Still not having sex with DH, what to do?

[sadeyess]

I posted another thread a while ago but thought I might more responses on a new thread.

DH and I haven’t had sex since January (I was 4/5 months pregnant). Our baby is now 5 months and sleeps well. I have done everything night related with db, dh hardly lost any sleep. Just adding that in case tiredness is brought up- it isn’t an issue for dh. I have told dh about 6 times now, although three times were very recent, how this is affecting me and making me feel. At first (seven months ago) he said he’d go to the doctor and try to get something to help etc. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t. I’ve attempted to initiate things and he’s been very happy to receive oral but not touch me or be intimate with me. I’m at my wits end, the last two days I’ve been noticeably been very down/depressed and he asked me today why; I told him and now he’s in a mood with me. He’s not attempting to resolve this and is very happy for me to pleasure him but not vice versa. What do I do? I fear for our relationship if this continues for much longer. What did people in this situation do and how did it end up? Thank you so much to any replies.

It is absolutely not uncommon for a middle aged man to have a refractory period of a few hours. But even if it's only 30 mins or so, if he's masturbating right before coming to bed that would still affect his ability to perform. It is beyond doubt that compulsive porn use will have an impact on male sexual desire, particularly if the man in question is no longer young. Denying this is absolutely ridiculous.

That’s not my experience of middle-aged men. They can be up-and-att’em again after a pause for a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Anyway, we know the OP’s husband has no problem getting wood as that particularly charming fellow seems to like ramming it down her throat.

Have you done a survey of all middle aged men? Why are you so invested in this not being porn related?

What evidence do we have for porn (ab)use? None.

And, I dare say, no man would turn down an evening of amorous jousting with his frisky wife in favor of a swift one off the wrist unless said wife is an absolute horror show.

OP, your husband needs to admit himself what his issue is. Then he can be truthful with you. No one here can answer your questions, as those answers are inside your husband’s subconscious.
Look, simply put, it is possible that a marriage with zero intimacy can work — but it is almost never sustainable or healthy long-term.
Humans need connection. However, it has to be a two way street, and yours is one way only!

Relationships need some form of emotional or physical closeness to stay alive, otherwise it’s just humans sharing a task based household.

What sort of biscuit are you talking about?
(asking for a friend)

It's well known that men addicted to porn are no longer interested in sex with their real life partner.

Hi op - this is absolutely terrible for you and your self esteem - what a selfish pig - STOP the blow jobs - tell him it's a deal breaker and he either gets it sorted or gets out of the relationship - I know it's not that simple but this is the bottom line isn't it. Xx

I hate it when men push my head down to get oral, hate it hate it hate it, don't care if it's gentle or what. I don't mind them saying it's what they'd like but I find that a really horrid thing to do and would never reward it.

And if it happens in a context where he's already ignoring your needs and connection, it's even worse.

I don't condone cheating either, OP, but I don't think all affairs are the same. If his ex left for an affair partner because he was ignoring intimacy issues that were affecting her like they're affecting you - no effort to resolve it or reassure you - but was still pushing her head down to get oral, I find that far more understandable than many other affair situations I can think of. There's more than one way to bream vows, and you're also supposed to have and to hold, to love and cherish.

I expect that if he were actually trying to do something about it that showed you he cared, even if things weren't yet ideal, you'd feel differently. But this is so uncaring, and actively coupled with selfishness - he clearly does want something. I don't have a solution but you are not wrong in how you're feeling.

DH asked me what was wrong as he could tell something was bothering me. I told him and he says he has 0 drive at all, not tThat he’s not attracted to me. He said he needs to actually go to the doctor instead of just saying it. How long is reasonable to give him before bringing it up again? The energy and mood has shifted somewhat, he’s grumpy and in a mood.

@sadeyess two weeks to get it sorted. It’s been long enough. Tell him what you think is an acceptable time frame for you. And no more blow jobs till then either as they make you feel low and used as well as unfulfilled. It’s sad that you have got to this point and his behaviour is showing you he is dragging his heels to do something that will improve your quality of life. I would actually just ask him if he’s happy not having sex again ?

The suggestion is that he's got some kind of psychological block around pregnancy/birth that means he can't have sex with you now you've had his child/he's seen the birth?

That's going to be hard to cure.
Particularly if he won't see a therapist or talk about it.

What's your long-term plan OP? You control him, only the choices you make.

Are you breastfeeding? Could it be that?

I think you may need to change your answer when he asks you what’s wrong. If you are currently answering by telling him that you are sad and hurt by the lack of intimacy in your marriage, stop. The answer is “I am hurt because you don’t care enough to make a doctor’s appointment. You say that you will but then you don’t. Our marriage is not a priority for you and I find your refusal to take action insulting and humiliating and I am losing hope”. Move from telling him that this a problem of a lack of intimacy to a problem with a lack of action/initiative from him.

None of us (or you or him) really knows what the root cause of the issue is. None of us knows if the doctor can help but only HE can take the next step towards doing something about it and I can understand why you find his lack of action so frustrating and rejecting.

He is probably scared - both of what the treatment might entail and/or that it might not work. But he also ought to be scared of hurting you or losing you and I am sure you would like to feel that those things matter more.

@AnonAnonmysteryI think that’s a fair timeframe, I honestly despair another day to be honest but obviously that isn’t on the cards. I don’t think that he’d have done anything about it off his own accord but I’m not nagging him again. He tells me often enough that I look lovely without any prompting so I don’t know. I did say to him a while ago that the idea of it being Christmas and nothing has happened breaks my heart. And thinking about it, it’s only happened twice since last October. First he acted like I was made of glass when I was pregnant and then just two very quick times when I was 4/5 months. Then nothing except what I’ve done for him. And in answer to your question, I think he’d be happy not to unless he gets the urge naturally again and just expect me to be happy nonetheless. I do genuinely really fear that this is going to be very detrimental to us long term. I just don’t see how even if the doctor gives him something (and I don’t actually know what boosts libido or how long it takes to kick in) that he’d come to bed all raring to go? I don’t even know anymore.

Also I think that because he feels so incredibly secure with us that he doesn’t actually run the risk of losing me. We’ve promised each other in the past that this is it for us, we’re together and that’s that. And obviously I wouldn’t be unfaithful. So I don’t think that is a concern to him.

But this can't be right, because he's fine for you to go down on him (and goes about it in a horrible way, in my opinion). He can't have 0 drive and 0 attraction to you and still be doing this.

Is he just totally uninterested in pleasing or connecting with you and thinks if he says this then you'll accept this crappy treatment with no expectation of any return?

@ThatCyanCatthat’s true but I did instigate it when it’s happened with the intention of it leading on to other things. It is possible that dh is uninterested in that connection but I think (hope) that he knows he needs to be proactive about going to dr etc. Although he didn’t last time. I don’t know.

It doesn't matter that you instigated it. If I had no sex drive and someone I had 0 attraction to instigated sex, I wouldn't respond. I sure as hell wouldn't be pushing their head down (!) to indicate I wanted oral. I assume he was erect for this, he climaxed? That's not the mark of a man with no drive and no attraction. And didn't he initially deny not being attracted to you?

I don't know what the issue is but I'm certain it's not because you're not attractive enough! I can only guess that new parenthood is taking it out of him, which I can have some sympathy for (more for you, though)... but he's dealing with it by deprioritising you, and not caring about your needs or the connection, saying incredibly hurtful things to you about not being attracted, and yet still using you for oral when he fancies it. That's soul destroying.

You said you thought he was so sure you'd never leave or cheat that he takes you for granted (or words to that effect). Obviously you should not cheat, but sometimes the thing that saves a marriage is being prepared to walk away from it. If he faced the very real possibility of losing you then it may be the kick he needs to start doing something to prove that's not what he wants. And if he's happy to just let you go and not fight, then that's probably best for you both.

@ThatCyanCathe says he is attracted to me, sorry if that’s not clear. And I agree with a lot of your post.

Hi @sadeyess

I will just answer your question directly. This would really hurt me and impact me confidence wise. It would make me feel unattractive and unloved. Sex is very important to me - very - and I am unashamed about that.

Postpartum or not, young babies etc - I have always prioritised a regular, active sex life and I would be incompatible with someone who does not.

But that is me.

How do you feel about it?

I think you need a serious and open chat as we can all speculate but we don’t know what your husband is thinking.

I hope you can work it out.

Thanks @HelpMeUnpickThis. It’s very important to me and I have a very high drive. It’s devastating.

He does want sex! One way oral sex.

How would it make me feel? If he wanted and was actively asking for oral sex and then….nothing? I’d feel used. I’d be angry.

It’s awful and I am sorry this is happening when everything else is good.

I hope you can find a way to communicate how serious this is for you.

I didn’t like the selfishness of being happy to receive oral but never doing anything for you and also the suggestion that you would never leave.

I hope you can talk to him in a way that leaves him in no uncertain terms about how unhappy this is making you feel.

What will he do if you end the marriage? Will he see a therapist then?