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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I found this in my bed.

617 replies

Bugsandbeds · 21/11/2025 19:52

I found this in my bed. It was under the duvet cover on my side when I got home from work this other day. I'm married. Husband works from home.

I know what I think it is but I just can't believe it.

Could it be something other than a condom wrapper? I've convinced myself it's off something else, some sort of other packet.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
MarvellousMonsters · 22/11/2025 18:25

Bugsandbeds · 22/11/2025 10:15

I can't look through his phone and don't really want to, if he hasn't done anything wrong then this would be a massive breach of trust. I know that might sound crazy to some people but I do have my own morals.

Did find the running woman on FB but nothing but private profile, few photos of them at running events but there's also other people in the photos. I just can't see him bringing someone into the house but stranger things have happened I suppose. The bit of wrapping was on my side of the bed, on the sheet/under the duvet and the bedding had definitely not been changed or washed.

Nothing in our bedroom that would suggest anything untoward. His home office is in our room.

I can't just pop home from work in the day so that's not an option.

He's acting just as normal, all nicey nice, which has increased a lot lately.....could that be a sign? A sign of guilt maybe? The increased working out/loosing a bit of weight.

“He's acting just as normal, all nicey nice, which has increased a lot lately.....could that be a sign? A sign of guilt maybe? The increased working out/loosing a bit of weight.”

Cheating spouses tend to either ramp up the nice or start to be nasty. Sorry.

Grendel7 · 22/11/2025 18:29

Mydahliasareshit · 21/11/2025 20:28

Or on passenger seat in car.

Bit of a longshot,but could he have planted it there to make you jealous?

bigboykitty · 22/11/2025 18:32

Cakencookieobsessed · 22/11/2025 18:23

It's right though. It's your husband, your problem. No one else's. If you aren't willing to do anything about it and be so passive when he's been screwing around, then why bother? And I can't believe that you would be so naive to think it's anything other than a bleedin condom wrapper!

OP only found the condom wrapper yesterday. Maybe try not to be so horrible.

Dawnintheageofaquariams · 22/11/2025 18:32

Luckykittycat · 21/11/2025 19:55

Just mind that some men use a condom when they fly solo as well!

No they don't.
Posh wank is a term invented by Viz comic, and I don't know any man that has ever actually done it.

Bo1978 · 22/11/2025 18:35

Trust your gut. You’ll know deep down.

LoveItaly · 22/11/2025 18:37

bigboykitty · 22/11/2025 18:32

OP only found the condom wrapper yesterday. Maybe try not to be so horrible.

Indeed.

Zoec1975 · 22/11/2025 18:42

I know my other half wouldn’t,🤣he is a tight arse and wouldn’t want to waste them.

3luckystars · 22/11/2025 18:43

I would focus your energy on copying all financial information. Do this first, copy all bank statements and payslips and any investments/ pensions first before you waste any more time on this. There is nothing to lose by gathering this information and having it ready.

He is 100% having sex with someone else. Has he been abroad in the last year or two? Were you with him? Where did he buy them?

And where is the rest of the packet.

Search the bins for the condom. And I would check his phone, check the hidden photos.

Good luck and I’m sorry x

TooTightDiamondShoesDoingMyHeadIn · 22/11/2025 18:45

alpenguin · 22/11/2025 15:17

OP don’t fanny about with all the childish detective bs suggested on here, don’t make up lies and don’t make up scenarios to catch him out. Tell him you’ve found a condom wrapper on your bed and ask him directly what’s going on and who he used it with. His face and reaction will likely give you all the answers you need.

playing silly games just prolongs the agony and feeds the MN voyeurs. Have the difficult adult conversation. You know what you think it is and what’s going on. You’ve mentioned things most would be suspicious of. Be direct and demand honesty.

A man vile enough, and with such little respect for his wife and children, as to bring his affair partner into their home and have sex in his wife’s bed if that’s what he’s done, would not be the type to immediately confess to such a massive betrayal IMO.

It is a deliberate act of humiliation to his wife to have sex with with another woman in her bed knowing she’d be sleeping in that bedding apparently none the wiser a few hours later, getting off on knowing what he’d done there, thinking she’s too stupid to find out, so degrading and on another level to cheating in a hotel, on the back seat of a car or in the OW’s bed as she’s single.

He would likely deny, lie and make the wife out to be crazy with so much at stake and his standing with family and friends on the line which is why the OP has been advised to get incontrovertible proof of an affair if that’s what it is, so he doesn’t get that opportunity with her second second guessing herself and driving herself mad.

Being in full receipt of facts before making such life changing accusations is the opposite of being childish and playing silly games.

Confronting without them and possibly being gaslit, made to feel crazy, and on high alert, then realising later on he was cheating all along, perhaps when he leaves for an OW and tries to make out nothing was going on before then, would prolong the agony more.

No personal experience of this myself but keeping a cool head and doing a bit of digging/observation for a short period and knowing for sure either way with evidence that can’t be denied if it is the case, is a better outcome that driving yourself nuts and trashing your mental health with suspicion for months on end.

MissingSummertime · 22/11/2025 18:53

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and must be so hard not to just confront DH at this point and ask wtf is going on (I know I’d struggle not to) it’s a natural response to something so shocking and hurtful. However I agreed with pp about not saying anything at this point and just keep watch. If he’s has cheated it would be better to get evidence first.

This occurred to me as an idea - I’m aware it’s pretty out there and gross(!) 😬 but perhaps a bin dive to try and find the offending condom(?). Lab testing might be able to detect if female dna was present? If only your husband’s dna then that could prove the posh solo-time theory! I’ve had a look and there seem to be home kits out there, but don’t know how reliable they are.

Laura95167 · 22/11/2025 18:54

Bugsandbeds · 21/11/2025 20:12

Ok. Did think if the posh wank thing but surely no one actually does that!?

Had issues with sex life for years, he always blamed me, has recently admitted it wasn't me and he caused the issues and dealt with the whole thing terribly (this is after him speaking to a therapist for few reasons). Spends lots of time running and at gym, has mentioned a woman from running club a few times and how she's split with her husband and he's being a dick to her and her kids. He mentioned how men can be dicks during divorces and he thinks it should be a standard 50/50 split.

He'll deny it if I say anything (prob say it was posh wank) and I no other actual evidence. We have 2 children, mortgage etc etc...live about 2 hrs from any family.

I feel quite lonely right now.

Could he be masturbating to try and improve his performance issues?

notatinydancer · 22/11/2025 18:56

Luckykittycat · 21/11/2025 19:55

Just mind that some men use a condom when they fly solo as well!

They don’t it’s an excuse.

3luckystars · 22/11/2025 18:56

They really don’t.

SnoworRainbow · 22/11/2025 19:08

Henbags · 22/11/2025 14:47

I never understand these threads when people ask strangers theories on things when ultimately you have to ask your partner. If he is hiding something from you, then strangers are even less likely to have a clue what happened.

Maybe op wanted a bit of support but wasn't ready to tell anyone in real life.

Pessismistic · 22/11/2025 19:10

Hi op they say men get more nicer to the wife so she doesn’t get suspicious but the fact it’s in your bed and it’s not been used with you I would have to ask him. Him going the gym losing weight is also a sign making themselves looking good for someone new. Her separation could be her dh caught her with your dh never say never. Definitely look into it. I know plenty of people who have cheated right under there oh nose affairs and excitement do not have morals.
I found one in my toilet once whilst I was out working I asked him about it apparently he was trying it out as they weren’t feeling right when we were using them no evidence to show it was anything other than that but I have always had a smidge of doubt.
Your dh is showing some signs be aware. your morals won’t count if you ever find out he was cheating especially in your bed on your side wtaf!

Washingupdone · 22/11/2025 19:13

Imapebble · 22/11/2025 17:22

Last year i posted a 'what is this' thread with a similar photo, only what I found was the edge of a pregnancy test wrapper.

I knew what it was but was hoping someone would come along with a different idea as it definitely wasn't mine.

Long story short, I found out in July this year DH had been cheating on me for 2 years with a 'friend' he had met at the local pub.

Before that I would've bet my life he would never cheat on me.

What did you do, got your duck in a row or tackled straight away?

Gingerwolfe · 22/11/2025 19:16

Confront your hubby with it ‘ooh I found this whilst sorting the bed.. Do you know what is?’ His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he says it’s a bubble gum wrapper, tell him you think it looks like a condom wrapper. I hope you are ok OP.

washinwashoutrepeat · 22/11/2025 19:30

MissingSummertime · 22/11/2025 18:53

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this and must be so hard not to just confront DH at this point and ask wtf is going on (I know I’d struggle not to) it’s a natural response to something so shocking and hurtful. However I agreed with pp about not saying anything at this point and just keep watch. If he’s has cheated it would be better to get evidence first.

This occurred to me as an idea - I’m aware it’s pretty out there and gross(!) 😬 but perhaps a bin dive to try and find the offending condom(?). Lab testing might be able to detect if female dna was present? If only your husband’s dna then that could prove the posh solo-time theory! I’ve had a look and there seem to be home kits out there, but don’t know how reliable they are.

I would definitely do a bin dive.

(I wouldnt do testing though…)

Dawnintheageofaquariams · 22/11/2025 19:30

Laura95167 · 22/11/2025 18:54

Could he be masturbating to try and improve his performance issues?

No they don't.
Posh wank is a term invented by Viz comic, and I don't know any man that has ever actually done it.

SurelyNotShirley · 22/11/2025 20:08

Bugsandbeds · 21/11/2025 19:52

I found this in my bed. It was under the duvet cover on my side when I got home from work this other day. I'm married. Husband works from home.

I know what I think it is but I just can't believe it.

Could it be something other than a condom wrapper? I've convinced myself it's off something else, some sort of other packet.

Sit him down, stare him straight in the eyes and say, "I found a condom wrapper stuck to the sheets on my side of the bed." Say nothing else, watch his reactions, his tells, twitching, blushing etc and if he becomes defensive - You'll know.

Doubledenim305 · 22/11/2025 20:12

Haven't read full thread but definitely DO NOT have an adult conversation about it.
Get evidence. Cameras around the house. Even a friend who might be willing to wait in view of the house when you out at work to see if anyone is coming or going or a friend to join his running club and see if there any signs of an affair.
Id 100 be on it to see what the truth was and I'd be getting my ducks in a row just incase.
I can't imagine finding a corner of a condom in my bed...just so so odd.

Spiderx · 22/11/2025 20:26

Durex...once the most common UK condom maker.

CatzAndDogs · 22/11/2025 20:27

TooTightDiamondShoesDoingMyHeadIn · 22/11/2025 18:45

A man vile enough, and with such little respect for his wife and children, as to bring his affair partner into their home and have sex in his wife’s bed if that’s what he’s done, would not be the type to immediately confess to such a massive betrayal IMO.

It is a deliberate act of humiliation to his wife to have sex with with another woman in her bed knowing she’d be sleeping in that bedding apparently none the wiser a few hours later, getting off on knowing what he’d done there, thinking she’s too stupid to find out, so degrading and on another level to cheating in a hotel, on the back seat of a car or in the OW’s bed as she’s single.

He would likely deny, lie and make the wife out to be crazy with so much at stake and his standing with family and friends on the line which is why the OP has been advised to get incontrovertible proof of an affair if that’s what it is, so he doesn’t get that opportunity with her second second guessing herself and driving herself mad.

Being in full receipt of facts before making such life changing accusations is the opposite of being childish and playing silly games.

Confronting without them and possibly being gaslit, made to feel crazy, and on high alert, then realising later on he was cheating all along, perhaps when he leaves for an OW and tries to make out nothing was going on before then, would prolong the agony more.

No personal experience of this myself but keeping a cool head and doing a bit of digging/observation for a short period and knowing for sure either way with evidence that can’t be denied if it is the case, is a better outcome that driving yourself nuts and trashing your mental health with suspicion for months on end.

Absolutely. I know from experience how a man who is capable of this kind of betrayal will totally have no problem lying through teeth, pulling out all stops to make you feel like the shittest person, like your going mad. It only prolongs the agony, plus hes now got wind of you knowing what hes up to and he'll lie all the more carefully. Lay low for a while. Gather more evidence. The truth will come.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 22/11/2025 20:42

Hmm it doesn't look good coupled with the mentionitis, nicey nicey behaviour, losing weight etc.

I'd not say anything though personally. But I'd be being very mindful of his behaviour, and looking at my position if there was an affair what would I want, what would happen with our assets and things like that. I'd try and put myself in a stronger situation for example do you know all the ins and outs of both of your finances, things like that.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 22/11/2025 20:46

Bugsandbeds · 22/11/2025 10:15

I can't look through his phone and don't really want to, if he hasn't done anything wrong then this would be a massive breach of trust. I know that might sound crazy to some people but I do have my own morals.

Did find the running woman on FB but nothing but private profile, few photos of them at running events but there's also other people in the photos. I just can't see him bringing someone into the house but stranger things have happened I suppose. The bit of wrapping was on my side of the bed, on the sheet/under the duvet and the bedding had definitely not been changed or washed.

Nothing in our bedroom that would suggest anything untoward. His home office is in our room.

I can't just pop home from work in the day so that's not an option.

He's acting just as normal, all nicey nice, which has increased a lot lately.....could that be a sign? A sign of guilt maybe? The increased working out/loosing a bit of weight.

You found a condom wrapper in your bed girl