Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

[Whereismymind12]

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman.
Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same.
He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change.
I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this.
Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly painful and deeply unfair. there are many here with greater insights than me, but I’d urge you to do anything you can to take care of yourself, and seek support outside of him from friends, family, counselling etc.

I’d also recommend counselling for you over marriage counselling

Oh OP, he is abusing you at this point. He is lying about his infatuation and gaslighting you to hell. No decent man puts a friend above his wife. He has flat out told you that she comes first over you and your marriage. That tells you everything you need to know. No matter what happens he has lost your trust and your belief in him. Your safe place is gone. He took it away from you and is punishing you while doing it.

I would calmly tell him he can chose her or you and if it's her then he can leave right then. Have his bag packed and hand it to him and say nothing more. Grey rock him and get rid. Tell everyone he picked this other woman over you and let him feel every loss. Get in front of his controlling wife narrative and let everyone know the ass he really is.

YOU deserve more. YOU are the treasure he is losing. He is just another washed up middle aged idiot trying to relive his teenage fantasies and will fall flat on his face. Let him fall. He deserves nothing more from you.

He wants "us" to be happy. Aka HE wants to be happy. And happy for him is having her in his life until he can work out if she wants a future with him.

Dear OP

I don’t actually think it matters if they are having an affair or not - the thing that matters is that it makes you uncomfortable and he won’t put an end to it.

it’s the choice of her over you.

you should not be second choice in your marriage, get a good solicitor and surprise him with a divorce.

Honestly, i could've written this post few years ago... My DH had this special friendship with his colleague, fair bit younger. Turned out taht he developed infatuation or crush. She wasn't seriously interested (probably played with him for attention a bit). I was pregnant at the time...

It’s all fantasy though, none of it is real. The nicely shaven, showered, dressed, perfectly behaved person he presents in work hours (or when with her) is likely a facade. He’s not walking around showing her all his bad habits is he! She is probably aware she gets a polished version and loves the attention (as does he). Work wife/work husband type scenarios I see on here and in real life - none of it is real.
It is possible he just gets on well with her/shared interests but it’s dangerous ground and the fact he says he wants this friendship and is willing to risk his marriage is very telling. Wait until she meets someone, I guarantee he will get dropped because no man she dates would put up with this behaviour.

I think you need to protect yourself, there’s some good advice on here, let him make a fool of himself but not at your expense.

He is tteating you with no respect.
This is not an ordinary friendship if he is prepared to see you leave rather than stop seeing her.
He is having an affair without a doubt.

This makes me so sad to hear, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like he is cheating emotionally if not something more. I have experience in this and in my case, the mumsnetters were 100% spot on. Sometimes we can't see how obvious it is because we are too close, we don't want to believe it, and we choose to focus on all that is good in the relationship, even when there is a major red flag. He has already told you how he feels, he doesn't want to let her go for whatever reason. It's up to you now to decide what you are willing to accept. But I believe you deserve more.

He's getting his cake and eating it too. Time to prioritise yourself and let him have her. He's not a good man, or kind of he's willing to throw it all away for a "friend" (I don't believe that's all they are)

Hi op be very very careful here you sound like you’re in a no win situation the fact he’s willing to throw away his marriage for her is a huge red flag but he will blame you omg talk about gaslighting you. If you leave you hand him over on a plate and if you stay you probably live in fear of an affair happening. Some men are just fucking idiots her friendship is more important how is that? How can he be your best friend if he’s hers honestly look at the amount of time he’s emotionally attached to her are your friendships this intense? Please think long and hard before you act he doesn’t really care if you’re happy does he? Not really if you ask him why her feelings matter more than yours. If he says they don’t say they must do because you’re willing to throw your marriage away for her friendship it’s not me it’s you. How often does she he communicate with you op?

He's lying, and gaslighting you.

I'm really sorry.

He's in love with her but wants you both because he is deeply selfish, entitled and/or cowardly.

The hard bit is walking away while he's fucking with your mind.

The alternative is staying but it will break you. At some point he may well leave you for her which is 1000 times worse - you can take my word for that.

Take care. You deserve way better.

Sorry but he is having at least an emotional affair. The fact he’s saying if you don’t like the ‘friendship’ you can leave . Leave him to it! It will only get worse x

The question is, though -- why don't you believe him? Is it not possible that he's telling the truth and he's very upset and frustrated because you're insisting he has feelings for this woman who is just a friend of his?

Maybe it's because I'm bi and my husband is bi but I don't understand why some people tie themselves in knots so much about opposite sex friendships. I have loads. Some of whom, if my husband suddenly decided to issue an ultimatum over, I'd tell him to get to fuck.

OP, I have lots of male friends. Some really close ones who I love spending time with.

I also have a 20 odd year marriage to a man I love and respect.

My DH has no issue with me being close friends with other men, I’ve always clicked slightly better with men and have always worked in a male dominated industry so it’s our normal.

However, if he came to me saying that he was concerned about any particular one of those friends, having never been jealous before, to the point that it was making him cry, making him insecure, ruining his self-esteem and causing huge blazing rows in our relationship, then that friendship would be dropped like a hot stone. No questions asked. I would feel awful and do everything I could to put our marriage on track.

At this point I don’t think it matters whether he is having an affair, planning to have an affair or it’s just a close platonic friendship. He is putting someone before you. And in my view, that is breaking his marriage vows.

@Franpie puts it in a nutshell OP :
At this point I don’t think it matters whether he is having an affair, planning to have an affair or it’s just a close platonic friendship. He is putting someone before you. And in my view, that is breaking his marriage vows.

He is putting someone before you and that is breaking his marriage vows. How can he dismiss the reality of that?

Sorry wrong thread

Engineer meeting and invite his friend to dinner.

Make a point of complimenting her looks.

Offer her a second hand dress that you wore fiteen years ago because she reminds you of yourself fifteen years ago.
Make a point of being friendly but pose you and your husband as being older, like her parents.

Inquire about her parents.

The relationship is inappropriate because it makes you feel unsteady. Your husband should want you feeling steadfast and strong. He is selfish.

I’ve been up since 4am churning this over and over and reading through the comments. I have no idea what to think anymore, we talked again last night and i tried to explain how I feel again. He sighed and walked out the room saying it’s all in my head.
If she transferred to another office I wonder if we could be like we were again. I feel very embarrassed and unfeminist to admit this but all I really want is for him to properly love me again, to know I’m the centre of his world not teetering on the edge with her next to me. He tells me he loves me and he can be sweet and treats me well. It’s as though if I accept his friendship with her all will be well and he is still insisting it is just a friendship.

He is literally causing you to be mentally unwell because of his appalling behaviour OP.

He is making you doubt yourself when it is all down to him carrying out an emotional affair with this woman. He isdesperate for you to accept it so he can continue to have you both in his life and feel no guilt.

Honestly this is a script. There have been so many other threads where the poor OP has ended up on medication because her H has convinced her that she is crazy because she is calling him out on his behaviour.

You really really need to end this marriage now for your own sake.

I would recommend reading not just friends by Julie glass. If he is open to reading it to that's even better.
It all about the risks of friendships with the opposite sex without appropriate boundaries and lots of practical advice about agreeing boundaries together and why they are so important.
You could frame it as I understand this friendship is important to you so I'd like to ensure we are both on the same page and our marriage is protected.
I still think you placing boundaries and taking care or yourself is paramount as it feels as if this friendship is already in dangerous territory and he's been clear it's more important than your feelings but this another approach that might help him see for himself.

Hes not giving her up. It's pretty obvious that you don't want to end the marriage.

I therefore think that you've got to get yourself involved with the friendship. Invite her over, go out with them. Not every time but every third time, for example

You've GOT to do something to help yourself and you seem unable to end the marriage. It can't go on like this

It's so obvious that he's playing you like a fiddle. He's good, I'll give him that. And you're passively going along with it, whinging every now and again which boosts his ego and then he pops you back in your box

I think you either join the friendship, or at least get counselling. It def feels off to me. I work mainly with men, but have never felt the need to have such a deep friendship with one that it impacts my marriage. Why would I?

It also struck me that her relationship failed. Why?

I think it's got to the point where you've got nothing to lose really, perhaps pretend you've realised he's right and invite her over for dinner. See what he says to that.

This. All this just friends nonsense is just gaslighting.

If she moved to another office he would just be in love with her there, the relationship would continue and you’d be in the same position.