Ex-H having baby with woman he has apparently been seeing for 3.5 weeks

[utterlygobsmackedrightnow]

Here is the background:
Ex-H and I were together for 12 years – the last few years weren’t great. We had periods of relationship counselling a few times, the most recent being between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out and DD and I stayed in the family home until June 2025 when we sold it and moved. Divorce has just gone through. DD off to uni. Everything has remained reasonably amicable and we share care of the family dogs so see each other for a quick dog handover most weeks and occasionally a cup of tea. I tried really hard to make our marriage work over the years but he never put the same degree of energy into this that I did – lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual. (Should also mention that he is DD’s stepdad, not bio dad, been in her life since she was 4).

This week:
Ex-H drops off the dogs last Friday and stops for a chat. He mentions that he has started seeing someone and thought he should tell me – that’s fair enough, we’ve not been properly ‘together’ for 2 years really as we agreed to separate in November 2023, and I imagined it would happen at some point and am very happy to be single and free of him. Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

Today:
He drops off the dogs AND TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. I express almost comedy levels of shocked surprise, followed by quite a lot of WTAF and does he seriously expect me to believe he is having a baby with someone he apparently didn’t date until the end of October??? He gets out his laptop to show me the email she sent him on 25th October asking him out for a coffee because he wants me to believe he is a decent man and telling me the truth. So let’s say that they went out for coffee 25 days ago, and had sex that day at the very earliest, she’s apparently pregnant now and they are both delighted???

This is insane, right? He genuinely expects me to believe that this has all happened since the 25th of October and that there was no relationship whatsoever between them previously. Does he think I am the stupidest woman in the world?

He’s 55, she’s 36. If they are actually having a baby, he’ll be 60 by the time it goes to primary school, and 74 when it goes to uni.

I don’t care about him meeting someone else, I sure as hell don’t want him – but I do care about the idea that there has probably been something going on since we were still together and he is lying to me though his teeth. I hate being lied to more than anything – it is treating someone like they are utterly stupid and beneath you. I hate the idea of completely losing trust in someone that I spent a long time with, and that is still part of my DD’s life. I am wondering if the bullshit cover story is actually because he doesn’t want my DD to hate and disrespect him, rather than giving a toss what I think of him. This is a man who really likes to think of himself as decent and honourable. There’s no chance this story is real, is there? It’s like the rational part of my brain can see it’s ridiculous and expecting me to believe it is quite frankly insulting my intelligence, but there’s another part that wants to believe in the ‘decent and honest man’ persona and can’t get my head around the idea that he has been lying to me for probably quite a long time, and is not the man I thought he was in any way, shape or form.

(BTW when I have ever read anything like this on MN I have suspected it was probably made up nonsense because it’s too ludicrous to be real, but this has actually happened to me this week, so I apologise to anyone I ever doubted because apparently this shit really does go on, in fairly normal people’s lives. And then I always wonder why people would immediately write about it on a random forum but I am still trying to process all of this and interested to hear what other women think, I guess.)

It might not be you the lie is intended for ? Maybe the 36yr old has recently left a partner and isn't at the same stage of seperation that you are ? It might be financially prudent for them to lie about the conception date.

lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual.

Sounds like the new partner is in for a real treat !

He is your ex don't give it a second though, however I think he is liying to you and they have been together more that a few weeks. Excusatio non petita acusatio manifesta.

To be fair happy accidents like this do happen the first time. And you are free of him thankfully. Your feelings are normal though, I'd be a bit hurt too by the timing although it does sound like you haven't really been together for a while now.

I think you should ask him not to tell your DD so early on in the pregnancy.

With his older (& likely lower-quality) sperm the likelihood of miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy is much higher.

Also, the mum may decide that having a baby within such a new relationship is foolish and decide to abort.

Taking him at his word, they’ve only been dating a few weeks, so who knows if they’ll still be together in 9 months time.

Plus, and I would emphasise this to him, he barely knows this woman, the pregnancy has happened suspiciously fast and the baby may not be his; is he planning on getting a DNA test? What if the baby comes out as a different ethnicity to both the mother and your ex?

There’s lots of reasons why your DD doesn’t need to know about this pregnancy, essentially it may not happen or the baby may not be his.

I would be suspicious too OP. But at this stage, I would just point out all of the above to him and if he is being honest with you about the nature of this relationship, he probably has his own concerns about whether he’s actually the father or not. If he’s being dishonest, he’ll probably be a lot more determined that the baby is definitely his.

Morning folks. Thanks very much for your responses - it’s been good to read them (well, most of them anyway!). I agree that I need to just get on with my nice calm life and try not to think too much on why he’s spinning this strange narrative - it does all seem a bit unnecessary though! The more I think back, the more unlikely it seems that they met once in 2023 because he has worked on projects with her company since 2021 at least. It does all rather shake your faith in what you thought you knew and who you thought someone was.

We all (including DD) really love the dogs and I am pretty reliant on his maintaining his agreed shared ownership of them to hold down my job and support myself financially post-divorce, so here’s hoping the civilised adult dog sharing continues in some form. I do know other ex-couples who have managed this successfully even with new partners, etc.

I think I will suggest he holds off mentioning this to DD til after the 12-week scan as it might be better for their relationship and for DD.

Anyway, as a few of you have said, starting again with a new baby at our age would be insanely exhausting - just at a time when you’re out the other side of parenting! Rather him than me, that’s for sure!

Also thinking ahead to his future - if he and new lady were to stay together, she will have a 74 year old partner and 17 year old child when she is the age we are now - blimey. Good luck with that!

That's a good call on the 12 week embargo, I think. And your DD may have many confused feelings about this, so I'm sure you'll be standing by to support her. Acting with honour is a great comfort in these situations. 🤗

55 though... he's going to be exhausted for the rest of his life now! Not to mention skint! 😄

I know a lot of people do have these age gaps and have hugely successful relationships so this is just my own opinion on me personally but theres no way I would have gone for someone age 55 when I was 36.

Agree with PP that there’s actually nothing to say he is lying. At his age this is hardly going to be a planned pregnancy. The other woman is young in comparison to him. Maybe it was her who wanted to make sure everyone knows? Perhaps she is delighted and perhaps he is too, given this is apparently his first bio child? Not everyone waits 12 weeks to tell family and he might be trying extra hard to keep thin gf s transparent with you, hence not waiting to tell you.

All in all, it doesn’t bloody matter. I think you focusing on the potential of being lied to is a red herring. Of course no one likes being lied to but there’s equal chance here that isn’t happening. It’s okay if you’re upset about the situation as a whole. Anyone would find it upsetting.

Just get him out of your life - stop sharing custody of the dogs. It is rare to hear something new and ridiculous on MN, but sharing custody of the dogs has to be it for me.

Just get him out of your life - stop sharing custody of the dogs. It is rare to hear something new and ridiculous on MN, but sharing custody of the dogs has to be it for me.

I know of three couples who did this post divorce/relationship ending and it worked/works well.

The odds are that he's lying. But I do know someone who got someone pregnant on their 2nd date and they kept the baby. It was 4 weeks after they met that they told people.

It's entirely possible they didn't have sex until October, and she's now pregnant. However, it's also possible the woman was already pregnant and is palming the baby off as your ex's baby. I think the most likely scenario is that this woman and your ex have been in a relationship for far longer than he's let on. Why he's told you this woman is pregnant now, so early on in the pregnancy is beyond me. Most people wait until the 12 week scan, before they start to tell people. At this point he really had no need to tell you. Do you live close to each other? Could you have accidentally bumped into them together, and it would be obvious she's pregnant? Does your daughter still see her step-Dad? Could he be concerned you'd find out via her?! Honestly, I wouldn't give it much thought now. You'll never likely to find out the truth, and it's not your business any longer what your ex is doing. I would be secretly having a laugh, because he's going to have a very full plate, at 56! Be grateful it's him and not you!!!

I wouldn’t let a partner take my dog full time any more than I’d let them take any kids full time. I know of two couples who pet share after a split, and one couple who drew straws to decide who took the cat and who took the dog. That last couple, one partner cried for months over never seeing the dog again.

There is nothing ridiculous about loving your pets and not wanting to hand them over forever.

Just take it at face value.
It's nonr of your business. You haven't been together for 2 years. During which time his private life is his own really.
It sounds like he is isn't really a bad guy. You still want him in your DDs life and like having a cup of tea with him.
Why are you even bothered. He is entitled to do what he likes really. Up to you if you still want to be friends.

I hate when people act like people shouldn’t have feelings about something an ex does. It takes years to fully heal sometimes. She was with the man for 12 years.

OP, get the dogs chipped in your name and keep them. Don’t waste your time having to see him all the time

I hate when people act like people shouldn’t have feelings about something an ex does. It takes years to fully heal sometimes. She was with the man for 12 years.

OP, get the dogs chipped in your name and keep them. Don’t waste your time having to see him all the time

He could be telling the truth. Maybe she ovulated early. I fell pregnant with my ds2 on the pill and unless I had an immaculate conception, he was conceived on day 9 of cycle. Withdraw bleed didn't come and I had tender breasts so I took a test around day 25 and it was positive.

I ended up telling my XH early on around 5 weeks. I felt as we coparent well and were on friendly terms, it was better for him to be in the loop rather than hiding it from him.

It must be a shock for you and I would be upset too but more fool him having a newborn at his age.

It's all a bit weird - does seem unlikely he's got together with her and she's got pregnant within three weeks, but possible I suppose. But as others have said - not your circus, not your monkeys. There's no point torturing yourself worrying about whether he was cheating on you or not - you are well shot of him, which was your choice anyway. Onwards!

Good luck to him with a baby at his age though! Christ, I'm a bit younger and I think all those sleepless nights would break me now!

It is more likely that it’s not his of course, but thanks to my contraception simply not being effective, I fell pregnant after 3 weeks with my partner, with my DD! So it is possible and it is biologically impossible for DD to be anyone else’s baby! Definitely can happen

Of course he's spinning you utter bollocks. No one meets someone, gets them immediately pregnant, finds out within a matter of weeks, and is thrilled about it - all in less than a month.

But also, he's been your ex for 2 years. And while you are perfectly entitled to feel annoyed and upset, it's not really any of your concern. He's made his bed, now he can lie in it.

The only person it might affect is your DD. But presumably she knows you've been split up for 2 years, and people get in other relationships? Also, this child won't be a biological sibling to her, so there's no particular reason for her to get involved or too invested.

This is a popular song on MN.

Even if the story is true - I would still be looking at alternative arrangements for the dogs. His new GF could either want him with her every second of the pregnancy because she might be insecure or just plain need him there, and she's sure as hell going to need him around a lot when the baby comes. So he's not going to be as available for the dogs as he previously was, so a dog walker at least might be called for.

It does all sound remarkably suss, but you have to shrug and accept it (although you are allowed to swear when nobody is around). He's a neglectful partner who is about to go into the most intense period of his life at an age when most people are slowing down a bit. Good luck to his new partner.

Your ex seems weird. Why is he so adamant about you knowing the dates when they met if you hadn’t been together since 2023 anyway? Even if he met her before you officially split up, you say things weren’t great anyway so it doesn’t really matter now, it’s all in the past.

Him bringing a laptop to show you her emails and making up such an implausible story is really bizarre. Leave them to it, he’s either bullshitting about the dates or the baby isn’t his. Secretly, I think I’d rather enjoy the schadenfreude of the latter 🤣 but either way, you’re free now. Perhaps he’s trying to paint himself as the good guy while hoping you might be a bit jealous of his new family!

I wouldn't write it off as a lie. I know two couples where the woman got pregnant within weeks of them having sex for the first time. In both cases, I am as sure as anyone can be that they weren't in a secret relationship before. It does happen.

Because it's normal to have emotional reactions to being lied to and potentially cheated on that's why. Thought that would have been obvious.