Page 12 | (((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

ThroughTheRedDoor · 30/11/2025 10:06

Hang on. So it's an uncontrollable thing? That he does in his sleep and has no idea hes doing it and therefore can't stop it. Yet he controlled it for years?

You must be able to see why people are struggling to believe it!

Slimtoddy · 30/11/2025 10:06

So sexmania is a thing. He may have it. You think he probably does have it.

So, he needs to go to his GP about it! It is pretty simple really although he might feel a bit uncomfortable doing it but that's the only thing he can do.

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 30/11/2025 10:07

I'm as so confused by this post. You are woken up to being raped but just try to stay asleep because you're tired? As others have suggested wear clothes that are hard to take off like a onesie and if he tries anything chuck a glass of water/slap/pinch whatever to wake him up. Not getting into the debate about whether sexsomnia is real but if my dh did this and I told him he would be absolutely horrified and straight to a gp/councilor. The fact that he is basically like 'woops sorry about the rape' is the giant red flag.

Wouldwoodknot · 30/11/2025 10:09

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 09:50

I feel like this thread has derailed by people trying to convince me isn't real. As I said before, I'm not debating if sexomnia is genuine or not. I have experienced my dp doing this and I do believe it's plausible he is asleep.

This isn't the first time it has happened, throughout our time together I have questioned what if it was someone else, you don't do it then? But I think it's a psychological thing as stated that sexomnia gets triggered sleeping next to your partner. So he knows when he is beside me and it usually happens if I were bed shorts or just underwear, something easy to remove.

He already sleep talks. A lot. He sits up in his sleep, looks around, scratches his head, talks, laughs. Dp has always been very restless in his sleep.

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

And to answer the question, no dp has not been officially diagnosed. I decided for the first time to look up if others had shared this experience and didn't expect to see that it had a medical name and diagnosis.

Also to the person who says I won't come back..... I was up till 3 am with a baby and only just finished with the morning routine with the kids. Very weird thing to persist with on a thread that is meant for support. Shame on you.

People are concerned about you because, in your DPs case, his symptoms don’t seem to track with genuine sexsomnia.
He’s not upset about having raped you while he was, apparently, unconscious - this is not a normal reaction.
He is actively removing items of your clothing in order to be able to have sex with you - this does not normally happen with this condition.
If he is not conscious, he does not know who exactly is sleeping next to him, so for him to state that it’s triggered by sleeping next to you specifically is either a dangerous assumption or a lie.
He stopped doing this for a while after “long discussions” about how it made you feel and counselling (I’m guessing couples counselling?), but no other interventions were required to address it - this does not track with genuine sexsomnia.

If he hasn’t been officially diagnosed you don’t know that this is actually what’s happening with him. I understand how upsetting it must be for you to contemplate the idea that your husband is raping you - but he is, regardless of whether he’s conscious or not.

If he’s unconscious when he does this, he should now be doing everything in his power to make sure he never rapes you again. Your feelings about having been woken up to him raping you should be his absolute priority, and if he felt any remorse at all he would be sleeping on the sofa for the foreseeable, because he wouldn’t want to risk harming you like that again. If he won’t speak to his GP, I think you should speak to yours. It might benefit you to get a professional opinion from an objective source on this, and it would be sensible to have these sexual assaults recorded in case you need to access support for them in future.

Wellifyouresurebetterbegryffindor · 30/11/2025 10:11

It baffles me why women defend these rapey men.

If he genuinely can't control it HE should be taking steps to protect you by sleeping elsewhere until he can sort himself out. Is he doing that? No. He's continuing to put you at risk.

LunchtimeNaps · 30/11/2025 10:12

This happened to me once with an ex boyfriend years ago. He was clearly dreaming. He thought I was someone else but had sex with me the whole time whilst living out his dream. We had no issues and had a very active sex life so he didn't need to "pretend". The next morning he had no idea what had happened and didn't even remember dreaming.

l forget what the dream was about but he was answering me when I asked him who he was etc. It was in a different era from memory and I was his bosses wife or something. Clearly wasn't real becuase his boss was younger than him and single.

TwooooDoooozenRoses · 30/11/2025 10:13

MissDoubleU · 30/11/2025 10:02

Let’s say he does genuinely have it - he should be doing everything in his power to sort this out. He should be utterly ashamed and grovelling forgiveness for raping you. He isnt. You say he doesn’t seem arsed that it’s happened. Of course he doesn’t, because he gets what he wants. He isn’t considering you at all. He needs made aware that this absolutely is rape.

At the very least he needs to voluntarily make his GP aware that this is a thing that happens. This is the least you deserve in terms of protection. If one night he gets more forceful or aggressive, what then? What if you try and talk about what he’s doing and he suddenly denies it all. Says this has never happened, you’re a liar. Because he knows deep down this is rape and he is hurting you. What he’s doing is wrong, even if it is rare. He should be trying to protect you himself. Why isn’t he??

He is forcing you to have sex you have expressly said you do not want. Even if he is asleep, you are being raped. That is your reality.

This!! You said everything I wanted to in a very articulate manner.
His attitude after the event really would be the deal breaker for me. Personally if I knew I had a medical (psychological?) condition that caused me to, ultimately, rape my partner in my sleep, there’s not a chance I’d be sleeping next to them until I could get professional medical help and I’d be grovellingly sorry.
I am not quite sure I believe it’s genuine on his part op, hard though that may be to hear. I’m not saying sexsomnia doesn’t exist… but I’m not convinced it isn’t just a convenient excuse for your husband.

Wreckinball · 30/11/2025 10:13

He goes in a separate room or one of you wears something like a lyrcra all in one cycle suit to sleep in so he can’t get it out easily or can’t get at you without somone being conscious

frockandcrocs · 30/11/2025 10:15

Whether or not it is real is beside the point, he is still raping you.

He knows about it and has seemingly not taken any precautions to prevent it from happening. And not got an official diagnosis, so frankly his whole story is probably bullshit.

Youre a fool if you don’t demand he get a diagnosis and/or contact the police.

Imagine if your child was in the bed.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 30/11/2025 10:20

Well, I’ve heard it all now

why are some women like this? Why are you bending over backwards to explain a man who is raping you, but doesnt want to seem like a bad guy?

What is the unrelated issue that is causing problems?

girl, stand up and leave this man, he is weird. You have a weirdo for a husband and deserve better

Comedycook · 30/11/2025 10:21

This is horrendous to read. So sinister....I hope you are able to get away from this man.

Teenyweenymeee · 30/11/2025 10:24

OP He sleeps on sofa from now on.

Or lives elsewhere. End of

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 30/11/2025 10:25

Tell the fucking pig to sleep elsewhere until he has sought treatment for his problem.

its not ok, don’t let him continue doing this.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 30/11/2025 10:25

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 09:50

I feel like this thread has derailed by people trying to convince me isn't real. As I said before, I'm not debating if sexomnia is genuine or not. I have experienced my dp doing this and I do believe it's plausible he is asleep.

This isn't the first time it has happened, throughout our time together I have questioned what if it was someone else, you don't do it then? But I think it's a psychological thing as stated that sexomnia gets triggered sleeping next to your partner. So he knows when he is beside me and it usually happens if I were bed shorts or just underwear, something easy to remove.

He already sleep talks. A lot. He sits up in his sleep, looks around, scratches his head, talks, laughs. Dp has always been very restless in his sleep.

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

And to answer the question, no dp has not been officially diagnosed. I decided for the first time to look up if others had shared this experience and didn't expect to see that it had a medical name and diagnosis.

Also to the person who says I won't come back..... I was up till 3 am with a baby and only just finished with the morning routine with the kids. Very weird thing to persist with on a thread that is meant for support. Shame on you.

Glad you're doing okay this morning, @Smoggle123. Now you know the risk still exists, you should demand that your DP seeks proper medical treatment and get a formal diagnosis. He also needs to acknowledge the serious damage he will be doing to your relationship if he doesn't. He's aware you needed counselling to recover last time – really he should be mortified it's happened again and the fact he's more upset for himself is very telling. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions but he really, really should.

CantBreathe90 · 30/11/2025 10:26

Can he not have a wank before bed, so he's not so "frustrated"? And wear a onesie / sleep on the sofa? Even if this is a real thing, he should want to do everything he can, to not do it!! If I was accidentally raping people, I wouldn't just be like "oh well never mind" and not do anything about it!!

Could you also go on the pill / implant? The unwanted pregnancy risk is also really serious.

Annielou67 · 30/11/2025 10:27

I’m so sorry OP. You are being raped. Whether he is conscious or not, does not change the fact that you are having sex without consent.
I very strongly feel that you are being gaslit as well , into believing that he is powerless. I suggest that he is not going to go to a dr. because he is lying and he will be found out.
Personally I would say leave immediately, or chuck him out and potentially report him, although I think you are not at that stage yet. If you must carry on, get him to wear a sleep watch/ monitor, wear a onesie (as someone rightly said) and tip a cup of water in his face if he makes a move. However - I’m really sorry to say this - you are living with an abuser - there is no scenario where this ends well.

PatThePenguin · 30/11/2025 10:27

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

You actually had counselling but you've only just Googled and realised sexomnia is 'real'?

Did the counsellor not know anything about it?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/11/2025 10:31

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 09:50

I feel like this thread has derailed by people trying to convince me isn't real. As I said before, I'm not debating if sexomnia is genuine or not. I have experienced my dp doing this and I do believe it's plausible he is asleep.

This isn't the first time it has happened, throughout our time together I have questioned what if it was someone else, you don't do it then? But I think it's a psychological thing as stated that sexomnia gets triggered sleeping next to your partner. So he knows when he is beside me and it usually happens if I were bed shorts or just underwear, something easy to remove.

He already sleep talks. A lot. He sits up in his sleep, looks around, scratches his head, talks, laughs. Dp has always been very restless in his sleep.

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

And to answer the question, no dp has not been officially diagnosed. I decided for the first time to look up if others had shared this experience and didn't expect to see that it had a medical name and diagnosis.

Also to the person who says I won't come back..... I was up till 3 am with a baby and only just finished with the morning routine with the kids. Very weird thing to persist with on a thread that is meant for support. Shame on you.

you are excusing your rapist through trauma and exhaustion. Go to your GP tomorrow and explain everything. It only happens when you are wearing little in bed. It only happens when he has been going on at you in the day about being sexually frustrated. Speak to your GP about the possibility of pregnancy too and why you didnt push him off you. Or punch him. If you aren't afraid and didnt shut down why did you do nothing? And as uouve read o the thread, other men have used it as an excuse to rape other people. You firmly believe this is real so what happens to you when he rapes someone else, or your child?

Misanthropologie · 30/11/2025 10:33

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:12

@OverlyFragrant we just don't have the room for that. It's so hard to prove/debunk as I am always asleep and abruptly woken up mid way with him having sex with me. He doesn't usually "come to" until the end, by then he is confused as to what has happened (but never complains about it happening)

You won't need separate rooms if you kick the raping bastard out. If you don't want to make a formal complaint to the police, you could talk to a solicitor about a non-molestation order.

MsCactus · 30/11/2025 10:35

My DP had this - wearing clothes did the trick. It still happens if we sleep naked. With clothes - I wake up with him fondling me and then wake him up and he's usually mortified/has no idea.

I have a higher sex drive than DP so I actually used to not mind when this happened - he was fully asleep because he used to wake up through intercourse and think I'd started it when he'd woken me up trying to pull my clothes off!

But yes, clothes stops it - particularly something like a onesie, someone asleep isn't able to get into that. You need to stop it because we also didn't use protection because half asleep, Vs when having sex awake we'd never not use protection. It is a genuine thing - but separate rooms or clothes will stop it OP.

IAmKerplunk · 30/11/2025 10:35

Why isn’t he sleeping on the sofa away from you? How has he got on contacting his GP or any other hcp or agency that can help him stop assaulting you in his sleep ?

lolly427 · 30/11/2025 10:36

I don't know why some people are so adamant this couldn't possibly be true - people sleep walk, have night terrors and do all sorts of bizarre stuff in their sleep at times.

I've seen people write a few times on this site before that their husband has this and you just have to google it to see it's real thing that can happen, normally during periods of REM sleep. They've seen it happening in sleep clinics and it's classed as a sleep disorder so I don't know why people think it doesn't exist.

No one can control what they do in their sleep, so calling him a rapist is just horrible. At the same time this is horrible for the OP and something needs to change - if you don't feel you can manage alone and don't have anywhere else he can sleep then could you wear a onesie as someone suggested OP and maybe get some bolster pillows to put between you. Will he see a doctor? The morning after pill would have been a good idea but it's probably too late now so unfortunately you've got an anxious wait.

Poppinjay · 30/11/2025 10:37

Whether he was awake or not, this is still rape and it has to stop.

What is he doing to make sure he never rapes you again?

The first thing should be that he is sleeping in a different place. If he would do this to prevent someone else from raping you, he can find a way to do it to stop him from raping you.

If he doesn't want to stop himself enough to sleep in a different place, he doesn't care about your feelings and that throws doubt on his self-diagnosis.

You deserve better than this.

IAmKerplunk · 30/11/2025 10:38

MsCactus · 30/11/2025 10:35

My DP had this - wearing clothes did the trick. It still happens if we sleep naked. With clothes - I wake up with him fondling me and then wake him up and he's usually mortified/has no idea.

I have a higher sex drive than DP so I actually used to not mind when this happened - he was fully asleep because he used to wake up through intercourse and think I'd started it when he'd woken me up trying to pull my clothes off!

But yes, clothes stops it - particularly something like a onesie, someone asleep isn't able to get into that. You need to stop it because we also didn't use protection because half asleep, Vs when having sex awake we'd never not use protection. It is a genuine thing - but separate rooms or clothes will stop it OP.

Op shouldn’t have to wear a onesie to stop her dp! The onus is on the dp to stop his behaviour ffs 🤦🏽‍♀️

YourLoyalPlumOP · 30/11/2025 10:38

Smoggle123 · 30/11/2025 01:08

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

I’ve known someone with it. However they had extensive therapy and worked with someone.

it’s rare though and his partner would wake up and he would stop.

tends to happen more with stress and tiredness