Ex-H having baby with woman he has apparently been seeing for 3.5 weeks

[utterlygobsmackedrightnow]

Here is the background:
Ex-H and I were together for 12 years – the last few years weren’t great. We had periods of relationship counselling a few times, the most recent being between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out and DD and I stayed in the family home until June 2025 when we sold it and moved. Divorce has just gone through. DD off to uni. Everything has remained reasonably amicable and we share care of the family dogs so see each other for a quick dog handover most weeks and occasionally a cup of tea. I tried really hard to make our marriage work over the years but he never put the same degree of energy into this that I did – lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual. (Should also mention that he is DD’s stepdad, not bio dad, been in her life since she was 4).

This week:
Ex-H drops off the dogs last Friday and stops for a chat. He mentions that he has started seeing someone and thought he should tell me – that’s fair enough, we’ve not been properly ‘together’ for 2 years really as we agreed to separate in November 2023, and I imagined it would happen at some point and am very happy to be single and free of him. Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

Today:
He drops off the dogs AND TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. I express almost comedy levels of shocked surprise, followed by quite a lot of WTAF and does he seriously expect me to believe he is having a baby with someone he apparently didn’t date until the end of October??? He gets out his laptop to show me the email she sent him on 25th October asking him out for a coffee because he wants me to believe he is a decent man and telling me the truth. So let’s say that they went out for coffee 25 days ago, and had sex that day at the very earliest, she’s apparently pregnant now and they are both delighted???

This is insane, right? He genuinely expects me to believe that this has all happened since the 25th of October and that there was no relationship whatsoever between them previously. Does he think I am the stupidest woman in the world?

He’s 55, she’s 36. If they are actually having a baby, he’ll be 60 by the time it goes to primary school, and 74 when it goes to uni.

I don’t care about him meeting someone else, I sure as hell don’t want him – but I do care about the idea that there has probably been something going on since we were still together and he is lying to me though his teeth. I hate being lied to more than anything – it is treating someone like they are utterly stupid and beneath you. I hate the idea of completely losing trust in someone that I spent a long time with, and that is still part of my DD’s life. I am wondering if the bullshit cover story is actually because he doesn’t want my DD to hate and disrespect him, rather than giving a toss what I think of him. This is a man who really likes to think of himself as decent and honourable. There’s no chance this story is real, is there? It’s like the rational part of my brain can see it’s ridiculous and expecting me to believe it is quite frankly insulting my intelligence, but there’s another part that wants to believe in the ‘decent and honest man’ persona and can’t get my head around the idea that he has been lying to me for probably quite a long time, and is not the man I thought he was in any way, shape or form.

(BTW when I have ever read anything like this on MN I have suspected it was probably made up nonsense because it’s too ludicrous to be real, but this has actually happened to me this week, so I apologise to anyone I ever doubted because apparently this shit really does go on, in fairly normal people’s lives. And then I always wonder why people would immediately write about it on a random forum but I am still trying to process all of this and interested to hear what other women think, I guess.)

How many weeks pregnant does he think she is?

Ah mate, haven't you heard, men are able to go on having kids into late old age? It's one of the great things about being a man! They don't hit no wall like us poor women! We're all used up and washed out at (insert the whatever current official 'wall' age) but men keep on getting more valuable as they age.
/s

I had a decent and honest man, until he wasn’t. You’ll come to terms with it OP

25 days along.

It’s all very odd and I would be glad not to be directly involved in any of it.

The best thing you can do @utterlygobsmackedrightnow is just keep things civil with him for the sake of him continuing to keep his side of the deal re looking after your shared dogs. Don’t express your annoyance at his possible lies/ craziness or he could use that as an excuse to stop helping with them.

Secretly I would be having negative feelings too. It won’t be at all easy for him having a baby at his age though, that’s a thought to cheer you up.

I agree with this 👆

If indeed the baby is his. While thing has shit show written all over it. If you really must keep seeing him then buckle up for lots of drama and enmeshment.

I wonder and didn't read everyome else's posts to see if this has been said already.... could he just be happy that he is having a child in his fifties - the whole virile man, younger woman trope? It still works yay!😂

So ratheelr than having lied to you the wholw time, he might have fancied her before this and that is what makes him seem guilty.

Well I conceived my second on the first night of trying at 42 so it’s completely possible, it’s more that generally you wouldn’t be telling people until the pregnancy was a bit further on. It seems highly unlikely that she has only tested positive in the past week or so and is telling people already. So as pps said, either he is lying about the timing or he isn’t the father.

I still have my ex take my dog when she wants to or when I'm away with work/friends etc. We split up in 2016 and have no children. It's not unheard of and it is difficult to manage dog care as a single person.

I'm a bit supriaed that he didn't say she used the loo after him and must have got pregnant from the toilet seat.

This doesn't negate the good times you had in your marriage, and you seem to have a reasonable relationship now, he's still very much in your DDs life, you're civil to each other.

Things weren't good at the end, and it seems like he was in some way involved with thiscwoman - but what a punishment, a baby at his age, no one will be envying him, the more people he tells his unbelievable story to, the more people who lose a bit of respect for him.

And he's going to be exhausted, bone weary, for so long.

Hopefully your DD will see it as a positive, a sort of step-sibling, it is great that he still has a relationship with her and cares about her.

I think you need to reassess your post divorce relationship. The whole scenario that he needs to justify a new relationship by pulling out a laptop and searching for an email whilst you stand by is just something I can’t get my head around.

The marriage was over for years. He has no obligation to you in terms of explaining his relationship. Whether it started 3 weeks, months or years ago. I don’t know why you engaged in any discussion or laptop interrogation. Surely you just tell him that you don’t want to be involved with his love life or want to know anything about it.

Either he believes you expected an explanation and a narrative that involved him being celibate for 3 years or you do expect it. Neither is healthy. The dog situation can be resolved and it is easy to see why this has led to you still being enmeshed in each others lives. It’s not tenable anyway if there is baby on the way.

At the end of the day the how when and why aren’t your business. And you won’t get any satisfaction or closure by trying to ferret out this information or engaging in his apparent subterfuge.

My guess is at 36 her biological clock’s ticking and there’s been a “happy accident “

looks like for all his faults you could no doubt list he’s sticking by her

Yes that’s right why would one care what their ex husband does? I mean he’s only the man you lived with,loved,raised a family with. He has delivered some unexpected news about a new baby, with very specific timings. Are you rebuking @utterlygobsmackedrightnow for not being blasé? We all care about a hierarchy of people,places events,things even if not directly involved with them anymore. It is wholly understandable to care about this, it’s a huge event. For the family their Dad is going to be a father , they have Dad & a new partner having a baby. It’s a big deal.

Human emotions aren’t logical or linear. It’s nor like flipping a switch off. Emotions arising relationships are long lasting and they have impact and significance, even years on. Yes a person is an ex for a reason. The reason itself will be multifaceted and simply being an ex doesn’t mean that person becomes of no note, and filed under do not care.

This is why I'd have to call out his whopping lie. I wouldn't want to think of him chuckling to himself that he'd got away with it. I wouldn't be nasty, I'd just say that nobody is buying the idea that he and this woman have only been together for 25 days and leave it at that.

Sad but true
You will be going through a range of emotions OP.
Please take care of yourself OP and take one step at a time.

I get it OP. You thought things were one way and it turns out they are likely another way. Being cheated on and lied to by someone you once trusted makes you question everything including your own competence. It doesn’t matter he’s your ex in this regard. As pp said this ‘has shit show written all over it’ for him. I’m glad you are free, well done you!

Is there any possibility that he is simply very naive about pregnancy and women's bodies, and actually this woman was pregnant already at the time they got together?

'They have dogs they share' - seriously? This is like an ancient (1990s) story about that migrant who was not deported because he 'had a connection to his boyfriend and they had cats together'.
This is laughable, he moved out, they share nothing, move on! He did.

Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

This part gives away his lies, we all know he is lying as he says to much

It's hurtful that it appears he has been deceitful, I can understand that - but would your relationship of died anyway? Was it due to the relationship dying that he was interested in someone else? You will never know.

He is cleary someone who need to be approved of his behaviour and this is certainly seeming out of character

Id ask him if the baby is his, in a concerning way and also mention that it might be best to leave telling your dd until the 12 weeks have passed

Hi @utterlygobsmackedrightnow

I get why you’re feeling angry at him and potential lie. However up until this news you were happy and relieved to be free of this relationship.

Try and find your way back to that place.

Maybe his new relationship has been a little bit longer than a month, maybe they were having odd drink or flirting in 2024 when you were faking it together for your DD.. who knows??
But please try not to make it important to you. You effectively broke up 2 years ago.

The main point is - it’s in the past now and you need to rediscover your calm and joy at being single and try and stop yourself from over thinking. It’s highly highly unlikely it was an affair in 2023 or he would have moved out earlier and not been so supportive of his step DD or the OW would most likely be living with him now.

Please look after yourself in all of this and enjoy your new life and keep looking ahead xx

You’ll never really know the truth because some women can get pregnant very easily. Just look at one night stands for example.

It’s only natural that it’s a big shock and possibly a massive realisation and dawning for you about the man you thought you knew, but importantly, don’t let it rock you or your daughter’s world.

I know great grandparents at his age. Think of all those sleepless nights, him on the playground and dealing with a teenager pushing 80. The list goes on. Having a child is a wonderful thing, but this is going to be really tough for him at his age.

Tbh, it'd be such a bizarre lie that I'd be inclined to believe him.
He may just be happy and excited and told you because he wanted to tell someone and you're close and comfortable - and you need to find out from him not anyone else. If you're civil enough for cups of tea then he probably considers you friends.

If he was seeing her at the end of your marriage, why lie and say its been a few weeks. You've been split up 2 years, he easily could have told you they'd been together 6 months/a year and you probably wouldn't have been as suspicious as you are now.

Also, he's probably taking the date they got together as the date they first slept together. Entirely likely they've been chatting for a few months with no sex, and he's taking the official date as date of first sex. Like a teenager 😆

…and she’ll probably want another one 😮

Wonder if this will be a prem baby. 5 months early weighing 8 pounds.
Anyway not your issue, so I’d leave him to get on with it.