What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

I think you might get somewhere by not presenting it to your brother as a long term solution but as a strategy for now, whilst he sorts the codeine addiction out. You might know it's long term but he doesn't have to accept that to go with it short term.

It's worth him looking at supported employment as a strategy to help him keep the next 'proper' job.

The drugs service might offer family support and might themselves have links with organisations offering supported employment.

https://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk is a good place to start re helping him claim PIP + getting an assessment for the health bit of universal credit / support group for ESA

It’s so frustrating when people think it’s as formulaic as ‘he can do X; therefore he can do Y’ without accounting for anything else.

He’s got worse with age. I think part of it is because he’s become so isolated so has lost a lot of the masking skills he once had. And also, people tend to award more leeway to younger people: they can be forgiven for being a bit gauche and unpolished. What people tolerate in a young man of twenty isn’t tolerated in a man who is nearly fifty!

I wasn't trying to upset you ..sorry if I did
I was trying to explain that it may not be as easy as you think to get him on benefits.
As much as the tabloids would have us believe otherwise,they really are quite difficult to access .
But if you could get a social worker on side ,that would probably be the first step.
Is he job hunting at the moment or between jobs or taking a break from the current one

If he isn't claiming pip ..you could do that form for him and claim carers allowance for yourself for all you do for him .

OP, I think you might just need to upset him and be ready for the fallout. When NT people talk to eachother it’s a bit of a 80% of truth, especially with the hard stuff, and you all get it. You say that 80% to autistic person we take it as 100% - unless you’re extremely harsh for NT sensibilities- he won’t get it. Will he get upset and dysregulated? Highly likely but to some extent- who wouldn’t, autistics are just more RAA at expressing it, especially if they never got support with their regulation.
To me he sounds quite severe, but if he’ll mask for any assessment he won’t be given the support.
A few avenues to explore-see if there are local autism support groups and chat with them if they do any outreach. Look for any unpaid carers charities ideally local to you for support and help for yourself and guidance about more support for your brother. If you want him to apply for benefits- you will likely need to do it for him, GP for any assessments you’ll need to do it and go with him, etc. It’s a really really tough spot to be in- sending you strength.

Goodness. I was going to write something similar to Yankee dad. I understand your reply to their post too. Considering everything you've written I wonder if that very honest conversation would land at all with your brother, even if repeated many times. The very very sad reality may be that he will never understand. And that's not your fault, it's not about whether you are bad at explaining it. There may not be anyone in the world who could successfully explain it to your brother, as he lives in an alternative reality. I completely understand why you can't walk away. This situation seems impossible. I'm so sorry.

Professional understanding of capacity and its application in practice is evolving - it is not simply about knowing who the prime minister is or what day of the week it is.

Often in assessment people say the right things… yes I need to do that… but if they repeatedly don’t follow through on things that are essential to them living safely then whomever is assessing their capacity should be questioning their executive functioning.

There is a difference between making unwise decisions and not having the capabilities (for whatever reason) to follow through on their plans and intentions.

Try googling executive functioning and mental capacity… and then executive functioning and autism.

I would try speaking to a social worker or similar who works with neurodiverse individuals to see what help may be available…

As way in, I would support him to apply for PIP 'whilst he deals with his addiction' if that is what he attributes his problems to.
Does he accept he has autism?

OP I believe you can claim PIP on his behalf, as in fill the form out for him. He would need to have an assessment but again you can advocate that he needs an appointed person (you) to support during that assessment.
It's hard to give ideas on how to get him to understand he needs to stop working without knowing him, I do believe your posts that he can't work and the addiction is trying to fight his own brain wiring.
Is he a logical thinker, lacking emotion or does he understand emotions? If he is understanding of emotions but logical too, have a frank conversation about what happens if you die? And realistically do you have anyone else who can support him? Can he go into supported accomodation? If he can't keep up with hygiene, basic living conditions and feeding himself then he does lack full capacity to live alone but you'd find this tricky to prove with a one off assessment.
If he's logical, find a logical way to explain why he needs benefits. He must like something, what does he like? What would he miss without money?
He might find without the pressure of trying to keep his pride and work, that his addiction eases as he's got less to fight against his brain for.

I'm sorry your having this struggle, you sound like a very compassionate and understanding sister.

Perhaps ask Mencap for advice,.l believe that they are very helpful.
Has your brother got a social worker who could try to explain the reality of the situation to him.

Apologies if I’ve missed something as haven’t read the whole thread, but as someone with Autism I really think the best way to tell him is just to directly say that you can’t afford to continue supporting him and that he should apply for benefits/PIP. Maybe show him the PIP criteria or one of the online PIP entitlement screening quiz things and he might realise that he does meet criteria. Obviously you know the situation better than I do, but I do really question how he could complete a nursing course without being able to function that well. There’s many hours of placements and nurses do not like signing off on someone they don’t think is competent. Perhaps he hasn’t found the right job yet? I am a nurse with autism and there’s many roles that I would absolutely not do well at.

NOT read all thread but it surely stands to any logic that DB needs to move into Assisted Living accommodation asap?
It seems that's all there is for him? Can he start to visit them and he might get like the idea?
Also if he is renting - how long will his landlord tolerate him?

I am really sorry for your situation, it must be very hard for you to cope. It's your brother and you can't let him starve or freeze to death as some posters advise you to,.it's not his fault if he's disabled.
Can you get some advice from CAB as to what benefits he might be entitled to and possibly a social worker to have a word with him as to the reality of the situation.

It sounds like he needs someone to be an Appointee to apply for support and manage it on his behalf, but as you say if he doesn’t acknowledge some of the issues, I’m not sure how it would even start.
From what you’ve said it does sound as if PIP might be a possibility around the finance/ communication/ ability to prepare and cook meals/ budgeting functions but it is increasingly difficult to achieve and could be an 18 month journey if it went all the way to tribunal, and again, someone needs to apply for it.
I wonder if the starting point is Citizen’s Advice - which again probably has a waiting list - to see what options might exist.
I’m so sorry I don’t have any firm ideas but I do hear you, how much you’re probably wanting/ feeling the responsibility to help, and I can empathise a bit.

Surely there is some work he could do and stick at, like working as an agency cleaner? He's not destined to rely solely on benefits? I appreciate it sounds like he isn't going to accept that he has to get a more menial job.

Op, you really do sound like a total
star of a sister. I really feel for you.

I would address it with him as a ‘short-term’ plan of getting his finances sorted. No need to even let on that you think it’s a long term plan. Just let him believe he’s going to be a Dr if needs be, he’ll work it out for himself in time that he’s not. Just apply for any financial help for now but keep everything open ended when speaking to him ‘let’s just sort more money out for you for now, then you can pick your plan up once that’s sorted’ type thing. Otherwise, he’ll be overwhelmed and won’t cooperate.

Op I actually don't know the answer but wanted to reply and say HUGE empathy to you because I have a very very similar close relative - who I love and care for who I'd say is probably functioning slightly above what you are describing here - in that this person holds down a job probably for a year, sometimes longer, and then gets family help in the interim periods.

I don't know what the answer is other than just keep telling him the truth - and accept you will be supporting him for life

Many homeless people are neurodiverse - the reality is without HUGe support many people like your brother fall through the cracks of life

you are a wonderful sister and its a terrible and difficult situation.

I would probably start with local autism support groups and see if you can find people who have been in similar situations to talk to

as people on here are commenting despite not having the faintest clue what you are going through.

@MarthaBeach the issue is that for many neurodiverse people - and clearly for this man - the very 'holding down' of a job is impossible over long periods. The absolutely basic skills required, the focus, the reliability - the cognitive understanding that they have to stick at this and can't wander off, change their mind - a realistic appraisal of their situation - simply are not there for them.

We now have a lot of people in very competitive and powerful jobs talking about autism being a superpower - which unfortunately has 'glossed over' the reality of how autism can impact an individual (one of my children and several of my relatives are autistic)

It might be worth starting here - diagnosis. He seems open to it, so that's something. Maybe direct your energy there. It would be useful for PIP too I expect.

Also, it may not be autism, or it may be combined with something else. Maybe ADHD - addiction is a symptom of that, as may be the timekeeping (I know everyone is different and has different traits). ADHD can be medicated, if he has that and that route can work for him.

But, either way, I agree he sounds like he won't manage to get and hold down a job.

What does he do all day?

It might be worth a medication review to help him manage the autism.

Could he look at voluntary work in an area of interest? He can still live a meaningful and fulfilling life

Yes - and loads of very high-functioning people on SM talking about their autism or ADHD and making it sound like they're just amusingly eccentric. I have an autistic adult child who will almost certainly never be fully independent and earning a living, and this rosy view, lapped up by thousands of followers, infuriates me. It no doubt contributes to the way MPs and the like think that well groomed, articulate, capable people with good jobs are claiming to be disabled and receiving benefits.

Sorry, this is on the wrong thread. I have asked for it to be removed.

OP - just start the PIP claim for him. It doesn't have to be filled out by the person claiming. I have full capacity and all my benefits are paid directly to me, but I've only filled out my claim form once out of 8 times personally.

You don't need to be an appointee to fill it out for him. I really struggled with the form as it's very hard to sit and write page after page detailing your own failures and shortcomings so it may be best if you just bypassed that part entirely and did it without him.

He'd need to co-operate for the assessment but you can attend that with him too. It's usually easier to come to terms with a plan that is already in motion with the hard parts done, than to convince them to start. The task seems monumentally huge and overwhelming when you first start looking at the claim process so skipping that bit may help a lot.

Once he does have the income sorted he should be able to live comfortably. I'm on disability benefits for life too and while I'm poor I do feel happy about my quality of life.

Maybe set up a second bank account for him, one where his benefits are paid into and all bills are automatically paid from it, and a second one where some leftover money is transferred each week and that's his spending money. That way if he gets impulsive he's only blowing a weeks disposable income and not the money for his bills.