Ex-H having baby with woman he has apparently been seeing for 3.5 weeks

[utterlygobsmackedrightnow]

Here is the background:
Ex-H and I were together for 12 years – the last few years weren’t great. We had periods of relationship counselling a few times, the most recent being between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out and DD and I stayed in the family home until June 2025 when we sold it and moved. Divorce has just gone through. DD off to uni. Everything has remained reasonably amicable and we share care of the family dogs so see each other for a quick dog handover most weeks and occasionally a cup of tea. I tried really hard to make our marriage work over the years but he never put the same degree of energy into this that I did – lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual. (Should also mention that he is DD’s stepdad, not bio dad, been in her life since she was 4).

This week:
Ex-H drops off the dogs last Friday and stops for a chat. He mentions that he has started seeing someone and thought he should tell me – that’s fair enough, we’ve not been properly ‘together’ for 2 years really as we agreed to separate in November 2023, and I imagined it would happen at some point and am very happy to be single and free of him. Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

Today:
He drops off the dogs AND TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. I express almost comedy levels of shocked surprise, followed by quite a lot of WTAF and does he seriously expect me to believe he is having a baby with someone he apparently didn’t date until the end of October??? He gets out his laptop to show me the email she sent him on 25th October asking him out for a coffee because he wants me to believe he is a decent man and telling me the truth. So let’s say that they went out for coffee 25 days ago, and had sex that day at the very earliest, she’s apparently pregnant now and they are both delighted???

This is insane, right? He genuinely expects me to believe that this has all happened since the 25th of October and that there was no relationship whatsoever between them previously. Does he think I am the stupidest woman in the world?

He’s 55, she’s 36. If they are actually having a baby, he’ll be 60 by the time it goes to primary school, and 74 when it goes to uni.

I don’t care about him meeting someone else, I sure as hell don’t want him – but I do care about the idea that there has probably been something going on since we were still together and he is lying to me though his teeth. I hate being lied to more than anything – it is treating someone like they are utterly stupid and beneath you. I hate the idea of completely losing trust in someone that I spent a long time with, and that is still part of my DD’s life. I am wondering if the bullshit cover story is actually because he doesn’t want my DD to hate and disrespect him, rather than giving a toss what I think of him. This is a man who really likes to think of himself as decent and honourable. There’s no chance this story is real, is there? It’s like the rational part of my brain can see it’s ridiculous and expecting me to believe it is quite frankly insulting my intelligence, but there’s another part that wants to believe in the ‘decent and honest man’ persona and can’t get my head around the idea that he has been lying to me for probably quite a long time, and is not the man I thought he was in any way, shape or form.

(BTW when I have ever read anything like this on MN I have suspected it was probably made up nonsense because it’s too ludicrous to be real, but this has actually happened to me this week, so I apologise to anyone I ever doubted because apparently this shit really does go on, in fairly normal people’s lives. And then I always wonder why people would immediately write about it on a random forum but I am still trying to process all of this and interested to hear what other women think, I guess.)

I agree with this 👆

There’s some stupid comments on this thread about the dogs. I love dogs but it’s apparent some posters on here hate them with a passion and want everyone to know it. 😐

The OP has already said how much she and her daughter love the dogs, so she won’t be dumping them at a rescue.

Liars tend to over explain, no one likes a liar.

And also mentioned her Ex loves them too 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes they all love the dogs. Which is great.

Pretty irresponsible of him to have sex with someone young enough to be his daughter and not use protection at the supposed start of their relationship. He's now reaping the consequences of course, but she can only have taken the test in the last week, maybe 10 days, so bizarre he's telling you so soon. The pregnancy might not even succeed. Good call on your part to ask him to wait until 12 weeks before telling your DD.

Might be worth getting his agreement now that, should this pregnancy go full term and he become unable to mind/ walk the dogs due to the new baby, he instead contributes to a dog sitter/walker to cover his days.

If this pregnancy does go full term, it will be interesting for you to see whether baby suddenly "arrives early" OP.

The weirdest thing is that he mentioned how he’d met her before you two separated, but that they definitely didn’t date until last month. I don’t know why he needed to add that caveat. He could have just said I have known this woman for a while but we only started dating a month ago and she’s already pregnant. The extra detail makes him seem guilty, plus the fact he felt he needed to prove something by showing the email.

I think I’d just pity him in truth. I’m guessing he previously had no biological children and so has found himself in a situation like Hugh Grant, becoming a father for the first time in his 50s. It’s very, very late in the game and I’d imagine that like Grant, he’s probably going to age 20 years overnight.

In fairness Hugh Grant v much looks dapper, and very much a doting dad. There no suggestion Hugh was coerced or fell into fatherhood

The dead giveaway is the over explaining.

Bad liars always think that providing a detailed explaination adds weight to the lie when in fact it does the opposite.

"I just started seeing X and she is pregnant already!" Would get a surprised "oh, ok, err congratulations" The laptop, the intricate details and insisting on providing proof that no one asked for is what gives this away as a mountain sized whopper.

He’s definitely lying. Don’t ever doubt that. Trust your gut instincts, they’re always right! Stupid men think they can get away with lies like this because, well, they’re stupid! No point trying to get him to be honest, he will lie until his head falls off. Just be thankful that you’re free, unlike this poor woman who is now tied to him forever!

He moved out over a year ago so why would he need to lie to you? He could easily have said they started dating in the spring even if needed to lie, which I’d get he might do if he’d been seeing her while still with you.

But that seems unlikely. But yes if they only started dating a month ago maybe he got her pregnant on date one, they found out a couple weeks ago and he’s needed to tell you early for some odd reason. Maybe he does have doubts and think you’ll talk sense to him? I agree she could be fibbing and she might be more pregnant than he knows.

If he’s having a new baby can you have the dogs full time would be my evil plan 🤣 he’s definitely lying but just use that to remind yourself that you made the right decision divorcing him.

I’ve decided to try to stop thinking about it - the whole story is so weird that who knows what the truth of it is. He’s said he’ll still honour his commitments to the dogs and DD. What will happen when he realises that might be difficult and expensive - again, who knows! His life is about to become exhausting and chaotic and it’s quite unlikely that his relationship with the lady in question will last long-term so then he’ll have the joys of years of co-parenting and child support ahead of him. And his previous ideas about taking early retirement and working less now also seem unlikely!

My yoga teacher was talking about equanimity in my class last night which was timely - peace and calm is all I want in my life.

If the new baby with the new partner isn’t his, he doesn’t owe the new lady anything and can walk at any time. He doesn’t owe maintenance to her, child support, anything, and since it’s a short term relationship with the new woman, why would he stick around? Especially at his age.

You need to cut contact with this man. You split 2 years ago, so why are you clinging on with dear life to a dead relationship. He’s clearly moved on. Why haven’t you? Take the dogs to the rescue centre. If your ex was so concerned about his dogs, he would take them back and care for them himself. And your purpose of keeping the dogs is to keep your ex hanging around. Why would your ex continue a relationship with your DD? It’s not his daughter and he’s got a new baby. His new partner will definitely have words about his giving money and visiting his ex (you) and your adult daughter (who is not his child).

You need to stand back and realise that continuing contacting him is counter-productive to your own happiness. It’s causing mental stress and is preventing finding a new relationship.

Call me cynical but at 36 I doubt this was a surprise to that woman

Unless that is the first time they did the deed and she’s trying to foist an earlier pregnancy on him 😳 Dum dum dum…

There are women who only have to look at a man to get pregnant (I met one like that years ago). It is also possible that at 36 she was desperate to get pregnant and maybe lied about contraception, determined to have a baby whether the man stuck around or not. He may be delighted to have his own biological child even if it wasn't planned. OP seems too invested with him still, they split up as a couple some time ago and maybe meeting so regularly for the dogs wasn't a good idea, but they certainly shouldn't be sent to a rescue home, as a PP said. They can make the handover brief without cups of tea and chat.

Why the hell should the poor dogs suffer when by OP’s own admission they both love the dogs . What a nasty thing to say! Not to mention her DD has had him in her life so maybe still wants to see him. You really are quite heartless. As much as this is awful for OP and agree he’s a vile bastard doing this to them there are other factors to consider here

The DD might want the relationship to continue, the OP might want the ex to continue with the DD as the ex gives her money. But 2 years after the split the ex might have other ideas, as it’s not his child & he now has his own child. Having your own child is a powerful concentration of feelings. Also, the new partner will definitely put her foot down about visiting an ex fortnightly. Personally, I do think the new kid is his own, it’s just the OP prefers to think the ex’s set-up is worse than it is, as that makes her feel better. The ex could be much happier than the OP is making out.

Very sensible.
Life goes on ... and you and your DD and your dogs will have a great life.

You really should on the Team GB long jump team for some of the leaps you have made on this thread. Making assertions with no evidence, making assumptions with no evidence and acting like you know that which you do not know!

Hi op it’s probably hard to not think the worst but if it is true they are both as mad as each other. If I was you just be aware if they move in together the dogs might get not fit in with his new life so be aware of this. Your better off without him it will just take time to process the situation.

lol agree talks a load of rubbish

Oh bore off you are being ridiculous