Still not having sex with DH, what to do?

[sadeyess]

I posted another thread a while ago but thought I might more responses on a new thread.

DH and I haven’t had sex since January (I was 4/5 months pregnant). Our baby is now 5 months and sleeps well. I have done everything night related with db, dh hardly lost any sleep. Just adding that in case tiredness is brought up- it isn’t an issue for dh. I have told dh about 6 times now, although three times were very recent, how this is affecting me and making me feel. At first (seven months ago) he said he’d go to the doctor and try to get something to help etc. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t. I’ve attempted to initiate things and he’s been very happy to receive oral but not touch me or be intimate with me. I’m at my wits end, the last two days I’ve been noticeably been very down/depressed and he asked me today why; I told him and now he’s in a mood with me. He’s not attempting to resolve this and is very happy for me to pleasure him but not vice versa. What do I do? I fear for our relationship if this continues for much longer. What did people in this situation do and how did it end up? Thank you so much to any replies.

Maybe he’s worried you’ll still be sore, maybe he’s worried it’ll feel different or maybe he’s worried it’s too soon and you are only asking for sex because that’s what he thinks you think it’s what he wants?

let’s be honest, if this was the other way around ( and this isn’t aimed at you OP in any way) there would be uproar here and calling him an insensitive sex pest. You only have to look back at these threads to see how little sex is on the table during the first 6 months of a newborn.

I would stop initiating, stop giving him oral and let him decide if and when he wants to start having sex again. If nothing changes, , then see a therapist together, if he refuses then you need to decide if you want a sexless relationship.

Boundaries aren't something you impose on someone else, Boundaries are about what your own personal line is. Forcing someone to go to the doctor when they don't want to is not a boundary.

Not giving oral if you get zero in return is your own boundary. You choose to stop doing that if it doesn't get reciprocated. Him refusing to discuss it with you openly is his boundary.

Your boundary could be that you wouldn't want to be married to someone who doesn't take their health seriously.

This is in reply to an earlier comment by the way.

The birth/recovery was fine. Money is fine. Everything is fine apart from this. @Dolphinrocki absolutely agree with the point you’re making and I just want to be clear that it’s actually more the connection it creates between us than it is the feel; it creates a great bond which we currently didn’t have and I want back. I also don’t think he will decide he wants to again. He’d also never do therapy.

I also want to be clear that I’ve never asked for sex when we’re in bed, or complained when it hasn’t happened etc. When I’ve ended up giving him oral, we’d been kissing a bit in bed and he’s pushed (not aggressively or anything) my head down and I thought that it was foreplay to other things. I was wrong.

I think you need to write him a letter. Telling him how good he makes you feel when you make love. That you feel he doesn't love you anymore because he doesn't want to make you feel good about yourself. That you can't/won't be deprived much longer and he either deals with his issue or you will consider relationship not important to him so be ending it. Make it clear you can't live like thisuch longer because it's not fair. If he wants to live a celebate life then he needs to own that and let you move on.

100% this , if he doesn’t want sex - then that’s his choice and his choice alone- women are told exactly the same thing

the bigger issue here is the breaking down of the emotional bonds in the relationship- that’s what needs to be addressed- also agree with others that it’s probably not a physical issue

Read that back to yourself. Hes only concerned about his own pleasure!!!

It’d really help me put things into perspective if people could tell me how this would affect them/how they would feel.

Omg - any man that pushed my head down would be out the door - gross

you don’t seem to be figuring for him at all

@Doggielovecharlottei don’t understand your comment, could you explain ‘figuring’?

Figuring sorry!

Figuring means he isn't considering you at all, you don't figure in his bedroom pleasure, it is all about him, never you. Selfish basically.

It would be devastating for me to have no sex. But then Dh would never just push my head toward his groin area, We would ask.

Do you think he doesn't like your pregnant body if this started when you were 4/5 months pregnant and now your and postpartum body? He wouldn't want to tell you that would he because you would be hurt and probably feel pressured to lose the baby weight.

How would you respond if he said that aloud? My friend's boobs go rock hard when she is due on and her Dh admitted a very long time ago that they don't feel like her breasts and it freaks him out a bit, they look pretty much the same but feel different. Now they are very open with each other so she gets it but it still hurts a bit to be told that. Especially when her breasts are such a huge part of her turn on.

Isn't that generally when their partners don't want to be intimate though?

Personally, I probably wouldn't even notice. But then sex has never been a big deal to me.

Like you are not figuring to him as partner he needs to engage with and value as to how to a contribute to your experience and experience together

Stop pleasuring him for a start.

He sounds unbelievably selfish. No easy could he think that you'd be completely satisfied just giving him oral...m bit of you thought it was foreplay why did you not do and suggest other stuff?
Are you frightened of him in any way? Or of his reactions?

But he does want sex. He wants oral sex one way only. This isn’t at all the same as a man demanding sex of a woman. This is a man who wants to be pleasured without giving anything back.

He sounds disgusting. I would send him packing. Pushing your head down. Gross.

Not to give him too much benefit of the doubt, but is it possible he’s afraid you’ll get pregnant again too soon?

I only say this because I had my first 11 weeks ago and my husband is nervous even though I’m back on the pill because now that he knows I can get pregnant he’s terrified it'll happen again before we’re ready (even though it took five months the first time!). He’s asking if we should go back to using condoms as well as the pill like we did when we were young and broke and a pregnancy would’ve been a disaster 😅

My husband was like this. It wasn't until I lost all the baby weight and then some that he was interested again, and I mean even when pregnant I wasn't at a overweight BMI and I only gained 10kg. When I got super skinny again he wanted it again. This has been an ongoing problem for us especially because he himself is overweight and has been obese. Some men are sexually shallow. These same men eventually show their colours as selfish, self absorbed and controlling. It made me feel like absolute shit and triggered a borderline ED.

Honestly, just stop, he’s not reciprocating anything, don’t allow him to behave like this.

I’m not sure you can fix this if he’s not engaging apart from to push your head down to get oral, thats not intimacy and connection. He’s giving me the ick from here. Not surprised the first wife left.

this happened to me once in a previous relationship. it destroyed me my confidence and eventually the relationship. women were made to want to feel desired in my book when the man doesn’t want the women they are either a few things.. weight gain or not attracted to the woman for some reason, checked out mentally or an affair. either way stop initiating and take back control he is neglecting u on your needs and the relationship.
he needs to wise up if he wants to keep u , u dont have to live a life of rejection. if he cant see if he is hurting you and can’t even give you the decency of admitting the issue hes got zero respect for u.
stop being nicey nicey and realise what he’s doing to you.

How was your birth ? Even though mine were plain sailing my partner eventually admitted he was scared he was going to hurt me