Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

I die inside without connection. I’m a very colourful person and the grey sniffles me. A life without emotion would literally kill me.

I would have written the same until I had 4 years of simply being unable to abandon an ill man who has done a lot for me in my life. I'm quite amazed by what I have achieved in learning to be "enough" for myself.

I understand. I’m fed up of surviving and squashing down the best parts of myself. I want to thrive.

@Echobelly I’d be happy with those results if it meant my DS had made it through the exams. We Home Ed and I’m currently wondering how I’ll get him into an exam setting let alone the stress of sitting the papers. Could you afford a tutor if there are bits he struggles with? It would remove DH from the equation all together and make DH feel he could give up that control perhaps? 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's my ideal situation but until DH has a job, and it's getting to the stage where I have to pay most of the bills, it's going to be a stretch to afford it. English I think being the priority.

Do they not know that they can affect the feelings of others? Obviously in a negative way but also they can make people feel better. They can make someone cheer up or take their mind off of something, nothing physical just being with someone so they feel better. We can effect each other in good ways.

or is it that they don’t want to share your pain?

*mcrlover *just absolutely do not move to his country at all, doesn’t matter if it’s to be near his parents or even if they are the most helpful parents in the world. Take what time you can to make private plans so that you can action them if needed. Save a fund up as best you can, in case you need to leave quickly for your own home country and parents.

Also a word of warning on the hyper-fixated situation. Please do not be surprised to find him fighting with you in a very below the belt way emotionally on this topic. Do not be swayed by that. It’s all part of the anxiety he’s feeling around the fixation and trying to wear you down by any means necessary, so you agree to it.

So to protect your own needs- remind yourself what they are and that your needs and wishes are what you and your baby will do.
Practice the scenario in your head, of you calmly observing him trying to sway you towards his goal. Listen calmly to everything he is saying to you, without it making you doubt yourself. And without it making you take his words literally, when he says he’ll never be happy where you already live, or he’s always hated it where you live, and all the rest of it. Even if he threatens to leave you and your baby, if you don’t move to his country. Let him. A reasonable man wouldn’t make ultimatums like that.

Please also go to the relationships board on here for advice. Hopefully it won’t, and hopefully for now you can head him off towards some other big interest of his, while your baby is still small. Encourage it if needed. That way you can use the time to work out how you feel about things longer term and what you want to do.

They really don't understand what anyone else feels. When they upset you and you tell them they've upset you, they think an apology is to say how awful they are feeling about having upset you.

Yeah this whole thing confuses me. I’ve been emotionally neglected, maybe intentionally, maybe not. Emotional neglect is bad so they are bad. But disabled people can’t be bad as it’s not their fault. But at the same time my body hates being around them. They have caused so much problems and pain. Thinking a potentially disabled person is bad makes me bad. My brain is also ND so struggles to
process in non black and white so someone is bad.

I don't think bad and good helps. I get through the bad days by reminding myself it's the days that are bad, not the person whose own difficulties caused the day to be bad. When he says "you don't like me" I reply "I don't like the situation we both find ourselves in". I've found life easier since I was able to drop the blame. And also by looking at my friends' husbands, because there isn't one of those "normal" guys I would swap him for.

But it’s not the days that are bad, the days are just days. What’s bad is that I go through them alone. Unless I burden my friends. The source of my pain is people. I have a very physical and mental reaction now to invalidating people. I spent a long time trying to control my days, two years I never left the house, my hypervigilance was out of control. Nothing can never not go wrong but going through the wrong alone is what has hurt me. That and the fact that she promotes complete emotional independence still. I suppose I can’t accept this as others have. At least I have friends now as and adult which I didn’t as a child as I was so withdrawn.

Me and my daughter are ADHD and I sit with her and regulate her I would never send her off to regular on her own in shame.

We are married to men who simply cannot provide what we need. It is not their fault and blaming them simply makes it worse.

Why stay married to someone who cannot meet yours or any shared children’s needs? That’s just a general question. It’s awful that they do it intentionally but what this does to people around them is also awful if they don’t have any self awareness. Being a parent is different because you birth them and love them but a partner is not like a child they were once a stranger. I get angry at my dad for allowing my mums behaviour, she can’t help it, you know what she’s like etc. Someone should have done something. I’m probably projecting here.

No man I know of can meet 100% of his partner's needs 100%of the time. What you can accept as a percentage in each case is personal. My OH 100% meets my needs for financial stability, house chores, house admin 99% of the time. It's a good base from which to tolerate the problems that he causes.

I suppose it depends on what you need. I have my own money so it’s not too important, I don’t want a provider of services but I have friends with whom this is enough. We can’t have it all but to go through every emotional event alone is too much.

Had a meeting today with child psychotherapist who is going to see DS. Luckily she has an after school slot, which is good so we he won't have to miss any lessons. Seems very nice and I think will help DS. She says we will still talk about support for us as well.

Was very relieved that DS completed his test today bar 2 or 3 questions (psychology, a subject I'm still not clear how comfortable he is with). So it's not generalised test anxiety, just the essay subjects - hoping he can retake the last two maybe next week as it would be good to have a comparator with last term.

I realise I sound like I'm obsessed with DS test results but I'm not really, I only think about them because of DH's reactions. I know a lot of people, including some of my friends, who I have just stopped talking to about this issue, take the line 'test results don't matter, as long as they're happy'. And I actually agree - I just feel like I have to care because I have to manage DH's response. Which is not a position I like being in and not a healthy dynamic.

Hi I’m new here, NT with autistic husband and 2 autistic children. Kids are doing fine, but my husband is just a nightmare now.
we’ve tried counselling, nothing works. He just twists every situation so it’s my fault. No intimacy because he finds it ‘too hard’ and it’s been like that for years.

He’s a good guy but he’s done some awful
things.. and since being diagnosed he’s just getting worse. If I tell him everything that’s bothering me he just goes ‘ok’ and walk off.

I’m just at my wits end really. I don’t want to leave as we do get on really well and it means selling the house etc but I’m just so down. Not sure what I’m after with this post but just wanted to rant I think!!

@mcrlover

I fully agree with @Pashazade and @Cicadasounds

One issue here is that, if he is so hyperfixated, 1- you won’t be able to make him change his stance and 2- anyone or anything standing in the way will be labelled difficult. You included.

Fwiw I had a similar issues with dh over moving house. It did come down to either we stay put where we are or we split up.
My mind was very clear on that and I think dh knew.
Now dh is also avoidant and I suspect the idea of a divorce was even worse than the idea of not moving so he accepted it. But no amount of explaining, putting my point across, staying calm etc etc made any difference.

I feel theres also the question of whether you can cope with the continuous moaning from him. Dh took a year to accept my NO. But bring avoidant, this is is a subject that came back regularly but not always iyswim. I don’t think I’d have been able to cope with daily moaning for that long.

I think that my view on this too.
No dh doesn’t meet my needs on emotional support, emotional connexion etc… but then if I was single, I very much doubt there would be a partner there who would do that either. So my view on that I need to find that connexion outside of marriage, just like I would as a single person. Through friends, not a partner.

Hi @Han1978 👋👋

Gosh that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in.
I noticed you found things got worse since his diagnosis. Do you think he has bought into the whole narrative ‘I’m ND therefore everyone should accommodate me and if they dint, it means theyre ableist’?

I have to say at least from these threads, it seems counselling, including coupke coubselling, hasn’t been very helpful in an NT/ASD marriage unless the counsellor is REALLY clued up on ND.
But your comment about ‘turning everything so it’s you’re fault’ makes me think abusive behaviour instead.

Youre mentioning that, despite all this, your relationship is quite good. Could you explain what’s good in your marriage and what are the sticking points? If you feel comfortable about it of course!

That sounds like acceptance, something to tell yourself because there is no real way out. There are billions of men out there so I don’t think anyone can say with certainty that there isn’t as single man alive that couldn’t meet them emotionally. There are men who provide financially and emotionally. Ive friends with some real good partners. They have their flaws as we all do but it’s a gapping chasm to be completely incapable of even faking or trying to offer emotional support. It’s like not adding any sugar to a cake, it’s just not going to taste quite right but you can eat it. Their is joy in your partner and life just missing.

I think we become so accustomed to it we forget just how different life is with someone emotionally available. Some people are living a much more colourful and fulfilling life.

@Theydontwantme acceptance isn’t telling yourself it’s ok…

But more to the point, you absolutely cannot say I’d be able to find someone else.
Not to someone who is disabled and needs support for everyday stuff like cooking or making the bed. (You need a very special person to embark on that)
Not to someone who is housebound (how are you going to meet someone when you can hardly go out??)
Not to someone still trying to ‘heal’ (for want of a better word) from cptsd

There are people around who will always have a very limited capacity to establish NEW friendship or partnership, through no fault of their own. Just bad luck and not enough physical capacity.

Being able to go out, connect with other people, expand your life is actually a privilege p. One you you only discover is a privilege when you get badly ill I think

I understand but you have described a partner who is really unkind to you, who doesn’t help or acknowledge or have compassion. That’s sad to hear from the outside.