Wife says I don’t make "any" effort for us

[marcusantonio]

I’m M35 and my wife is F31, and we’ve been having some issues lately.
We have two kids, and I work long hours, usually 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., Monday through Friday. We usually spend Saturday afternoons together as a family, and I try to make sure we have at least one date night a month, just the two of us. On Sundays I manage a golf team, so I’m out from about 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
For the past year, my wife has been complaining (mostly to her female friends) that I never make plans, that everything is on her, and that I just go along with things without really caring. She makes it sound like I’m disengaged. Also, she is upset at me.
Sometimes I get a Sunday off and I take her with me when I can, but it still feels like she doesn’t believe I’m putting in effort. Now she’s planning a weekend trip for us. I told her I don’t think we really need another trip since we went on one six months ago. She still wants to go, and she’s planning to take her mother and the kids.
I told her she can go if she wants, but I also said again that I don’t think this trip is necessary.
I'm actually doing good as a man, but I don't know why her behaviour is something like this

Sorry I think I would be pissed off too, 6 days you are out. One hand you are saying go and on the other hand you say no.

She’s telling you what she’s feeling. Listen with an open mind, instead of being bemused and telling her she’s wrong. Communication is key. If she’s feeling unheard, it will just get worse.

You are taking the piss, she'd be better of on her own than you half a day commitment to family life.

You sound horrifically and intentionally unavailable to your wife and family, if this is real

Does your wife also work, does your golf team management pre date your marriage and kids?

I have to be honest I think the all day out Sunday for you to have fun every week is too much, when does she get this time? You need to be more present in your family life. I had a dh who worked away but when he was home he wanted to spend it with us. Yes we both had hobbies but 1 afternoon a week of family time is not enough. You DW is probably exhausted and definitely not having her needs met.

You are out EVERY Sunday from 8am until 5 when you work 11 hours a day in the week? Dont you want to spend more time with your kids???

Saturday afternoons and a date night once a ffs what more does she want🙄

I think a full day at your hobby is a lot. She is asking for one weekend, I would be expecting you to drop to every other Sunday.

So you give you family one afternoon a week and your golf team one day per week. I guess your golf team is your priority.

Erm, what makes you think that you get to say what you do and don’t think is necessary? She’s not an extension of you - she’s a person in her own right. Do you do this with all her needs, hopes, dreams, wishes? Tell her which ones are ‘necessary’?

My DH was a good cricketer, he willingly gave up cricket when we had children without me asking. That’s the point of a family, the family unit comes first. I also had to out my hobbies aside.

Is this AI or a reverse

people with small children can’t be doing a leisure activity solo an entire Sunday each week

On Sundays I manage a golf team, so I’m out from about 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.

She makes it sound like I’m disengaged

Are you joking?

Also, when is her free time away from family responsibilities happening?

🍿

Yeah, you need to pack it in with the golf team.

This. You are barely there, and she’s a bit pissed off? Jeezo man, you need to drop the golf thing, or at least only do it, for example, every month? Fortnight at the most. When does she have hobby time? Oh wait, she doesn’t have hobbies….?

I don't think you're doing enough for yourself, OP. You work sooo hard and deserve a break. Maybe get yourself a little flat and live elsewhere.

I’d have divorced you. Prioritising your family for one afternoon a week is crazy!. I think you need to ask yourself what do you love more? Your family or your free time. I bet your wife doesn’t get any free time. Absolutely shocking behaviour from a husband/dad

You sound incredibly absent as a husband and father, being out 5 long days a week and then most Sundays by the sound of things.

Unless you are making a SIGNIFICANT effort to show her you care about spending time with her/your family of course she's going to be hurt.

One date night a month and a few weekend scraps are not significant.

Why don't you want to spend time with her and your family?

You are disengaged.

your family gets one afternoon a week.
your golf team gets double that.

clearly you don’t value your family.

I'm actually doing good as a man

On what measure?? How much parenting are you actually doing? If your wife worked all those hours and had Sunday off at golf would she be doing well as a woman. Why is your bar for men so incredibly low?

Your an absent father and partner your wife does everything thing for the kids 6 1/2 days a week whilst you help out 1 afternoon per week, all because you prioritise yourself by your own admission.
That makes you a shitty selfish man child and thats before we hear her side which I'm sure is a whole lot worse.
Tell me @marcusantonio when did your wife last get to spend a day per week doing a hobby or anything else she wants without you or the kids?

Who tells you how you're doing good as a man? Other men? Do you honestly think the bar should be set so low for men? One day a week to nurture and maintain relationships with your wife and children? That's all they're worth to you?

Whose opinion do you think should matter about how you are doing on maintaining and nurturing those relationship - yours (as a man, of course), or your wife's (and children's)? Whose opinion do you think should matter to them?

If you make yourself irrelevant to family life and members of your family when it suits you, don't be surprised when you find yourself to be irrelevant when it doesn't.