(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Exactly that. What if it was a child next to him? He needs to take responsibility for what he's doing. Unless he's diagnosed, he's raping you.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch

Cannot believe you actually believe this.

This ^
He’s not showing any side that he is mortified by this. He knows and doesn’t care. As pp have said, if he genuinely thought he had this, he would do everything to get it looked into, and would remove himself from the bedroom and go to the doctors to protect you, the person he apparently loves. It does seem concerning that it’s only when you are going through a dry spell. Also, he is minimising it all, after it happens he should be profusely apologetic to you for having sex with you without your consent/raping you, not feeling sorry for himself. If he argues that you didn't stop him therefore its consent, remember you were incapacitated with exhaustion, it doesn’t make it not rape. He should be going to the doctors, removing himself from the bedroom. Men are perfectly capable of going without sex. Does he talk at you till you believe him/gaslight you in other things? If you tell him to go to the doctors, would he go? If he refuses, ask him if it’s a condition then he could end up raping the children, so why won’t he get treated? If he answers saying he would never do that, ask how he knows he wouldn’t if he can’t control it! How well did you know him before you got married? Have you checked if he has used this excuse before and gotten away with it? If he does agree to go to drs, go with him, you need to put your side forward, and you want to know that he is in the appointment for this condition and what the outcome is to protect you. Going to the doctors and you being in the appointment is none negotiable at this point!

Sexomnia is a real thing, and properly recognised, but it is very rare too. Stress, anxiety, and fatigue can trigger it.

My OH had it for a spell, so I called him out and threatened to sleep in the spare room , he stopped and OK after that

This really is serious, think youre in a bit of denial as to how bad this is. Im also pp and BF baby and am never fully in a deep sleep but continuously exhausted but sorry not matter how tired I was id have flown out of bed going berserk the first time this ever happened. Its creepy weird and not normal and he should be mortified, the face hes not is not normal. Also I just pray the baby isn't in the same room with you both (in own cot in separate room?) as thats just all kinds of wrong if so and for that reason if not anything else you should be sorting this out ASAP tbh.

I’m sorry but I call bullshit. Unless he’s been to an actual sleep lab and had this diagnosed with a sleep study? No? Funny that innit?

get rid of him. he’s rapping you while you sleep during “dry spells”. He’s making sure he’s getting exactly what he wants while he doesn’t care about what you need. If this man was any sort of a man (and this was genuine) he would be sleeping in the couch permanent while waiting for a sleep referral after going to hoss gp and being for help from the sleep lab.

he knows exactly what he’s doing. and what’s stopping his doing this to your kids?

To people saying it’s rape, it’s not! They genuinely do not know they are doing this and can’t control this, they have no recollection of this in the morning.
No. No. and just to be sure you get it, No.
Rape is sex when the person who has been raped did not consent. Not when the rapist is unhappy his wife cannot have sex at the moment due to just giving birth, and also doesnt want to because of his attitude. He is also, despite op telling him a clear no, telling her how sexually frustrated he is in order to pressure her into sex. While awake.

He is not the victim here.

So you are happy to let your DH have sex with you when he’s asleep? That’s consensual then. OP isn’t consenting and doesn’t want to consent, which very much makes it rape.

I think you need to report him to the police @Smoggle123, or at least tell him that if it ever happens again you are reporting to the police.

I'm confident that it won't happen again.

This is rape and his 'condition' is non existent.

He needs to go to the doctors and tell them that he is raping his wife in his sleep, he should want to do this because he should know how terrible it is to violate and assault any woman let alone the woman he loves, he should be horrified that his body is doing this and desperately want to find a way to fix it.

Does he seem horrified OP? Has he taken any steps to stop it?

So your OH actually had sexomnia, a medical condition, but you just threatening to sleep in the spare room miraculously cured him?

Don't you think that is pretty unlikely and that actually he was lying to you about having sexomnia and he was just having sex with you while you were asleep and non-consenting, which is rape in my opinion.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/14/fears-sexsomnia-defence-in-cases

So you don't wake up when he's raping you?
Do either of you wake when the baby needs you?

Morning OP. How are you feeling? Hope you managed to get sleep last night and feel safe?

What has happened sounds frightening, please don’t blame yourself for not punching him etc as others have said. This is coming across as victim blaming. I hope your husband has suggested some ideas to make sure this doesn’t happen again - for example him wearing pyjamas, sleeping on the sofa, him calling the doctor about this etc

On a practical note - can you take the morning after pill if you’re at risk of pregnancy?

God I hope you dont have a daughter.

If this is in any way genuine, he needs to move the fuck out and never have your children overnight.

Condition or not, he is a danger to you and your children.

Has he ever raped a male friend or family member while sharing a room? I'm going to guess he hasn't.

Does he indeed

https://www.cps.gov.uk/east-midlands/news/prosecutors-block-sexsomnia-defence-see-controlling-rapist-jailed

Charlotte Caulton-Scott from the Crown Prosecution Service said: “Dean Final has been exposed for what he really is – a violent, manipulative and controlling individual. He is where he belongs now, where he cannot do any more harm to women.
“There was absolutely no merit in claiming he had not been in control because of sexsomnia. Prosecutors recognised immediately that this was just an attempt to shirk responsibility for his violent conduct. We will continue to challenge the myth of sexsomnia because in the vast majority of cases, it is simply not justified.
“The use of physical and sexual violence in a relationship is abhorrent. I am so glad that his victims were able to escape the hold he had on them and receive the protection from the law they deserve."

im so sorry but he is raping you.reas about coercive control - does it seem familiar?
It’s fine that you didn’t fight back - freeze is such a common response - so don’t listen to those criticising you for that.

I remember reading about a case years ago when a dad was sharing a bed with his daughter and friend and he raped the 14 year old friend. Claimed it was sexsomnia and got away with it. How people are still getting away with rape and claiming to be asleep is disgusting

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this too. Whether or not he’s got a medical condition that would get him off in court is by the by. The result is still OP being raped.

If someone beat me up when they were drunk and had no recollection of it, it wouldn’t mean that I hadn’t been beaten up.

Rape victims should not be told that they haven’t been raped just because the offender can’t remember it or couldn’t control it.

That’s not how physiology works.

OP there are lots of posters being sceptical of the convenience of sexomnia and I do think their concerns are valid and should be explored. However, you know much more about the situation than we do and you said you aren't here to evaluate the legitimacy but how to deal with your feelings around it if it is caused by sexomnia. So let's take it as fact he has sexomnia and what are your next steps.

The fact is he had sex with you without your consent and you were raped. Any feelings you have around this are absolutely valid from confusion to anger, sadness to disassociation. The fact he had no control over his actions does not mean those actions didn't happen and that you weren't hurt by them. You are entitled to reach out to any support you may feel needed including therapy or woman's charity.

As for next steps, again we are taking it as fact that this is a real condition, even though he had no control over what he was doing the result is he raped you and he has to take full accountability for this. Any good man would be horrified. My husband once rolled over in his sleep and accidentally whacked my nose it was not his fault at all but he got up to make sure I was ok, apologised profusely and rearranged pillows to stop it happening again. And that was a one time accident amd nowhere near as serious.

If it is safe to do so you need to explain it was rape, how you feel and he needs to accept that. There then need to be iron guardrails to stop it ever happening again. He needs to go to a Dr and get a sleep study done. He needs to take any treatment they prescribe. He needs to sleep on the floor, on the sofa, in a tent in the garden to keep you safe if that's what it takes and any decent man would do just that. He also needs to understand that this has damaged the possibility of consensual intimacy and he needs to be patient with that.

If you had a condition that hand on heart when you were fully unconscious made you grab the heaviest thing in the room and slam it on his penis and balls, it 100% was not your fault but it happened, what steps would he expect you to take.

He would never get out of the bed, no one else would ever be staying in the bed.