Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

It really isn't confusing at all. Not at all.

But I've read all your posts now @Whereismymind12 and I can see that you WANT it to be confusing because understanding what we all understand and seeing what we all see, isn't possible for you. Because therein lies taking action ....and you can't take action

We create our own lives. If you can, try to get to a place where you can create your life. Try to get to a place where you can stop others creating your life for you

I wish you luck and send love ❤️

The only way you could believe him about this woman being like a male friendship, is if she were a lesbian and married herself.

My bet is on she is a straight woman.

He is asking you to lie to yourself about the nature of their relationship and their dynamic.

If he was serious about his marriage vows to you, he would drop this woman and block her or get a new job because his marriage comes first. Not his woman with a "male identity" friend.

I'd be asking to see his phone and laptop too.

You do not have to put up with it. If it upsets your peace, he must stop the friendship. I feel for you.x

Yes, absolutely agree.
Funny, peculiar not ha ha, when it's a younger woman though.

I don’t think he sees it as inappropriate at all though. He sees my reaction to it as inappropriate.

Of course he knows it's inappropriate. That's why he had the massive over reaction declaring if you don't like it the marriage is over. What a drama queen.

He knows what he is doing and he feels guilty but not enough to stop him doing it. Your reaction, questioning his feelings for this person, explaining how it was making you feel and asking for some changes was entirely appropriate.

His was way, way over the top.

He knows. He just doesn't care. You have to stop looking at this as something you can solve and start taking steps to extricate yourself from this threesome.

At the end of the day all you have to tell him is that you're not going to live like that. If he wants you he will take the necessary steps to get you back. If he doesn't, let him go. You are worth more than this head fuck of a life.

OP, you don't have to do anything right this moment regarding your husband if you don't want to or aren't ready. But it would be a good idea for you to consult a solicitor about your position from a legal and financial perspective. Knowledge is power. It may give you some internal strength to do SOMETHING in this situation.

Oh this is a good idea.
You're obviously trying to stay together, but this knowledge might be so helpful for you.

Noooooo!!! Don't let him be a cake eater. You don't want affection from a cheater!

This breaks my heart OP and I couldn't have worded it better myself. I don't feel like I can give proper advice at the moment, because I am a few months on from this but still very much going through it. Please, please lay down your boundaries. Lay. Them. Down. You do not have to accept his version of the truth. Your truth is everything. He should honour YOU.

There are some next level, expert, fierce women on this thread - please, please draw strength from them. I did, and I will never look back.

This 100% (sending love OP and fourandfive)
I have been through this this summer. It's still all raw for me. It really triggers me reading these kinds of posts but i like to help others on here and to support. and also to say about your intuition. Please listen to it. My gut instinct was absolutely spot on with a DH work colleague who was throwing herself at him and yep, he went along with it. He made a choice to get involved. After denying and gaslighting me for weeks, saying "she's just a friend and a bit full on" and being a moody prick, It all came out in July they had been having an emotional affair and exchanged photos. I will never ever doubt trust my intuition again. It absolutely broke me, not just because of what's gone on but the fact that I was right all along. I just couldn't believe it. Please get legal advice op and keep an eye on things. I know its awful for you to be in this position 😪 . But what fourandfive and everyone has said. Lay those boundaries down. And get some legal advice huge hugs and loves xx

Edited as double posted sorry

Thank you all, just reading these helps me realise I may possibly not be delusional.
where do you get the strength to leave though. Underneath I really do love him and we have shared so much together, I wish they knew the damage this is causing.
I feel very sad and can’t summon up the energy for anger.

Your anger will come op, there isn't any rush for it but I promise it will come.
You don't have to think of it as all or nothing, in fact the one day at a time approach still serves me today and we are doing well.
The best advice is to decide today what is acceptable to you and what isn't and hold fast to those boundaries. You don't have to make a decision to leave but you need to protect yourself, and that might mean separating for now, but that's on him not you.
Just keep taking care of yourself and doing things that make you happy- this stuff can be all consuming if you aren't actively looking for ways to make yourself smile each day x

Anger comes later.

Think of it like grief. You're in denial at the moment, then you work through the other emotions.

I was totally convinced I wouldn't feel anger, but I did eventually.

My love, sadly the marriage you thought you had isn't there any more. Things have shifted, and without your consent.

The only way to move forward is to lay down your boundaries now. If they are ignored, you will realise you have to move forward on your own.

You have to do this before you can think of repairing what he has broken. If you want to. I was bending. I refuse to bend any more. Life is too short.

All might not be lost, but my god the fucker has to fight for it with the same ferocity as you will. HUGS x

Also - let me be VERY clear here:

Please stop thinking you are being delusional.

IT IS HIM.

IT IS NOT YOU.

Can I clarify, how much time does your H spend with this woman? eg, ifyou're at home having dinner together, is he texting her? Or is he out for drinks with her every week/ Or calling her for hours on a Saturday?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Your husband has friend-zoned you. You're getting no affection or intimacy and he's giving his attention to another woman (hopefully not the intimacy though).

You still love with the man he showed you in the beginning. Be thankful for the memories you made, but learn that in relationships, it's not about how they start, it's about what they continuously show. Refuse to let the person he ONCE WAS be the reason you let yourself keep getting hurt by the person he has become.

No one will deny, it's bloody hard to leave, but the alternative is to stay with someone who disrespects you and expects you to play second fiddle to another woman. Fuck that. Get those ducks in a row and get out while you're young enough to live a fulfilling life away from him.

@Whereismymind12 please listen to @FourAndFive (hi there by the way FourandFive, hope you are ok X) because she knows what she is talking about sadly from personal experience.
The way this works is with DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) so he denies there is no problem with his attitude and behaviour, on the contrary, he accuses you of having an attitude problem and behaving unreasonably in asking him to give up his ‘friendship’ and bingo, he is now the victim and you are the offender.
If you are still pesky enough to stand your ground, he stonewalls with sighing abd leaving the room, thus avoiding a continuation of an argument he can’t win because he knows he’s wrong, with the added advantage of leaving you hurt, anxious and afraid.
These are classic manipulative, controlling actions which are designed to gaslight you away from the truth and preserve his self-image as not doing anything wrong in his eyes. It’s bollocks, he knows damned well he is.
The reducing of intimacy and affection can sometimes be a way of staying ‘loyal’ to the affair relationship and justifying the lies he’s telling himself about why he needs and deserves his fun.
Lack of intimacy and affection subconsciously backs up for him the “I’m not a player, not just a cheat, honestly, I’m a poor trapped unhappy man” narrative he feeds her and tops up his infidelity justifications and excuses bank: “I’m in a dead end marriage/ my wife takes me for granted/ doesn’t care any more/ doesn’t understand me like you do/ we don’t have sex any more therefore I deserve to be happy”
Time for you to choose you if he’s not going to. Think carefully about the boundary you want to set and the consequences of him not respecting that boundary. Then follow through. No compromises. Stay strong and follow through. This isn’t going to stop without a kick up the arse from you, sadly. You can do it OP, it’s time to take back your power in this situation and get yourself out of the one-down position. He thinks that with you anxious and cowed, he has nothing to lose so far. Show him he has. Mean it.

I bet if you went to an orgy you'd think it was simply marvellous how everyone was getting along.

This kind of stuff sounds worse than the actual affair, tbh.

Take it from one who was friend zoned early in the marriage... it stinks. I'm still with him but grieving big time and have for years. I wasn't like some of these strong women in this thread and I caved. No other woman tho... just passive don't care attitude of DP. It's not a life I would have envisaged for myself when I married.

You wouldn't treat a friend this way.

So he would rather you leave him than him reevaluate his friendship with someone that you’re not comfortable with for a very valid reason?
I don’t think your husband loves you enough

In every post you sound slightly more broken.

There is a bottom line here, it’s not complicated or confusing, he is prioritising HIS need for validation and ego kibbles over his relationship with you and he is expecting you to suck it up!

It’s not about her, it’s not about you vs her, it’s about HIM. It’s all about him. He is selfish and entitled. This relationship gives him a buzz and getting that buzz is more important to him than your peace of mind and safety.

You raising this is leading him to abusive behaviours, he is gaslighting you, minimising and DARVO’ing all over the place in his desperation to keep the status quo and retain what he wants.

This dynamic isn’t sustainable. He is leaving you in a position where you do not feel SAFE and this is where anxiety and hyper vigilance, will creep in. You’ll lose yourself.

I understand why you don’t want to leave, I really do, but you need to start prioritising you. You need to start to get some distance the surviving infidelity 180 is great for that. And you need to get your ducks in a row. You need to make sure you’re financially secure.

And I know I’ve mentioned this book (as have others) but please get a copy of not just friends by Shirley glass it will help you to see more clearly and stop you devaluing yourself!