Still not having sex with DH, what to do?

[sadeyess]

I posted another thread a while ago but thought I might more responses on a new thread.

DH and I haven’t had sex since January (I was 4/5 months pregnant). Our baby is now 5 months and sleeps well. I have done everything night related with db, dh hardly lost any sleep. Just adding that in case tiredness is brought up- it isn’t an issue for dh. I have told dh about 6 times now, although three times were very recent, how this is affecting me and making me feel. At first (seven months ago) he said he’d go to the doctor and try to get something to help etc. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t. I’ve attempted to initiate things and he’s been very happy to receive oral but not touch me or be intimate with me. I’m at my wits end, the last two days I’ve been noticeably been very down/depressed and he asked me today why; I told him and now he’s in a mood with me. He’s not attempting to resolve this and is very happy for me to pleasure him but not vice versa. What do I do? I fear for our relationship if this continues for much longer. What did people in this situation do and how did it end up? Thank you so much to any replies.

I think this is it. I'm wondering if the same thing happened with his previous partner too. I know the OP said the partner left him for her affair partner but maybe she had an affair because he didn't want to have sex with her anymore.

This is all conjecture though because if a man ever pushed my head down to recieve oral (and then didn't do anything to reciprocate) then they would be gone. I would never allow myself to be disrespected like that.

Best just talk to him about whatever the problem is.

Give it a few more years of a sexless relationship…

I can’t @LiveToTell

Sorry, I meant about the condoning cheating comment. Not stick out the misery for more years!

I’ve been there, it’s up and down for us but it can be awful. And I wouldn’t stay if sex was taken completely off the table (no pun intended!).

It can be months between sex for us. I put up with it because it was always amazing when we did do it, but even how good it is is starting to decline. Unfortunately also now is my sex drive due to all the unhappiness over it.

I told my husband last year that I would not spend my 40s having as little sex as we had in our 30s. It’s up to him what he does with that.

Good luck, I hope he goes to the GP asap.

Not really an update but there has been no effort yet to contact the doctor or try and sort this. Maybe Monday?

I’m sorry but to me this means that he still has a libido, but he just doesn’t fancy you enough to want sex wirh you. Plus, he’s so selfish to do this knowing he won’t reciprocate. And inconsiderate. I’m so sorry op, I don’t think there’s anything else you can do to fix this. The desire to fix it has to come from him and, if it doesn’t, you probably won’t be together a year from now. I’m sorry

Sounds like he’s just lost his sex drive. Probably nothing to do with you. Hopefully it’ll pick up again but, like so many people on here say, little kids, work and family life often have this effect. It’s up to you to let it slide for a while or make a change and get out. You really can’t force him.

This is the only answer. This is what I had to accept about my husband and when we had a massive talk about it after a watershed moment, he claimed to have 'not much insight' and basically just lied to me. At that point I decided separation was the only answer. Your husband knows why and he is the only one who can tell you. I went around in circles like you for fifteen years.

Not really an update because here isn’t anything to update. Still not made an appointment with the doctor, still not being intimate.

Sorry to read. Where does that leave you?

I didn’t think he would go to the doctors :( his whole attitude to your happiness sucks. This is another example as he gave you false hope. And I don’t feel the doctors is the solution. He has some kind of libido as he wants oral but not sex. I really do feel the longer this goes on, the more it will chip away at your self esteem. The waiting, hoping and being disappointed is a never ending cycle right now for you. The way he’s fobbed you off about going to the doctors is ridiculous- it’s like he thinks you will forget about it or intimacy will stop being important to you.

I think I’d be taking myself away for a while (take DC to hotel/friend or relative). Tell him that his failure to even try and resolve the issues are making you so unhappy that you need space from him. I couldn’t keep looking at him all the time knowing he was ignoring this.

Tell him he can use that time to reflect on his issues and decide to see a GP or a sexual counsellor (I think he needs the latter), and that you look forward to trying to work together to resolve the issue when you return.

And if he doesn’t do anything? Well. I don’t think I’d be able to stay. More due to his inaction to try and solve the issues, than pure lack of sex.

I think it's really selfish... You have given him ample opportunity to try to resolve this, big hugs!

Its not so much the lack of sex that would kill it for me. It's the fact that he thinks he's entitled to some but you're not!
That and the fact that he won't even address the issue properly.
I'm sorry to say this would end things for me.

If can still get erections , then a Dr won’t help, probably needs to see some form of counselling- maybe take a look at relate ,
you cannot make people have sex they don’t want- but it might help deal with how it affects your relationship

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/weve-stopped-having-sex

This is such a hard thing to bear. As women we're often conditioned to belief that men would want to car sex every chance they got and to have a partner that you have to badger into having sex with you is fairly soul destroying . Even if he does initiate now and again , you'll always wonder if he's just 'getting it over with' to keep you happy.
Utter sympathy op. It's such a deeply personal thing to have to go through.

A bit of an update but not really.

Yesterday I woke up feeling very flat about the whole thing. Very depressed and sad. When DH got up, he realised very quickly I was flat and why. He knew without me needing to say anything, said he knew why and apologised and gave me a hug. Unfortunately this triggered me because it feels like ‘I’m sorry, I know you’re struggling but I’m not doing anything about it’. He refused to discuss it directly and I spent the whole day on and off crying, keeping my distance as it was painful to be around him and us arguing. Again this is without actually discussing it face on because he refused and I didn’t want to push it. We ended up being okay in the evening as we just agreed to drop it as we have had a miserable day and couldn’t continue. We’ve been okay today albeit a bit just like pretending yesterday didn’t happen (DH’s choice). Didn’t promise to go to the doctor or make a plan or even discuss it frankly. Did reassure me that he loves me very much, isn’t me or how I look, loves our family and wouldn’t ever be without me etc. Don’t really know where to go from here, I can’t force him to discuss it as he just won’t.

Sorry OP, but I’m not sure I go for his definition of love. He sees you utterly miserable and is doing nothing about it. It could be a problem easily solved and he is doing nothing. I could not live with this. He doesn’t actually care about you. I’ve had sex drive issues due to peri and I’m doing my absolute best to sort them out, I’m making an effort because I love my husband and want that connection. He clearly thinks very little of you and is coasting on your good will. If it is causing you this much pain and he is happy to sit there and watch you suffer these feelings then it would seem ultimatum and divorce are your only options or find a nice fwb, after pre warning your husband that he’s leaving you with no option.

Don't stay with him. Leave and be happy without him. He will never change and he has done this before with his previous wife I suspect.

Your DC will grow up to be a well balanced adult as you will be better able to cope without this lead weight around you.

Hugs

You're miserable. Time to end things OP, he's not making an effort despite you very clearly telling him what the issue is. He can still be a good dad even if he's not living with you

Sorry to hear this. He spent care enough to communicate or make effort to fix things. It’s really affecting you now.
Start thinking of separating with him. Doesn’t have to be immediate but you cannot go on like this. Once you do you can ask for advice on next steps.

*care

Im not defending him but Could he actually be ill or have something thats really effecting him. I know you've tried discussing it a few times but maybe try texting or writing your feelings and ask him this way. I myself being a woman dont like discussing my feelings and find it easier when I've written what I want to say to my husband as I feel I can't express myself clearly but on paper it comes naturally as weird as that may sound. Xx