(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Whether it's real or not, he should be so horrified at the fact he's had sex with you WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT (you know full well what that is) on multiple occasions that he's tried to get to the bottom of it/get diagnosed/stops it from happening. He doesn't care.

"No one can control what they do in their sleep, so calling him a rapist is just horrible."

Oh what utter rot. Calling him a rapist is accurate. What do you call inflicting non-consensual sex on someone?

Nope. This is rape. Are you telling me, that if for some reason you were away on holiday or something and he had to sleep in the same bed as his brother, he would rape him too and it's not his fault? Not buying this for a second. Funny how this happens when he's not getting much action, almost if he's trying to blame you for it. This has got to stop, If he can't stop raping you, then you need separate rooms, ideally yours with a lock on. I'm sorry you're going through this. This must be so hurtful and confusing for you. You must not know what to do, and not want to tell anyone, but I'm so glad you have written on here.

It doesn't matter what the circumstances. Nobody gets to touch your body without your consent. You have explicitly told him he is not allowed to. That is rape. If he says he can't help it, the solution is not, you get to be raped and it's not his fault, it is him removing himself from access to you for your safety. And he is not feeling sorry for himself. He got what he wanted. He's trying to minimise his punishment from you.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep yourself safe.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you OP. When my babies were tiny and I was feeding/changing nappies/soothing them through the night, ExH used to pester me and keep me awake until I agreed to have sex with him. I didn't want to but no matter how tired I was or how much I said no, he wouldn't leave me alone. It was easier to give in just so I could sleep. That's self-preservation, not consent.

Whatever his reason, he's raping you and you're entitled to feel however you feel about that. You've said you feel violated, and you have been. No wonder. You aren't safe to sleep in your own bed.

Your husband needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and start doing whatever it takes for you to be safe. Apologise profusely. Leave if you want him to leave. Stay if you want him to stay. Sleep on the sofa. Install a lock on the bedroom door so you can lock him out at night. See a GP, explain that he's raping his wife in his sleep and take whatever treatment he needs to stop.

Whether he does any of that isn't within your power. What is in your power to do is to find support for yourself. See your GP, explain what's happening. Get reliable contraception. Tell a trusted relative or friend. Tell your midwife/health visitor. Get referred for counselling. Phone Women's Aid. Take your GP/midwife/health visitor/WA's support to leave with your DC, if that's what you would like to do. Report him to the police and get him removed from the house, so you and the DC can stay, if that's what you would like to do. Install a lock on your bedroom door.

Absolutely. I think my DH would ask me to lock him in another room at night. It’s awful.

He's a rapist and he's lying to you.

Well then accept that he has a medical condition that you are happy to go along with. Why ask for advice you are not going to take? Like a PP stated upthread. Because you are being assaulted and raped on the regular. I would very quickly be developing a medical condition that made me insert a non cone shaped object in him each and every time.

He needs to get himself to a doctor (or a vet) and get some treatment.

Im so sorry op this is awful for you.
it absolutely is rape.

He needs to take this very very seriously. The responsibility is on him to sort this.
I have heard of men sleeping in sleeping bags/onsie that they can't undo in the night, separate rooms obviously where that is available.

You mention he is feeling sorry for himself. I'd reccomend he does a sexual entitlement therapy course with Chris jones. It isn't a healthy response for him to make it all about himself.

Obviously he needs to investigate this at the gp too. All you can do it make yourself safe op. That is paramount. So if that means him leaving or you or him sleeping downstairs then that must happen.

There is also podcast episodes on this very topic that you may find very helpful. I'd reccomend pbse and sex love and addiction with Dr rob. There will be a few so find the one that you feel most relates to you.

I’m pretty sure if a heterosexual man - even a very tired one - with this purported “sexomnia” was sharing a bed with a burly 6 foot bloke they would not start absently-mindedly fondling them or trying to have sex with them in their sleep.

Sexomnia is a real thing, and properly recognised, but it is very rare too. Stress, anxiety, and fatigue can trigger it

Fine. BUT, surely if you did genuinely suffer from this you would be beyond mortified and take actions to limit the possibility. Like sleeping in a spare room where you need to wake up on the way to the other room? Or, my friend’s (adult) child has autism, not toilet trained and likes to paint everything with his poo. You can get special ‘suits’ for this so they can’t get into it. If you genuinely suffered from it, surely you would be looking at such things? However, it seems he just shrugs and goes ‘oh well, that’s that then, can’t be helped’ and is not bothered, which is utterly outrageous and unlike someone who is trying to address a genuine medical condition.

@Smoggle123
"After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there"
Sexsomnia is not 'cured' with a short course of counselling. It is a life long neurological condition and it is completely involuntary.
It is interesting that it only seems to happen when you're wearing little or it's a dry period for sex. That sounds more like opportunity. A sexsomniac can not change behaviour because they feel bad or understand that their behaviour makes you feel bad. That is the behaviour of someone who knows that they're caught out and need to deflect what are criminal acts by making the victim feel sorry for them. Your counsellor should have referred your partner for proper evaluation if sexsomnia is suspected - the fact that they didn't speaks volumes.

Sleep talking is very common but is not an indicator for sexsomnia. I knew a psychiatrist who did assessments for sexsomnia (in rape/assault cases) and he never identified a genuine case - and only knew of one case identified by a colleague.

You might want to get down the chemist for the morning after pill rather than chastising posters for being unsupportive.
And your husband should also go to the doctor, how that hasn’t been obvious to you both I can’t quite fathom.

I've name changed for this because this is something I've never spoken about to anyone. I've only read the first page so I don't know if you've had replies from anyone else who's been through this, but it happened to me. I know how awful it feels, and I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this.

For me it was 15+ years ago and he was the father of my two (very young at the time) daughters. Like you, it started when we were going through a dry spell. I would wake up with him already having sex with me. It only happened a handful of times but I felt so violated every time. I would push him off, turn my back on him and cry myself to sleep. He offered no comfort and showed no remorse.

When I spoke to him about it he claimed to have no memory of it, or that he only woke up when I pushed him off me. I believed him.

Confused and distressed I looked online and found out about sexomnia and accepted this as the explanation. I begged him to get help, but he refused. We broke up within a year of this starting, not directly because of this, but it was a contributing factor.

It was years before I admitted to myself that I had probably been raped. I'll never know for certain, but I think he knew what he was doing.

If he is not full of shame and remorse, if he is not begging you for forgiveness, if he is not immediately seeking help, if he is not sleeping separately until this is resolved... then even if he isn't doing this on purpose, he's happy to allow it to continue and he doesn't care how violated it makes you feel. This won't get any better. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you.

It is a real thing and my husband has it. I never told him about it because I didn’t understand at the time and it never got to penetrative sex. In any case I have Vaginismus so that isn’t possible. I was able to push him off me. I don’t think my husband would have gone to therapy for it though. He gets very stressed sbd tired though.

No he does not and I would be getting rid of him, speaking for myself.

OP, you say: This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again.

But if he stops doing it because he knows how you feel (how did he think you'd feel, for god's sake?) then that implies he has a choice in this and is actually making a decision.

It doesn't make sense that he has sexomnia and that it stops after counselling.

My husband had all these things going on

Exactly this.

I'm sorry you've been through this too and glad you're away from him.

You didn’t tell your h that he was attempting to rape you at night because you could push him off and he wouldn’t have sought help anyway?

I don't think people can just stop sleep disorders. However there are solutions: sleep in separate rooms OR if OP doesn't want to do that, they both wear full clothes to bed.

I don't think OP is responsible for his behaviour, but she's said she doesn't want to do separate rooms, so there are other solutions.

Also with my DP he would wake up upset that we were having sex and he didn't want to be! It confused me at the time because he'd been so much wanting to in his sleep, then would be bewildered/annoyed - but it is a genuine condition and the people aren't conscious when they do it. There are ways to stop it though. People who are asleep in my experience can't get into a onesie - OP's DP could wear a onesie or full clothes to bed and I'm sure this would stop.

Forgive me OP but I get the impression that you feel at some level he's entitled to do what's happening. He's not.

Has HE been medically diagnosed?

That's the important question.

If he hasn't then surely he would want to see a specialist about this in order to try and stop raping his wife.

If he has no interest in medical intervention I call bullshit.

I’m no expert on the science but if this is real he should be seeking a medical diagnosis and treatment immediately, and sleeping on the sofa until resolved, not just letting it happen. Absent that if I was your friend I’d urge you to go to the police. He should be devastated he is doing this.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you and that you feel trapped by your situation with young children. And I’m sorry you’re being attacked on this thread for not stopping it. Do you have someone you can talk to or can you call the Refuge helpline for some advice https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/national-domestic-abuse-helpline/

For tonight OP you need to create a room with a bed for you, a space for baby and everything that you need. Then you need to get to B&Q and but the stuff to lock that room from the inside. Doesn’t have to be pretty. But you need to feel safe to sleep in peace.

A decent partner would support you with this- even helping you with installing the lock if they’re more handy.

If he makes you feel like you’re overreacting- well. You have your answer here.

sorry this has happened.

Also the person I knew was so so traumatised he required massive therapy.