Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

I hate the term "just" friends, as if a friend is lower than a romantic partner. They're just different forms of love. All my friendships and several are with men, from university days, are out in the open.

He doesn’t want her involved, so that’s never going to happen. What questions OP might ask of the OW. He may well have lied to OW which will become obvious to OW when she meets OP. If he’s shagging OW it will be obvious to OP He doesn’t want to lose the moral high ground. And it’s lose lose for him.

And as we all know if our friendship is worth ending a marriage over, it’s not a friendship.

Sighing & walking out of room , removing himself out of situation cause the conversation is making him feel uncomfortable.
He did that because he knows deep down what he is doing is wrong no matter what he tells himself ..
I’m sorry you’re going through this shit OP 😔..

I know you may find this impossible to do , but don’t be there when he gets home .
Leave him a letter & explain how you just can’t do this anymore.
It may be the eye opener that he needs , you see talking isn’t doing any good.
If it is just a friendship like he maintains he will not think twice about ending it now so he won’t lose his wife .
There will be many work colleagues but he only has one wife .
I hope things work out & he sees sense , I know you love him x

I 'm sorry I don't understand your point.

OP and her H are more than " romantic partners ". They are married. They took vows to each other.
The institution of marriage, or at least a monogamous marriage which I assume OP's is, is based on the concept that when you have taken these vows your spouse becomes your life partner and your relationship with them takes precedence in your life.
Of course your spouse should be more important to you than your friends. And if people aren't prepared to accept that then quite frankly they shouldn't marry.

I’ll come at this from the perspective of your DH, because this was me unfortunately last year. I work primarily with men. Most of my male colleagues are just not my type in any way. Whilst I’d say we’re ’close’ to a degree as in we’d gladly go for a drink together, talk for hours, swap books etc, there’s never been any remote sense of it going anywhere, except with one.

He’s the real classic tall, dark and handsome but I didn’t want to see him in that light at all and tried to resist it for months. We’re both married with kids to add to the complications. I don’t think I’d have fallen for him if it wasn’t obvious he felt the same way back. We acted as I would with other male colleagues going for drinks, talking for hours except it was clear quite quickly we were developing feelings. I really tried hard to fight it but I felt completely magnetised towards him. Eventually it came to a head and we admitted it. Nothing happened physically, as I say we’re both married with kids.

He then, thankfully I guess, got a new post in his home country. Not related to me in any way, there’s been a lot of redundancies in my sector and he wanted something more secure plus wanted to be near his ailing Dad. I missed him so badly, I cried for what seemed like forever when he said he was leaving. We met one last time and had a really lovely time but both admitted we were kind of like star crossed lovers and it couldn’t develop.

I didn’t want to tell my DH because I knew it would break him. He sensed something was wrong because I was drinking too much red wine which I only do when sad. I shrugged it off for ages but he knew. He looked through my phone and found something so it all came out in the open. I was totally mortified and felt so very guilty. We had to have counselling and I’d say we’ve mostly moved past it now although he likes to bring it up occasionally when he wants to have a dig at me…

What I will say is I still think of the other man most days. I know it’s shameful, I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been with my DH for so long and do love him but I guess the other guy represents something a bit ‘exciting’. I can rationalise and see that if we did get together, that excitement wouldn’t last long and I know he’ll have faults like anyone. I’m a shitty human, I don’t know what else to say.

It does sound like your DH has fallen for her, especially since she’s his usual type. The worst thing about this is he’s already choosing her over you when he defensively said you should leave if you can’t accept their ‘friendship’. You need to have a frank discussion with him and get it all out there. It will be hurtful but it’s for the best. If he wants to work on your marriage, he’ll have to move away from her- it’s the only way. Good luck and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

The OP hasn't asked to meet OW. At least if she has, I've missed that information

Of course DH doesn't want OP to meet his (he hopes) next partner/wife.

My point is that the OP is doing nothing and her life is being lived for her

She needs to move the energy in this horrible situation

There are 2 ways to do that

End the marriage

Insist on meeting OW. DH can have no real argument as to why OP should not meet his "friend"

If he says no, the marriage is over

If he says yes the OP will know after a couple of meets what's what

I agree OP needs to take action but trying to meet OW will not get her anywhere.

In your situation if he would have made a move on you, would you have got intimate? I don’t ask because I want to judge, just I’ve been in this situation but it was my ex and his colleague, he told me nothing happened and I don’t know if he would ever admit it, he now says she flirted but he ‘didn’t see it like that’. I’m glad you’ve managed to patch things up with your husband. Mine ran and refused counselling. I’ve never heard it from the ‘ow’ POV.

Thank you for sharing this and for being so honest. It helps to see it from (possibly) his perspective. I do think that this may be the case. She is more interesting, they can share stuff about work, have a laugh about it. I get it - she’s more fun. Comes home to me, asks me about my day but doesn’t really listen. Spends the evening on his phone, maybe to her, who knows.
I think she’s a younger version of me before life got a bit dull and middle aged and that’s how he relates to her. She’s his escape but he doesn’t know what to do, essentially he is a caring person and knows what it would do to me and the family.
I’m so stuck, I do love him but god, do I envy people whose partners make them feel they are the most important person in their world.

Agree with @MrsPrendergast
OP you've got to do something otherwise you will continue spiralling I'm sorry to say.
"Involving" yourself with the friendship and asking him to invite her over is a great plan. Dont think of it like you have to actually face her, because you wont - I really dont believe he'll agree to that but either way you will have another evidence then. If he says No, watch him squirm to come up with a reason as to why not. Uf he easily says yes, then the ball is still in your court- you can choose to cancel, invite a friend of your own too (so you've got someone there for you) or just bite tour tongue and see how natural or unnatural their "just friends" vibe seems. All under the guise of you want your marriage to be back to normal.
Or you can try/demand to look through his phone, bet his response will be the same. Or hire a PI.

I'd distance myself from him for a bit, just do your thing, see your friends, treat yourself, maybe go away for a weekend somewhere you've always wanted to go to. Take your life into your own hands and be selfish a little. You deserve more than being sorrowfully waiting for him and hoping for any breadcrumbs from him.

I’ve already asked to look through his phone and he showed me. He deletes most messages from anyone so there was nothing to see. I don’t think it’s over messages or calls, they sometimes play an online video game and they message through that occasionally but it’s really that he just spends so much time with her during the day.

I haven’t read the full thread so apologies if this perspective has been covered…looking at it from another angle, I have a really close male friend (hobby related rather than work) there are absolutely zero romantic feelings on either side (we both have partners and young kids) but we get on so well and he’s really easy company. My OH is not interested in our hobby and therefore he’s not really his friend but they’ve met and there’s no issues there. I’ve also met friends wife and although she’s lovely, we don’t have very much in common so we’re not friends as such but no issues.

I have to say, if my OH did have a problem with this, I’d be very very reluctant to end the friendship because this is one of my best friends and there’s literally nothing wrong with it…it would probably get my back up and feel like OH was being a bit controlling/isolating if he wanted me not to be friends with this guy.
That being said, only you know why your gut is telling you that something is off. I just wanted to put another perspective from the overwhelming response of LTB

Thank you, it actually is really helpful to hear all views because I’m at a loss to understand the man I married sometimes.

I get what you mean and he does have several good women friends as I have some good male friends but I would always consider his wellbeing above everything else. I suppose the crux of it is he saw how upset and worried about this particular person I was becoming and was very cold to me about it. As though he was annoyed I was getting in the way of something. He then pretty much said she is important too and I need to be okay with that. Maybe he and I are actually very different because I don’t know anyone else other than my immediate family that I would be okay to lose for just a ‘friend’.

I'm not justifying anything the OP's awful husband is doing. My point was more general, that honesty and openness are important. For example I wouldn't be prepared to dump a long-standing friend from university days because a boyfriend said so. I fully realise this situation is not that.

Oh lovely, it’s perfectly natural to want your life back as you knew it, it’s the life you want to live and you want him to want that too, it’s called a relationship.
A healthy committed relationship is where you both want what is best for each other and you put each other first. You thrive, you truly live and become your best self.
In an unhealthy relationship you do not thrive, you try to survive, you don’t live, you exist. You become a shadow of your best self and with time will not thrive, you will become ill. Within a healthy relationship you feel loved, seen, heard, supported, defended, protected and most important of all for your mental health : safe.
At present, very understandably, your stress levels must be sky high and your self-esteem at an all-time low. You do not have emotional and relational safety and this will make you ill, OP. The way he is treating you is making you ill.
Firstly, stop using this as a stick to beat yourself with. Stop painting her as a sparkly character from Sex in the City and you as somebody from below stairs on Downton Abby. She is nothing special, or magical or better than you. She’s just different. She doesn’t make him feel like a teenager again, her attention and flattery and desire to spend time with him do. She could be anybody, OP, absolutely anybody, if your husband is having issues within himself and she comes along and says what he wants to hear. The situation, the flattering attention , is what he’s unwilling to give up, because it’s his drug of choice to spice his middle-aged life up a bit. She could be anybody, trust me. He’s chasing an ego driven dopamine hit, not a person,These feelings get projected onto her as the facilitator, but it’s what she represents and what her attention does for him
that he doesn’t want to give up. He married you, he needs to remember that and stop chasing a fantasy flirtation when he’s got a wife and a marriage with whom he’s built a real life.
He’s not prepared to give up his drug because he thinks you’ll never force this, he thinks you’ll let it go if he threatens your marriage and scares you hard enough.
Time to do what you don’t want to and what you probably feel like you don’t have the strength to: get tough.
I‘m not saying leave him or throw him out, I can see it’s the last thing you want to do, whether he deserves it or not.
You need to tell him that if he wants a marriage and a life in the real world with you, then his little trips to Fantasy Island have to stop. Permanently. You will not tolerate inappropriate relationships with other women.
When you feel like you just can’t do this, can’t enforce that boundary, ask yourself this question:
Do I want to turn a blind eye, which means carry on living like this in agonising hell, or do I want a real marriage where I am loved and respected?
One thing is certain OP, you can’t go on like this, it’s going to damage your mental health (I can hear your negative self-talk in what you have written already) and erode your very soul. I’m so sorry, I can see that you’re hurting, I know that this is horrendous, absolutely horrendous and difficult to endure, but you need to save yourself now, which might also save your marriage.
When you are in the water drowning, your partner should be throwing you a lifeline, not rowing himself back to shore.

He's having his cake and eating it.
If your children are adults, file for divorce.

My goodness, this post is saying what I have been feeling for several months but have been constantly told is wrong. Thank you, at least this thread is making me feel a bit more understood.
I don’t think he sees it as inappropriate at all though. He sees my reaction to it as inappropriate. I wish he would be honest at least to himself because I really feel I am going a little bit mad and completely overreacting to what he insists is a normal friendship.

OP, I've read your posts and only some of the other comments. I think the issue with these things is that the friendship oversteps a line and because it's a woman, you have an added layer of insecurity.

but the reality is that while I love that DH has good friends and frankly, I wish he made more effort to see them in person vs mostly messaging etc, I would be very unhappy if he was so close with anyone that it directly impacted OUR relationship. So a work mate that you go for a beer with and have a bit of banter with - fine. A good friend you've got a dialogue going with and spend time together- fine. But, man or woman, someone who is at the front of mind ALL the time, constantly in communicaiton, spending more time with than anyone else... that would be a problem for me. And when it's a woman, it's worse becuase of course, the sense is that then it's ALSO a relationship and not just a friendship.

If the most important relationship in DH's life is with someone else - a male friend, his mother, his brother etc - then our relationship isn't going to work. Becuase having other people in our lives IS important, but it shouldn't come at the expense of the primary relationship with your partner.

I agree with Wookie, it's time to get tough, being understanding and sweet about it has got you no where and he is taking advantage of that.

If he has decided that this friendship ends when he says so then you will do nothing but make yourself ill, now what have you got to lose by rocking the boat, he's not listening and with each further conversation he is resenting you and creating a bigger void all to his advantage.

You will get to the end of your rope and explode and I think that is what you are being forced to do, to press the nuclear button. This nuclear button for him at the moment may seem very liberating but in reality it involves others arround you realising what a complete shit he has been. His bravado will say he's not bothered and no one else cares about your union but it does, especially in laws and children, factor in work colleagues, neighbours, friends, old friends that come out of the woodwork, gp's, scool friends, the local community, shopkeepers everybody really, and that ammounts to quite a bit of judgement for just a 'friend' that he won't give up, and it burns like wildfire.
Other people are not stupid, they realise when a friendship intrudes in a marriage to get to the point whereby there are ultimatums and rumours then you have a spouse that is not behaving as they should within a marriage.

I would start with going to your gp (female if possible) and explain the situation, they have heard it all before and the female ones are usually very supportive, he is making you ill, consider medication if you can take it.

He clearly doesn't want to show you the respect you deserve so you must regain your own self respect and that means begining to act like a single person again, just like he is behaving, you concentrate only on yourself and the children.

No sex, no cleaning, no cooking, no sorting his life admin, no involving him in your day, no discussing daily events, grey rock him. He doesn't deserve a home life, he deserves exposing for the disloyal piece of shit that he is.
And Christmas, plan it for yourself and your children, leave him off the Christmas card, and the visits/invitations, he's given you an awful year, no need to celebrate that.

I know you are trying to keep the cart on the wheels but the load is too much to bear now on your own, start seeking support.

Let's see how far he will go in his defiance.

OP, be strong! Tell him that if he doesn’t see that this “friendship” is disrespectful of you and your marriage and that if is he is not willing to put you above this woman, he can leave because you will not back down on this. And mean it!

You know the answer you are flogging a dead horse.

Op you cant control his behaviour or reactions but you can control your own .
Ask yourself do you want to keep feeling like this and going round in circles .
If not leave ,,it's going to hurt ,,you're going to keep wondering if you have it wrong and if you've left for nothing but ultimately your will be leaving because he's not prepared to end what he calls a friendship for his marriage,,home life and family , essentially you and your family should be his world it should be no contest .

OP, awful though it is, you have two choices now as he's made it clear he's going to continue doing what he wants. You either accept this situation as it is, with all the heartache and mental torture, or you walk away from it. Walking away may jolt him back to reality, or it may not, but staying and pleading for respect definitely won't.