Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

OP, you don’t have to do anything today, this week, this month or this year. There is no rush and nothing is going to drastically change in the short term.

So take your time and see how long you can live like this. Your DH is not going to give up this friendship. You are not going mad. He has demonstrated that there is someone in his life more important to him than your marriage. That is a truth that cannot be denied. He’s not even trying to deny that.

Eventually you will see him for what he is and you will realise that you don’t want to be second anymore and will find your anger and not want him anymore. You’re not there yet, and that’s fine. But please don’t doubt yourself and fall for his gaslighting.

He might just be reacting to the ultimatum. I have a male friend that my husband has never liked me to see. I have zero interest in said friend. When we were dating a year or two, my husband tried to ultimatum me and I told him he could go if that was the case. I wasn't picking friend over him, I just didn't want to be with someone whose insecurities would dictate whom I could hang out with. He got over it and I still see that friend occasionally.

Oh dear. Sorry this is happening to you. I had an ex that was sort of like this.

If this was a friendship that was before you were on the scene or even started while you was still dating I’d say you kinda just have to deal with it, but this is new (as in a couple years ) by the sounds of it and he’s already saying how important she is in his life to the point he’s willing to end his marriage of 17 years?!?!

I would be rather pissed if my partner of 17 years said his new found friend was equally as important as I was, although the fact he’s being mean and cold and saying go if you want, it seems he views the friend in even higher regard.

I couldn’t live like that, my BP would shoot up to dangerous levels and I’m sorry, I can’t allow a man to kill me off and leave my children motherless so I would have to look at leaving him for my sanity and overall health and happiness.

Stop having sex with him.

I wonder if he started "deleting" once he knew you were getting suspicious/about to look in his phone?
And of course he had to delete other people's messages too, to cover himself.
Very unusual to go to the trouble of deleting, that requires daily (weekly?) Special Effort and very convenient in his situation.

He has a vested interest in not seeing it as inappropriate. He’s either point blank deceiving you and they’re already having a full affair and he’s gaslighting; or he’s deceiving himself that this is just a friendship when it’s clear he has a massive crush/already in love with her.

Friendships with the opposite sex absolutely fine but not when they cross boundaries into relationship territory and you’re basically running 2 relationships concurrently and making one person feel like shit.

If he was honest with himself he would have to admit he’s a shit person in a pickle. So it’s a no brainer to carry on being dishonest.

This^
If you're not ready to leave, just separate yourself mentally and physically- sleep in a different room, do nothing for him, no family conversations, meals etc.
See if anything changes.

Agree - who has the time it energy to bother deleting messages unless it’s enormous group chats

I did this for similar reasons to the OP (DC were in exam years) I moved out and divorced when they finished university (would have done it earlier but Covid and was waiting for ‘no fault divorce’ as didn’t want to lose hope he had been unreasonable.
Definitely make sure you have all finances paperwork etc to hand, see a solicitor and start planning exit. I don’t normally say LTB, but he is being so dismissive and disrespectful of your feelings.

Yes I would have done, being truthful. We got close a couple of times, particularly the final time we saw one another but we resisted because our marriages and particularly DC mean too much.

It’s one of those things and I’d say this to OP too. They do absolutely represent escapism in ways. Marriages and long term relationships can become mundane and it’s easy to get wrapped up in someone who seems exciting and fresh. For me, I work in an industry which is quite niche and can be very intense. I had met someone who shared the same interest which forced the intimacy between us in ways too. Not that I don’t share this interest with colleagues but I guess when intertwined with physical attraction, it’s easy to become wrapped up with one another.

He’s stopped showing much interest tbh. Although always blames something else as the reason.

Says he still thinks of me in that way but only touches me when he initiates sex. No hand holding, cuddles on the sofa or arm around the shoulder.
What I would give for a huge wrap around hug or passionate kiss.

I think you have your answer… You stay and be second best on be the better person and leave for your own sanity. Even if you’re wrong and she’s only a friend he isn’t being nice about the situation at all and I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that anyway.

She is more interesting, they can share stuff about work, have a laugh about it. I get it - she’s more fun. Comes home to me, asks me about my day but doesn’t really listen. Spends the evening on his phone, maybe to her, who knows.
I think she’s a younger version of me before life got a bit dull and middle aged and that’s how he relates to her.

This is just heartbreaking to read OP.
You are just being so negative about yourself.

He is playing video games with this OW as though he is teenager for heavens sake. How ridiculous is that for a presumably, middle aged , man in a supposedly happy long term marriage?

And yet you are the one berating yourself because you are actually acting like a grown up while he is behaving like an adolescent hankering after his younger single days with a woman looks like a younger version of you.

His pathetic selfish behaviour is damaging you. If he really loved you he would not put you through this.

How long has the general lack of intimacy and physical touch been going on?

It’s now starting to sound as though this infatuation with a colleague is perhaps a symptom of deeper underlying issues.

I genuinely don’t understand the way he is acting over this. He is so considerate and kind usually, looks after us all so well and is always known as being someone you can really depend on. Everything he says suggests it’s my problem and he’s behaving like an everyday normal person doing normal things. It’s so bloody confusing.

For about the last year probably.

This was my husband! I’ve come to realise how selfish he actually was, he just changed overnight.

Then it doesn’t sound as though this is the happy, loving marriage (except for an annoying third wheel) that you have in your head.

You are not getting what you need or deserve and it sounds as though he is getting some of his needs met elsewhere, and I don’t necessarily mean sex.

You could try marriage counselling? Although I think that rarely works to keep a marriage together. It usually just clarifies why you should part. But maybe that would be a good thing for you?

And this wasn't a massive red flag in itself?

Men never develop these deep meaningful “friendships “ with 65 year old Susan from HR, it’s always, always a significantly younger attractive woman. Funny that. At the moment you are doing the pick me dance OP, I hope you find the resolve to know your worth and tell him that he can carry on his “friendship” to his heart’s content but it won’t be with you under your roof, seeing as he has literally said he values her more than you.

What matters here is not the fact that your husband finds another woman’s attention flattering and exciting. Let’s face it - most of us sometimes feel that life at home is boring and we have the same conversations over and over with our partners. But his reaction to your request tells you all you need to know about the current state of his heart and mind.

I had a similar situation recently: my partner developed a case of ‚mentionitis’ about a younger female friend who he shares a hobby with. She’s young, attractive, smart, married and insecure; she enjoys his attention. I’m old enough to trust my gut and could see where this ‚friendship’ was going. My partner said that he had no romantic feelings towards her. I said to him: perhaps not yet, but you create an opportunity. Affairs happen when we least expect it; it’s easy to be swayed and charmed by others. That the temporary high may cost him a good relationship and my love. I asked him if he considered how her husband feels about this friendship? How would he feel if all four of us met up? Would there be any discomfort? Because if it’s just a friendship, there surely shouldn’t be any…
My partner apologised, said that he was in the wrong and cooled the friendship off.
Men can be such fools.

I couldn't disagree more. The workplace is rife with exactly this sort of thing - perhaps you aren't looking?

I'm sorry to say it op but this was what my husband was like too when he was getting involved with his colleague. Watch out for him staying up late to work, not committing to plans, picking arguments etc too.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I wonder how he would respond if you wrapped his arms around you, or cuddled on his lap on the sofa.

Why not take his word for it; that this is simply a platonic relationship. Notch up the intimacy. Surprise him in something sexy, cook romantic meals for the two of you, after the kids have gone to bed. Go on days out and hold his hand.

Either he will respond in kind and your relationship might find a little of what it’s missing.

or, you’ll know. Because if he doesn’t want to do those things with you, it’ll be because of the guilt he feels towards someone else.

At this point when it’s impossible to truly know one way or the other, I think it would be worth working on your relationship instead.

Also, I agree with a pp that this woman is nothing special. She isn’t better than you. If he were ever to form a relationship with her, they’d have the same arguments; the same worries…probably more due to step kids and him having to be in contact with yourself. It would go quickly from fantasy to ugly.

So back yourself and remember, above everything, the most attractive thing about a person is confidence, not youth or even good looks. Confidence is magnetic.