Ex-H having baby with woman he has apparently been seeing for 3.5 weeks

[utterlygobsmackedrightnow]

Here is the background:
Ex-H and I were together for 12 years – the last few years weren’t great. We had periods of relationship counselling a few times, the most recent being between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out and DD and I stayed in the family home until June 2025 when we sold it and moved. Divorce has just gone through. DD off to uni. Everything has remained reasonably amicable and we share care of the family dogs so see each other for a quick dog handover most weeks and occasionally a cup of tea. I tried really hard to make our marriage work over the years but he never put the same degree of energy into this that I did – lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual. (Should also mention that he is DD’s stepdad, not bio dad, been in her life since she was 4).

This week:
Ex-H drops off the dogs last Friday and stops for a chat. He mentions that he has started seeing someone and thought he should tell me – that’s fair enough, we’ve not been properly ‘together’ for 2 years really as we agreed to separate in November 2023, and I imagined it would happen at some point and am very happy to be single and free of him. Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

Today:
He drops off the dogs AND TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. I express almost comedy levels of shocked surprise, followed by quite a lot of WTAF and does he seriously expect me to believe he is having a baby with someone he apparently didn’t date until the end of October??? He gets out his laptop to show me the email she sent him on 25th October asking him out for a coffee because he wants me to believe he is a decent man and telling me the truth. So let’s say that they went out for coffee 25 days ago, and had sex that day at the very earliest, she’s apparently pregnant now and they are both delighted???

This is insane, right? He genuinely expects me to believe that this has all happened since the 25th of October and that there was no relationship whatsoever between them previously. Does he think I am the stupidest woman in the world?

He’s 55, she’s 36. If they are actually having a baby, he’ll be 60 by the time it goes to primary school, and 74 when it goes to uni.

I don’t care about him meeting someone else, I sure as hell don’t want him – but I do care about the idea that there has probably been something going on since we were still together and he is lying to me though his teeth. I hate being lied to more than anything – it is treating someone like they are utterly stupid and beneath you. I hate the idea of completely losing trust in someone that I spent a long time with, and that is still part of my DD’s life. I am wondering if the bullshit cover story is actually because he doesn’t want my DD to hate and disrespect him, rather than giving a toss what I think of him. This is a man who really likes to think of himself as decent and honourable. There’s no chance this story is real, is there? It’s like the rational part of my brain can see it’s ridiculous and expecting me to believe it is quite frankly insulting my intelligence, but there’s another part that wants to believe in the ‘decent and honest man’ persona and can’t get my head around the idea that he has been lying to me for probably quite a long time, and is not the man I thought he was in any way, shape or form.

(BTW when I have ever read anything like this on MN I have suspected it was probably made up nonsense because it’s too ludicrous to be real, but this has actually happened to me this week, so I apologise to anyone I ever doubted because apparently this shit really does go on, in fairly normal people’s lives. And then I always wonder why people would immediately write about it on a random forum but I am still trying to process all of this and interested to hear what other women think, I guess.)

How old is DD? Personally I’d ask him to wait until the 12 week scan before telling her. Tell him you’re just concerned that so much can go wrong in the early weeks (especially at 2 weeks?!!), and it would be nicer to share when baby has been checked over to confirm all is okay.

His response might be quite telling if he’s lying & they’ve already had their scan. If he’s not & she’s genuinely just found out then he’s utterly bonkers to be telling everyone. And yes I wouldn’t believe for a second that things haven’t been going on for longer, even if it has been on & off. Always trust your gut.

Did you not ask him how far along she was / when she’s due? If not, get DD to 🤣 because there’s no way those dates add up!

I did mention his continued upkeep to his 50% of the dogs when he was here earlier and he says he loves his dogs and will definitely continue to honour that. It was also written into the separation agreement - how easy it would be to legally enforce that if he didn’t, I don’t know. He also contributes a small monthly amount to support DD’s uni living costs. He seems keen to make it clear he will honour these things because he’s a decent bloke, and right now probably even more keen to highlight that.

I actually know not one, but two women who have managed to get pregnant on the first date, so I don't see it as being totally implausible. Really it would just be easier to go along with his story regardless, your life with him is in the past, you are settled and content without him, your custody share of the dogs is amicable. You've nothing to gain by engaging with his drama.

I took two years to conceive my first child and had him at 35, I conceived my second at 37 on the first try, so it's perfectly possible.

What's more unlikely is that they know and are telling all and sundry at such a very early stage of the pregnancy. Either it's not his or the relationship has been going on much longer than he says. Sorry OP, he's probably lying.

Also just to say that I’m not looking to meet anyone else myself - I’ve reached a stage in my life where I’m happy on my own and have zero desire to complicate my life with another bloody man! I’m free!!!

Agree. God knows there are plenty of Mumsnet posts about "I am pregnant by my 'partner' of 9 days..." with lots of maudlin "yay a baybee!" responses as though that isn't utterly bizarre and irresponsible.

He's probably just trying to show you how sexually active and virile he is. Congratulate him, move on and stop sharing the dogs.

If he WAS cheating on you’ll, he never admit to it.

i would just say something along the lines of, “I’m only saying this once, and I don’t need any further discussion about it. You know I hate being lied to. There is not one single part of me that believes you have genuinely only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and are now thrilled to be having a baby together. But for the sake of DD and keeping the peace, I’m not mentioning this again, and as I said I won’t be discussing it any further. You can have whatever feelings you like about this, but let’s keep things civil and move past it now.”

That way, you’ve made it clear to him that you’re never going to believe him, so YOUR conscience can be clear and you don’t have to hang on to that resentment and anger from thinking (rightly or wrongly) that’s he’s been lying to you for to years. But you’ve also made it clear that you’re not going to keep bringing it up (which gives him an “out”, so hopefully he won’t keep going on about it and annoying you further) and hopefully ensures you can continue to co-parent your dog without their being any animosity. You get to say your piece, but then drop it. And DO drop it, and move past it, because he doesn’t deserve to take up any more of your head space.

I personally would find it very hard to believe that there wasn’t at least some kind of ‘emotional affair’ before things became physical - the email and date could’ve been genuine, but to have built up a level of intimacy and trust where you’re really happy to be expecting a baby with someone you’ve only been dating for 3.5 weeks… That takes time. He might not even see it as ‘cheating’ if they were “just talking” before dating, but emotional affairs are real and very harmful. My ex husband was guilty of them himself and always swore he’d change, but never did. And now he’s married to one of the women he was “just chatting” to. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I honestly couldn’t care less now, and was glad to be shot of him at the time, but knowing that he’d lied to me did hurt, so I do understand where you’re coming from, especially as your actual split has been so recent. Breakups are never easy, even when you’re happy about them.

I'm curious about ExH's intention re his former SD, the OP's DD.
He was her SDad since she was age 4. That is very significant.
He doesn't have any legal responsibility.
He is contributing to her uni costs which seems like the right thing to do as he is, apparently, her only father figure.
Does he plan to maintain a parental relationship indefinitely, or phase it out?
I suspect it will change drastically as the pregnancy progresses and when the baby is born.
How does his new partner feel about him maintaining a parental role with her?
What is bio-dad's status?

I think she planned it so she could have a "father" for her baby. Is he stupid?

I understand derstand your shock and pain but you need to try to just let it go. It's a waste of energy. You'll probably never get the truth. It's best to just accept that it doesn't matter now. You are better off without this man. Don't waste your time and energy going over what he may have done.

He’s your ex. Why do you care? He doesn’t owe you anything. Also, why does he owe your DD anything? He’s not her real dad. Your DD should be more interested in her real dad. Your ex took you on with someone else’s kid, so it was always some ticking time-bomb he would run off, or want a kid of his own. Guess what? He’s done exactly that. Good on him. You’re overjoyed about your DD, now your ex can also be overjoyed of a kid of his own - with someone else.

Honestly I’d just be pitying him right now. Going into his late 50s with a baby while you get to enjoy your freedom.

Go and live your life and stop worrying about when exactly he began dating another woman.

Totally implausible timeline, but god, what a lucky escape for you; at least you have no blood or financial ties to him. His current partner and child … well, good luck to them, they will need it.

He basically lied to you for the whole relationship in that he pretended to be a decent human but wasn’t. I guess this whole scenario just brings back how shit he was.

See it as confirmation that your relationship was dead in the water and you were right to be dissatisfied with him.

And absolutely count your lucky stars: only one thing worse than being lied to: being stuck with a shirky lazy liar for the rest of your life.

Please don’t give this your time or attention, the relationship is over and she’s welcome to him. Pointless being invested in whether he is lying about dates, you clearly do not trust him and he may or may not be trustworthy. Don’t get sucked into the past, focus firmly on the bright future ahead rather than being bitter.

I wouldn’t worry. Soon, mama-to-be won’t be at all comfortable with these cosy dog handover chats so she’ll put a stop to that.

“Does he plan to maintain a parental relationship indefinitely, or phase it out?
I suspect it will change drastically as the pregnancy progresses and when the baby is born.”

Why would his new partner object to his continuing to be a parent to a step daughter that is already old enough to be at university?

”Nicewoman” ????

I don’t think so.

I don't understand why the lie isn't more convincing though. I can't help thinking it might be true, otherwise he'd have at least said September or whatever.

Maybe they slept together quickly, condom split or whatever, she thought it was unlikely to be an issue but it was. They could well both be delighted if she thought she'd left it too late and it wouldn't happen for her, and he's secretly always wondered about having a biological child. Maybe they're both thinking this is their last shot and it comes to it they'll co-parent?

I know two women who got pregnant very quickly when older thinking it would never happen so not being as careful as they would have been when younger. One late 30s, pregnant within a fortnight of meeting. The other 43, pregnant the night they met!

Also, 1. Your DD should cut off contact with him, he’s not her real dad. She’s an adult & taking responsibility for her own life. What will they talk about? His excitement of starting a new life & baby that your DD has no connection to? 2. Don’t beat yourself up with conception time, lies etc. He’s your ex, move on. Forget him. 3. It’s not healthy having any sort of ongoing friendship or relationship with him. Take his dogs to the rescue pound so they can be adopted by someone else. Then you never have to see or speak to him again. Problem solved. Move on. Stop contact. In any event, his new partner will soon order him not to visit you or give you money as she will need his money herself.

I've been on here for years but never comment. Your post has compelled me to reply. Listen. It hurts. It hurts like mad but jeez you are well rid. Having a baby in your 50s. Good luck to him. I'm betting he will get bored of that very soon. Move on and leave them to it and stop doing doggy handovers. Don't give him any excuse to see you. Be strong!

I’m sure your friends are telling you - he’s a b you're well rid. I wonder what his side of the story is though? Wonder how excited his parents are in finally being grandparents. I bet they are elated.

You were with him for 12 years, why didn’t you want kids with him?

What a silly prat

You need to ignore the situation I think. It does sound like a pack of lies, but either way, it's good that you're already divorced.

Focus on yourself, your DD and your dogs.

how does that have any bearing?