Would you expect your spouse to accompany you for a operation with a general anaesthetic?

[LucyLoo1972]

Had my gallbladder out and my husband just went to work as normal. Should I have expected him to come with me for the operation, I was quite anxious as I ahev a lot fonhealth anxiety and don’t like hospitals. I’d never had an operation before. Would you expect them to be with you?

Yeah. That is tough. Really tough. I didn’t have delusions so I was classed as having hypomania rather than mania but I thought I was dying and every thought in my head came out. I was very vulnerable and just wanted to rest my head on someone’s shoulder to feel safe.

You do need additional emotional support with that. For sure. Some people aren’t great at giving it. My sibling shouted at me when I called them during the hypomania. I can’t remember much but I remember that. I totally understood they couldn’t cope but they could have stopped picking up the phone! That still hurts but I’ve been doing some work with a fabulous therapist about my core wound that sits beneath my feelings about how they behaved. For me, it’s about whether I matter. I did have lovely DH and friends who were there for me but my parents and siblings weren’t able to me. That hurt but it was also validating, as I was right to feel that growing up they couldn’t put me first even in a genuine crisis when I NEEDED to come first! It was therapist that talked through drama triangle. I’m practicing staying in adult mode. I still have good relationship with them.

I’d prefer him to have the time off work after the op rather than before.

No. What's the point?

Iwould expect him to take me, drop me off and then collect me. I wouldn't expect him to stay unless of course it was an emergency and a life saving op

Having had the same operation, I know it’s meant to be quite a quick operation (approx 1 hour), my husband stayed. Like you I had complications, quite serious ones which involved a hospital transfer, a further procedure, and in total a week and half stay in hospital and there was at one point a high probability of liver surgery. I was pleased my husband was there (I’d been in surgery a very long time due to the complications). However in fairness I recall my husband having day surgery some years back and I dropped him off and collected him, but didn’t wait the duration. I did tell my husband to go off and do some work etc but he chose not to.

When I had surgery patients were not allowed to have someone with them whilst waiting for the operation. Admitted on the morning of the operation so dh just dropped me off & then picked me up the next day.

dh has just had cardiac surgery but I took him the day before as instructed and did not visit at all on the day as very long surgery. To be fair he was still pretty much out of it when I visited the next day so there would have been no point me visiting on the actual day of the operation.

Yes I think maybe you are right. I had a huge catastrophic breakdown some time after the op from anxiety which wiped my whole life away. In treatment they identified some areas where my husband made life very difficult and stressful. I lmost died in the breakdown and lost everything. I thought we did discuss things well but we also never had any real disagreements and certainly no rows before my breakdown but professionals saw this as more of a red flag than s Green one. I’m very confused and blame myself for evrything that had happened to destroy my lovely life.

Sorry for your experience op, hope you’re mental health has picked up again 💐

Dh would have probably wanted to wait in the hospital all day but that would stress me out so I think I’d have requested a lift and a pick up. Actually this has reminded me that about 15 years ago I had a minor op and this is what happened! I’m due to go again for minor surgery (who knows when?!) and I’ll be asking him to drop and leave me and collect again afterwards but I’m not nervous about it (I’ll be asleep and none the wiser!) and I’m really a person who doesn’t appreciate being fussed over. Neither type of person is wrong or right, just different preferences.

I had major surgery. My DH dropped me off. There were complications so I didn't get discharged and he stayed at home. Unfortunately I had hallucinations once they woke me up and apparently phoned him talking nonsense. I wish he'd been there, but didn't foresee that it would take five hours for me to wake up after the surgery was over. Normally just dropping off and picking up is fine, but I think the partner should be called if there are complications.

I've never had a general anaesthetic or an operation so I'd be really nervous if I had to have one! I know my DH would book time off to come with me, as I would for him. I think you do what your spouse needs to support them. Did you ask him to accompany you and say that you were anxious and would like him to be with you? Or just assume that he would know?

No. I've had a few ops under GA and never felt the need for DH to be there or drop off. It's not something I get anxious about and I've never had medical issues with GA. I did have some complications with one op which meant I ended up in ITU, and the hospital called him when that happened and he travelled there. But I didn't see the need for him to have been waiting there before that, on the off chance that it might have happened.

You have no blame or shame to carry, although I know it can be hard to accept that. Your brain is an organ just like any other in the body. It can get ill, it can be overworked, an individual can carry more risk that average of having a problem develop, family patterns can lead to have maladaptive copy strategies that are great in a crisis but fry you body and mind long term.

It’s the strong people who end up where you’ve been. They get into an untenable situation and find a way to keep going anyway until they just can't.

If this happened a while ago and you’ve written about a single particular moment in time initially, do you think you ruminate (I do). It’s common for people who’ve struggled with their mental health.

how is your relationship with your DH now? You talk about destroying your lovely life. Is that a rea thoughtl? I totally thought I’d done that when I was well enough to realise what was going on after admission but for me my life went back to being 99% the same as it had been before. Took a couple of years to feel that way.

My husband has always dropped me off and then come to pick me up. I wouldn't expect him to sit at the hospital all day. At my hospital day surgery patients all wait together which is nice as you can chat to other people. They don't let anyone else on the ward as there is more risk of infection.

No. Mine dropped me off and collected me. Why would he hang around all day?

Too bloody right I'd expect it. And I know she would.

I've never stayed with DH... First one was Covid restrictions so not allowed. Second one i had to look after DDs. I drop him off at A&E as well when he injures himself.

But the difference is you needed him.

I wouldn’t want them too what’s the point of them hanging around

I went by taxi because I had to be there for 7am and he doesn't drive. He came to pick me up afterwards though, and we went home in a cab together. They wouldn't have let me go home alone anyway, not after surgery and a GA.

Accompany? What, to the door of the theatre?

No. Absolutely nothing he can do apart from worrying. I rather have him do something to occupy him, i.e. work.

I've only stayed with my children for their surgeries, but planned, fairly routine ops for an adult is usually drop off, IME.

I was dropped off major abdominal surgery. I didn't see my husband again until discharge a few days later. These days we all have phones with us so aren't relying on visiting hours to be in touch.

I was in a hospital quite far away from our home, so I was happy he was working as much as possible while holding down the fort with the children. He had to help me so much afterwards too, so that was where his care and presence was needed and provided in abundance.

Absolutely. But, everyone's circumstances are different.

I would expect to be dropped off if he could get the time off work otherwise I would take a taxi.

Hospitals aren't for fit and healthy people to be hanging around in though so no, I wouldn't expect DH to wait while I was in surgery.

I’ve had one operation under GA. Husband dropped me off waited with me until I was being wheeled in, went to work and came to see me after work. He then went home after visiting hrs were over and returned the next day after work to drive me back home. I wouldn’t have expected him to stay for the whole
procedure. The hospital had his details should anything have gone wrong and in fairness he can leave work any time he needs to.

Yes...well I'd expect him to come with me to check in.
And if allowed he would stay until I was taken down .
I'd then assume he'd be there as soon as allowed afterwards.