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Original poster

Men and conversation

109 replies

rubberduck68 · 01/12/2025 14:58

Had a date last night and once again, I was talked at. This is common for me. It goes like this: I talk about something, and instead of being curious and asking me a question, or responding to what I’ve said, they tell a long, boring story that vaguely (but hardly at all) has some connection. The stories are always long, and I feel that I could just get up and leave and someone else could sit in my seat and they wouldn’t even notice. I ask them a follow up question, and another long, unconnected story arrives... and so on. Is this why these men are single? Where are all the men who can chat in a reciprocal way? Is it just me?

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 11:48

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 06:33

I think that's absolutely what's happening and while I would get very frustrated on dates, most of the men I met weren't bad people and were trying their best but just didn't really know how to connect.

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I don't think they are "bad people" either, some of them have been otherwise nice blokes, it's just off-putting nodding at a stranger all night who barely draws breath or asks anything back.

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 11:51

shuggles · 03/12/2025 11:47

@rubberduck68 We have no way of knowing how far they get.

... But they still got a first date, meaning they get further than most men.

Yes, but there dates are not aware of their social skills in person until they are on the date. There is nothing telling in their profiles. You could argue, they only get first dates

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 11:53

shuggles · 03/12/2025 11:47

@rubberduck68 We have no way of knowing how far they get.

... But they still got a first date, meaning they get further than most men.

They are not getting first dates because they have any special social skills. Some of the profiles have been quiet, quite empty, some busier there doesn't seem to be an indication pre-date, so I'm not sure this theory holds.

OP posts:
SomewhatAnnoyed · 03/12/2025 12:45

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 06:03

I don't think there'a anything wrong with relating things back to yourself, so long as you're able to then turn it back towards the other person again (and your own interjections don't last half an hour!). You can add your thoughts or share a similar experience but ideally you then go back and ask the other person more about their thoughts/experiences to get some back and forward going.

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I agree - as long as it’s reciprocal- all good

Gfdeh · 03/12/2025 12:54

OP, i have a few friends who would never agree to anything beyond a quick coffee as a first meet.
They simply weren't prepared to commit the time.
It saved them so much time and effort.

wobblers · 03/12/2025 12:56

I always try a chat on the phone first. Last one sounded great on paper. Chatgpt thought he was promising, intelligent an academic type. On the phone he immediately commandeered the conversation straight away as if I didn't know what I should be doing. A little way in I told him a very short story about my online dating experience. He shared one too, which was very long and a bit perverse, kept swearing, then launched into another. I asked if it was going to be a long story as I had to be somewhere, and thankfully he shut up. He had shown virtually no interest so I ended it there and he slunk of seemingly quite grumpily.

I sometimes think I should be more honest so at least they know but maybe the ego wouldn't cope well and is it really my job to do that? I've enjoyed reading a few tips on here though. Listen carefully on a date and then ask 'Have you ever fallen asleep with your eyes open' is possibly the favourite 🤣. Reminds me of a video call where one guy talked for the whole thing. At then end I said 'would you like to ask me any questions' which threw him completely and he said he couldn't think of anything! It just puzzles me no end why they don't try to do something about it. None of them seem to want to be on dating apps.

ProfessorBinturong · 03/12/2025 13:27

Chatgpt thought he was promising

ChatGPT doesn't think. Why on earth would you ask it for an 'opinion' on a potential date?

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 13:50

ProfessorBinturong · 03/12/2025 13:27

Chatgpt thought he was promising

ChatGPT doesn't think. Why on earth would you ask it for an 'opinion' on a potential date?

A lot of men are using it to have online conversations on dating apps, it's called being "chat-fished", when you turn up the bloke is a dullard who bears no resemblance to his intelligent, articulate AI messages!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 13:55

Gfdeh · 03/12/2025 12:54

OP, i have a few friends who would never agree to anything beyond a quick coffee as a first meet.
They simply weren't prepared to commit the time.
It saved them so much time and effort.

I think I am realising this, although it has happened on coffee (day) dates too. It's amazing how long half an hour can feel when you're being talked at!

OP posts:
FracasFracas · 03/12/2025 13:56

rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 13:50

A lot of men are using it to have online conversations on dating apps, it's called being "chat-fished", when you turn up the bloke is a dullard who bears no resemblance to his intelligent, articulate AI messages!!

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And are you labouring under the delusion that a form of generative AI is going to magically detect generative AI usage in text messages?? Also, if you’re using AI to have an online conversation, you’re definitely an authentic dullard.

DropHopStop · 03/12/2025 15:00

Rosiecidar · 02/12/2025 21:15

When I have gone on a date which has gone well it’s a rambling conversation that just seems to move quite naturally between us. The dates where there’s no real chemistry are the ones where it’s more questions and answers. For a long while I found it really hard to get a second date and then I found that actually being warm rather than polite meant always a second date if that was what I wanted. I have met very few guys who just talk about themselves to be honest, but there are some..

Yes this. I'm a woman, and I struggle with conversations and tend to ramble. With friends, work people etc. I don't have the skill (I am working on it). But I find i get on best with people I can talk naturally with - they say things, I say things. We laugh, bounce off each other. Genuinely relate. When I have to think hard about questions it feels like a lot of effort. Like a strange interview.

I wonder whether part of it is lack of chemistry and lack of interest in you/your conversation (from the man), rather than lack of questions in and of itself? Similarly, it sounds like you're trying hard to show signals of interest in them (by asking questions) but aren't really interested in what they have to say. Instead, you're waiting (politely) to have an opportunity to talk at them.

This isn't a criticism, but maybe it's just part of finding someone you fit with- then it (the conversation) will feel natural and not forced.

Rosiecidar · 03/12/2025 15:14

DropHopStop · 03/12/2025 15:00

Yes this. I'm a woman, and I struggle with conversations and tend to ramble. With friends, work people etc. I don't have the skill (I am working on it). But I find i get on best with people I can talk naturally with - they say things, I say things. We laugh, bounce off each other. Genuinely relate. When I have to think hard about questions it feels like a lot of effort. Like a strange interview.

I wonder whether part of it is lack of chemistry and lack of interest in you/your conversation (from the man), rather than lack of questions in and of itself? Similarly, it sounds like you're trying hard to show signals of interest in them (by asking questions) but aren't really interested in what they have to say. Instead, you're waiting (politely) to have an opportunity to talk at them.

This isn't a criticism, but maybe it's just part of finding someone you fit with- then it (the conversation) will feel natural and not forced.

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Hi @DropHopStop , I think I may have been unclear. I would say it’s rare that I don’t get asked out for a second date. I think it’s because now I keep the conversation light but personal and happy. Then it’s up to me if I would to go on the second date. Previously it was quite polite.

DropHopStop · 03/12/2025 15:20

Rosiecidar · 03/12/2025 15:14

Hi @DropHopStop , I think I may have been unclear. I would say it’s rare that I don’t get asked out for a second date. I think it’s because now I keep the conversation light but personal and happy. Then it’s up to me if I would to go on the second date. Previously it was quite polite.

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Ah sorry! When I said "you" I actually meant the OP 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Like I said, I'm a bad communicator 🤣

I at mentioned you @rosiecidar because I was agreeing with you. Sorry. I know my post was confusing, reading it back now.

GladImhereVladimir · 03/12/2025 16:16

gannett · 03/12/2025 07:56

That's not really my experience.

I've encountered Men Who Talk At You of course but not for long as I didn't keep them in my social circle. Most of the men I am friends with (and who I've been in relationships with) are not like that, and there are enough of them that I don't really see it as a sex-based trait at all.

I am friends with a Woman Who Talks At Me, while she is objectively quite self-absorbed she's also very very funny - I'm always entertained when she talks about herself.

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To be honest, I think there are men that talk at you and don't ask much and then several other categories of men who don't monologue/mansplain but still ask very little (it's the asking very little that I've found is almost universal rather than the monologuing which is common but by no means universal). Some of the men in the latter categories are great in groups and quite possibly great one on one if you don't mind a low question conversational style more generally, which many people don't - especially if they have a sense of humour and are interesting people. For various reasons, I really do mind though (in relationships but not so much groups) and do find the high curiosity thing almost completely absent in most men whereas I find it regularly in women.

LiveToTell · 03/12/2025 17:04

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2025 15:05

I ask them a follow up question

Why? Tell your own story, see how they react.

You can’t though, because as soon as you pause just to breathe, they interrupt with something of their own. My FIL is like this. I spent an hour on Saturday being talked at. Not to. AT. Every time I said something he spun into something of his own. Really pissed me off.

I wouldn’t have another date with someone like that OP, I’d find them mind numbing.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 03/12/2025 21:45

FracasFracas · 03/12/2025 13:56

And are you labouring under the delusion that a form of generative AI is going to magically detect generative AI usage in text messages?? Also, if you’re using AI to have an online conversation, you’re definitely an authentic dullard.

Show quote history

I’m not labouring under any illusion. I’m not the one using AI?

OP posts:
MidnightColours · 04/12/2025 13:51

Coffee dates so that you can leave after an hour or so if there is no compatibility?

lemonraspberry · 04/12/2025 14:12

Most men are like this. I work in an all male team. I have this in meetings- they talk incessantly and then moaned I was very quiet & was I hiding all the answers. Indeed I had a lot of the answers but they just don’t seem to understand that for me to speak they need to stop. And when I do start to speak they jump in, interrupt & talk over the top.

for dating I just opt for quick 30-40 mins ones over coffee etc until I am sure they can manage a 2-way conversation. I am not an ear hole service for their ego.

Original poster
rubberduck68 · 04/12/2025 17:10

Thank you all. I do think I’m going to arrange much shorter first dates, one coffee max, and then I’m out!

OP posts:
MissingSummertime · 04/12/2025 21:18

That sounds like a really good solution OP, then you can get a good feel for how it is with someone before embarking on a longer date! Would save your ears getting bashed and wasting time.

I don’t suppose you have any advice for me and my dad? You or any of the other posters on here? I love him so much but it is breaking my heart, the talking AT is becoming more forceful over time. It is distressing. He used to ask questions about me or the kids but never does anymore, it is getting worse with age. He has I believe is undiagnosed Bi-polar disorder as has full blown manic episodes (which can be disturbing) followed by periods of very low mood. I’m struggling to cope and haven’t even messaged him since his last (very, very difficult visit) as I have no idea what to say.

Shall I post on the mental health board for advice do you think? Or ask my own GP?

Gfdeh · 04/12/2025 21:34

Good plan OP.
Also my friends said that one hint of them looking for any emotional support or confiding in them any sort of issue, or problem, they were gone.
Make a list in your head of strict no no's and be ruthless.
Too many men are emotionally needy from the first meeting.
You are not a free therapist for the price of a coffee!

somethingnewandexciting · 04/12/2025 21:41

I actually think a lot of single men don't talk to anyone other than lads at work, so forget how to communicate in full sentences and feign interest. Women are far better at socialising than men which is becoming even starker now so many seem to game at home alone rather than ever go out.

For me I've really noticed most men wanting to state their conservative values very early into any chat, presumably to head women off at the pass as they want me to know they'd not put up with any potential liberal agendas. Doesn't seem to be going well for them.

Shortbread36 · 04/12/2025 22:09

Thank you for this thread. I have spent hundreds of hours being talked “at” by neighbours, colleagues and older relatives (who wonder why they’re lonely). There is no social code for “please stop my ears are bleeding” and many of them would be devastated to know how boring they are. We’ve joked about positive reinforcement: a line of trophies in our kitchen. When visitors ask what they’re for, we can say “anyone who manages to ask a question, listen to the response and ask a follow-up question in a 20-min convo”. That way we’re not pointing the finger . Thoughts?

GladImhereVladimir · 04/12/2025 22:26

Shortbread36 · 04/12/2025 22:09

Thank you for this thread. I have spent hundreds of hours being talked “at” by neighbours, colleagues and older relatives (who wonder why they’re lonely). There is no social code for “please stop my ears are bleeding” and many of them would be devastated to know how boring they are. We’ve joked about positive reinforcement: a line of trophies in our kitchen. When visitors ask what they’re for, we can say “anyone who manages to ask a question, listen to the response and ask a follow-up question in a 20-min convo”. That way we’re not pointing the finger . Thoughts?

Edited

That is one hell of a low bar!

DancingLions · 05/12/2025 08:44

Most men are like this. I work in an all male team

God yes, you've reminded me of a guy in our team. We're a small team (8 people) and all remote so we have teams meetings. It's got to the point that I just don't say anything any more as he just drones on and on and when someone else tries to speak he literally talks over them. I was getting so annoyed by it that I had to withdraw before I lost my temper and told him to STFU! He thinks he's the expert on everything (he's not!). I know he's married, I just feel sorry for his wife!