(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

He wields the vast amount of power and control in this relationship whilst you have very little to none. If these children have his surname this is yet more power handed over by you to him.

He is using sexsomnia as an excuse to rape you. You cannot give consent whilst you are asleep and therefore he is raping you.

I would urge you to contact Rape Crisis and the police. This is a crime that should not go unpunished.

If you're breastfeeding you need the copper, non-hormonal coil (IUD). I'm really sorry this is happening. Reminds me of the Gisele Pelicot case.

@Smoggle123
If he has a history of activity overnight while asleep (like talking, moving around etc) then he may well have a serious sleep disorder. I have not heard of sexsomnia- but it sounds like a parasomnia, a disorder whereby the binary shut-off that is supposed to happen in your brain when dreaming / sleeping and voluntary control of muscles, doesn’t work properly (ie when you are dreaming, you are supposed to be essentially in a state of paralysis). Some instances of this actually involve people dreaming that they are being chased by attackers, and they start to fight back, but obviously they are in bed, with a partner, so they can actually be attacking their partner in bed. I think one case actually happened where someone killed their partner. It is called REM Sleep Behaviour Disorder. I understand that it can be worse / occur more when sleep deprived. I am not a doctor.

I think you need to get him to seek medical advice / specialist tests urgently - as you are ultimately not safe in bed with him. I think you need to highlight to him that he is essentially assaulting you, and this is not acceptable, and he needs to seek medical investigation. If he refuses to get investigated then you document all of this and the next time it happens, you try to physically repel him / stop him doing whatever it is, and if he continues, despite you struggling then you should report it to the police. And you tell him right now that this is what you will be doing if it happens again.

Denial is a powerful force.

What is the situation re the property and finances?. Are you named on a mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

I was just going to say that: the OP needs to be careful that he doesn't move on to drugging her to put an end to any tiresome objections the followng day.
The Pelicot case was bizarre in that her husband was bringing in other men to rape her, because his fetish was voyeurism, but there have been a number of cases in the UK and Ireland where the man drugged his partner just for his own "pleasure". It's probably more common that people realise.

ETA: A link to a case in the UK:
"I was drugged and raped by my husband for years"

Like alcoholism, gambling, drugs, if someone is mot willing to get serious help then they deserve to ge dumped. You simply can’t stay with him if he won’t take this seriously and get medical intervention. People are not safe around him if he’s asleep regardless of their age, and that is scary.

He has never approached the GP about this dark side to him which also makes me think he does not think he is doing anything wrong here. Indeed he feels entitled to do this to the OP.

What a disgusting man. He is raping you and you’re both downplaying it. Tell him to get the fuck out of your bed, if you won’t tell him to get the fuck out of your life at least.

He is a rapist. I bet my money on him being fully awake and just pretending that he can't help it.

Once he realised how bad it made me feel he took it seriously and is now feeling sorry for himself

It's all about him, isn't it? Selfish bastard.

He needs to see a doctor immediately and at least sleep on the floor until he's been treated.

Intentionally or otherwise, he's having sex with you without your consent and against your will. If he's not utterly horrified by that and doing something about it, he's really not a good man.

I think I would be developing castration-omnia.
I'm so sorry op, this is absolutely awful for you ☹️😥

To those asking why doesn't he just have a wank before I bed, I suggested this to him but he said apparently his hand isn't the same as the real thing.

The man is a c*nt.

Let me come round now with my big kitchen knife and castrate the c u n t for you

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens.

I suggested a sofa bed for him downstairs at the start of the thread, could that be a solution?

If he is genuinely sorry, he would be happy to sleep downstairs so you can lock your bedroom and sleep without threat of rape.

This is him admitting he does it on purpose because he likes it and he can get away with it.

Tough shit is my answer to that

This suggests he knows he is raping you and wants to continue. You must see that, surely?

I'm not telling you to "shut up". Quote where I said that, or something that means the same. I'll wait.

What I did say, is to give reasons why I'd sooner assume the thread was in good faith than not, and to explain why women shouldn't let male psraphilias stop us from speaking.

It's one thing to disagree with me, but quite another to lie about what I've said.

Why are you not caring that he could SA or rape your child?

She's been gaslit and abused by him for so long that she doesn't know up from down, that combined with sleep deprivation because of having a new baby, the op is overwhelmed and unable to weigh things up and properly make a plan.
This man is a vile and disgusting predator.

But a wank is better than nothing, and if you are exhausted with the baby then he should be expecting nothing.

What he has just told you is that he's saving himself for the rape he plans to commit once you've fallen asleep.

Sorry OP, you are being raped and it sounds like you are both in denial. I don't understand why you wouldn't wake him up as soon as you are aware of what is happening to you, or why it's impossible for him to sleep separately until he has sought help for this (I don't believe him btw. Even if it really is a thing, that doesn't mean its real in his case - its convenient that it only happens when you are not willingly having sex, and if it is true, any decent man would do anything to avoid raping the woman they love - even if it means sleeping on the kitchen floor). This is not okay and you need to take steps to protect yourself.

So he just wants a fuck and will do it when you sleep because you're not keen whilst conscious.

Then if you wake up he pretends he's not awake and just continues till he's finished.

Righty ho, he's just a cunt then, isn't he, and doesn't have any illness at all. He wants sex and will take it.

Oh my life that tells you everything surely.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you