Blindsided by DH telling me tonight he’s had enough of our marriage

[Jack32]

It was a normal Friday night tonight, got the baby and toddler asleep at 7, DH went out to pick up our take away and we watched our Netflix series. I asked him what’s the plan this weekend, I checked the weather app and mentioned how I’d be going for my jog first thing if the rain stayed away, around 8am. It’s a new thing I’ve taken up since the baby so keep fit. I normally get up at 6am with the kids, take them downstairs, feed them, wash, dress them while DH stays in bed. He comes downstairs to take care of them while I’m out for an hour jogging. I like to get it done early so we can spend the day together. Tonight he completely snapped at me when I said about my jog. He said he dreads the weekend with me, hates the weekend, is fed up of this marriage. I was blind sighted, I reached to grab his hand and asked if he was OK and he snatched his hand back so coldly. He said just leave me alone. I was so shocked, I’ve gone upstairs to bed and I feel sick. What should I do or say ?!

I wouldn't go all LTB, but would insist on having a proper civil conversation at a time when you won't be disturbed by the DC. Ask him if he wants to work on this marriage, and if so what practical steps you can both take. This stage of life is hard on marriages. It just is. Yes he acted like an arse and yes he needs to pull his weight as a father, but maybe both of you need to find space to be something other than parents together occasionally at evenings and weekends. And maybe that space would look different to him than it does to you? Obviously this assumes he actually wants to work on the marriage - that's the question you need a straight answer to! He doesn't get to strop and then clam up. But I think that with two small DC involved you should take a deep breath and see if its possible to work through this. Its easy to yell LTB!!!! at strangers on the internet when its not your life on the line, and I say this as someone who did LTB.

She should be focused on her family she has a baby and toddler. The baby she is married to didn’t suggest what he could do. Seriously I despair of people that expect so little of their husbands after we have birthed and are rearing their children, this man has a lie in and then does an hour on his own whilst she has a run. What the hell is he bringing to family life?

Well, if op goes out for a run a bit later, that better suits husband too, she'd get her time to herself and maybe a coffee and bacon roll in a cafe afterwards. On her own!

Words hurt tho dont they you cant forget them

Maybe you are not reading my post in the way it was intended . They need to sit down and he needs to tell her exactly what he means by that , Was he tired ? , Is he feeling left out because of baby ? Is he just a bastard ? Has he met someone else ?
That's the 100% truthful bit . AND , then depending on what he says . . . . .
That's my post !

There were at least a couple of times where this baby/toddler stage of parenting nearly broke my relationship. My husband was absolutely not having an affair (he is disabled and rarely left the house, even less rarely without me) but he definitely said things more or less along these lines and I thought things like that I might have ruined my life/made the wrong choices.

It’s just a really hard time and usually couples haven’t communicated beforehand about expectations - and even if they have, the reality of doing it is almost always harder than you both expected.

So you do need to keep regularly checking in, try and keep communication open and non-accusatory and figure out new ways of coping together. It also was like this for me with my DH where he suddenly expressed these feelings after seeming fine - I think it’s the particular moment of not feeling able to cope makes them snap out, and they remember the other moments where they’ve felt the same (but maybe not said at the time).

Tell him to buck his fucking ideas up or in short order he will find himself solo parenting 48 hours straight every other weekend.

Just to be clear I agree I just mean he's a prat cause the attention isnt on him and

Are you being serious?” Why can’t you take the kids with you and have a walk instead of a run?”

Because this is the one hour that she gets per week of child free time. 1 bloody hour - and if she chooses to spend it running, hopping or pogo sticking she can!

” Let the poor man get some rest from his job” - where does the OP get rest? I’m frankly sickened by your post.

Yes, he’s making it OPs fault. She’s ‘driving him away’. Arse hole.

Christ, there some misogynistic comments on here. Unbelievable. Being dad to two young kids is hard?? Infantilising immature men. He’s a twat.

i think it’s a wind up. Ignore.

I wonder how many men get up and do exactly this or go to the gym, or go on a bike ride clad in lycra? Many I imagine.

The OP wanting to go for a run is not the issue but her "D" H's reaction to it is

Men his age who are dads probably grew up in a gender stereotypical household and so he has an expectation for his life to be like that.
He needs to understand that that way of life is not Ok, that parenting should be shared & that even if the OP is at home with the kids she is entitled to time away from them too.

Hopefully then his own children will have a different view & different expectations & in the future won't get upset if their partner wants to go for a run on one morning of the weekend.

This opens up an opportunity to talk together about what’s working and not working for each of you, in your marriage , & what can change in terms of habits & the support you offer each other. It’s entirely normal to feel fed up and bored when children are very young. It’s a challenging time & the way to deal with this is to talk and by being flexible.

Please ignore posters telling you he’s an unreasonable pig or having an affair and that you need to be immediately photocopying the bank statements etc. This is just what life with kids is like, it’s perfectly normal, and you need to talk like caring adults, not ‘get your ducks in a row’ for separation.

Honestly I wonder if some of the more extreme posters on this site actually have children- they seem to have no idea what family life & long term relationships are actually like.

He just seemed completely fine all evening, we laughed and joked as normal.

Clearly he isn’t fine, just been doing a good job of trying to continue with everyday life.

He at the very least owes you an explanation as to why he hates spending weekends with you

Not something the men hating on MN would agree with but not all men are having affairs, there are times when men can also feel depressed, snowed under or have concerns about something.

Poor wee men ever having to do anything in their own house with their own children without their wife to hold their hand every minute of it😫

It’s perfectly normal to say “can you please stay with the children until I get up and then go for your run?” or “let's look into doing some different things on the weekends; it’s getting a bit dull” or “I’m not in the mood to chat right now, I need some time along but we can talk later." It is NOT perfectly normal to say “I dread the weekend with you! I’m fed up with this marriage!” in the middle of a casual chat, followed by “leave me alone!” when your partner’s shocked and confused that you’ve basically just proposed divorce when they thought the relationship was basically strong and mutually satisfying.

I don’t think this guy’s having an affair or that splitting up is inevitable, but he’s thrown a verbal bomb with no context or explanation and he still hasn’t even apologised. Let’s stop normalising bad behaviour; men aren’t incapable of understanding and respecting that their partners also have feelings.

Trouble is, Ninday never comes.

😄

I would say to him he can look after the children while you decide what to do. If he is seeing someone else they will be annoyed he has to look after his children. Tell him you will take a few days to decide what to do.

He's training you not to expect anything from him.

Anyone who doesn't agree with this has either been brainwashed by their own DH or needs a bloody reality check.

It is absolutely NOT perfectly normal to say the things he said.

It IS perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and stressed.

He is an adult. He needs to use his bloody words.

Is monstering a thing? And who is Chump Lady?

Not a single poster has said she needs to ask permission. What some of us have asked is whether she discussed their new Saturday morning routine or if it was just presented to him as happening. The distinction matters.

I wouldn't want to be in a marriage with someone decided my schedule without a discussion first.