Would you expect your spouse to accompany you for a operation with a general anaesthetic?

[LucyLoo1972]

Had my gallbladder out and my husband just went to work as normal. Should I have expected him to come with me for the operation, I was quite anxious as I ahev a lot fonhealth anxiety and don’t like hospitals. I’d never had an operation before. Would you expect them to be with you?

DP and I both had planned surgeries. I dropped him off for the op and picked him up after. I had family drop me off for mine as DP can’t drive 🙄 so he didn’t even come to the hospital. It never occurred to either of us to stay at the hospital.

If it’s just routine, then for me, there is no need. However for things like diagnoses, tests where you are unsure what’s going on, having somene there for emotional support is ideal.

I’d expect them to pick me up afterwards, drop-off depends on logistics on that day (but if you’re anxious it would be nice).

I had a gastroscope under GA…I was so nervous. My dp took the day off. Brought me in, waited in the room while I went in, stayed with me until I came round and was discharged and he then drove me home. I was in at 8 and out at 11. We sat on the couch for the rest of the day and he made me tea etc.

did I expect it in a demanding way as such…no, but that’s the way we are with each other. He expects it of himself. And I would do the same for him.

Drop off and collect for sure but our son still needs care/to get to school etc so he couldn't just wait around for me.

No but I'm a frequent flyer for admissions. I wouldn't expect him to come to A and E or wait for a endoscopy/colonoscopy etc. did you ask him to come with?

@PrincessFairyWren you said you were very hurt by that but then still took the day off for him? Utter madness. No way would I have done that if my husband had behaved that way.

In answer to your question OP, I would have expected to be collected but happy to make my own way there. If I had to be admitted, I would expect him to visit with magazines, clothes, toothbrush etc. We are all different aren’t we? Did you tell him what you wanted or quietly feel let down?

When DP had his done I dropped off and picked up but I wasn’t allowed to wait at the hospital for him. I walked up the the day surgery ward with him more so I knew where I was going for collecting him. The receptionist was pretty rude asking why I was there and that only people with additional needs or a disability were allowed one person to stay them.

I had to stay in for four days and he came every day to see me. I had very minimal pain really. He didn’t do much really when I got home but I did everything really as I am the kind of person to push through things.

Drop off and pick up yes, stay all day, no

My DH went to work as usual for my op. A friend kindly dropped me off and would have happily picked me up too. He did pick me up as he happened to be on a rota half day but after sorting the kids out so I was the last one leaving the day ward. I took an overnight bag in case I needed to stay in and the plan was he’d visit in the evening if I stayed in.

I have severe mental health issues, which I’ve been hospitalised with before, so I do sympathise with the anxiety. I found it really anxiety inducing too but, unless I felt I needed a carer, he wouldn’t have been allowed in the ward anyway. Days off work are precious and no point him sitting in a cafe for the day.

I also make an effort to be emotional independent. Since my hospitalisation he prioritising my calls during the day (which is a hassle with his job) as he knows how a 5 min call will give so much help. It was frequent when I first came out after illness diagnosed and still is when I feel my mood elevating towards hypomania but he’s my DH not my carer (despite CMHT calling him my carer) and so I keep it to the minimum and push to do things solo as much as possible, as I had started to shrink my world when I was ill but didn’t know it. I’m also better at letting the staff know that I need a lot of reassurance (if I say I’m worried they say not to worry which makes me feel worse but if I say I need lots of reassurance they always say they can do that and do).

Yay to your operation being over. Sorry it has complications that meant you needed to stay in overnight. I hope you’re doing well now.

I would have acted just like PrincessFairyWren and I do a lot of things for my heiabnd that he wouldn’t think to do for me. I wouldn’t be the kind to think well he didn’t do it for me.

I just kept quiet about it but when it went a bit wrong I was sad he wasn’t there

When you say 'accompany' what do you mean exactly? Are you thinking that he's should go to the ward/day surgery unit to drop you off, stay on the ward and wait whilst you have surgery, or actually go to the anesthetic room with you?

I think either dropping you off outside or walking to the ward with you would be usual, but not staying any longer. I'd expect DH to visit post-op too.

Of course he should have taken you!
I recently travelled to another country to support a relative having this exact operation. We took him to the hospital, sat with him until he was wheeled off for surgery, and then made sure we were there to collect him. It’s what you do if you love someone and want to support them.

Thank you. The oP was a while ago and everything was fine and recovery was straightforward. I did develop very horrific mental health issues subsequent to that. Basically my anxiety got so catastrophic regarding wirk that I developed delusions.

It’s very individual isn’t it?

For a routine elective op with low expectations for complications then I don’t think I’d expect/want/need my husband to stay. For a complex procedure with concerns around complications etc or an expectation of an ITU stay post-op then he would absolutely be there all day.

Did you ask him to wait at the hospital? What did he say? How quickly could he get to you once you were out of recovery? By that I mean if he’s working from home and/or could get to you within half an hour or so if needed then that’s probably fine. Doesn’t matter where he is while you’re under anaesthetic. But if he’s working an hour away and in meetings and can’t leave easily that’d be different and I probably wouldn’t like the thought of that.

Hope you’re recovering well.

I had my gallbladder out last year , husband dropped me off and went to work, then picked me I up the next day (I was kept in overnight).

Also have a look at the “drama triangle” and the “games people play”. If you’re anything like me, you’ll fine the definition of a rescuer resonates. Rescuers/people pleasers often feel they’re the nice one (doing so much for others that’s never appreciated or respected or reciprocated) but they’re just as much playing their part in the drama.

If you didn’t feel confident about the op, then yes he should have come. I had an op last year and was happy to drive myself and go in alone. I just didn’t care. DH however seemed to be panicking a bit and wanted to come.

No, a lift in the morning and collection in the evening if day surgery, if staying overnight I’d expect a visit early evening unless it was a day he’s busy.

I’ve not had surgery but dh had multiple and never was I allowed to stay in the hospital anyway (Covid regs). He even took himself on the bus the some times though I picked him up. For cataracts I did stay but it’s under an hour start to finish, not the same and an independent place.

Drop off and pick up only.

I wouknt expect him to he on the ward or in the room with me and he wouldn’t be allowed I don’t think. I think I got a taxi there in the morning. I think I may have liked for him to be with me while they were getting me ready for surgery until they took me down. IIRC aA lot of people had someone with them at that stage. I’m not sure but I think I would have felt less anxious if he had waited at the hospitls whike I was under.

It really depends. We’d certainly try to be there for each other but I had minor surgery at a day’s notice and it would have caused huge problems for his work if he’d come with me so I was happy to go alone- he’s had a couple of surgeries away from home and i’ve got an airbnb and stayed as fully as i could.

The important thing is that we talked each one through together, made a joint decision and we both know the other person has our back and that they are the most important person in the world to us.

Something in your post makes me think you don’t necessarily feel like that though. How are things generally?

Thanks this is interesting to me. I have had to do a lot of thinking about my self and my roel in a severe mentls helsth decline which has taken my whole life away! And yes I’m a people pleaser

Dp dropped me off for surgery a couple of years ago. I made myself known to the ward and was told to take a seat. Then another hospital called asking where I was (I have a latex allergy so was first on the list). The booking department had text me the wrong hospital details! The hospital called me a taxi and paid for it, as dp was already on his way to work. He picked me up after, took me to his home where I stayed until I recovered.

I wouldn’t expect mine to - and he doesn’t. If he’s available, he’d drop me off but probably not get out of the car. He works, we’ve got children with various collection times and clubs and a dog so it would be completely impractical. I’ve had some minor surgeries recently and didn’t see many people there who weren’t the patient. If it was a very simple and quick overall thing, he’d probably stay - though not if he had to take one of the children somewhere at the same time. If it was anything really serious and big, that would be different but my threshold for that is pretty high.