(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

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Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

So he is actually raping you during the night. I don’t believe his excuse. If he is committing doing such a vile act while he is claiming to be unconscious then what else is he capable of? For your own safety and the baby’s you need to get away from him until he seeks help.

You're dodging the question. If someone else did stay in the bed, he might rape them, but you wouldn't consider it rape because he doesn't remember. Besides, who's to say that his sexsomnia won't some day be joined by sleepwalking? He could end up sleepwalking into another room and having an attack of sexsomnia.

But just to focus on what you said about sexsomnia in general...are you seriously trying to say that a man holding someone down and repeatedly putting his penis in her vagina against her will isn't rape because he's asleep at the time?

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1 Read section 1 and then tell me where the mens rea condition is. Hint: there isn't one. He's put his dick in her, without her consent, and he knows that she doesn't consent because she's told him so. It passes all three conditions to be criminally rape.

Your partner is raping you and lying to make excuses. He’s a vile disgusting sexual abuser

Apparently 75% of cases of sexsomnia involve men. And its presentation varies between men and women too - men will be aggressive in their attempts to grope and penetrate their bedmate, while women are far more likely to masturbate.

Is anyone surprised? Not me. And I wouldn't be surprised if half those male cases of sexsomnia were actually just men who were good at playacting.

This is rape. I would sleep with a tampon in or wear a wetsuit. I don’t believe this is a thing at all.

It is rare but it is a condition.

You need to have a Frank conversation with him. Him avoiding or dismissing it isnt going to make it go away.

There are strategies that can be put in place.

A tampon, or even a mooncup, doesn't prevent penetration because the vagina stretches. All such a suggestion achieves is to increase OP's risk of TSS and internal injury.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You sound like you have been sensible and given him boundaries whilst still working on your relationship. However if you are asleep when he has sex with you this is rape. Sleep raping is common and the police will take a statement. Also a statement from anyone the person that you first told about it. It may be worth your showing him this in the law or having the police talk to him. I really dont think the person being asleep doing the abusing is a thing unless he has taken certain medications that cause cause sleep actions. If you dont want to go down the CJS route which I understand I would have him sleep on the sofa and put a lock on your door? I hope this doesn't upset you. You're being very brave sharing but you're feeling violated because you are. There are support agencies that will help you with this.

Mine does too but I’ve never felt violated. There was one night early in the relationship where the actual deed took place, he woke me making a move but it was early enough in the relationship that it didn’t seem abnormal and from my perspective we just had sex. It was quite memorable actually and there was a very odd conversation the next morning when I realised he had no memory of it at all.

Since then, especially when we’ve not had sex for a while, sometimes he puts the moves on in his sleep but I just tell him to piss off and move him away (quite firmly) and he just grunts “erurgh ok” or “sorry” - all sleeping - and goes back to normal sleep. He’s never overpowered me and while I can deal with the occasional grope in my sleep, anything more I would find very hard to live with

Exactly that. Sorry hadn't read all posts before posting. Glad someone else has said that.

Dh has had bouts of sleepwalking, he did when he was a child as well. I imagine he could have sex while sleepwalking (although never has). He mostly wonders around doing strange things and then gets back into bed and continues to sleep normally.

I would be very concerned that he does this when you are not having a lot of sex and are unhappy with your relationship. Do you say stop when you wake up? Does he 'wake up confused' every time he finishes? Never continues to sleep? Never does anything else odd in the night, only sex? Like some PPs, I suspect he knows exactly what he is doing and you are being raped.

He is pestering you for sex and then conveniently being asleep whilst having sec with you. I don’t buy it. But if you do believe him then at least go on the pill so you don’t end up pregnant again.

I’m sorry this is happening to you at a time when you’re obviously feeling vulnerable
and hormonal, as well as being just downright exhausted from the demands of a baby. I think if your DP is serious about feeling mortified about this happening and it being a genuine mistake then he should be taking measures to stop this eg sleeping on the sofa away from you so it doesn’t happen. Otherwise, I’m sorry but I would see it as excuse making or some convenient lie to conceal the fact that he is taking advantage of and violating you. A partner who pesters you for sex when you’re obviously not ready for it is not a supportive partner at all. And a partner who is consciously doing this to you when you are not awake to consent is committing a crime I’m sorry to say.

Well it’s been “medically recognised” by men because men say it’s a thing. The question is whether that is actually going on here.

It’s a bit of a coincidence that’s he’s also handsy when he’s awake.

Rather convenient for him that Op sleeps through it when other women would be fighting them off.

As a sceptical person it sounds to me that in the past he laid the groundwork for it being a future excuse.

This time it was after a period of being told no & being handsy.

Hmm.

You are completely right to feel however you feel.

You haven't consented to the sex. That is horrific no matter what the circumstances.

Your DH should be abjectly apologetic and doing all he can to stop this from happening. Wanking off before bed every night, or sleeping on the sofa, or even wearing some sort of chastity device (cock cage I think they're called) to bed.

Anything and everything should be on the table except you having to endure it. You deserve to be able to sleep safely in your own bed.

Getting handsy is not rape. I'm guessing he didn't penetrate you?

I can believe acting out certain hand gestures in sleep, but full penetrative sex without waking, not at all.

You think that she should quadruple her risk of stroke so that he can carry on raping her?

Nope. He can lock it up or leave.

Sit him down and tell him the next time this happens you’ll develop “PunchBollocksItis” and will be going to the police to report him for rape.

He’ll be magically cured.

Interesting how he 'has sex with' (read: rapes) you in his sleep but doesn't do anything else unconsciously. Doesn't get up and wash the dishes, prepare bottles for the baby, do anything that would help you. But he manages to force his dick in you, only during times when you've told him not to... In his sleep.

I feel terrible being blunt like this because you're a victim of rape under really appalling circumstances but you seriously need to give your head a wobble about how you're handling this.

I’ll say it again. The OP is not coming back. Somebody’s had a bit to drink at 1:30 in the morning lit the match and sat back and was watching you lot falling over yourselves.
None of you are wrong btw

Op I realise you don't have a spare bedroom so I would tell him he can sleep on the sofa and will sleep with the door locked. Although I guess you might want to keep any children, guests and pets in the locked bedroom with you too

I’m sorry OP but your partner is raping you. 💐

My first husband allegedly had this issue.
It mysteriously evolved into a nocturnal habit of doing whatever I didn’t enjoy sexually, until I woke up.
I fucking believed that he had no control over it for a very long time.

He eventually sexually assaulted one of my friends.
We divorced.

I still have to coparent with this man.
Our children are older now, and he has remarried to a fabulous woman.

Im worried that I will be having this conversation with her, at some point.