Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still not having sex with DH, what to do?

168 replies

sadeyess · 22/11/2025 14:48

I posted another thread a while ago but thought I might more responses on a new thread.

DH and I haven’t had sex since January (I was 4/5 months pregnant). Our baby is now 5 months and sleeps well. I have done everything night related with db, dh hardly lost any sleep. Just adding that in case tiredness is brought up- it isn’t an issue for dh. I have told dh about 6 times now, although three times were very recent, how this is affecting me and making me feel. At first (seven months ago) he said he’d go to the doctor and try to get something to help etc. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t. I’ve attempted to initiate things and he’s been very happy to receive oral but not touch me or be intimate with me. I’m at my wits end, the last two days I’ve been noticeably been very down/depressed and he asked me today why; I told him and now he’s in a mood with me. He’s not attempting to resolve this and is very happy for me to pleasure him but not vice versa. What do I do? I fear for our relationship if this continues for much longer. What did people in this situation do and how did it end up? Thank you so much to any replies.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 15/12/2025 00:20

He sounds selfish. I would also be interested in why, given he is a lot older than you, it was you that was sterilised rather than him having a vasectomy?

Rattai · 15/12/2025 10:46

He doesn't care about you or beef do everything possible to help the situation.
He just wants to tell you whatever it takes to keep you where you are

Original poster
sadeyess · 15/12/2025 17:18

So I’ve been again very flat today although not emotional. Just flat. And DH has just asked why and said is it because we’re not having it. I said of course it is, it’s breaking me and that it’s his lack of trying to do something about it ie doctor or something. He said he will go to the doctors tomorrow (good luck getting an appointment for it, we’ve had texts saying how busy it is right now and it’s just for urgent things). He said he hasn’t been yet because he forgets and I said I don’t understand how as it’s on my mind every day. I guess if he at least calls the doctors even if he’s not successful in getting an appointment that it’s a step in the right direction but I don’t think that I believe that he will call in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadeyess · 15/12/2025 17:19

@LadyLapsangwell that was me taking charge because he refused. I have fallen pregnant on contraception twice and do not want any more children and he refused to get a vasectomy so I felt like I had to.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadeyess · 15/12/2025 17:23

@YourDearDreamerif I did I doubt he’d acknowledge it. No he 100% isn’t seriously ill or anything. He doesn’t really speak to his family so not anything like that worrying him.

OP posts:
moderate · 15/12/2025 17:31

Give him three quarters of a blow job and then tell him it's his turn to go down on you.

CraftyYankee · 15/12/2025 19:03

He doesn't seem like he wants to change the situation regardless of what the issue is. The only thing you can do is decide if you want to live like this or not.

If you decide being with him (co-parenting, finances, housing etc) is more important to you than a sex life, then figure out how to be happy with that scenario. If that isn't the case, or isn't possible, then you need to separate. He can't or won't make changes so those are the only viable options open to you.

You could continue as you are, being miserable, begging him to do something, being low and sad and him going in a mood when he hears it again. But that's no way to live.

CraftyYankee · 15/12/2025 19:05

To add, following through and actually separating might be the kick he needs to do something about the issue. Right now you're sad but not really impacting him otherwise. But don't do it for that reason, do it for yourself.

CorneliaCupp · 16/12/2025 10:41

CraftyYankee · 15/12/2025 19:03

He doesn't seem like he wants to change the situation regardless of what the issue is. The only thing you can do is decide if you want to live like this or not.

If you decide being with him (co-parenting, finances, housing etc) is more important to you than a sex life, then figure out how to be happy with that scenario. If that isn't the case, or isn't possible, then you need to separate. He can't or won't make changes so those are the only viable options open to you.

You could continue as you are, being miserable, begging him to do something, being low and sad and him going in a mood when he hears it again. But that's no way to live.

I agree with this post. If sex was completely and permanently off the table, what would you do?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 16/12/2025 10:48

I'd stop initiating sex and stop the BJs.
You're getting nothing in return.

My first husband was like this, also after the birth of our second child.

It turned out that he was gay and we eventually got divorced.

Original poster
sadeyess · 16/12/2025 13:03

@CorneliaCuppI genuinely don’t know. I imagine I would have to try to co parent and stay but I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to that. 😓

Although he didn’t phone the doctor today.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadeyess · 16/12/2025 13:04

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOneI have stopped initiating. I’m really sorry that happened to you. DH has had several relationships so I doubt he’s gay.

OP posts:
Rattai · 16/12/2025 13:06

He still has time to call the doctor.
Has he said he isn't going to now?

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 16/12/2025 13:09

sadeyess · 16/12/2025 13:03

@CorneliaCuppI genuinely don’t know. I imagine I would have to try to co parent and stay but I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to that. 😓

Although he didn’t phone the doctor today.

He’s fobbing you off. He doesn’t want to do anything about it. If he won’t talk about then you either have two choices - stay and put up with it or leave.

Original poster
sadeyess · 16/12/2025 13:14

@RattaiI knew that he hadn’t, but I asked him outright anyway. He said not yet, he forgot. Still hasn’t. Has been grumpy since. I feel like I’m being massively fobbed off?

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 16/12/2025 13:24

Really does sound like you are at "make or break" point and I don't blame you. I think you are now going to, don't want to say ultimatum but essentially that is it. Noone needs to stay in a sexless marriage, regardless of how good the other areas of the relationship are.

Rattai · 16/12/2025 13:29

sadeyess · 16/12/2025 13:14

@RattaiI knew that he hadn’t, but I asked him outright anyway. He said not yet, he forgot. Still hasn’t. Has been grumpy since. I feel like I’m being massively fobbed off?

Sadly you feel that way because you are.
I'd honestly not remind him anymore.
Just get stuff ready to separate after Christmas
He cares about himself more than you

LondonLady1980 · 16/12/2025 13:38

You are massively being fobbed off!

personally I don’t think he has any intention of going to the GP but the question I would be asking is WHY isn’t he bothered about going to the GP?

Why isn't he interested in fixing your sex life?

Me and my DH have been going through a tough few months and my sex drive has dive bombed and it has probably affected my husband in the same way you are currently being affected, and it has upset me so much to see him feeling rejected when I genuinely don’t mean to do that. This morning I went to the GP about it and yes, it’s a slightly embarrassing topic to discuss, probably even more so for a male, but I did it because although I do want to get my sex drive back, I also want to have a sex life with my husband, I want us to have the intimacy and closeness that we used to have. So although I did it for myself, I also did it for him, and for us because him and our marriage is important to me.

So you need to accept that for some reason your DH isn’t interested in dealing with this, but you need to also question why he’s not bothered.

He knows how much this is hurting you and he still isn’t doing anything about it, which shows he is selfish and doesn’t care about your feelings.

But it’s also important that you realise he isn’t missing having an intimate connection with you, and he doesn’t want to get it back either, and that speaks volumes about how much he values the relationship.

Talk to your husband again but stop making the lack of sex the focus, and instead focus on what really matters, ask him why he isn’t bothered about the impact it’s having on your marriage and why that isn’t enough to make him see a doctor.

Original poster
sadeyess · 16/12/2025 13:41

I think that for my own sake I’m dropping the topic until after Christmas unless he brings it up. There’s no point spending the next 9 days depressed. I also predict that he won’t do anything and will be annoyed for the next few days that I’ve ‘gone on’ about it- he won’t tell me this but I can feel his annoyance.
I think he was a bit shocked last night. I dint know if I mentioned it in my pp but I said that I was depressed every day because of this, he asked really and looked shocked.

OP posts:
TiggyTomCat · 16/12/2025 13:46

He really needs to understand that your marriage is hanging by a thread because of this and he really is in danger of losing you. No action = consequences.

WanderingGiraffe · 16/12/2025 14:03

I think he’s not booking a GP appt because he knows it’s not a medical issue. (Or, he thinks he’s dying and doesn’t want to know - men are like this.)

His total lack of willingness to engage is awful. Again, id plan to take a break and go away for a few days to make him realise how miserable this is making you, or could consider writing things down like a PP suggested. Or book and appointment to a couples counsellor and tell him to come along!

SJone0101 · 16/12/2025 14:04

I think he is having an affair.

BernardButlersBra · 16/12/2025 14:07

He’s happy for you to pleasure him but not vice versa. You do all the night wakings?! I know what he is getting out of all of this but not you. Do you have to do EVERYTHING? It’s fine if he wants to have a sexless marriage but you don’t have to and for lots of people (me included) then it would be a deal breaker

Redburnett · 16/12/2025 14:10

It sounds as though your options are limited to accepting a no sex relationship, or separation, sadly.

noidea69 · 16/12/2025 14:17

You need a night out with your friends, leave him alone with baby, get dressed up and make yourself feel attractive. Make it apparent to him that you fully expect eyes to be on you tonight (obviously dont do anything as you rightly dont want to cheat) let him know that this is who you are and you want to feel desired.