What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

A diagnosis from a qualified psychiatrist, though, could go a long way to getting him on the correct medication (maybe they need re-evaluating anyway) and (if) ADHD is diagnosed, the medication would help with a lot of his problems. It would most certainly mean an expert would see through his bombastic nature, his haughty demeanour and unrealistic dreams. A letter from you prior to the appointment would help.

Hopefully it would signpost him to other support. And detailed medical notes would definitely support any PIP application.

I do understand though, that the immovable mountain that is your brother has to actually go there first! Can you sell it to him from the financial angle?

Ok. There are several things at play.

You cannot change him. You know that. You cannot get him services that don’t exist, or that he won’t accept. You have tried everything. He is not going to suddenly understand.

You have to remember the impact of his communication issues, even though you know him really well and think you are communicating well with him, you probably aren’t.

He sounds as though he knows he is right, and therefore everyone else is wrong. That makes him indifferent to advice or coaching.

All you can do is manage your own situation, where it is impacted by him.
When He asks if he can borrow money, you too can be like Ariston. Just say no. Don’t explain. Just say no. If he asks why not, ‘I haven’t got enough.’

Only work with him, or make suggestions, when he actually asks for it. He may need to feel the failure to be ready to ask how to avoid it.

If that means he gets ill, then so be it. It won’t be your fault, it will be a consequence of his condition.

All you can do is manage your own situation, where it is impacted by him, and help him appropriately when he asks for it- not give him money, but help him access resources or learn new skills when he asks for it.

He is an adult. He is making choices, albeit unwise ones that he doesn’t fully appreciate.

Actually telling him there may be a better medication that will really help, if he fits the diagnosis, may be the way to do.

Yes, and the codeine addiction would hopefully be addressed as the correct meds start working (he obviously doesn’t need to know that either though!)

But a nursing degree is largely done 'on the job'. He'll have been on the wards and been assessed on his performance. So communication with colleagues and patients, being on time, managing shifts being reliable, being cooperative... All the things you say he can't do, would have been necessary for him to qualify. So I was thinking the same thing as that previous poster. My daughter is a nurse and her degree was far from your average kind of studying and assessment that an autistic student would be able to get away with.

I'm not disbelieving you, and I have huge sympathy for you. But surely him doing a vocational degree like that must demonstrate that under some circumstances he was able to hold it together?

@PrizedPickledPopcorn i really don’t need advice in how to say no

@breezyyy I honestly don’t think anything’s going to sort the addiction issues. It’s worth a shot but I don’t think he can’t keep thinking be medicated and made to be ‘normal.’

@saraclara i’m going to be a bit rude now - how do I know? All I know is he can’t hold it together now. When he did his nursing degree he was living with my dad, he was a lot younger, he was not as deeply addicted. There were numerous issues and problems I do know that. But how is it helpful going back twenty years and saying well if he could do it then … Twenty years ago I could get into size 10 Miss Selfridge jeans. Shit changes.

He does sound a lot like my relative, whose thinking seems to have got more rigid with age, and whose presentation of himself might have been acceptable in his 20s but not in his 60s.

What would happen if you just sat down with him and a computer and said, right, let's fill in these PIP forms now?

I feel for you, it's so hard. And I get why you can't walk away.

I agree @Allthesnowallthetime it’s painfully unfair that ifoundasock has to deal with this burden alone. Life really sucks for some of us,

I’m wondering if OP could fill the forms in herself for her brother. She has more insight than him after all,

You know, you are pretty rude to people who have given their time and thoughts to suggest other ways of viewing things. You seem to have some very fixed ways of thinking, yourself.

At one point I went back to your very first post to see what exactly you had asked for help with, as you’d told so many people they weren’t saying anything helpful.

I won’t trouble you again with answers that aren’t what you want to hear, and genuinely hope someone has a magic solution for you, as all the sensible ones are apparently no good.

If you feel I am being rude I obviously regret that but you have been really condescending towards me and keep twisting the thread to be something I don’t want to talk about. So I do think it would be best if you moved on.

One of the problems is I don’t even know if he’d get PIP! I’ve obviously not done a very good job of explaining what he’s like here so I don’t trust myself to do it online.

I guess it is an insolvable problem to a large extent!

Can you try something from this link?

https://www.google.com/search?q=how+do+i+get+a+social+worker+for+help+with+my+brother+47+year+old&client=safari&sca_esv=d124881140f2a97d&biw=1180&bih=684&ei=TZQkafOiDPCBhbIP1offmQQ&oq=how+do+i+het+a+social+worker+for+help+with+my+brother+47%C2%A0&gs_lp=Egxnd3Mtd2l6LXNlcnAiOmhvdyBkbyBpIGhldCBhIHNvY2lhbCB3b3JrZXIgZm9yIGhlbHAgd2l0aCBteSBicm90aGVyIDQ3wqAqAggCMgcQIRigARgKMgcQIRigARgKMgcQIRigARgKSIaqAVCkB1jLmQFwA3gAkAEAmAGJAaAB0CiqAQQ1MS44uAEByAEA-AEBmAI-oAKjLagCCsICEBAAGAMYtAIY6gIYjwHYAQHCAhAQLhgDGLQCGOoCGI8B2AEBwgILEAAYgAQYsQMYgwHCAg4QABiABBixAxiDARiKBcICERAuGIAEGLEDGNEDGIMBGMcBwgILEC4YgAQY0QMYxwHCAggQABiABBixA8ICCxAAGIAEGJECGIoFwgIKEAAYgAQYQxiKBcICCxAuGIAEGLEDGNQCwgIFEAAYgATCAgQQABgDwgIGEAAYAxgKwgILEAAYgAQYsQMYigXCAgsQLhiABBixAxiKBcICBRAuGIAEwgIJEAAYgAQYChgLwgIJEC4YgAQYChgLwgIHEAAYgAQYDcICBhAAGBYYHsICBhAAGA0YHsICCBAAGAgYDRgewgILEAAYgAQYhgMYigXCAggQABiABBiiBMICBBAhGAqYAwfxBQ-X2p0FDkBAugYECAEYCpIHBTM3LjI1oAelrgSyBwUzNC4yNbgHjC3CBwkwLjMuNDUuMTTIB-4C&sclient=gws-wiz-serp

He won’t be eligible for a social worker and wouldn’t accept that, unfortunately.

Realistically the absolute most we can hope for is some sort of benefit that isn’t conditional on certain criteria (eg searching for work) and for that to support him. Some form of support from me is always going to be necessary and while that’s not ideal it’s … just how it has to be. But it’s finances that are my major, major worry.

Then it has to be taking a shot at PIP. You can get some guidance regarding form filling here: www.benefitsandwork.co.uk
There a fee to pay for membership but then you get access to all the forms (also downloadable). I will try to find out the cost of the fee - one off payment.

Be prepared for quite a bit of reading, it might seem overwhelming but you will only have to fill the forms in once so you need as much ammunition as you can get.

You could also try calling your local council to see if there are any allowances for your brother. Did you say the single person council tax was sorted?

By the way, the CAB have personnel who can help you with the forms, they will definitely know their way around them so absolutely worth contacting them.

I’ll definitely try for PIP. Just not sure he’s eligible. Worth a shot but the whole ‘well he can qualify as a nurse so …’ stuff is kind of relevant here; he has qualifications coming out of his ears but can’t get a haircut!

The one off payment at benefits and work is £19.95 for the year. They also have a forum.

That’s why you need help knowing how to explain that on the forms. It’s nuanced for sure! You can’t do this alone so please be prepared to ask for help.

Ps, make copious notes prior to seeing someone at the CAB. His addiction, everything that makes it difficult for him to navigate life. And work.

Thanks - I’ll make sure I do!

Good luck! And I wish you and your brother the best.

Thanks.
Even though the office stuff is so easy for me, I am so easily distracted by everything especially myself that Access To Work (who are run by Reed) who assessed me for the grant, have got me 1:1 support, loop ear plugs and Bose wireless headphones to drown out any background noise 😯🤣🤭 that does concern me somewhat as I am bound to have conversations with myself in my head and that's no always a good thing but I am so grateful to this charity for helping me still be myself and hopefully try and reign in my impulsivity and need to have to look around and talk to everyone

It sounds like you’ve got your coping skills down to a fine art. Great stuff!

Agree . I'm amazed people have actually continued to try to be so helpful tbh.

Apply for PIP
You can be his appointee if he will not claim
He can work or not work

But they aren’t being helpful 🤷‍♀️ and those sort of replies certainly aren’t. It’s hard sometimes keeping threads like this on topic as people do fixate on the sort of ‘well you need boundaries’ but when you say on page one ‘leaving him to it is not an option and if you can’t see this then this thread isn’t for you’ and then people pompously tell you OK … say no … what am I supposed to say? Respond with slavish gratitude for their remarkable insight and perception?