(((( TW SA ))) Dp has sexomnia

[Smoggle123]

Me and dp have been together nearly a decade, have kids. At the moment we are going through a rough patch due to an unrelated matter. I'm also pp with dbaby. During the past week I've made it clear to dp we aren't on good terms to be intimate and also reminded him physically I am not ready since I'm still feeling fragile being pp.

In the past dp has claimed to have sex with me and be totally unconscious from start till finish. This means he has no recollection or control over it. We have struggled with this before but it rarely happens, usually it occurs only if we go through a dry spell or rough patch.

The other night we were asleep and dp had sex with me, again unconsciously. Because of this he didn't use protection. Now, not only am I stressed about the potential risk of pregnancy whilst already having a baby, I am also feeling violated. During the week dp kept having "episodes" of being too handsy with me at night and I reminded him I'm not in the mood to do stuff with him whilst we are working on our relationship. He said he understood but obviously because this all goes down in his sleep he can't be blamed right?!

So where does this leave me?? I'm feeling so hurt, disrespected and violated. Dp was clearly very sexually frustrated as he kept telling me so, and whether it was conscious or not HE still did this. Not only that but he also finished inside me and is gambling my recovering body with pregnancy again, even if he didn't make the conscious decision or mean to do so.

I didn't even know this was a thing until I decided to look up if anyone else had experience this with their partners and saw it is a real thing.

So yes it isn't him just being a shitty person and trying to excuse it with a lie however it doesn't take away from how upset I am by it all.

I just don't know where to go from here...

Absolutely this.

So at @Smoggle123 say he does have it whst is he doing to stop it happening rather than just feel sorry for himself? There are plenty of things he could do including seeking medical help because after all if he has it it is nothing to be ashamed of.

so other than feeling sorry for himself whst is he doing?

If I was a man, and this was happening to me, I would 100% be sleeping on the sofa and working with my GP to get this sorted!! I would never risk violating my partner and therefore wouldn't sleep next to her in case it happened....(if it is real). He is being selfish beyond all levels of selfish.

Your husband has repeatedly raped you, because that’s what that is, and he feels sorry for HIMSELF.

Please darling, get away from this man, you cannot be subjected to this.

The awful truth is it is more likely that you are being raped than he has this condition. If my husband genuinely had this condition I know he’d lock himself away and see a doctor to prevent any risk of non consensual sex. The fact that your husband seems to think “oops, can’t help it” whilst there is also the lack of intimacy issue at play is gravely concerning x

But here you are telling me to shut up about the fact that this sounds deeply suspicious on the basis that the original poster has not come back
And posted at 1:30 in the morning at the weekend
If we all wanted to have a general conversation about this, I’m sure we would.
That’s all I’m saying

Have you taken the morning after pill OP? I'm really sorry this has happened to you. My DH will get on top of me in the night if he's really sexually frustrated and I think when he's extra tired/stressed. It's absolutely in his sleep but I wake up and push him back to his side and he stops and keeps sleeping it only happe very rarely ans hadn't for ages. So I do believe it's a real thing. However he's horrified about it and feels so bad, your DH should definitely seek support for it and he should be seriously beating himself up

I feel like this thread has derailed by people trying to convince me isn't real. As I said before, I'm not debating if sexomnia is genuine or not. I have experienced my dp doing this and I do believe it's plausible he is asleep.

This isn't the first time it has happened, throughout our time together I have questioned what if it was someone else, you don't do it then? But I think it's a psychological thing as stated that sexomnia gets triggered sleeping next to your partner. So he knows when he is beside me and it usually happens if I were bed shorts or just underwear, something easy to remove.

He already sleep talks. A lot. He sits up in his sleep, looks around, scratches his head, talks, laughs. Dp has always been very restless in his sleep.

As to why doesn't he sleep in separate room ect. This very rarely happens. The last time I did was years and years ago. After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again. I honestly thought it was a phase he had gotten over, I didn't realise the risk was still there.

And to answer the question, no dp has not been officially diagnosed. I decided for the first time to look up if others had shared this experience and didn't expect to see that it had a medical name and diagnosis.

Also to the person who says I won't come back..... I was up till 3 am with a baby and only just finished with the morning routine with the kids. Very weird thing to persist with on a thread that is meant for support. Shame on you.

Sexomnia? Utter rubbish, he’s molesting and taking you.

if he does have it then he needs to see a dr pronto because continuing to live with a medical condition that causes him to rape his wife is not normal!

He is a liar and a perv. No such thing exists. All those 'I don't know/I don't remember what I was doing' are exuberant lies - strange how those arseholes don't throw themselves off a bridge, not knowing/not remembering or cut their sleepwalk into a running train. Whom does he take you for, to try those lies?

He “realised how bad it made you feel” and “is feeling sorry for himself” That sentence says it all, so far as I’m concerned.

I understand you feel trapped because you’ve just had his child, but this situation isn’t OK.

If you continue to stay, it’s perfectly reasonable to scream/ slap/ punch/ bite as soon as you are conscious that sex is taking place without your consent. Any reasonable partner would want to be stopped if they were ‘accidentally’ raping their partner.

ETA I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is NOT your fault and going into self-preservation mode doesn’t make you complicit. Please take care x

Wear pyjamas and insist on him getting some support from GP as sexomnia on his side it might be. But it’s rape in your side.

So is counselling the treatment he tried with some success before? I think the conversation has to be - you need to revisit counselling to stop doing this.

Or is there another treatment that you have read about he could try,?

It seems he accepts it's a condition, it's not ok and in the past he has sought help. So why doesn't he just do this now?

There were times I woke up with my ex partner having sex with me. I was young, naive and inexperienced, to think there was anything wrong with it. I'm much older now, and I recognise what it is - sex without consent = rape. If you're asleep, you aren't consenting to sex. I'm going to guess that your husband has 'self-diagnosed' because then he can justify his utterly shitty behaviour. If he thinks he has sexomnia then he needs to see his GP. In fact you need to insist he makes an appointment to see the Doctor and tell him you'll come with him. He'll back peddle and say he doesn't need to see a Doctor, and he'll try to control it blah blah blah. You will then know, that he's lying through his teeth and is very much aware what he's doing. It's very convenient to blame a condition, that he's never been diagnosed with. I left my ex (he was cheating on me) and I've been happily married for 17 years and been with my husband 19 years. However, to this day, I never sleep naked, always with knickers on. Start wearing knickers and pyjama bottoms to bed. In all honesty you need to leave your husband, but that's easier said than done. Make no mistake though, your husband knows what he's doing - he wants sex and is going to have it regardless.

"After long discussions about how it made me feel and counselling, he never did it again."
This to me says that it's not actually sexsomnia, but rather is something he's actually choosing to do.

But regardless of whether he's genuine or not, OP, you need to tell him you feel endangered and violated and that you will not tolerate that behaviour, so he needs to make sure it doesn't happen again, whatever that entails. It's really that simple.

Good grief. What an awful way to be treated. He is completely aware and able to stop himself raping you.

OP, if you found out that you had violated, in the worst way, someone you loved very, very much, what would you do? Would you take steps to prevent it never, ever happening again? What if the steps didn't even mean moving out but were easy, like wearing a onesie to bed?

He can sleep on the sofa in the front room or get a blow up bed in there

I think if he starts down the road to diagnosis there will be suggestions to keep both of you safe. If it’s triggered by sleep deprivation and being next to you, does it make sense for him to take the sofa? At least until you compare it with medical advice.

I’ve had partners who got handsy in their sleep which seems more common, and it was really jarring lying there awake while they slept after pushing them off, or to shake them awake and they were really out of it. I did try more iron clad pyjamas with the one and it kept their hands to somewhere I was okay with.

also check with the pharmacist for morning after pill.

I dont know about sexomnia and I second a swift hit in the balls if it happens again,. Also am disgusted that he is not more apologetic/mortified by this behaviour. However, if he is very restless at night it is worth investigating further with his GP. Has he lost his sense of smell? Very disturbed REM sleep without physical paralysis (you said he sits up and talks) can be an early indicator for some rare and slow progressing illnesses, I know this from my experiences. Another indicator was the loss of sense of smell (anosmia).

Let’s say he does genuinely have it - he should be doing everything in his power to sort this out. He should be utterly ashamed and grovelling forgiveness for raping you. He isnt. You say he doesn’t seem arsed that it’s happened. Of course he doesn’t, because he gets what he wants. He isn’t considering you at all. He needs made aware that this absolutely is rape.

At the very least he needs to voluntarily make his GP aware that this is a thing that happens. This is the least you deserve in terms of protection. If one night he gets more forceful or aggressive, what then? What if you try and talk about what he’s doing and he suddenly denies it all. Says this has never happened, you’re a liar. Because he knows deep down this is rape and he is hurting you. What he’s doing is wrong, even if it is rare. He should be trying to protect you himself. Why isn’t he??

He is forcing you to have sex you have expressly said you do not want. Even if he is asleep, you are being raped. That is your reality.

Perhaps an inflatable doll as well to treat these strange 'sleep issues'

So he’s only been diagnosed by Dr Google? Why on earth hasn’t he been to the GP!
if your daughter said this was happening to her by her partner, what would you say? I have no idea why you’re allowing this.