Wife says I don’t make "any" effort for us

[marcusantonio]

I’m M35 and my wife is F31, and we’ve been having some issues lately.
We have two kids, and I work long hours, usually 9 a.m. to 8 p.m., Monday through Friday. We usually spend Saturday afternoons together as a family, and I try to make sure we have at least one date night a month, just the two of us. On Sundays I manage a golf team, so I’m out from about 8 a.m. to 5 p.m.
For the past year, my wife has been complaining (mostly to her female friends) that I never make plans, that everything is on her, and that I just go along with things without really caring. She makes it sound like I’m disengaged. Also, she is upset at me.
Sometimes I get a Sunday off and I take her with me when I can, but it still feels like she doesn’t believe I’m putting in effort. Now she’s planning a weekend trip for us. I told her I don’t think we really need another trip since we went on one six months ago. She still wants to go, and she’s planning to take her mother and the kids.
I told her she can go if she wants, but I also said again that I don’t think this trip is necessary.
I'm actually doing good as a man, but I don't know why her behaviour is something like this

Agreed, at least in a divorce a completely non engaged father might still take the kids every other weekend. This would increase both OP’s “family time” and give his then Ex DW a chance to exist as a person and not just a slave/mother.

This has to be a reverse. The long hours are one thing, all day Sunday running a golf team is an enormous piss take. Do you even like your family?

Except he won't. He might be 'supposed' to, but the golf team will be having an important match so he can't do this weekend, and then the next weekend there's a work thing on so he'd only be able to manage Saturday morning so better leave it, then the weekend after that....

Yeah. EOW is a nice idea in theory. But it requires the man to want to see his children. Easiest thing in the world to just not bother.

Benefit of the doubt that you genuinely don't get it.

Does she work or is she a SAHM? Either way, in different ways, she is clearly responsible for 100% of the household and child management and that is exhausting.

Do you do anything in the house or with the children? What responsibilities for a happy home and healthy children do you take on, except work? Can you se that she is on 24/7 while you're working, then getting loads of downtime and she' sjust working all the time - either at home exclusively or half at home, half at work.

Do you think it's your right to tell her what to do? perhaps she's bored of sitting at home on a sunday while you're at Golf and would like to do something different. And she's probably taking her mother as at least that way she gets some help with the chidlren and someone who is interested in talking to her.

On these saturday afternoons you spend as a family - does she organise them and do all the work? And what are you doing on saturday mornings?

how oldare your children? Do you ever get up int eh night with them or is that all on her because you're working? In the mornings, before you leave for work, are you taking on your fair share of the mroning routine?

Also note how OP describes the Saturday afternoons as “family” time - the time they engage as a family altogether. This is not OP’s time to take over as parent and give his wife a well earned break. She is likely still running ragged and organising everything, feeding everyone etc. with OP actually just being present finally.

Perhaps it would dawn on you if you put all that down on a spreadsheet. Choose a colour for her family responsibility time and a colour for yours.When you can see it so clearly perhaps it will register in your man- brain.

You're 'aving a laugh, mate.

People would rightly point out that the children are getting a raw deal too- the golf team see him for double the time.

What happens Saturday morning that means you can only have family time on Saturday afternoon. Is your wife driving your children to football/ dance/ swimming lessons that she's also done all the organisation for whilst you have a leisurely start to your weekend

Your last line intrigued me @marcusantonio . What do you mean, you're "doing good as a man"?

Because as a man myself, I would consider completely opting out of parenting and being part of the family every single evening and Sunday as the complete opposite of "doing good".

You're expecting your wife to be happy with whatever scraps of you you're willing to throw her. Why did you choose to get married and have kids if you wanted to maintain a single life.

Your attitude might have been fine in the 1950s, but times change. Right now, you seem to be utterly failing at being "a man".

What does “doing good” as a man mean? Because you’re doing fairly poorly as a partner and parent.

I can well understand that working 10-12 hour days all week means you need some weekend downtime, but your wife likely also needs that and your children essentially will think you’re a stranger.

So, you have all day Sunday to yourself, for fun. When your wife does the same on Saturdays, what will happen to your family time? Your family?

Who organises holidays, family time, date nights? Who books the events/tables?

Who makes sure everything else that’s necessary is done, so everyone can have a nice afternoon?

You can’t swan in to family afternoons and date nights, and assume all is good, especially when your wife is telling you it isn’t.

Do your kids actually know who you are? You know, from the fleeting moments they see you....
She might as well be a single mum officially since that is what she is already...

I don’t understand how you think 0.5 a day a week is enough to keep your wife and kids happy? And husbands wonder why their wife gets pissed off and leaves.

Yes I agree, but in this scenario OP would have to concede they officially have a zero custody agreement and therefore aren’t really being a father at all.

When the divirce comes, he will no doubt go fot 50/50 custody to avoid paying maintenance and get some other woman to do his 50%.

'I'm actually doing good as a man',

When does your wife get a full day each week for her hobby ?

If this is real then your wife is correct... You are barely there for her and your family. And you are certainly not 'doing good' as a husband and father!'

Standard

Apologies for the typos. Lost my predictive text. 😅

I see no evidence of you 'doing good as a man' (whatever that's meant to mean) in your post.

If you mean your earning well, that's not a man thing. And it's a small contribution to marriage and family.

Time is the most important thing you can give.

It reads as though your priorities are golf and work. And you wife / children should be grateful to see you half a day a week (and to have a weekend away once a year).

You are not 'doing good' as far as I can see. You're neglecting your wife and children and prioritising your golf buddies.

Ok, I’ll bite.

You think you’re ’doing good as a man’ because you are working long hours and bringing in money to provide for the family.

But that’s not the only measure.

You ‘try’ to make sure there’s one date night a month. Because you say ‘try’ I bet even that tiny 121 time isn’t happening that often.

PPs have pointed out that you are unavailable to your family for three quarters of the weekend. And probably while the kids need getting ready for school, picked up, bath and bedtime etc.

You must see that your wife feels unsupported practically and probably emotionally?

I think you believe that working full time gets you off everything else. Obviously you can’t stop doing that as the family needs to income, but you and your wife need to discuss how she’s feeling, what she needs, and pull together more as a team.

And yes, the golf every Sunday needs to go.

I can’t believe this is real.