Still not having sex with DH, what to do?

[sadeyess]

I posted another thread a while ago but thought I might more responses on a new thread.

DH and I haven’t had sex since January (I was 4/5 months pregnant). Our baby is now 5 months and sleeps well. I have done everything night related with db, dh hardly lost any sleep. Just adding that in case tiredness is brought up- it isn’t an issue for dh. I have told dh about 6 times now, although three times were very recent, how this is affecting me and making me feel. At first (seven months ago) he said he’d go to the doctor and try to get something to help etc. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t. I’ve attempted to initiate things and he’s been very happy to receive oral but not touch me or be intimate with me. I’m at my wits end, the last two days I’ve been noticeably been very down/depressed and he asked me today why; I told him and now he’s in a mood with me. He’s not attempting to resolve this and is very happy for me to pleasure him but not vice versa. What do I do? I fear for our relationship if this continues for much longer. What did people in this situation do and how did it end up? Thank you so much to any replies.

Basically this.

It doesn’t sound as if you’d be happy to accept a no sex relationship …..
If he wanted to try to sort this situation then he’d have rung the GP ages ago. He hasn’t forgotten to today because you’ve reminded him. He’s chosen not to. If he’s happy not to ever have sex then that’s fine but he can’t expect you to accept that and hang around.

109% agree @rainbowstardrops

@WanderingGiraffethat js actually an excellent idea; if nothing changes then in the new year I’m
going to say that it’s an emergency and I will book couple counselling. He hates the thought of couples counselling in general.

This would really upset me too OP. It’s not just the lack of sex. It’s the lack of care he’s exhibiting for your feelings, the lack of initiating non sexual intimacy like kissing, and his selfishness in the bedroom too. Those things would make me feel like he didn’t respect or value me.

Things always change after a baby. Me and DP have sex rarely now - we take it in turns co sleeping with our 13 month old, and sh wakes so frequently that we just don’t bother. But when she stays at grandmas we have sex loads! And outside of that, I feel loved and valued and heard by DP. We’re on the same page.

If I had to be brutally honest, it sounds like he just doesn’t like you that much anymore. If he did, he would care how you feel. I know that’s an awful thing to say, but I’ve been with a man who didn’t want sex and he just didn’t like me very much. I think he kind of hated women, in a way.

@EveningSpreadyes I’m worried that you could be right. Although he’s not a misogynist. But about the other stuff.

This is what hurts as well; I make an effort every day. I wear makeup daily and make an effort to be a healthy weight. I look okay, given I had a baby six months ago. I’m not perfect or anything, could definitely be more toned but still. I’m trying 😓

He could be pleasuring himself downstairs whilst you're asleep.
Just wanted to say OP, this would really upset me too - it's not your problem at all and he needs to sort himself out if he wants to keep you. I don't know what I would think if my husband did this (no kids yet) :(

It is most likely nothing to do with you OP. As someone who has barely any interest in sex, how my partner looks would have no impact on me. I don't think it means he doesn't love you, or that you're lacking in any way, it is just that he isn't interested in sex. The same way that lots of people aren't interested in football, or knitting, or anything else.
I don't think there is much you can do to make him interested if he simply isn't.

On what basis????? Usually men having affairs guilt love their wife more than normal.

He can’t be having an affair @SJone0101@CombatBarbie. Not saying this emotionally, but practically speaking he WFH, and next to never leaves the house without me (not my choice, he’s just a homebird!). He’s hardly ever on his phone either.

I was defending lol I love how people read some normal relationship traits and just automatically scream affair.

I know @CombatBarbieand I’m grateful I only meant to tag the other one but ended up doing both due to the quote thing sorry.

Not necessarily. Mine insisted I make him a meal before he went out to her. We had to rush home from meeting friends so he could go out with her. No intimacy at all, but bought presents (unusual for him). I still didn't catch on.

It's such a sensitive thing to have to discuss and discussing it isn't exactly sexiness itself. Much sympathy. It's horrible to have to admit or be told that the sexual spark has gone, even if it's temporary, its hurtful in a devastatingly personal way. I've been on the receiving end and had to end a relationship myself as that side just fizzled out and it was important to me, I felt awful but it was just being truthful, it was the elephant in the room for years in that instance.

It's early days still with still quite a new baby, it sounds like you had great chemistry and so it's probably just the change of pace. Park it for the moment, if you have time and space spend it on doing things YOU like. It's funny how partners seem to perk up when you're all of a sudden occupied doing other fun things...

The fact that you’re even thinking like this shows the damage the situation is doing to your self esteem. It can’t just be about sex: if you felt secure and valued in other ways, or could have honest conversations about sex, where you’re both at, etc, you wouldn’t feel like this, right?

It says a lot when you fixate on appearances. I know my DP will love me if I gain weight, lose weight, whatever. Because I know he loves me. He might find me more attractive in some form or other, but I know he’ll love me regardless. We’ve both gained weight and lost it since DD was born. We mostly care that the other person feels confident and happy and has enough time to themselves.

Your situation sounds fraught and sad. It’s heartbreaking to hear. You deserve to feel loved and valued, extra pounds or not.

My ex stopped having sex with me because he didn't want to be "unfaithful" to this woman. He was having an emotional affair that was sexual with videos and photos etc (but they didn't actually have sex), mainly during the day when he was at work, and at night when I went to bed with the children. He wasn't on his phone much, worked from home occasionally, was still very family orientated. He just stopped wanting to have sex, and no matter what I did or said, he still didn't want sex.

Men who do not want sex, are a red flag and are not to be trusted. There is something more going on and it isn't you.

You are so correct. I think mine is having another affair.

Make the appointment for him or sit him down and hand him the phone. How can he get away with fobbing you off like this?

Agreed. Tell him either he calls today or you call the divorce lawyer tomorrow.