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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

583 replies

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:08

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

OP posts:

Thread gallery

YourLoyalPlumOP · 30/11/2025 11:02

HoppingPavlova · 30/11/2025 10:44

Sexomnia is a real thing, and properly recognised, but it is very rare too. Stress, anxiety, and fatigue can trigger it

Fine. BUT, surely if you did genuinely suffer from this you would be beyond mortified and take actions to limit the possibility. Like sleeping in a spare room where you need to wake up on the way to the other room? Or, my friend’s (adult) child has autism, not toilet trained and likes to paint everything with his poo. You can get special ‘suits’ for this so they can’t get into it. If you genuinely suffered from it, surely you would be looking at such things? However, it seems he just shrugs and goes ‘oh well, that’s that then, can’t be helped’ and is not bothered, which is utterly outrageous and unlike someone who is trying to address a genuine medical condition.

Yep. The person I knew was highly traumatised by it. Took years and years of therapy

SillyBilly123456 · 30/11/2025 11:03

This is horrible for you and your partner seems to be downplaying the seriousness. I think in your place, while you are both sleep deprived with a new baby, he should sleep on a blow-up bed on the floor. He should be willing to do this to protect you - if he is not, then i would question the veracity of his claims to be completely asleep.

blacksax · 30/11/2025 11:05

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:12

@OverlyFragrant we just don't have the room for that. It's so hard to prove/debunk as I am always asleep and abruptly woken up mid way with him having sex with me. He doesn't usually "come to" until the end, by then he is confused as to what has happened (but never complains about it happening)

You are not consenting. That makes him a rapist - proved by the fact that he isn't horrified and appalled by what he's doing to you without your consent.

diddl · 30/11/2025 11:10

as I am always asleep and abruptly woken up mid way with him having sex with me. He doesn't usually "come to" until the end,

So when you wake up, are you not able to wake him up until he finishes?

Houmousandcrisps · 30/11/2025 11:13

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:21

@Houmousandcrisps he tried to downplay it at first, since this isn't the first time it's happened in our relationship I think he was hoping I'd not make an issue of it. Once he realised how bad it made me feel he took it seriously and is now feeling sorry for himself

But he doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously- as I said my DH would be totally horrified if this was genuinely happening to him, and willing to do anything to avoid a repeat (urgent doctor appointment, sleeping on the sofa until then). Not just feeling sorry for himself
I think you are so exhausted you aren’t thinking straight - you poor thing.

Cucy · 30/11/2025 11:15

If I was him and i genuinely couldn’t help it, I would be absolutely mortified and sleeping downstairs and seeing the gp.

The fact that he doesn’t seem to give a shit and not doing anything to stop it tells you everything you need to know.

I don’t understand why you’re being so passive in this.
Why have you not told him to move out or sleep in a different room?

Just because someone has a ‘condition’ doesn’t mean they should get away with their behaviour.
What if he had PTSD, MH or schizophrenia - would it be acceptable for him to beat you and your child because ‘he can’t help it’.

hypnovic · 30/11/2025 11:15

He must make a GP appointment or find someone else to stay with.

patooties · 30/11/2025 11:16

He’s a rapey liar.

Cucy · 30/11/2025 11:17

OP if he genuinely can’t help having sex and touching you in his sleep - he will also do this to his child.

How you can both even risk this happening is absolutely vile.

ZingyLemonMoose · 30/11/2025 11:18

He’s lying. He only gets attacks of this when you’re going through a difficult patch and are likely to say no. He’s raping you and lying about it. I’m really sorry he’s so abusive, I’d leave now before it gets worse.

LondonLady1980 · 30/11/2025 11:19

frockandcrocs · 30/11/2025 10:15

Whether or not it is real is beside the point, he is still raping you.

He knows about it and has seemingly not taken any precautions to prevent it from happening. And not got an official diagnosis, so frankly his whole story is probably bullshit.

Youre a fool if you don’t demand he get a diagnosis and/or contact the police.

Imagine if your child was in the bed.

I imagine that if the child were in the bed he wouldn’t unconsciously start raping his wife….

What a coincidence that would be for this condition he can’t control….

ChicaWowWow · 30/11/2025 11:21

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 09:50

I feel like this thread has derailed by people trying to convince me isn't real. As I said before, I'm not debating if sexomnia is genuine or not. I have experienced my dp doing this and I do believe it's plausible he is asleep.

This isn't the first time it has happened, throughout our time together I have questioned what if it was someone else, you don't do it then? But I think it's a psychological thing as stated that sexomnia gets triggered sleeping next to your partner. So he knows when he is beside me and it usually happens if I were bed shorts or just underwear, something easy to remove.

He already sleep talks. A lot. He sits up in his sleep, looks around, scratches his head, talks, laughs. Dp has always been very restless in his sleep.

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

And to answer the question, no dp has not been officially diagnosed. I decided for the first time to look up if others had shared this experience and didn't expect to see that it had a medical name and diagnosis.

Also to the person who says I won't come back..... I was up till 3 am with a baby and only just finished with the morning routine with the kids. Very weird thing to persist with on a thread that is meant for support. Shame on you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Regardless of the condition your DH has or not, having sex without your consent is rape. I would tell him to sleep on the sofa and lock your bedroom at night (add a lock if you don't already do, they're cheap) and tell him he's not to share a room with you until he sorts his condition out fully (medication, therapy, whatever it takes). You cannot live with someone at risk to rape you in your sleep, sexomania or not!!!

daisychain01 · 30/11/2025 11:21

I'd be wearing a pair of granny pants and pyjamas that you can tie up at the waist with a firm double bow so the only way he has access to you is by being conscious enough to untie it.

oh wait, better still, get rid of him, especially as you've already said your relationship is on the rocks. That, or be willing to be raped by your husband like it's the 1950s.

Lamentingalways · 30/11/2025 11:21

Oh come on OP, he develops this when he’s feeling horny? Surely you can see he’s lying? This would be more random than that. I would bet demanding a diagnosis or I would be reporting this to the police as a rape. Sorry to be blunt but I believe he is sexually abusing you.

usedtobeaylis · 30/11/2025 11:27

So what is he doing about it? The very first time he claimed this, what did he do about it? Is he feeling fine to keep violating you?

MeridianB · 30/11/2025 11:29

You say you don’t want to discuss the legitimacy of his condition but you owe it to yourself to do just this.

You say no and he takes it. There is a word for this and unless and until he is diagnosed by a medical expert it is rape.

Cleo65 · 30/11/2025 11:43

Pyjamas & knickers would be my immediate first action.....

MrsLizzieDarcy · 30/11/2025 11:50

This must be a hard read, OP, but I think the feeling I get from reading the replies is genuine concern from most that you seem to be downplaying this. You may be married but he has no "right" to your body when you are asleep - and the fact you have a newborn baby makes it even worse.

I would have a talk when you're both relaxed and not stressed (if possible with young DC) and you need to make it very clear that if you are to stay married, he needs to seek medical attention as a matter of urgency, and you also need to be sleeping behind a locked door until he's "able" to control his condition (if he has one). If he doesn't agree to this, then you're going to have to tell him to leave. The word rape is very upsetting to hear - but I do agree with PP's that there is a fine line between conscious and unconscious behaviour.

Ramallamading · 30/11/2025 11:52

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:23

@geekygardener I really can't just up and leave. I have a baby, no where to go and DC who is due surgery this week.

HE can leave. Change locks when he's out, speak to a specialist police officer about what's been happening. Speak to your GP so it's on record PLEASE.
You are being raped regularly
The surgery will still happen
You are being raped. If he gets away with it things will just get worse.

PolyVagalNerve · 30/11/2025 11:57

OP :
this bit of your posts :

”The last time he did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again”

Tells us everything

He IS in CONTROL

and is pretending / gaslighting you to suggest otherwise ….. for his own gratification

you’ve been raped. Many times. I’m sorry x

Frogs88 · 30/11/2025 12:03

I know someone that claimed to have this as a reason for him molesting his daughter… If your husband truly believes this is what he has then he needs to go seek a diagnosis and treatment and make sure he sleeps separately to everyone. There’s no use in him feeling sorry for himself when you and everyone else in your house/overnight visitors are at risk.

TwoMintsLoose · 30/11/2025 12:05

He should sleep on the sofa to protect you and your children. They often have bad dreams or ill etc and come into parents bed. He’s just not safe to have in bed. I’m not sure I’d want him in the house, but if he believes he has this and cares about you and kids I’m surprised he hasn’t suggested it himself.

Emilesgran · 30/11/2025 12:06

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:21

Sorry for himself?
Right - that says a lot. And needs to be dealt with.

If he's sorry for himself because he genuinely is unaware of it, then he needs to take action to stop this happening again: going to the GP would be a start, but so would sleeping elsewhere in the meantime. If he's telling the truth. If being sorry for himself is a way of making it impossible for you to refuse his behaviour, then that's probablt deliberate and is basically sexual assault.

ManyATrueWord · 30/11/2025 12:06

You know what? It doesn't matter if he actually had this incredibly rare disorder or if he is a bastard who pretends he has to rape his sleeping wife, it needs to stop NOW. If he was a decent man he would be sleeping in a different room.

I personally think he's a lying rapist. I'm sorry, @Smoggle123 , but we know the truth in ourselves about this kind of thing. I bet you know your truth, you just don't want it to be true.

BunnyLake · 30/11/2025 12:09

If this condition is real (🤨) then it sounds very dangerous. Not for the ‘sexomniac’ but for whoever might be in their proximity. What if he fell asleep on the sofa would he be groping granny? Or do they only get this condition when they’re asleep in bed next to their partner?

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