(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Sorry to be so blunt OP. But does sexomnia only have adult victims? Genuinely, what on earth is stopping his ‘condition’ from raping your children? Or other house guests?
leave him and call the police. I’m sure his defense council will look into his made up disorder.
Im so terribly sorry this is happening to you ❤️

OP, you need to arrange a way of sleeping in a separate bedroom with a lock on the inside. Even if it means somebody sleeping on an airbed. If DP is really unable to control his actions at night, he'll agree this is the only way to stop you being assaulted. If he doesn't agree...

A lack of sex can lead to stress and a lack of sleep

Both of these leads to more acts of sexsomnia.
This could be why his activity is higher during dry periods

I’m not saying have more sex if you don’t want to.
I’m just pointing out why there may be a link there.

It may be worth you pointing out the stats to your dp

Imagine a class of 30 kids with 60 parents. 50/50 male/female
Of that class of parents on average and based on the research
3 of the men will have sexsomnia and
1 of the women

Perhaps, like all things, if he knows he’s not alone he will go to the doctors and seek help and you will get the support you need

This

If he loved you and cared for your he would do anything in his power not to sexually touch you or penetrate you without your consent as to do so is rape.

If you believe he has a condition then you can fairly ask him:

What is your plan to not sexually assault me and rape me when I do not consent.

If he doesn’t have a plan he is intentionally raping you, because he knows it is likely to happen and won’t prevent it.

If you read the full thread, I've posted here about my own experience with sexsomnia. I'm female.

My ex done this to me for years and I am left with so much trauma I can't be intimate with anyone or even myself. This was one of the reasons we broke up - it's sexual abuse. Like you OP I would wake up with him doing things to me, pleasuring himself over me, or having penetrative sex with me. He would deny all knowledge if I confronted him, tell me he was asleep or I was imagining it. The sexual abuse wasn't just when I was asleep though, he would use guilting me, pressuring me, sulking, not letting me sleep, etc until I "agreed" to him having his way. It started when our child was born and continued for 10 years.

I've never read such a load of bollocks in all my life. He knows exactly what he's doing, his attitude to it makes that very clear. Get hold of his balls and give them a Chinese burn or just squeeze really hard, put a stop to that shit. Scratch his face, do whatever it takes to get him off you. It's rape. Plain and simple. He doesn't have your consent; it's rape.

Tell him to his face, you don't want sex, he knows you don't, so why is he not absolutely devastated that he is raping his wife 'allegedly' in his sleep? Demand an answer. He needs to hear the reality of what he is doing and what kind of man that makes him.

I'd tell him to sleep downstairs as I don't feel I could trust him anymore. He should being doing that himself if he knows that this happens. But he doesn't. Because he isn't fucking asleep, he's a rapist.

No way. Just no. This is horrible.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt (despite his awful "hand doesn't cut it" comment) and say he really does have a medical condition he can't control. It is causing him to break the law, hurt someone he is supposed to love and care for, and potentially put others in danger (what happens if he "needs" sex and you aren't there?) WHY has he STILL not sought medical help?

If the two of you together cannot make your living space safe for you and the children, he has to leave until he has this under control. If he will not cooperate and you can't force him out, please contact https://womensaid.org.uk for practical assistance.

What utter rubbish. Where on earth have you got those figures from?

Op he needs to be on the sofa.

People, regardless of sex & ‘mania’, do all sorts of stuff in their sleep, from consuming a fridge worth of food to driving their car or even murdering their MIL(a film was made of this 1).
Sometimes it can be brought on by some medications.
My ‘d’h would occasionally lash out & kick or thump me & on others also regularly shout very loudly sometimes lengthy comments or just a name etc.. he even peed into his suitcase beside the bed once! When I explained to him, he listened but usually come up with some excuse like, “I was dreaming about being mugged”, tho, was somewhat forced to believe me when told to look in his soggy suitcase! I sleep in another room now.

Okay so while I think it’s not impossible (my boyfriend… erm….. has these moments but it’s solo, I think his brain must mistake an erection due to wanting to use the bathroom for sex) I’m struggling to understand how it goes to such length without him waking up.

Only saying this because if my bf is doing it and then I participate he will wake up. Startled and disoriented yeah, but he’ll wake up.

I’d be booting him to the sofa and then he needs to see a doctor. This is quite dangerous.

He's not making sense, OP. If his hand doesn't "cut it" while he's conscious and in full control of what he's doing and the sensations that he's experiencing then how on earth can his having sex with you when he claims he is asleep and therefore unaware of what he is doing possibly "cut it"?

If my husband developed a condition that meant he raped me in my sleep then he would seek medical attention, lock himself in another bedroom every night and not be also attempting to guilt me into having sex with him while I was conscious by telling me that a wank didn't satisfy him.

If he’s asleep when he tries things then why aren’t you waking him up. Push him away, kick him anything. You don’t need to have sex if you don’t want too.

@Smoggle123 regardless of the validity of sexsomnia, he's having sex with you without your consent which is rape.

You're feeling violated for a reason.

Whatever else you do or don't do, it is not safe for you to share a bed or room with him, he is not safe.

Yes, but you said that you masturbate, not that you rape your partners. I feel like there's a major difference there. Even in sleep, you'd think that subconsciously it would register as 'wrong' to try to molest someone else, especially if the awake partner was trying to push the sleeping partner away.

Agreed. And the problem I have with sexomnia is the men who claim to have it tend to be sex pests with poor boundaries when awake.

I don’t disbelieve it could be a thing, I’m just not sure that’s what’s happening here.

His reaction to this consequences of his sexomnia is the problem. I man who loved you and wanted to protect you should be beside himself, devasted that he rapes you in his sleep. He should be doing everything in his power to ensure this doesnt happen again. But he isn't. Because he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong. He thinks he is entitled to your body with or without consent. This is not a loving husband. This is a rapist.

OP I have read all of your posts and I want to give you some support. My ex husband did this. It definitely was a thing.

It was horrible. Never graduated to full sex but it was terrifying being suddenly woken with his hands on me.

One thing to note. He was addicted to porn. Quite rough stuff and honestly that was one of the reasons we split. He tried to hide it then shame me because I wasn’t ‘putting out’. Yuk. Anyway he did actually go for counselling but the damage was done and we split. The actual act of starting to try and have sex whilst he was asleep was definitely real though. Horrible for you.

OP will he be sleeping on the sofa tonight and until he has been medically assessed?
there’s two hours till B&Q closes- will
you send him to go and get a lock for your bedroom door ??

@Catwalking
You need to try and get him to the GP about this. It is actually a very serious disorder (REM Sleep behaviour disorder), and is linked with other neurological conditions (eg there is a % of people with rem sleep behaviour disorder who go on to develop Parkinsons). I’m not a medical professional.

He can't help it yet I can guarantee if he had to share a bed with his mother or another female that this 1000000000% wouldn't happen. Bet it wouldn't happen if he was sharing a bed with a male friend either.

If it is real and he is sorry then why isn't he doing somthing to help himself and stop it from happening? The fact he doesn't want to pleasure himself as it's not the same speaks absolute volumes

He'd rather rape his partner "while he's asleep" than wank himself off

He's absolutely vile and I hope you come to your senses soon

Also, think about it this way. You could be sharing your bed with your child and he starts molesting her/him in their sleep unconsciously. Would he be as blase about that? He would hopefully be absolutely horrified and vow to do whatever he could to keep his family safe. Why does the same not apply to you?

Research
RTFT

I know you don’t want to debate if sexomnia is a real thing, but look at what you have just said.

You say he has this very real condition and he absolutely cannot control it.
But then you have also said that after you told him not to do it anymore he stoped.

Both things cannot be true. If he stopped after you talked about it, he very much has control…

This too OP. If he can't control himself to the point he's raping you whilst your asleep and he's not seeking help for it then he's also a danger to your child. Seriously. If he can't help himself how can you trust him to be safe around your baby?

If you and him don't think he's a danger to your child then you need to open your eyes to the fact that he is fully aware he's raping you at night and he doesn't care