(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

I think some men do genuinely have this, my husband does things in his sleep he'd never do awake, he'd be way too respectful. He never progresses to sex in his sleep but he does other things. Also talking and acting out in their sleep seems to be an issue for his father and brother too, not sexually as far as I'm aware but in other ways.

I personally don't mind what my partner does to me in his sleep and find it amusing and quite sweet but I think if anything like that is happening and the woman or other partner finds it uncomfortable or abusive then they are well within their rights to ask the sexomnia partner to sleep elsewhere.

Well I sometimes talk on my sleep
Apparently occasionally. I have been very grumpy and unpleasant when my husband tries to wake me up on the morning. Honestly, I have no memory of what I've said

Frankly, now you're just starting to sound disingenuous, saying that it's 'a medical condition' he can't help even though he hasn't been diagnosed, but then quoting things he's said that make it crystal clear he's actively choosing to do it.

If this is a real situation then tell him to sleep on the sofa if he can't keep his hands to himself, and if he says no, then sleep on the sofa yourself and make plans to leave him ASAP because he's a rapist.

Yes. He just told on himself.

Frankly, now you're just starting to sound disingenuous,

Agree.

Yes obviously having a good and isn’t the same as repeatedly raping your partner.

He's a disgusting rapist cunt and you’re making excuses for his sexual abuse,

Why people are questioning it is because you jeep justifying why it’s on to rape you.

What about when he can’t help himself in a few years and rapes your child?

Totally agree. If he's able to 'stop' it after therapy and hearing OPs feelings then he knows what he's doing. To an extent at least.

OP what if he shares a bed with your child at some point, or your child sneaks in and he doesn't realise and then starts going for them? That's a very real and harrowing risk if he genuinely can't help it.

please protect yourself and your kids. Glossing over this is irresponsible and pretty fucked up.

@Smoggle123
And that comment about wanking tells you everything that you need to know about it all OP.
He knows what he's doing while making you think that you're being unreasonable in objecting to something that he is perpetrating against you - he is making you complicit in his crime by having you think that he has some kind of mental illness.
Other PP's have it right - he is a cunt and you are not safe here.

This. Also, only usually happens during “a dry spell or rough patch”🙄 a sharp twist in a sensitive spot might stop this going forwards😊

Oh OP, he knows what he's doing.

Is that a joke?

He should be sleeping outside in a kennel, like a dog.

He should be sleeping in a prison cell where rapists belong

The having a wank comment was before this happened, on the week leading up to and with him being handsy

I said he is clearly frustrated and asked if needed some "alone time" but he said his hand doesn't cut it.

He's raping you. You want to believe its sexsomnia because that means the man you love isn't violating you at your most vulnerable time. What has he done about his "sexsomnia" has he been to his GP? Has he asked for a sleep study? Is he actually diagnosed with anything? I bet he hasn't done anything because he chooses to continue violating you.

Rape. No other word for it

Another one here who is worried for you. I’m not sure “sexsomnia” is a legitimate condition, and even if it is, I think it’s used as a cover for rape by a great many awful men. If you believed you were regularly abusing your partner in your sleep, wouldn’t you insist on sleeping apart? Wouldn’t you do anything to put a stop to it?! He isn’t, though, is he?

Agree. If this self diagnosed condition was real, he’d gr full of remorse, seek medical help and do whatever he could to mitigate the risk to the OP.

The fact he’s done none of the above says he’s not concerned about her wellbeing and he enjoys raping and violating her repeatedly.

If he genuinely does things in his sleep that he can't control, how can he be sure he won't strangle you some day? Or, as others have pointed out, what if your daughter comes into his bed in a few yers time?

If he really has that condition, you're not safe - and quite possibly nor are your children.

If he's only putting it on of course, there are still risks, quite apart from the fact that he's a rapist. The biggest one being that he start to drug you. Or coiuld already be doing it. Did you read the link about the woman who was being drugged by her partner so he could rape her?

Something that makes me think it's a pretence is that you said it happens when you're going through a difficult patch. That makes me think he's punishing/humiliating you.

I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

I think by saying you are not consenting, he should sleep elsewhere because as your husband of course he doesn't want to rape you.

I think he should see a doctor and get help. A CPAP machine and medication may help.

Also his comment that his hand is not the same makes me wonder why he's not masturbating to limit the possibility of sexsomnia. Surely, as I've said above, he doesn't want to rape you.

So either it is real, and he should take steps to avoid sexsomnia like sleeping separately, masturbating before bed, going to the doctor (and taking medication if he's prescribed it), or it's an excuse to rape you.

If he refuses to manage it, then in your position I would be reconsidering the relationship because he's not showing that he respects you or cares about you.

This is utterly horrifying. Hope it's a troll tbh.

To those asking why doesn't he just have a wank before I bed, I suggested this to him but he said apparently his hand isn't the same as the real thing.

So, his preference is to rape you?

His hand is still better than nothing. If you've said "no", he should fall back to his hand because you saying "no" means he gets to choose between his hand or nothing.

His refusal to wank is part of how he is pressuring you into sex you don't want. His rape of you is how he steps beyond pressuring you into just taking from you.

even if he does have this condition (which I very very much doubt, funny how I've never heard of a woman having this), he's basically saying 'I sometimes rape you in my sleep but I don't care and won't bother doing anything about it, you just have to put up with it ho hum'

so he's a liar, a rapist and a cunt