What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

What a difficult situation @ifoundasock💐

As he won’t discuss this and adult social services aren’t helping, I think what I’d do is stop paying his council tax. He’ll then start receiving notices and it’ll escalate quickly so he’ll have to address his financial situation by talking to Citizen’s Advice, for example.

I think this might be the only way to get him to face reality, plus if he’s deemed to not have the capacity to manage his finances, you may then be able to apply for LPA.

It sounds cruel but you can’t afford to pay his bills so something has to change.

It’s strange you didn’t recognise that someone can be asked a series of questions and if they answer them correctly they are deemed to have capacity, then. But I’m not here to argue whether he does or he doesn’t. Legally, he has full capacity, that’s all that’s relevant for the purposes of the thread.

I don’t want counselling and I can’t afford it anyway, or have time for it. But thank you.

If I dropped down dead tomorrow it wouldn’t matter because I would be dead. He lives in a flat he owns. He used to live in our late fathers’ house (which was trashed) we sold it and bought the flat. Seems OK so far.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn do bear in mind that it is in the interest of universities to pass students. Even so he had a number of problems. But honestly what is the point of me trying to remember and explain stuff that happened twenty to thirty years ago when I was a child myself?

@VoltaireMittyDream im really grateful you posted as you do actually understand and ‘get it’ to a point.

I have not RTFT, only the OP posts, but what strikes me is that you (OP) keep saying "I need to get him to understand XYZ", when the fundamental problem seems to be that he either CAN NOT or WILL NOT understand XYZ, and that is out of your control.

The only thing you can control is your own behaviour and attitude.

If you limit your solution set under consideration to those solutions that ONLY require you to change your behaviour, without any requirement for him to change his behaviour, then you will be looking those solutions that are actually within your reach. You may not like any of them - you may even hate all of them - but those are the only solutions available to you.

Broadly, the only two "solutions" you have outlined are:

1. continue helping him in whatever ways you can, without expecting him to necessarily understand or change anything at all about his own behaviour, and accept the frustration and sacrifices for you that come with that, OR

2. stop helping him, and accept that this may have dire consequences for him.

Both "solutions" completely suck, and I feel for you. But I am not sure anyone can magic up a third option for your brother.

The only possibly helpful thing I can think of to say is this:

THIS SITUATION IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND ALSO NOT YOUR REPONSIBILITY. And, you do have a clear responsibility to your own children and therefore to keep yourself well enough to be a good parent, even if meeting that responsibility requires letting your brother down.

Your brother's situation may not be anyone else's fault or responsibility either, but that does not make it yours.

That may be true @YankeeDad but I still need to have that very honest conversation with him. The thread isn’t about me. I’m Actually fine.

@ifoundasock I’d keep it very simple and say that you can’t continue to pay his council tax, end of. If he then says what am I going to do, suggest going to CAB to discuss options.

Have you read all of Op’s posts?

When he doesn’t sleep for nights and nights on end (highly due to autism/adhd/addiction), and doesn’t know what year it is let alone what day it is, do you really think he could hold down a job?

He can’t look after himself let alone hold down a job.

If he's on basic Uc as op says he is then he just needs to apply for council tax support and would get most of his council tax paid for him anyway ! It's a simple online application which I'm sure if he fell into arrears the council would suggest he apply for . maybe it just needs someone from the council to suggest this to him if he won't allow op to do it. If he was awarded PIP then he could also apply for severe mental impairment disregard on his council tax meaning he's pay nothing at all if living alone. There is lots of help out there for people. I appreciate in this case he just needs to agree to someone applying for these things for him. It would be good for him to have an independent advocate through the local authority that could act as his appointee.

You can ask him for a conversation. But you cannot make him agree to have the conversation. If you "need" him to agree to it then he has the power to ensure that your needs are not met..

And even if you "have the conversation", he may choose not to hear what you are saying, and he may disagree with everything you say. Again, if you "need" him to hear you and agree with you, then he has the power to ensure that your needs are not met.

By all means try, but if he refuses to have the conversation, or refuses to listen, or refuses to agree, then the only way to ensure your needs ARE met is to stop needing him to listen, and stop needing him to agree, and stop needing him to do anything specific that he does not want to do.

That is very difficult, but it at least it is within your own control.

Best of luck!

I don't think that persuading your DB that he will never work again is the answer. I had a family member with similar issues. He had managed to hold down decent jobs when younger but was no longer able to. Other people said he should go for lowly jobs but he was not able to do a job where he was told what to do by people he thought were stupid, he always knew better.
He spent a lot of time applying for high flying jobs, above the level he had experience of, but it was like a hobby, it kept him occupied and stopped him falling into depression.

He wouldn’t. He’d say that’s fine then. I understand. And not pay it!

It is my fault as I don’t seem to be doing a very good job at explaining 😂

I totally understand
My eldest son has a professional qualification but will never use it
He is permanently signed of work and claims benefits
However..the maximum amount of benefits for a single man ,is not enough to live on.
So he lives at home with us ,and always will do.
He lives in his bedroom as you describe your brother's house .
I say he claims benefits..but actually I do that for him ,I manage all his money because he has never bought himself anything
We had a social worker for him who helped with everything
It's good your brother has his own home ..you can get social services involved,they can put a package of care in place with helpers coming in to offer support.. although it sounds like your brother wouldn't accept this .
He must have some capabilities though,if he's paying his bills ,buying food , washing his clothes, getting to work , feeding himself , holding a job down for a couple of months .
That is actually preferable to being on full time benefits..as I said they don't pay enough to pay all bills ,rent , heating,food ect ..he will definitely have a much better life if can keep working.
You say he manages a couple of months at a time in a job ...so what he needs is support to keep that job ..
Also the full benefits my son gets ,was very difficult to get ..your brother would not qualify because he is holding a job down for a few months at a time ..
It's support he needs ..at home to keep it clean and in work to manage burnout ..which is what I suspect is causing the loss of job each time .
Really his employer should be offering him support,you can't sack someone' with a disability without a really good reason,they should be working with him to help him manage ..has he asked for reasonable adjustments.??
Here is a relatively young man ,doing his best to hold down a job with a disability..
I take my hat of to him ...I hope he manages to get the support he needs to succeed

Other people said he should go for lowly jobs but he was not able to do a job where he was told what to do by people he thought were stupid, he always knew better. this is definitely him!

As things stand though he constantly thinks in six to twelve months his life will be so different and I do need some reality here.

He does need a lot of support to do that though @Snowwhippet . And even then can’t manage it.

What us causing the loss of job each time
Is he walking away due to burn out
Or is he getting the sack
Has he a job currently

What autistic charities/ support groups have you got near him
Have you contacted them ,or has he .
They sometimes do support to work packages
He maybe needs an advocate to help him negotiate a better working balance .so more breaks , different responsibilities

OP I agree with @YankeeDad that unfortunately there is no point focusing on what you need him to do: instead accept that he will not understand that he will never work and accept that he will always be deluded that his life will be different in a year when he has done XYZ. You said you need some reality - but he is clearly not able to see reality.

I am not clear exactly what it is you are asking for: is it a way to convince or coerce him to apply for benefits?

I also have an autistic brother, in a different situation in many ways but I understand the frustrations of having to care for someone who has some capacity but makes poor decisions.

Have you come across the charity Sibs? They support people who have a sibling with a learning disability/autism. They have really supportive Facebook group, and organise events too about benefits etc. Also helpful as a way of feeling less alone. As you’ve experienced on this thread, a lot of people really don’t get it, however well-intentioned…

My advice is to focus on one practical problem or task at a time. It seems like the next one might be getting your brother to claim PIP. Do you have someone in real life who can help you come up with an approach to this?

This may be difficult to accept but please know that I am saying it with love and some experience. He may never understand that he is never going to work or get married etc. There may just be a psychological barrier there because those must be very painful things to face- by trying to get him to accept these things you are making the task much harder for yourself (although I fully get the frustration of just wanting someone to accept what feels like a very obvious reality…). Try working around his beliefs about what is possible- other posters have had good ideas of just framing PIP as something temporary, or something to help you out financially etc.

Wishing you all the best, I hope you have some real life support too

It sounds like there's no way on earth he's going to accept what you want him to - that his vision for his life is unattainable.

Can you couch everything as 'in the mean time' instead of 'that won't work, do this instead'?

If he thinks he's going to get a great job soon, what would his response be to OK, fine, but 'in the mean time' he could apply for x y z benefit or help.

If you can possibly get it to the point that he's got whatever support in place, is he likely to just let them tick along and not think about them or will he go cancelling things because he thinks he doesn't need them?

My son ,can't drive ,won't leave the house ,can't cook for himself,won't shower or wash his clothes, doesn't flush the loo ,smells badly ,doesn't change his clothes for weeks at a time ,won't answer the phone or reply to email or text messages .
Has never once left the house alone ..he has a carer with him all the time ..either me or my husband.wont go to the dentist or opticians or doctors.
Needs everything buying for him as has never used money or a bank card
Can't manage a train ,has never been on a bus ..has not got a friend.
Can not tell the time ..goes to bed when it goes dark gets up when it's light .
Points at the oven when he wants food..
Can't cope with noise can't cope with change .has never had a job ..has not been around people since being expelled from specialist school as a child..had his education at home and on line .
Had a social worker his whole life ...and this is how he got his benefits..but even if they were enough to live on ,he wouldn't be able to manage ..his mental health is bad and he needs to be around people..
Honestly if your brother is holding down a job for months at a time ..he's not going to get the benefits your hoping for ..
Your best bet ,is get him support to keep a job

But ..your brother is very very lucky to have such a wonderful caring sister in his life ..you very clearly want what's best for him 💖

I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to get him to understand that he’ll never work again, or be able to live the life he’s so convinced he’ll eventually have.

You say he can only think about the next 6-12 months and I think this might be key. Lean into this and perhaps frame it in way that you’re taking him at his word (that he’ll sort himself out in a few months) but in the meantime, he’s entitled to disability benefits and PIP and the extra money will help him get to where he needs to be. You’ll know this isn’t true, of course, but I’m not sure it matters.

The most important thing is to get him to accept the benefits he’s entitled to, not necessarily getting him to accept that he’ll likely live a life of misery.

@Snowwhippet yes we all know there is a spectrum. Some people with autism never speak and never use a toilet. I get that. I’m not saying he’s the worst case ever.

However I AM saying he can’t hold down a job. I’m not sure what we’re bickering about here. You want me to say your son is worse? Sure, I’ll do that, does that help me?

I agree with previous poster that he could get some council tax paid as part of UC - would he agree to go to citizens advice with you to find out so you don’t have to pay?

If not you could try contacting citizen advice on your own (they are really good over the phone) - they might be able to do the calculation for what he’s entitled to council tax wise after just talking to you - then once you know you if he’s entitled to council tax support you can then ask him to accompany you/phone with you to sort out. Limit the conversation to just the council tax - rather than trying to get him to change or understand the impact he’s having all in one go. And that take a bit of financial pressure off you to start with.

Other than that - I also agree with Pp suggesting diagrams/tables etc to explain issues to him.

It sounds like a really tough situation for you.

Hi OP i am in a very similar situation and have had this pressure and worry my whole life about what will happen to him. Addiction and career v similar to your situation. I have tried to encourage, made gentle suggestions, etc my whole life and haven't been able to help in any way really so am at the point now where I have to let go of any hope things will get better. I am not going to be financially bankrolling or offering to have my brother live with us as that wouldn't be practical. My brother is working as a carer and seems good at his job but regularly mentions leaving his job to write a book or a bestselling album. I have reached the pinnacle of not reacting and letting him make his own decisions. We all have to live our lives our own ways and my brother had made his own choices. I have withdrawn which on one hand is sad but for me is the only direction where lieth sanity X

But then he would eventually go to prison if he keeps going and THEN might get support