What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

Agree PIP could be attempted but would definitely need help from a specialized charity such as the Autism society. I successfully help people with PIP forms all the time but feel I would struggle with this one. I think a lot of medical evidence and hopefully a proper diagnosis would be key to a successful claim.

I do get that, but it really seems that's something he can't do, rather than won't. It also seems he can't accept he's not going to get the high flying job, so there no point upsetting him by trying to get him to understand. Use it as a carrot instead.

So my suggestion is get as many things in place as you can, effectively by stealth by it being done as a step in the direction for whatever it is he's aiming for, so he's hopefully more open to whatever you're trying for.

Things like applying for PIP for now while he looks for a job. Let's set up the bills on direct debits so you don't have to think about it bro. (Maybe even a second account just for bills with a standing order to another one that he can spend from so he doesn't spend the bill money?) If he does get PIP - A cleaner or taking laundry to the laundrette for a service wash? A supermarket order delivering the same things each week? I appreciate these things cost money and the budget might not be there. I'm sort of thinking automate or outsource everything possible so he doesn't have to be responsible for remembering or doing. All in the guise of giving him more time to do whatever it is he wants to, not because he can't do it, because he won't admit that is the case and will then resist to 'show you' he can do it.

There’s no way we could afford a cleaner, even if he is awarded PIP, and I do have my doubts tbh.

And I mean time is the thing he has loads of but still gets nothing done. Today he has to get his P45 from last job because we need it to claim the council tax benefit. Has he done it? Nope. And I can’t do it for him. So … I have to wait for him. In the meantime I’m paying the bill.

And yes I know I don’t have to … it’s a choice but it doesn’t feel like a choice tbh.

Have you got a pen and paper to hand? Start writing these things down as they happen. Build on your record.

Try not to lose heart, I think you will do ok.

@ifoundasock If you stop paying the council tax, he’ll be contacted and support will be offered- your generosity is ensuring that he doesn’t access it.

With PIP there are key phrases you’ll need to keep using; it’s about can he consistently do x, can he do y without support or assistance.
Contact Age UK (they don’t just help the elderly) and ask them for the full criteria for PIP - there are the questions the DWP ask and then behind those there is more detail around what they’re looking for, it helps a lot to have the complete picture from the start!

In our area Age Uk is only for over 50's. I guess it may be different for other areas or for their carer services which op could access as a carer.

And in the real world, bailiffs come round.

I really think you must be so so naive. It’s really not the case that if I refused to pay it the council would be bending over backwards to help him!

It does all feel a bit pointless. MN tends to be more aware of the nuances of special needs than most places and even so I am struggling, and then called rude and complained about at length when I try to explain. It’s so frustrating and disheartening.

Yes he could be taken to court pretty quickly for non payment of council tax. It's considered a priority debt and any advice budgeting service like CAB would say it should be a priority to pay council tax. It sounds like you are going to apply for council tax support and that can usually be backdated for three months so hopefully once sorted they will adjust his bill and he will have a lot less to pay going forward for the rest of the tax year.

Hi @ifoundasockI was a qualified staff nurse & had a good career for 8 years then I developed a serious mental illness so I had to leave the NMC Register on health grounds. It’s a nice way of giving up your professional registration. If your brother would ever agree to it.
I now work part time in a minimum wage job and to be honest I am even struggling with that with adjustments at present.
But I understand how your brother must feel in a way as when you are intelligent and have a lot of knowledge to share but can’t use your qualification it IS frustrating.
I too wonder if your brother may have ADHD as well as Autism. And if it’s the actual ADHD that needs medication. One of my friends is currently being diagnosed with both, my cousin’s son has both, and a friend’s son has both.
Regards PIP - a local disability charity helped me apply for mine.
I don’t get any other benefits.
I do live alone and I do struggle with daily tasks, possibly due to the negative symptoms of my illness? My sister has my debit card and puts money on a Revolut card for me. Also she helps me with housework if it gets overwhelming.
I can understand your brother thinking “things will improve in 6 months” and being unrealistic- I’m like that as I’m probably too optimistic about life!
I know I haven’t made any useful suggestions but I just wanted to say that I do understand the type of guy your brother is and can relate to you both in a way. Online it’s too easy to say set boundaries etc but it’s much much harder in reality.

I sought support from Age UK when completing BiL’s PIP tribunal paperwork and they told me they helped anyone over the age of 18 - that was pre-COVID.

I’m not trying to be unsupportive @ifoundasock, I’m saying that you need to do what @Minty25 advises and apply for council tax support, rather than keep struggling to pay it all yourself, because you simply can’t afford it.

You can’t go in as you currently are, can you, you’re going to run out of money. 💐

We have, or rather I have. But we’ve reached an impasse because I need his P45 and he is struggling to get it.

I apologise it's another thing for you but could you not contact the previous employer and say that you're doing this on behalf of your brother as he doesn't have the capacity right now to make the request but that you/he needs his P45?

Parents?

Have you considered reading the OPs posts?

I claimed PIP and got it first try, you must have a clear medical pathway for your brother,you will need your brothers medical records ,you can fill a form in at your surgery stating how far back you want to go, it will include any referrals that have been made,appointments and telephone appointments.Always use the word need and not want when filling in the form.You can also get help at C.A B. or certain charities have people to help and to make sure you but the right answers down.

@MusicMakesItAllBetter Or help him write an email requesting it?

I’ve also helped my elderly Dad make business phone calls and as long as he states that I’m present on the call and that he wants me to be on the call, it’s been fine.

I agree with trying to claim pip. I’m not sure if he is already claiming UC and if he has the health element which would follow an assessment. Citizens advice can help with all of this. As a general comment lots of people are on basic uc without being able to claim Pip and are expected to live on it even long term. It’s a pittance especially for a single person but that is the reality. Getting PIP and the health element of UC needs to be attempted now as some rules are definitely changing and others probably will so time is of the essence. OP for CA to help you either you would need to accompany your brother or possibly get him to sign to say you can act on his behalf, CA generally can only give advice to the person involved with a relative accompanying them. With regards to the P45 I would either ring when you have your brother with you or draft an email using his email address. However I’m not sure you can get a replacement P45 gov.uk says not. If it’s the council asking I would go back to ask how you can provide the needed information without one.
I am so sorry you have all this burden on your shoulders and I fully realise and respect that your brother may make doing these things very difficult or impossible but I am afraid form filling getting evidence etc is necessary. I wish you the very best.

Would he do a benefits for a while? I mean he is not going to get another job before Xmas. Then expand the time on benefits.

Are you sure there isn't another job he could do? Maybe say short term until he gets back on his feet (not that he will be) something that doesn't need interaction. Maybe delivery driver or post office?

Sorry you obviously know him better than I do.

I'm trying lol thanks x

Yes, I do my mum's admin and so long as she's there to say she consents, I do all the talking and sorting

@Lararoft did you claim your pension?

OP That might be a possibility for your brother, depending on how many years he has and I'm not up to date with more recent changes.

I haven’t claimed my pension no as I’m still working in a different (part time) job so I think I have to be 68? I need to contact the nhs pensions people and find out the options.