What do I do about my brother?

[ifoundasock]

I am 45; he is 47.

He has autism. He can’t work. Every time he starts a job there’s a honeymoon period for a couple of months, cracks appear and he ends up being dismissed or resigning before he’s dismissed. Added to which he’s then referred to his regulatory body as well (he is qualified as a nurse although has limited experience in actually nursing.)

He’s spent a lot of time at university retraining and doing various qualifications and sort of sees himself as deeply intelligent and way above any ‘menial’ jobs (I don’t think he’d manage them anyway.) He also isn’t IT literate in the slightest.

He is also addicted to various OTC meds, codeine mainly.

Increasingly the pressure has sort of built up financially and emotionally. I have two very young children and I just can’t afford to support him. I need a proper conversation with him about benefits but I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.

Has he ever had an ADHD assessment? Some of the things you describe add up to more than just autism and a huge proportion of people diagnosed with autism are likely to also have adhd. It wouldn’t immediately solve problems but it can help him understand himself
better.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard
timehere OP probably from people with very limited experience of adult autism. He clearly doesn’t have a learning disability which in many respects can make it much harder for your brother because he’s intelligent, rational and will be well aware but overwhelmed by the lifestyle he ends up in.

The work situation is so complex and so few people will truly understand how ostracised and victimised autistic people are in the workplace. The number of times I lost a job because it was easier for a team to blame me and my difficulties understanding social rules than own up to their own failings. Your brother may well be finding himself the scapegoat which is why he can’t understand or accept some of the accusations thrown at him. That doesn’t mean he has zero responsibility for his own dismissal just that there’s a really high chance it was supported by his colleagues to make their lives easier and absolve them of responsibility.

It may be worth while having a talk about maybe becoming your brothers guardian so you can take care of his finances (heating bills etc) to ensure the basics are covered and teaching him how to live within his means (emotionally and financially)

It may be your brother cannot be helped. He may be stubborn and convinced of his intellectual superiority (even if he has a point) but his basic skills need relearning.

society has this idea if you’re autistic and can talk you’re just like everyone else and what
youve posted about is the reality for tens of thousands of autistic adults. We seem NT in many situations but what we have to sacrifice to do so can be huge. Perhaps approach NAS or other autistic support organisations. They’re not always geared towards intelligent adults but the more people ask for help the more they have to acknowledge their services are inadequate.

sending love it’s not an easy situation

Yeah that's true. He could potentially try for PIP, but he may not be 'unwell enough'. They do new style ESA, I know it's not means tested but it might depend on how much NI etc you've paid or something?

Intelligent - I wouldn’t call him rational! I do believe he can’t be helped and before anyone jumps on me bear in mind - I’m 45; he’s 47. This is kind of the end of a very long road, IYSWIM.

To get back to the thread as we’ve drifted into me justifying why I’m helping. What I need is ideas on how to approach this. I need my brother to understand he will not work, he should not be working. And he never will. He will not do any of the things he wants. That’s a hard thing to have to address with someone whose mental health is already very very fragile.

@ifoundasock you asked what to do. I'm saying drop the rope in that there's not much you can do other than what you're probably doing. You can't make him do anything. You can't make him not believe in his future ideas. You can't make him believe he's going to be lonely and useless because he's got what sounds like a significant amount of grandiosity and that's probably part of a bigger picture.

Psychoanalysis? It might be the only therapy he would consider.

Knowing the year and the colour of his front door has zero to do with capacity. Has he ever had a PROPER assessment of his capacity? Honestly your posts don't make sense. I am not going to offer advice because your posts all seem to be a bit "yes but" I will say though that I am surprised that he keeps being able to get jobs as a qualifeied nurse unless he is a top class masker.

I will say to you that if your description is accurate, then hell will freeze over before he accepts what you want him to accept.

You might get more helpful responses in the Special Needs section, OP - most people don’t have it in them to understand the complexity of developmental disability, and having to continually justify yourself to the ‘just have boundaries’ / ‘you’re enabling him’ brigade is just going to use up all your mental energy.

I hope you get some good practical advice. This is a very tough situation.

Not exactly the same situation, my brother has learning difficulties, he can't read or write, or budget for himself. He doesn't believe he isn't like everybody else, and has decided he didn't want to learn. We managed to get adult social services involvement, it was a game changer; he never believed my sister and I were trying to help him, we were just poking our noses in and trying to control him. He now has a support worker who, over time, he has befriended. It has helped him live independently, with some support, and has meant that DSis and I have taken a step back.
Is it worth you speaking to adult social services to see if they can help your brother?

Nursing is a really tough job, I wouldn't conclude that he can't work at all because he couldn't do nursing. I know you say that he thinks menial jobs are below him, but talking to him about the need to try another job will be less of a blow than saying he can't work at all and will spend his life on benefits.
Most, if not all, councils have schemes to help disabled people into suitable work. Adult social services should be able to refer him but will need his consent. They should be able to give you information before you talk with him about it.
I'd also be encouraging him to go to the GP about his addictions.

If he can train as a nurse, he may be able to work as a nurse with adjustments. Tell him to contact Connect to Work - GOV.UK they can help.

Also, you do not have any moral responsibility to look after him. He is an adult. He may be vulnerable but he is not helpless.

Well if he won’t accept it, there’s nothing you can do is there?

I didn’t really ask what to do @Bellsbeachwaves . I definitely didn’t ask if I should go NC or not. But thanks. Might be best to move on now.

@godmum56 actually it does, in a legal sense. Legally he has capacity. There’s not much more to say other than that. If you’re pompously telling me ‘that has zero to do with capacity’ when professionals have stood in front of me and said ‘who is the prime minister?’ To him to test his capacity then either they are wrong or you don’t really understand.

Thanks @VoltaireMittyDream . it’s been an exhausting thread. I wasn’t sure where to post it to be honest!

@Hadalifeonce he just isn’t ‘severe’ enough for that. And wouldn’t engage with it anyway! But thank you.

Completely sympathise with your situation and you sound like you are at the end of your tether. It can be almost impossible to get some autistic people to understand the consequences of their actions, no matter how intelligent they are.

Some suggestions (sorry if you've already tried these) -

Supported living - Google private companies that work with local authorities and go directly to them (rather than the council) to find out how to access this support. There are some good ones.

A counsellor that specialises in working with neurodiverse clients.

Charity Mencap runs schemes to help neurodiverse people into work (not only for people with learning disabilities).

An online mentoring scheme.

Draw a diagram showing him different actions and outcomes. Sounds patronising but autistic people often respond to images.

Wishing you luck.

Is there anyone else he could talk to, he doesn't believe you because you are too close, you need someone not emotionally involved. Not sure who to suggest a mental health professional of some sort, a life coach, could your gp refer him to someone? It is really difficult and if he doesn't think he has a problem it's twice as hard.

Try telling him he has to pay his way so while he's 'between jobs' he should apply for the benefits he's entitled to, it sounds like he might respond to things he should get as a right. Once he's in the system you may be able to guide things along. Good luck.

I can try the images. Thank you. It isn’t so much ideas to help him that I need though. I really do believe he is beyond help. But I’m going to have to have a difficult conversation where I try to get him to understand that how he wants his life to look and how it will look aren’t the same; that he has got to be more realistic.

How about suggesting that he try a job/support service as a temporary solution.

As in, ‘Obviously this isn’t really what you need, but it may help just for the moment if you try it out. It may help your next employer see how serious you are about doing a good job’.
Basically playing along with the ‘yes, you are really good, and are above this’ by adding it as a temporary measure, or a ‘prove them wrong’ measure.

I get how frustrating it is. We have a BiL who hasn’t launched, as they say. He’s got very mixed capacity. He’s sweet and clueless though. Your brother doesn’t sound sweet!

Can you ask to speak to his GP? The GP can’t tell you anything about your brother, but you could tell the GP some stuff.
It sounds as if there is more to it than ASD.

What was his childhood like? Were your parents decent? Is there trauma in his past, beyond that some people say all autistic people suffer from being misunderstood?

No @PrizedPickledPopcorn . He can’t work. He really cannot get a job and anyway would refuse to get a job that wasn’t what he wanted and he wouldn’t be able to keep it anyway.

There is no magic solution here and I’m not posting looking for one. But things have become very pressing financially and this is where I need him to understand that he’s got to apply for benefits because he isn’t going to be able to work and I can’t help. I’ve told him this but he hears without absorbing.

Just to add I absolutely get the situation you’re describing where he can’t recognise the extent of his difficulties (and it’s always everyone else’s fault / the wrong job / the wrong workplace / people out to get him / just a temporary blip / etc).

This is sometimes the most disabling part of level 1-2 autism with high intelligence - the lack of insight and self awareness, inability to collaborate, inability to recognise the gravity of the impact of one’s actions, overestimation of functional capacity.

It sounds like he needs to apply for pip. My dsis had a serious mental illness and couldn’t work but also had delusions of grandeur that were part of the illness so I think I can see where you are coming from when you say you have to tell him that he is never going to be a Dr!

Pip would give him more long term security and possibly he could start a side hustle that would possibly not make a penny but keep him active and prevent his self esteem from being shattered.

Ok, back to your original post and question-“ I don’t know how to address the fact the reality of his life and the way he wants his life to look are so vastly vastly different.”

As a PP says, a flow chart. Did he do social stories as a child? The thing is, he’s a bit older than people who got decent intervention in childhood.

People with a great job have these skills and behaviours-
they turn up in the right place at the right time.
they wear right clothes and are clean.
they are polite to colleagues and customers.

People with a nice home-
clean it
clean themselves
pay their bills

I know you say he is clever. I’m sure he is. How did he earn his qualification if he couldn’t manage basic organisation? How did her get to lectures! Turn in work on time, complete the placements?
I can’t help but wonder what has changed- he has stopped doing things he must have been able to do before.

And have you discussed the concept of self medication?

Where does he live? How does he support himself? I’m sorry if I have missed this.

He needs to be flagged repeatedly to social services with evidence eg state of flat etc

if you drop down dead tomorrow he needs support - not your job he sounds like he might meet some levels for social services. We have a family member who is autistic and never worked - similar never done more than a week, does not have a degree but thinks he is really intelligent - and to some degree he is - he know every single train in the Uk pretty much. He has no friends and doesn’t want any. His parents gave him a flat and it is on their name. He claims benefits and lives off those but really it is universal credit and he seems to live well and has savings. He looks after himself. He will not engage with local disability services or even an autism society locally that offered to take him out. He rarely goes out. All sorts of family members have helped out over the years and all sorts therapy etc but actually this is what works.

He once said he doesn’t know what happy or sad are. I once asked him what he enjoyed and he said looking at trains - could I take him to the station to see some I asked - no he said I don’t like to be near people.

As your brother sounds so 'stuck' in his views, he's not going to change overnight. Perhaps, for your own sake, take a breather from trying to make things different - just for now.

Maybe you could have a few sessions yourself with a counsellor who understands neurodiversity? If they're any good, they will completely understand what you are facing and may have suggestions on how to approach this.

You probably need a lot of support yourself.

I do "really understand." It was a part of my job until I retired. Knowing who the prime minister is assesses other things but not capacity. https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/making-decisions-for-someone-else/mental-capacity-act/

I feel for you OP. I have an adult son with autism who works. He does have an employment support worker from a charity who keeps in regular touch with him and will get involved if there are issues at work related to his autism. if this was available in your area might it help?

My daughter says she will look out for him when I’m gone but she couldn’t be his full time carer. I think she would relate to you. She loves her brother and would never abandon him but couldn’t take my place.

I’m sorry I can’t offer any solutions but I think you are doing your best to look out for him so well done for caring

@ifoundasock the title of your thread literally says what do I do. And I'm not sure where I said go NC. Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you get the answers you want.