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Original poster

Men and conversation

109 replies

rubberduck68 · 01/12/2025 14:58

Had a date last night and once again, I was talked at. This is common for me. It goes like this: I talk about something, and instead of being curious and asking me a question, or responding to what I’ve said, they tell a long, boring story that vaguely (but hardly at all) has some connection. The stories are always long, and I feel that I could just get up and leave and someone else could sit in my seat and they wouldn’t even notice. I ask them a follow up question, and another long, unconnected story arrives... and so on. Is this why these men are single? Where are all the men who can chat in a reciprocal way? Is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 13:52

MaxTalk · 02/12/2025 13:51

Lack of conversational skills in the dating world is absolutely terrible - surely that's a basic skill?!

I need to do a lot of talking as part of my job so it's not a problem but I do wonder what people do to have such lack of social awareness?

Too many screens can't help I guess.

It is a basic skill. Not just about talking though, it's the listening bit they are struggling with!

OP posts:
MaxTalk · 02/12/2025 13:56

rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 13:52

It is a basic skill. Not just about talking though, it's the listening bit they are struggling with!

Show quote history

Astonishing isn't it? The very basics of life seems to be a struggle for some people?

After too many of those dates I would give up completely.

gannett · 02/12/2025 14:00

TaraC25 · 01/12/2025 15:09

Ha I was literally just debating starting my own thread because my boyfriend is like this and I am really struggling with feeling unheard. He talks over me, uses his phone lots when we're together (a choice, not a necessity) and he doesn't show interest in what I've done in life between our meet-ups.

A simmering resentment is bubbling away....

I don't think it's all men, no. There must be interesting/thoughtful ones out there..! X

Edited

Instead of having a simmering resentment bubbling away, you could simply not go out with a boring man you don't seem to like?

FracasFracas · 02/12/2025 14:31

gannett · 02/12/2025 14:00

Instead of having a simmering resentment bubbling away, you could simply not go out with a boring man you don't seem to like?

Show quote history

Well, yes, exactly. I mean, you don’t get Brownie points for effort with Mr ‘My Phone is More Interesting Than Your Conversation’ .

Your only ‘prize’ is the dubious one of even more of the company of someone who doesn’t have any interest in you.

Why not stop simmering, ditch him and find someone who is actuslly interested in you?

NowStartingOver · 02/12/2025 16:22

Well there is a bit of a quandary here. Male OLD profiles that are popular talk about themselves a lot, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that they're like that in real life whereas the male OLD profiles that don't talk about themselves much (and more likely to be better listeners) are left swiped.

Boomer55 · 02/12/2025 16:26

rubberduck68 · 01/12/2025 14:58

Had a date last night and once again, I was talked at. This is common for me. It goes like this: I talk about something, and instead of being curious and asking me a question, or responding to what I’ve said, they tell a long, boring story that vaguely (but hardly at all) has some connection. The stories are always long, and I feel that I could just get up and leave and someone else could sit in my seat and they wouldn’t even notice. I ask them a follow up question, and another long, unconnected story arrives... and so on. Is this why these men are single? Where are all the men who can chat in a reciprocal way? Is it just me?

Well, unless you’ve got anything interesting to say, they probably feel the same. Try telling your story.

MissingSummertime · 02/12/2025 16:51

I’m struggling so hard as the man in question isn’t a partner or date, but my dad.

The talking over and at me (and others) has become so awful I don’t know what to do anymore 😢. He loves our DC (his GC) but talks over them too, at every visit. He’s always been this way, convo with him is impossible. It’s like he’s pathologically unable to engage in a 2- way exchange

shuggles · 02/12/2025 16:53

@MarginWalker Yes, that’s why these men are single.

And yet, as is self-evident from OP's post, it is these men that are getting the dates.

The men who don't talk about themselves or tell long stories are the men who do not get dates.

It's a bit bizarre to complain about these men when it was OP who made the decision to approach them and ask for a date.

HappyTalkingAndLaughing · 02/12/2025 17:00

I was in a "situationship" for a while with a guy who I'd really enjoy exchanging messages when messaging on WhatsApp.... but in person l actually found him really boring and hard to talk with.

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 17:21

NowStartingOver · 02/12/2025 16:22

Well there is a bit of a quandary here. Male OLD profiles that are popular talk about themselves a lot, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that they're like that in real life whereas the male OLD profiles that don't talk about themselves much (and more likely to be better listeners) are left swiped.

But a profile is supposed to be where you talk about yourself lots and tell others about yourself. There is no second party to be considerate of as it's not an interaction. You can write a good profile with enough information to give someone a sense of who you are while also being a considerate conversationalist when you meet someone in person.

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 17:25

shuggles · 02/12/2025 16:53

@MarginWalker Yes, that’s why these men are single.

And yet, as is self-evident from OP's post, it is these men that are getting the dates.

The men who don't talk about themselves or tell long stories are the men who do not get dates.

It's a bit bizarre to complain about these men when it was OP who made the decision to approach them and ask for a date.

The tiny number of men I met with good one on one social skills tended to get a lot of dates. I don't think it's true that they are getting nowhere, there just aren't many of them.

Huckleberries · 02/12/2025 17:46

@GladImhereVladimir curious to know how you found him! I would love someone who does everything and I will happily sacrifice the conversation.

gannett · 02/12/2025 17:54

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 17:25

The tiny number of men I met with good one on one social skills tended to get a lot of dates. I don't think it's true that they are getting nowhere, there just aren't many of them.

Show quote history

I have a really good male friend going back nearly 20 years - absolutely platonic between us, I've never been attracted to him. But over the years he's done a lot better for himself relstionship-wise than one would think given that he has quite an unassuming, introverted personality and doesn't stand out looks-wise. Not only that but all of his girlfriends have been brilliant women (have thoroughly enjoyed making friends with them myself) AND they've all stayed friends with him after they split (there were five of his exes at his recent wedding!).

I once asked one of them what she saw in him romantically and she said, "gannett, he ASKS QUESTIONS. He's really interested in people." It was true. He did ask questions (and that was also why I liked him so much platonically).

TwistedWonder · 02/12/2025 18:30

It's a bit bizarre to complain about these men when it was OP who made the decision to approach them and ask for a date.

Have I missed something as I can’t see anywhere that the OP approached him and asked him
for a date?

And even if she did, how does that give him Carte Blanche to monologue about himself rather than have a two way conversation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/12/2025 18:38

Wrong thread

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 18:39

Huckleberries · 02/12/2025 17:46

@GladImhereVladimir curious to know how you found him! I would love someone who does everything and I will happily sacrifice the conversation.

It took about 400 dates with a at a guess 150 -200 men! I went on a lot of 2nd and 3rd dates just in case they were just not asking anything due to nerves but I found that it never got better if they couldn't do it on date 1. Partner is one in a million and actually had a surprisingly sparse profile. I went on looks alone which I wouldn't usually do but just got incredibly lucky!

myblueskirt · 02/12/2025 18:48

How disappointing, OP. Leaving the table mid-tirade would have been a great idea. Are you going to see him again?

Rosiecidar · 02/12/2025 21:15

When I have gone on a date which has gone well it’s a rambling conversation that just seems to move quite naturally between us. The dates where there’s no real chemistry are the ones where it’s more questions and answers. For a long while I found it really hard to get a second date and then I found that actually being warm rather than polite meant always a second date if that was what I wanted. I have met very few guys who just talk about themselves to be honest, but there are some..

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 22:20

shuggles · 02/12/2025 16:53

@MarginWalker Yes, that’s why these men are single.

And yet, as is self-evident from OP's post, it is these men that are getting the dates.

The men who don't talk about themselves or tell long stories are the men who do not get dates.

It's a bit bizarre to complain about these men when it was OP who made the decision to approach them and ask for a date.

Well, they might be getting a first date, but I’d be surprised if they get many second or third dates. I don’t think their dating profiles are particularly relevant, nothing in them signposts that they will just talk at you all night long that I’ve noticed. Would love to hear from anyone who has noticed a pattern in these men’s profiles, so I can avoid them in the future!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 02/12/2025 22:23

Boomer55 · 02/12/2025 16:26

Well, unless you’ve got anything interesting to say, they probably feel the same. Try telling your story.

Show quote history

They don’t draw breath long enough to hear anything I’ve got to say!

OP posts:
Huckleberries · 02/12/2025 22:23

@GladImhereVladimir I admire your fortitude
I could never do that. 150 dates sounds like a film!

TwistedWonder · 02/12/2025 22:27

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 18:39

It took about 400 dates with a at a guess 150 -200 men! I went on a lot of 2nd and 3rd dates just in case they were just not asking anything due to nerves but I found that it never got better if they couldn't do it on date 1. Partner is one in a million and actually had a surprisingly sparse profile. I went on looks alone which I wouldn't usually do but just got incredibly lucky!

Show quote history

200 men!!! I don’t think I even started conversations with more than about 30 men, went on dates with 10 (over a 2 year period) and that was enough for me to realise I couldn’t do it anymore!

Horrorscope · 02/12/2025 22:35

I’ve had this too, OP. Dipped my toe in the OLD pool recently and the four blokes I spoke to on the phone all talked at length about themselves. Yawn. (One of them was quite interesting - the others not.)

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 22:39

TwistedWonder · 02/12/2025 22:27

200 men!!! I don’t think I even started conversations with more than about 30 men, went on dates with 10 (over a 2 year period) and that was enough for me to realise I couldn’t do it anymore!

Show quote history

Ha ha, yeah, that was over more than 10 years though! I was persistent and always held out hope that the next one would be different! That did finally prove to be the case and I'm very grateful, but my god, I could probably have saved enough for a house deposit if I'd met him earlier on!

GladImhereVladimir · 02/12/2025 22:40

Huckleberries · 02/12/2025 22:23

@GladImhereVladimir I admire your fortitude
I could never do that. 150 dates sounds like a film!

It was fun from a sociological point of view. I'm interested in patterns in human behaviour and had no idea men were such a homogenous group in this way. I found it as fascinating as I did frustrating and infuriating!