Ex-H having baby with woman he has apparently been seeing for 3.5 weeks

[utterlygobsmackedrightnow]

Here is the background:
Ex-H and I were together for 12 years – the last few years weren’t great. We had periods of relationship counselling a few times, the most recent being between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out and DD and I stayed in the family home until June 2025 when we sold it and moved. Divorce has just gone through. DD off to uni. Everything has remained reasonably amicable and we share care of the family dogs so see each other for a quick dog handover most weeks and occasionally a cup of tea. I tried really hard to make our marriage work over the years but he never put the same degree of energy into this that I did – lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual. (Should also mention that he is DD’s stepdad, not bio dad, been in her life since she was 4).

This week:
Ex-H drops off the dogs last Friday and stops for a chat. He mentions that he has started seeing someone and thought he should tell me – that’s fair enough, we’ve not been properly ‘together’ for 2 years really as we agreed to separate in November 2023, and I imagined it would happen at some point and am very happy to be single and free of him. Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

Today:
He drops off the dogs AND TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. I express almost comedy levels of shocked surprise, followed by quite a lot of WTAF and does he seriously expect me to believe he is having a baby with someone he apparently didn’t date until the end of October??? He gets out his laptop to show me the email she sent him on 25th October asking him out for a coffee because he wants me to believe he is a decent man and telling me the truth. So let’s say that they went out for coffee 25 days ago, and had sex that day at the very earliest, she’s apparently pregnant now and they are both delighted???

This is insane, right? He genuinely expects me to believe that this has all happened since the 25th of October and that there was no relationship whatsoever between them previously. Does he think I am the stupidest woman in the world?

He’s 55, she’s 36. If they are actually having a baby, he’ll be 60 by the time it goes to primary school, and 74 when it goes to uni.

I don’t care about him meeting someone else, I sure as hell don’t want him – but I do care about the idea that there has probably been something going on since we were still together and he is lying to me though his teeth. I hate being lied to more than anything – it is treating someone like they are utterly stupid and beneath you. I hate the idea of completely losing trust in someone that I spent a long time with, and that is still part of my DD’s life. I am wondering if the bullshit cover story is actually because he doesn’t want my DD to hate and disrespect him, rather than giving a toss what I think of him. This is a man who really likes to think of himself as decent and honourable. There’s no chance this story is real, is there? It’s like the rational part of my brain can see it’s ridiculous and expecting me to believe it is quite frankly insulting my intelligence, but there’s another part that wants to believe in the ‘decent and honest man’ persona and can’t get my head around the idea that he has been lying to me for probably quite a long time, and is not the man I thought he was in any way, shape or form.

(BTW when I have ever read anything like this on MN I have suspected it was probably made up nonsense because it’s too ludicrous to be real, but this has actually happened to me this week, so I apologise to anyone I ever doubted because apparently this shit really does go on, in fairly normal people’s lives. And then I always wonder why people would immediately write about it on a random forum but I am still trying to process all of this and interested to hear what other women think, I guess.)

Why do you care?
Ignore him and be very nonchalant about it all.
Even if he cheated on you, you've already seperated,e even if he lied to you, he's not your problem anymore.
Enjoy your life

Why on earth do you think he'll go through anything negative due to "becoming a dad so late in life"? I suspect he won't, or rather if he does it won't be much.

To be clear, my words are not based on a belief that being a responsible, mature, caring father aged 55 doesn't come with many negatives. It's based on an assumption that he will show Ms 36 a similar level of love and attention that he did his first wife.

between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out

You have not been a couple for 2 years, so there's nothing here to suggest he was cheating on you.
My guess is that this was an unplanned pregnancy, but as she's going ahead with it, he decided to be "delighted" and to commit to supporting her and the new baby, because that's what he needs to do now.
His loyalty is now to his new partner and baby, having made that commitment, and as a decent man, that's as it should be.
The bizarre explanation could equally well be to let you know that "I was blindsided by this and it's a shock given the timing, but I've made my decision".

Please don't torture yourself by imagining that he cheated while you were together, as what you've said isn't any evidence of that. It sounds like you had a relationship which had some very positive aspects for years, and you clearly respect him. Many people never have that. The good aspects of your past relationship were a true achievement; feel proud of that.

Sending you . I used to wonder how I'd feel if ExH had a baby with someone else, because even though I'm very happy to be divorced from him and wish him all the best, you never quite know how you'll feel until these things happen.

Does he think you fell out of a tree? I left my ex partner and the home we shared in Feb 2011, relationship had been dead for years and I’d met someone else (who I’m now married to). Ex was adamant he didn’t want children but 15 months later he had a baby with someone else. It must have been going on behind my back but I didn’t care.

lol, so the new squeeze is apparently 5 minutes pregnant and he feels the need to tell his ex wife.
Aye, good luck with sleepless nights and nappies for the next few years, bye hun.

You're not together. It sounds like this baby is a surprise, but he is standing by the woman and supporting her. For that he is doing the decent and right thing.

lol, so the new squeeze is apparently 5 minutes pregnant and he feels the need to tell his ex wife.
Aye, good luck with sleepless nights and nappies for the next few years, bye hun.

This was also my thought.
Also, if she's literally only just got a positive test I'm surprised they're already telling people. I wonder if she's further along than he's said.

That's not quite how emotions work, they need to be processed.

@utterlygobsmackedrightnow just to say as the ex-wife of someone who seemed like a sane highly intelligent 50 year old man at the time I released him back into the wild - NOTHING would surprise me about yours. I totally believe your story based on the insanity my ex dragged himself, our 4 teens and me through over a woman of similar age. In the end they didn’t end up with a step-sibling thank god.

Your suggestion that he waits to tell her til 12 weeks is sound. I’d also be very mindful that despite him not being her bio dad this could hens a massive impact on her on top of the divorce. Good luck.

Don’t waste too much energy trying to figure out his madness.

All very strange this - proving stuff to you by showing you his laptop, the 'quick' pregnancy etc

A couple of theories - Could he be still holding a torch for you and wants you to be jealous and hurt? IME men rarely keep in contact with an ex, even if there's dogs involved, unless they have some sort of agenda. Many of them are selfish creatures. Hell, some of them can't even keep civil when children are involved never mind dogs!

-Is there real proof that she is actually pregnant? Chances are he could be making it up to test you - then there could be a mysterious 'miscarriage'

-If the pregnancy is real, he's obviously been lying about the length of their relationship, maybe he is just stupid thinking you will blindly believe the timeline?

It all sounds like something you can wipe your hands of now but I can't blame you for thinking about it. We are only human after all. Let him get on with his sleepless nights at 55, the novelty will soon wear off. You however OP are free to get on with your drama free life!

But I do agree with other posters that you need a back up plan for the dogs. New woman isn't going to entertain that arrangement, baby or not.

Wow, you nailed it!
Exactly how I felt

Either it's not his baby, or I'm sorry to say that old habits die hard - he's been lying to you for so long that he feels he still needs to justify himself with silly implausible stories. Having the laptop and email is just bizarre.

I don't understand why he wouldn't just say they've been dating since you sold the house? He was free to.

One thing is sure he is a liar!

He did not juts start the relationship 3.5 weeks ago that is for sure.

All the laptop nonsense and showing you an email aye right he's a knob.

Leave them to it you are well rid.

He is spineless and a liar and not even a good one at that.

This x100! Get over the shock, regroup, and leave him to enjoy the bed he's made :)

The only reason he has told you this is because he's about to end the dog arrangement and also "have to" cut back on the money he gives your DD in Uni. Babies are expensive and new pregnant partner won't like these ties he has with you.
He's not the person you knew for all of those years, this is his new life and you, the dogs and your daughter are about to be left in the past for him.

In his mind he thinks he's laying the ground work for all of this subtly by building a timeline of the new relationship.

Start figuring out a new plan for the dogs.

I don't believe any of it, apart from the fact he said he met her in September 2023.
That's probably when it started.
You were going to relationship counselling at that time and it sounds like the marriage really was on its last legs then and you decided to split in the November.
It is hurtful to find out that while you were having a last-ditch attempt to sae the marriage he was looking elsewhere so I can understand why you are shocked by it. But once the marriage was over in the November, even though you continued to live together, both of you were then free to meet other people if you wanted to.
There was no need for him to come up with this bullshit about October 2025 and show you an email. He could have just said he started dating her after the marriage ended and now she is pregnant.

Also, why is he telling you so early in the pregnancy? It's not necessary and most people don't because of the risk of losing the baby at that point.
If he wants to move in with her he's free to do so and he could have just told you that and then at a later point tell you about the baby.

And if she's more than 3.5 weeks pregnant then you'll find out anyway so what is the point in all of these lies?

They have been separated for 2 years, time to move on...

What a shit show. A good indicator of the truth would be his interest or lack of, in a getting a DNA test. Like wouldn’t he be a bit worried the baby isn’t his? :/ but whatever. Any engagement with him from now on should be ‘sure, Jim’, ‘if you say so’, ‘good luck with all that’ with a not very well disguised smile on your face. What a bed he’s made for himself at the big age he is 😂

He's not your friend, OP so I would leave the cosy chats behind. If he lets you down regarding dog care, Borrow My Doggy or similar could work just as well. Alternatively, if you and the dogs could bear it, you could take one dog each and never have to see each other again.

He may be delighted. A much younger partner, a new baby - 'see, I'm still a young man, life in the old dog yet!'

He also has the prospect of a new domestic appliance in his life - you mentioned his attitude to sharing the load, that won't have changed. Here's a new model ready to take on the domestics because if she's doing it anyway with the new baby then they'll soon settle into the routine he likes, then when they're at uni she'll still have plenty of energy to be centring him ...

She may be delighted. At her age she may have been thinking fertility, this is it, my last chance. Willing to take on the older man (who in twenty years will feel like one HELL of a lot older to her, but she has this to come!) and settle for that. Before anyone ats me; fertility declines in late thirties, we know this.

Still, none of this is your business. You've both been single two years.

But the 'have I been taken for a mug?' is understandably going to itch.

Sadly it's the dog arrangement that's preventing you stepping away. It could go on another ten years or so (and I bet she won't like THAT).

Things are about to get chaotic and exhausting for him - might be time to leverage that and for discussions on a rearrangement?

EG 'I take them permanently with occasional contact times, if you like, plus you pay for a dog sitter or whatever on days I really can't have them?'

Maybe even make friends with her and get her on your side? OK it's money, but advantages to her would be:

Long term reminders of his ex would no longer be in the picture, pulling focus from her and baby.

Him not going off spending time with you.

Space in their lives for their own young pets, that she helps choose.

No growing responsibility for the reality of caring for someone else's ageing pets.

And their child won't have to keep regularly saying goodbye to and missing them, because they'd have their own.

Worth being a bit supervillain there and planting a few ideas in their minds.

Then you can finally walk away from him. Because with that distance the itch will fade away. It won't matter.

I thought that. Like the '6 month babies' that were a thing in the 60s. Only seemed to be born 6 months after the wedding, strangely enough....

I just feel like, he's out there enjoying himself
Why should she suffer
Fake it till u make it

This is so batshit. Your username is ironic yeah?

Take much loved dogs to the fucking pound? Step daughter should stop talking to her step dad?

Mumsnet sure brings out the sociopaths.