Married to someone with Asperger’s/ASD/ND: support thread 17

[SpecialMangeTout3]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5355546-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-16?page=10&reply=148665446

@Perspectives123 well sounds like you’re done and that’s allowed. You say to the kids that mummy and daddy no longer make each other happy and that is why we are separating. Stick to your line. I would imagine the eldest will stay with you if he’s as grumpy as he sounds!!

That’s not neurodiverse that sounds abusive.

its frustrating, because DH was diagnosed with adhd himself recently having suspected it ever since DS's diagnosis 6 years ago. But it affected DH quite differently as a child - he was academically ahead, but socially behind. He sees the similarities between himself and DS but still seems to have trouble accepting it's affected DS quite differently and given him learning challenges that DH never had. The adhd meds (DH's) do seem to be helping DH be more patient with DS though.

It sounds like me and my eldest. I was missed throughout school because I was able to achieve. So I did the work and then distracted everyone else. But internally I was struggling and socially I couldn’t keep up. Plus the rejection sensitivity meant any slight and I was an anxious mess. I masked the anxiety until I had a break down as an adult. My daughter is not academic and she is behind in all areas so she has been spotted. I was a quiet people pleaser and her fight flight is attack so she is is more noticeable. Same condition but different variables.

@Mini2025 thanks for your reply. I am really sorry to hear about your experiences. 'D'H is still refusing to talk to me. He won't even read a calm whatsapp. How is it possible to communicate with someone who refuses to communicate? I am so very done with him, he's behaving like a petulant two year old. Even the kids can see it but they are worried about his wellbeing.

So close to asking him to leave but workng FT and managing all of DD's schooling/EOTAS package is rough. I do most of it but adding in more may break me (I work late as it is to cope but that will mean cancelling even more meetings).

I think I may actually be done this time.

@lostmywayrightnow I hear you. no advice but sending solidarity x

I do think DH has some rejection sensitivity - I reckon that's what's behind the times he becomes dysregulated. Like he felt DS was somehow rejecting or defying him by not being able to learn things easily.

I have a some RS and my daughter does and it wouldn’t present this way for us, but I know we are all different. Frustration yeah but rejection because someone can’t learn something I can’t see the connection. All I see is sadness and empathy because to see her struggle is to see myself struggle at her age and I can’t be mad for my own struggle, I have empathy for my younger self. Perhaps it is a rejection of his own struggle he can’t face.

@lostmywayrightnow i had so many breaking points where I thought I can’t do this anymore. And I so wanted to leave for years before I actually did - by ending up in a mental hospital. It’s not the way I thought our split would happen but a repeated theme I felt was that I was so trapped, and there was no way out. When I cried and said I was exhausted and couldn’t go on over the years, my dh just didn’t get it. He’d dismiss my pleas for help, for kindness, for understanding, for relational support with the kids. And then when I was sick, he didn’t help me. He left me on the bed and my brother who is a normal functioning human being who can adequately assess medical risk took me to A&E, this was a few months prior to my breakdown, My husband ‘didn’t have the time’ that night. He went to Sainsbury’s to do the weekly shop instead. He followed his routines that make him feel safe. The next day he went to the gym for three hours, in the morning. He didn’t stay with me. And I was so subjugated and dismissed and used to prioritising his needs, I didn’t push him to take me to A&E because when you feel that ill, you can’t push, you’re too unwell. So my brother who I feel much safer with, who I knew would look after me come heaven or high water, he took me. After a period of a few months the anxiety hit me hard as I realised my husband was never going to truly be there for me. 20 years I spent with this man, but relationships are only tested in high stress periods. You find out with loss or sickness if the relationship can support you or do the opposite. I wish I hadn’t had a breakdown however I found out the truth and it’s saved me many more years with a fraud. I don’t want to love someone anymore who can’t love me back in the way I know love. And if I’m honest love for him died a long time ago, I stayed for the children, for duty, for loyalty, for obligation. and because I was too exhausted to go through a divorce. But here I am… broken, exhausted, still recovering from mental breakdown, physical breakdown. I wish I’d done it when my mum was alive for her support.

It’s very painful and overwhelming to initiate a divorce but the thing that keeps me going is the relief and peace I will feel on the other side and for my children. Our house will be calm and this toxic critical influence will leave forever. I can’t wait.

Some questions to ask:

is your DH really there for you?
does he make things better or worse?
do you still love him?
if you could snap your fingers and have him gone, would you choose that option.

for me, I wanted him gone and had done for years but I couldn’t find a way, but in the end, my body kept the score and made the decision for me.

I hope you can make a life that’s less stressful for you whatever you choose. You only have one life though… so we must all try to live it well.

For everyone teetering on the leave/don't leave decision I have a depressing post I'm afraid.

They get worse as they get older. The masking fails, it's too much effort. If they get ill they have nothing left to care about anyone but themselves.

The change that retirement brings is one huge change that's too much for them to cope with. They no longer undestand who they even are. All their models have gone.

If you're thinking of leaving and are financially able to, then leave. If you wait and they become ill, and you still care about them at all, then leaving when they're ill will crucify you with guilt. If you wait until they retire and they change almost beyond recognition you may be so entrenched in being part of a couple you feel you can't, or don't want to, function by yourself (especially if you are ND yourself).

Be aware of what's likely to be in front of you. Don't leave it till it's too late.

This is certainly true for DH. He’s got worse as he’s got older. More and more entrenched in his routines, less and less care for anyone else as I discovered to my cost. He talks of retirement with dread, he can’t imagine a life without structure and needing to battle against something. His whole life is achievements, numbers, routines, systems, optimising, efficiencies. It’s actually masses of anxiety numbed our into all
these systems. Then he has no room for anything else, no time for emotions, for relationships, for love. It’s a horrific way to live. I want no part of it any more.

I hope you got away @Imdunfer 🤞

It’s my worst nightmare I become his carer. He has no one else and I am a kind and empathetic person. Part of me hopes he meets someone else. They’re welcome to him. He should come with a health warning though.

You describe mine in the lead up to retirement.

I didn't get away, I had too much to lose in my 30s to 50s, (a whole lifestyle I valued) and by the time I was ready to give up that lifestyle, I was too much of a coward, and then he got sick. After 4 relentless years he is finally well and my stress-triggered autoimmune condition is also in remission, surprise! When he's well I would rather have him here to do all the house admin, more than half the chores, do my tech support and have someone to go out for lunch, to the cinema and on holiday with. He is clever and can be interesting, entertaining and fun, when he cares enough to try. I've mostly reconciled myself to the lack of any genuine connection, to his inability to show that he cares about me. But it's a very fine balance. We've been together 48 years, I really don't think I can raise the energy to manage a breakup or manage my life completely alone. That wouldn't be easy with ADHD myself. When he's bad I think of the extremely toxic pills in a box in my bedroom, not divorce. Irrespective of his issues, I have been afraid all my life of the process of growing old so it has never seemed like a bad option not to.

I'm taking a holiday alone in a weeks time (boy that's upset him! ) and I've told him that now he's well and I'm no longer acting in a carer role he needs to use the break to work out who he is and I need to use it to break the habit of watching his every move for mental and physical health issues and that when I come back we need to work out what we have left and if we are both prepared to accept that.

@Mini2025 re gettimg ill.
DH genuinely cannot deal with it, doesn’t know what to do and resists even more to any change to his plans.
Last one was when I needed an MRI scan to rule out cancer but it happened to be on a day when he was busy with his hobby. When I asked him to take me, the look on his face was just pure panic.
It just do happened that dc1 was back from Uni on that day and it’s him that took me…
(Everything was fine re the MRI btw)

@Imdunfer what you’re describing looks very similar than what happened with my FIL.
Being a farmer, he hadn’t retired (and would never have seen himself as fully retiring, even if he had only been keeping a few sheep). But the reliance on MIL whilst refusing to discuss things AND expecting her to do things as he wanted. Whilst running the farm on her own. Whilst doing things his way, not hers (never mind that she couldn’t if only just for the difference in strength).

I dint think she was that distraught when he died…..

But I can’t live like this. I can’t live with someone who can’t adequately assess a medical emergency and take action. He acknowledged that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have moved heaven and earth for him. I felt abandoned when at my most vulnerable, I was in danger and he didn’t step up. It’s ok for an MRI, which is a booked in appointment, Dh has never come to any appointments like that and I know not to ask. It’s a joke to expect him to come. He’s not ever available for things like that.

When the shit hits the fan, can you cope with your DH ignoring you?

To explain: My heart was not stable that night (already gone tachycardic twice in 24h, I was taken in by ambulance back to hospital for checkups) and I was having a thyroid storm after surgery and I felt extremely ill but they didn’t diagnose this until 5am. My brother sat with me for 6h until we saw someone so I could get the meds I needed to calm my heart down. It was really scary. My husband went to bed and had a good nights sleep. My brother has a family of his own, two kids, why should he be picking up my husband’s slack?

As we get older, more things go wrong. I’m living with someone who won’t be there for me in the future. I’d rather be alone and have his toxic criticism and control gone.

His dad died a few weeks ago. He went to work, not the funeral. He didn’t even visit his family. Yes they live in another country but it’s not far. Can fly in and out the same day. Few days later he flew to a different country for work…

He avoids all feelings. Classic dismissive avoidant attachment style.

And sorry Mangetout, it’s not to sound judgemental in my previous post though I do come across as a bit ranty, we all have different areas we can compromise but it crossed a line for me and my husband has not stepped up like yours has, by the sounds of things. I’m glad you have a better relationship than I do and that he responded when you asked for help ❤️

@Mini2025 I feel a lot like you with my own mum. She has managed to avoid every single occasion where we have medically needed her. This isn’t a relationship, I don’t know what it is but you can’t have any sense of a relationship with someone like this. Abandoned me will all my pregnancies, to the point of being out of the country. My daughter had some news this week which will affect her life and we are all feeling a little down. Her reply to this is “move on”. There is no acknowledgment whatsoever. I actually can’t be bothered anymore, this is not worth the heartache.

I'm sorry for those of you dealing with these big issues. Luckily mine steps up on medical stuff, but it's still always "I couldn't manage without you" rather than "I'm sorry you feel so dreadful".

The little things are also a giveaway, aren't they? If I come downstairs and the kettle is still half full after having made tea, then I know he's reset to a model from years ago when kettles used to boil quickly, and we're not in for a good day.....

I still can’t understand why a person who loves another person isn’t effected by how the other person is feeling? When someone you love is sad then you get sad and want to do something to make the sad person feel better. If my child is sad how can I go about my day completely unaffected. When she is sad I am sad, I don’t feel better until I know she feels better. I could go on holiday or shopping and it would be ruined by my feelings for my daughter. Am I abnormal?

That's almost a definition of autism, it's one of the tests they use, whether they can understand and ”feel”. what someone else is feeling. Most can't, ime

I only lived with it at close quarters for twelve years but some of it rubbed off. Its devastating and very disturbing how unable ive been to 'come back to life' after living with someone who showed utter indifference to any distress - and some objectively extremely distressing things happened in those 12 years - of mine. I had to ice empathy and it's still locked away deep inside and Ive lost the key. When my younger child is upset, sometimes I just dont know how to comfort him.

I was very vulnerable when I met him and being married was a disaster. And I miss being able to be present for my children.

All I can do is talk and explain, but they deserve so much more.

@Mini2025 please rant away.
im sorry you were let down when you needed support. I’ve had tachycardia issues before (SVT). It’s not nice. Adding other issues on the top must have made things even scariest.

And even though our dh sound very similar (mine is very much avoidant too 🙄🙄), we all have our ways of dealing with what’s going on. Please don’t feel that because I found some sort of balance, then you should have too.
This was clearly a line in the sand moment for you. And you have all the rights in the world to feel like that!
I hope that the move towards separation will come quickly for you. Do you know when you might be able to live in different places?

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar 🫂🫂

Not sure what else to say. Mainly because I dint think there’s an easy solution or some sort checklist you can go through to have all those feelings come back to life.

Have you had the opportunity to see a therapist specialised in trauma? (I personally think that a lot of what we’ve all gone through can be labelled trauma. Even if it wasn’t malicious)

I’ve read that it can also be emotionally immature people. They use people and once they have to give without getting anything they aren’t interested.