What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

Is he actually diagnosed?

Is he definitely getting single occupants' discount? I say this because one of my relatives got into debt on council tax and it turned out she wasn't claiming her 25% discount.

He gets the single person discount but he ignored the bills for months so now it’s loads.

No, he isn’t diagnosed. I keep telling him to get a diagnosis, at least start the process and he nods and agrees then doesn’t.

lol

having a brother with similar traits to those of the OP, I feel that VoltaireMitty, manicpixie and Blueskycat have very good advice.

perhaps if he thinks that in 6 to 12 months he’ll get back on his feet perhaps you can go with that and suggest PIP will help pay for things he needs for the new job such as transport clothes or his subscriptions etc. he might be very sensitive to any suggestions that his life will never involve sustained full time employment. Perhaps he would appreciate he might have more workplace protections if his disabilities are registered?

it could be very hard for him if his peers are settled with families and careers.

my personal experience is that when my brother can see the advantage to him he is more likely to do something. At university he was quite happy to declare his disability because he got given a laptop much better than one he could otherwise afford and didn’t perceive it as ‘benefits’.

You might have to book the appointment and take him and support him through it.

I think you are over stepping your role as sister into carer, which is your call but not one I would make with 2 DCs of my own.

you haven’t answered the persons who have asked about social workers. His home sounds like significant health risk and risk to self. Self neglect to the point of harm, that is enough for him to be allocated a SW, but not so long as you pick up the slack. You need to firm up, refer to ASC that he is vulnerable and disabled and needs support that you aren’t going to give and have struggled before, not really succeeding putting him still at risk. You need to step back and extract yourself, back to sister. Chats, coffees, lunches out, meeting your DCs. But you need to get ASC to pick this up.

You might need to decide how much you are willing to do and try not to do more than that otherwise your life could get completely as by it. It is a very difficult situation

Hi OP.
I understand. Im a very similar boat. There’s a
difference in layout (my brother isn’t an addict) but all else I relate to.
I commend you for caring. And you’ll be thinking ‘I have no choice’ .. and it’s brutal when you can’t really help
but are also the only one and ultimately know that they aren’t choosing this..
I deleted the rest of my message as I don’t have any advice. It’s been a process.. in his twenties I thought ‘maybe there is a chance..’ and then over the years the reality has become clearer. Though not clear enough to him. I don’t have constructive advice. But I get it.

I could have written this, just swap some facts around (including mental health issues). I’ve lost count of the courses he started but not finished, the amount of money I’ve given him over the years.

Totally agree that autism is at the root of it all. I believe the dependency (alcohol in my situation) is a way to deal with their inability to conform with social norms and be understood. Brain is wired in a completely different way and there is a total inability to understand the reality of the situation or understand that if they were able to change their behaviour, they might hold on to a job for more than a few months. I’ve realised he can’t actually control it.

For the sake of my own mental health I had to send him back to parents and cut him off financially a year ago. I worry that once they’re no longer here, it’s totally on me. Like you, I won’t just leave him to it. Every year you hope it’ll get better. It never does. I feel your pain x

Sorry if this has been covered op but has he claimed council tax reduction it’s different for each local authority but if he’s only receiving the basic uc then he should get quite a big reduction

Reading your thread with interest as I will be in your position fairly shortly. My DB is currently living with my very elderly and unwell mother. Once she has gone I am going to have to step up and look after him. He is undiagnosed as refuses to even consider a diagnosis of autism.

Just wishing you luck but I have no advice as have no idea what I’m going to do either. He won’t cope living on his own and can’t work ( gets sacked / let go) and no is in no state to work (I wouldn’t ever recommend anybody to employ him sadly).

Whaere in the long term do these unfortunate people brothers / relatives / sisters husbnds end up do they slip through and through and through we all know funding for ASC is minimal SW have 90 current cases each so is it nhs mental health or secure units or police or .... or ...... sorry state of affairs in 2025.

You know and this is kind of separate from the thread but just thinking out loud, there are so many invisible people.

When I had my second child in summer 2023, I suffered quite badly with sciatica in the run up to having her and also I had a toddler to care for … I don’t think I went to my brothers house from maybe march 23 to the February of the following year. And he really was living in Dickensian conditions, I wasn’t exaggerating in that earlier post.

You do adapt though and I think that’s what he did. He just stopped seeing it properly.

Some of these posts are actually really helpful as they have a level of understanding. It isn’t me and my poor boundaries. If I wanted to walk I could but then I have to live with that decision, and the results of that decision and at the moment that’s not something I’m comfortable with so I’m not.

But yes … my brother has had high quality intervention to help with his addiction and it doesn’t work because the root of it is you can’t medicate autism.

If hes beyond help. Like you say what's your next move ....? Some of these posts arent helping you at all.

This sounds so, so much snootier than I mean it to, but let me be the judge of that.

Some are actually extremely helpful, even if all they do is understand; you could say everything they do is understand.

If your DB won't see a need for change then helping him is going to be very difficult Op. Can you think of any way of making a big life change seem like his idea, rather than yours, because then he'd be much more likely to accept it - point out the advantages of not working - no annoying coworkers, more time for his own interests, not having to consider social conventions like time keeping, he could sleep when he needed to, anything that might make him reconsider the need to work. Sorry, it's not much help but as he's an adult with capacity there really isn't a way to force this, even though it would be for the best. I wish you much luck Op

My older brother is also autistic and sounds similar to yours though not as 'high functioning'. Luckily my parents are alive and, for now, able to provide care and financial support. There have still been many challenges eg he is highly vulnerable to scammers etc. If you haven't already, your first port of call is adult social services. It's really in the realm of adult safeguarding as you say his self neglect landed him in ITU? If you use that term they will direct you towards the right team and they can tell you exactly what support is available in his area. You should also look up your nearest autism support group. You just go to the NAS website then autism services directory and type in his post code. My brother luckily lives near a great branch with regular group meetings, financial support drop ins, carer drop ins and specialist therapists. You sound burnt out- please reach for support. Happy to be PMd. Well done for being a great sister but you can't do this alone.

@Minty25 Yes, that’s why I think that the OP should stop paying so that the council will suggest solutions, because he clearly isn’t willing to listen to @ifoundasock. He needs a third party ( the council, CAB, etc.) to make it clear to him that he needs to face the situation and apply for what’s entitled to.

@ifoundasock Non-payment of council tax does have serious penalties as @Thegreatbigzebraintheroom says. If it goes on for a while, he’ll receive a court summons and bailiffs could get involved if he refuses to sort it out.

The good news is that help is available so it can be sorted out. You not paying it will force him to take advantage of the available support.

I would try to encourage him to have an assessment if you can. Find out what his barriers are to it and try to sell it in a positive way. It's easier now through 'right to choose', assessment can even be online. My brother was also diagnosed late and it's been amazing for him. He's so much happier with who he is plus opened access to services and support that I'm not sure would have been possible without. Good luck! Will be in this boat at some point too.

Believe me, I have tried for so many years

Buried among the many posts, this one specific idea from @GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut looks really interesting:

" Can you couch everything as 'in the mean time' instead of 'that won't work, do this instead' ?"

Have you tried it ?

It may sound unkind but if he is capable of getting a job as a nurse, and is a qualified nurse, even if he has not succeeded in keeping a job then he should be able enough to sort his own life out. Maybe you just need to distance yourself a bit more and leave him to live his own life. I doubt if you will be able to change his way of thinking if he is as 'stuck' as you suggest.

I would do the paperwork with him. I have LPA for my mum although she currently doesn’t need it. It just means I can access her accounts should I need to and speak to health professionals should I want. It will support him to claim PIP if you have LPA.

You aren't his keeper. Of course you don't have to support him in any way. Did your parents expect you to support him growing up? If so, I would look into some form of therapy just for you.