till he had finished talking. I used to time him and over half an hour would go by, still no end in sight. He always had this way of making sure I was sat down and he would be standing over me the whole time. It was clearly a power move. Urgh what a horrible time and a horrible man.

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Thats fucking awful, it feels really abusive.

Bringemout · 03/12/2025 04:14

I think this is why women generally like DH (not in a romantic way necessarily) but they will spend ages talking to him because he really listens and can engage in a conversation and he won’t bring it back round to himself. He said though that he had to teach himself to actively listen to people (in general not just women). Maybe it’s a sex based trait.

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 04:41

ProfessorBinturong · 03/12/2025 01:57

That 'but' suggests you're misinterpreting the shock. He's not shocked he's doing it; he's shocked she's objecting.

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[Spoiler Alert]

It's like the older guy in MAFS this year. I've not watched it all yet but so far it's not going well and he "wife" has raised that he isn't asking her anything. He told her that he just expects her to volunteer the information. She was volunteering some of it but he wasn't taking it in at all. When they got back from the honeymoon he still didn't know the names of her children. They did an exercise where he had to ask her questions and it was things like - are you going to spend enough time and effort to actually get to know ME? She looked like she was losing the will to live. To be fair I don't think he's a bad person at all. Just totally clueless that relationships involve actively taking an interest in the other person. Maybe he will learn in future episodes. I'm not hopeful.

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 04:41

Sorry - didn't mean to quote you ProfessorBinturong there....

SomewhatAnnoyed · 03/12/2025 05:30

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 02/12/2025 10:22

My DH does this but I've told him off about it so he'll now catch himself and say "I'm doing that thing again, relating everything back to myself, sorry". I don't mind as in his case it's a clumsy attempt to show that he relates to whatever I'm saying by sharing his own story and he truly cares about everything that's going on with me, which he shows in a multitude of ways. Point is I think you're right OP that men are socialised to bang on about themselves and this probably applies to many good men as well as selfish arseholes. The only way to tell the difference is to be really honest and direct about it (in a nice way) and see how they take that feedback

I’m doing that thing again, relating everything back to myself

This is classic ADHD, as well as self absorption - it can be either

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 06:03

SomewhatAnnoyed · 03/12/2025 05:30

I’m doing that thing again, relating everything back to myself

This is classic ADHD, as well as self absorption - it can be either

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I don't think there'a anything wrong with relating things back to yourself, so long as you're able to then turn it back towards the other person again (and your own interjections don't last half an hour!). You can add your thoughts or share a similar experience but ideally you then go back and ask the other person more about their thoughts/experiences to get some back and forward going.

Justwrong68 · 03/12/2025 06:24

The phone is key here. They’re out of the habit of human interaction.

FigTreeInEurope · 03/12/2025 06:26

I'm a bloke, and this is my number one repellent for male friends. I find it aggressive and competitive. And on the contrary, the friends I have that never compete to have their voice heard, are the men I've learned the most from, and could sit in silence and listen to all day.

Justwrong68 · 03/12/2025 06:29

Lurkingandlearning · 03/12/2025 03:25

I don’t date so I’m just imagining what I might do in that situation. I’m enjoying imagining nodding, picking up my bag and walking away without saying a word, hopefully leaving them bewildered.

If I could be arsed to hang around I might let them drone on for quite some time and then interrupt to ask if they already know all they want to know about me. If they don’t get it and aren’t a little apologetic I would just say, “You don’t need me here for this.” And leave.

But @DancingLions might have a point about nervousness

I’d say: wow! and they’d think I was responding but then I’d say: have you ever fallen asleep with your eyes open?

WhatNoRaisins · 03/12/2025 06:30

I wonder if some people unconsciously treat OLD first dates a bit like job interviews and are trying to "sell themselves".

MrsPrendergast · 03/12/2025 06:33

Ime many men simply aren't interested in what other people have to say. These men often have the dreaded death grip too

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 06:33

WhatNoRaisins · 03/12/2025 06:30

I wonder if some people unconsciously treat OLD first dates a bit like job interviews and are trying to "sell themselves".

I think that's absolutely what's happening and while I would get very frustrated on dates, most of the men I met weren't bad people and were trying their best but just didn't really know how to connect.

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:56

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 23:59

Yes, we know there are but the issue is that it's more or less all men but not more or less all women. It's something to do with socialisation. In my experience anyway, and in that of others on the thread.

Show quote history

That's not really my experience.

I've encountered Men Who Talk At You of course but not for long as I didn't keep them in my social circle. Most of the men I am friends with (and who I've been in relationships with) are not like that, and there are enough of them that I don't really see it as a sex-based trait at all.

I am friends with a Woman Who Talks At Me, while she is objectively quite self-absorbed she's also very very funny - I'm always entertained when she talks about herself.

Dragonfly97 · 03/12/2025 10:29

My 93 year old dad is like this, totally self involved. He'll talk about himself til the cows come home, I might venture a comment about my life ( he never asks) and he just steamrollers over it. I think he's been spoilt all his life and has main character syndrome; everyone else has to revolve around him. I just tune out and minimise contact. I doubt he has any idea of my life, and my sister's.

Edited for grammar!

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 11:37

shuggles · 03/12/2025 01:18

@rubberduck68 Well, they might be getting a first date, but I’d be surprised if they get many second or third dates.

But they are getting dates. So they are getting further than most men, which would suggest they are doing something right.

We have no way of knowing how far they get. I don't go on a second date with them because of their lack of social skills, so I wonder if they get lucky with some who don't mind being talked at for ages!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 11:42

Bungle2168 · 03/12/2025 00:10

So? Take control of the conversation and re-direct it in a direction you would prefer.

I do try. It's like talking to a robot, and if I do manage to edge into a gap where they draw breath, and move the conversation along, they just hijack it again. It's like being talked at rather than to. I feel like I could just get up and place an object on my chair and walk away and they'd just keep going! It's like being an audience for a solo act.

OP posts:
shuggles · 03/12/2025 11:47

@rubberduck68 We have no way of knowing how far they get.

... But they still got a first date, meaning they get further than most men.