What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

I don't think you can get him to understand your point of view if he is resistant to it or defensive. Especially as he has autism. Maybe adjust your expectations of him considering he has little self reflection.

I get that but as it is there’s no real plan and there needs to be.

Other than autism diagnosis is he receiving any psychiatric care? Does he have ADHD? OCD? Spending £300 on plants for the garden while having a broken toilet implies struggles with impulsive behaviours.

It sounds like you are looking for some sort of magic words that will make your brother realise something that should have been self evident for many years
Unfortunately they do not exist so if you do want to help him make changes you will have to think of something else - such as a short sharp shock

I am unsure how you persuade him to get to the jobcentre but jobcentres will not write him off. Lots of people are currently being refused limited capability to work and work related activities due to neurodivergence. The outcome is ‘they can do something.’ The process will be gain a fit note, after day 29 of fit notes a referral will be made for a work capability assessment. Questionnaire sent out to be filled out. Then your brother will need to wait for an assessment (this can take up to a year) - fit notes will need to be provided up until then assessment and he will need to attend appointments every two weeks at the jobcentre. The jobcentre will work with him to access well-being courses, neurodivergent support and to upskill in perhaps IT. He would need to wait for the outcome of his assessment - three possible outcomes - fit for work, limited capability for work (so work prep activities aiming to move him back into work) or no work or work-related activities - this is not forever though and is reassessed. The gov are really trying to invest in getting more people with disabilities back into employment. Good site to look at - ambitious about autism. What your brother is experiencing is not unique - it can be heartbreaking and hard work - for him and you.

I know there aren’t magic words @Hoppinggreen but I have resolved to be a little more honest and dare I say brutal. I need to somehow get the balance between honesty and sending him spiralling into absolute despair.

It isn’t really a jobcentre situation @Bilbo63 . There’s not really anything he could do because he can’t follow instructions or keep time or anything really. He also doesn’t sleep. But I’m not sure if the government will see it like that. The problem is he’ll downplay anything as well because he thinks he can be a doctor <eye roll>

@Apileofballyhoo i don’t know - I definitely would not say he had OCD though!

Trust me - work coaches will be used to all of this. If he is to get benefits - it will be a jobcentre situation - that is how he accesses them - other than PIP.

He is obviously very vulnerable from what you have written here. Does he have a Social Worker? Unfortunately if he has the capacity to be choosing to live in these circumstances then there is not much you can do but offer the help you feel able to cope with. It is really hard to believe (and not saying it is not true) that he has the skill and knowledge to Nurse, it is no wonder he keeps losing his job which isn't a bad thing given he will be looking after vulnerable people.

I think he does need to claim PIP. I know what you mean about they’ve seen it all before but equally he is unfortunately one of a kind!

"I need to really get him to accept he’s going to be reliant on benefits, lonely and struggling for the rest of his life"

In the kindest possible way OP, you must be super burnt out to say this. Nobody needs to be told that.

The circumstances you describe - the cold, the broken toilet and so on, would possibly come under a safeguarding concern. Can you involve the local services? Is the situation still as you describe? It may come under severe self neglect and warrant a MHA assessment, I don't know. Is there a local safeguarding phone line?

I took my DS to the job centre and explained to the work coach why I needed to be there. I made sure he turned up and looked smart.
You can't believe how low the bar is that these two things alone made him special and they helped him a lot with training and so on.
He got his ideal job and has worked ever since. He doesn't need me now.
I know everyone on the spectrum is different. My point is that to begin with, the agency might have to come from you.

Hello, I read your post and I felt compelled to reply because my friend in her 70s has a son age 45 who sounds exactly like your brother. Honestly, mirror image.

He is addicted to caffeine pills and I don’t think anything else. But all of the rest exactly matches. Undiagnosed autism. thinks himself very intelligent. Hasn’t been able to hold down a job. When you meet him clearly has various autistic traits.

I think she’s getting tired of bailing him out. He’s been between jobs for about 18 months to 2 years. I have known her for about a decade and I think he’s been through four jobs. He ends up getting dismissed or leaving for doing something clumsy, but I never quite believe his version of events. He then has about a year of no job, then finds another one.

he doesn’t have many friends, because he thinks he is so much more intelligent than everyone, and in essence he thinks he is better than everyone. My friend wonders what’s gonna happen to him when she’s gone.

I don’t have any solutions I just wanted you to know that you aren’t the only one facing this problem. I think perhaps have a meeting with your brother and your husband for example, to explain that not only do you feel responsible for him, but you would like him to start acting sensibly and realistically.

I know my son‘s friend has this pipe dream the when he sorts himself out and gets a wife he’ll suddenly become a millionaire. But hes age 45 and he’s never held down a job, & to my knowledge never really had a girlfriend.

I’m not quite sure from the thread if he is a nurse but if he is on the register he can refer himself here
https://www.practitionerhealth.nhs.uk
neurodiversity and addiction to codeine is pretty common in healthcare professionals

I think you should call family anonymous helpline for families of addicts. He is in denial amd you do need some boundaries.
I have a family member who is in medicine who has severe aspergers. He is brillant with his job.
I think the addiction and maybe some kind of bpd is more of an issue than you think

Yes but your ds was willing to go with you so that alone suggests a different sort of person!

His living situation is better but still deteriorates. It took a lot of time and money to sort it out, it really did.

@Merseymum1980 the addiction is an issue; of course it it. But even if you took the addiction away tomorrow he wouldn’t be able to function. He doesn’t see this so blames everything on the addiction so he thinks when he’s sorted that out (and he won’t sort that out) he’ll get married, be a doctor, have kids.

He’d never do that @ipredictariot5 and besides the addiction isn’t going to be solved, I’ve accepted this but he can’t.

unfortunately @KindnessIsKey123 if if was as simple as a meeting asking him to be a bit more considerate well, none of us would be here 😂

@Bellsbeachwaves i think he does need to be told it. He just doesn’t understand at all the reality of his situation.

Are you supporting him financially, OP? And can't do it any more, but he won't accept that?

It is really difficult. Have a similar family member (BIL), in his 60s and am scared that he becomes our responsibility when his remaining parent dies.

It’s not that he won’t accept it, it’s more that he will literally be left in a freezing flat with no food or anything. He has UC but he can’t live off that for the rest of his life. That’s why I need a long term plan to work out what we do next.

Do you have LPA? I'm assuming not

no and realistically unlikely to get it; he has capacity from a legal standpoint.

My autistic son is 26 and has qualifications but also recently came out of prison. I support him in that in his appointee for benefits as he can’t navigate the system. But he is very much on his own, in a flat that we pay a mortgage on and I use part of his PIP to cover the mortgage and his brother lives with him and pays an equal amount to cover the other half. They split bills. The flat will eventually be left to them both. But other than that it’s on him to budget his money and make it last through the month. At the very most I may pay a bit towards gas and electric in the depths of winter but they tick along just fine. He’s not been left at the mercy of social services and I actively encourage him into training and probation things etc. I am still his mum but I’m not actively parenting him or pandering to him. I don’t understand why you are for your brother?

Also you CAN get as involved via the enablement team. I did it for my son and they came out every week to help him learn to manage. He’s doing fine.

But the op has said that she can't actively do this for her brother cos he won't engage at all so a very difficult situation.

Would he meet the threshold for supported accommodation? The more support he has the better his chances at maintaining some semblance of independence, it's difficult to balance expectations and agency input but worth it if you can get it right.

I don’t understand what you think is so vastly different in what you’re doing and what I’m doing. Maybe you’d like to explain further.

No, he’s not that severe I wouldn’t say. And plus he does have somewhere to live. He’d never be amenable to it anyway!