(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

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Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

I'm sorry you're going through this.

You're not consenting. It's rape.

And even if you believe that sexomnia is a thing, and he has it (which, quite frankly would be astonishing), he should be removing himself from the situation where he is raping you, repeatedly.

And his hand doesn't cut it?! Jeez. He's basically said that he'd rather insert himself into you when you are asleep and relieve himself that way. He's a monster.

Why are you ignoring every single post and not addressing the points raised?

Instead you continue to say the same things that aren't replies to anyone in particular.

Sexsomnia, OK it's a thing.

People who have it and love their family seek treatment.

Has your husband sought medical help, no he hasn't.

Does your husband have it, no he does not.

Is he a rapist, yes he is.

I think both the victim and the rapist are in denial in some sense, or it's some kind of weird folie à deux?

If my DH had sexsomnia then he would insist on sleeping on a sofa bed until he could guarantee my safety. That is what any reasonable man would do.

I went back & found your previous post. Taking care of your own needs without involving another person is completely different to what OP's DH is doing. And most of your post doesn't involve sexual activity, whereas all of OP's experiences do - her DH doesn't seem to be topping up the liquid soap in his sleep (not a euphemism).

And there you have it. Confirmation that he goes to bed knowing this will happen and he doesn't care.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/14/fears-sexsomnia-defence-in-cases.
Interesting article. There is a pay wall but you,can read the whole thing once for free,,by scrolling up.

Has he done anything to address the fact he has now assaulted you, brutally, more than once while he's asleep?

Seen a doctor?
Pushed for a specialist referral?
Researched medications?
Slept on the sofa when he was feeling particularly tired?

Has he himself actually taken any steps whatsoever to protect you from this happening again?

So instead of a wank he would prefer to assault /rape his sleeping wife who cant consent ??
Right.

Here is the correct URL for this Guardian article

www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/14/fears-sexsomnia-defence-in-cases

I've never heard of this but as others have said, IF he genuinely had no idea what he was doing AND IF he was a decent person, he would be mortified. He'd have done everything he could to ensure 100% it couldn't happen again after the first time.

Instead, he's feeling sorry for HIMSELF?! You can't prove it's genuinely happening in his sleep or not. Fine. But regardless of that, you are being raped. You are 100% entitled to your feelings - we would all feel exactly the same as you do about this.

So let's say it's genuine and he can't help it because he's so deprived atm. Regardless of that bullshit, you can and should be judging him on how horrified his reaction is in terms of what he's doing to you. Judge him on what he did after the first and only time to ensure it never happened again.

But it appears this has happened numerous times. Even if you believe he knows nothing about it at the time, his self-centred whining and lack of culpability, shame and proactivity in protecting you going forward tell you precisely who he is.

I'm appalled for you and hope you can get some strength from all the supportive comments here.

Sorry op I’m confused are you saying he is fast asleep finds your vagina puts his dick in you comes and he’s fully asleep do you wear underwear for bed? Because if this is real how does the gyration not wake him up. What happens if you get pregnant again and again do just accept it? I’m finding that really hard to believe and if wanking doesn’t cut it is that also acceptable to you? you don’t want sex while you’re awake so how is this ok? I would not be accepting this excuse one bit. I could understand if you were asleep and him awake you are basically condoning his actions.

Ask him if he worries about his sexomnia when family are around at Christmas in case he just slips his dick into his mum while she is sleeping or on a lad's trip in case he chooses to rape his bezzie mate.

This never happens because he is choosing to do this. It is rape.

Just here, feeling very overwhelmed. Dp is acting as usual and like nothing happened.

He was so apologetic last night, today he is just being snarky with me.

So even if he is unknowingly having unconsensual sex with you in his sleep, he isn't willing to do anything to stop it happening and he's arsey with you about it as though it's your fault. That's problem enough.

Sexomnia is an absolutely real thing. I have no idea why people would believe in sleep walking or sleep talking and not this. I know someone who suffers from it and he is absolutely mortified at what he has done in his sleep - he does not dismiss it or not seem bothered.

Your DP has refused to masturbate as a means of attempting to control whether or not he rapes you: massive red flag. This also leads me to doubt his integrity. Anyone who genuinely did not want to be raping their wife in their sleep would try anything to stop that from happening. I am so sorry, OP but there is no excuse for this.

he is raping you

OP the issue isn't whether sexsomnia is a "real" thing or not but whether your H is being honest with you about him suffering from it! He has never been diagnosed and you must see that it is an incredibly convenient excuse for him to do what he likes to you without your consent.

I would have thought if this was genuine he'd be beside himself with remorse, offering to seek medical help, being prepared to sleep elsewhere etc etc. As it is he's not even prepared to have a quick wank before going to sleep! When confronted he feels sorry for HIMSELF!

On top of the fact that this is probably rape and is making you feel awful, there is also the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. If you've finished your family, at the very least I'd be insisting on him having a vasectomy ASAP and I think he very much owes you this!

You cannot allow this to go on. Please put yourself first and tell him this is NEVER happening again and then take steps between you to make sure that it can't. If he won't fully co-operate you must see him for what he is - a selfish abuser.

Oh OP What are you going to do?

The fact he's being snarky with you shows that he's angry at you for not accepting what he's doing. How dare he be angry with you for not wanting to be molested whilst your asleep

I feel so sorry for you. None of this is your fault, he's a pig and he doesn't respect you. Have you got fanily you could stay with? I'd be kicking him out with his attitude this morning. He should be bending backwards to show you how sorry he is. Instead he's being snarky?

I'd be tempted to send him this thread tbh. How he isn't ashamed of himself I don't know

OP if my DH found out he had violated me in his sleep, he would be devastated. He would move heaven and earth to get help - in fact I think he would probably leave to guarantee my safety. Your husband is a monster, I’m sorry.

If I somehow abused my partner in my sleep I would sleep on the sofa or even the floor rather than risk it again.
I don’t believe him. He knows what he is doing and chooses to continue. He is raping you.

I'd be tempted to send him this thread tbh. How he isn't ashamed of himself I don't know

DO NOT do this. He doesn't listen to you, his beloved wife. He won't listen to us.

Don't allow him to become aware that you are talking about this on Mumsnet, all that will do is remove a source of support for you. Keep posting on here and don't tell him.

He was apologetic last night because he was caught. He is snarky now because you are questioning him.

If he really cared, he’d giving it a go having a wank before bed.

Report him to the police. If not for your sake, for the sake of your child or the poor woman in his next relationship.

If he can geninely rape someone in his sleep then he's not safe for anyone to share a house with until he is medicated. This needs an urgent GP appointment. Any decent man would have removed himself from the house until it's treated because he would be terrified of what else he could do in his sleep.

You said it yourself, you feel violated, which is not surprising! You are technically being raped.
And he is feeling sorry for himself rather being mortified and doing anything to stop this happen.