Ex-H having baby with woman he has apparently been seeing for 3.5 weeks

[utterlygobsmackedrightnow]

Here is the background:
Ex-H and I were together for 12 years – the last few years weren’t great. We had periods of relationship counselling a few times, the most recent being between July – November 2023, at which point we agreed the relationship was over. We continued to live together as though we were still a couple until summer 2024 as we didn’t want to negatively impact DD’s exams. H then moved out and DD and I stayed in the family home until June 2025 when we sold it and moved. Divorce has just gone through. DD off to uni. Everything has remained reasonably amicable and we share care of the family dogs so see each other for a quick dog handover most weeks and occasionally a cup of tea. I tried really hard to make our marriage work over the years but he never put the same degree of energy into this that I did – lots of conflict over mental and practical load, family time, him putting his needs, wants, hobbies, work etc. before everything else – the usual. (Should also mention that he is DD’s stepdad, not bio dad, been in her life since she was 4).

This week:
Ex-H drops off the dogs last Friday and stops for a chat. He mentions that he has started seeing someone and thought he should tell me – that’s fair enough, we’ve not been properly ‘together’ for 2 years really as we agreed to separate in November 2023, and I imagined it would happen at some point and am very happy to be single and free of him. Then he says he first met her though a work thing in September 2023, but wants to make it clear that they didn’t meet again or date until October 2025, just a few weeks ago. This seems to me like quite an odd thing to say – why would he need to say that? Hmmm. Spidey senses kind of tingling, but fine, whatever – it’s all the past now.

Today:
He drops off the dogs AND TELLS ME SHE IS PREGNANT AND THEY ARE HAVING A BABY. I express almost comedy levels of shocked surprise, followed by quite a lot of WTAF and does he seriously expect me to believe he is having a baby with someone he apparently didn’t date until the end of October??? He gets out his laptop to show me the email she sent him on 25th October asking him out for a coffee because he wants me to believe he is a decent man and telling me the truth. So let’s say that they went out for coffee 25 days ago, and had sex that day at the very earliest, she’s apparently pregnant now and they are both delighted???

This is insane, right? He genuinely expects me to believe that this has all happened since the 25th of October and that there was no relationship whatsoever between them previously. Does he think I am the stupidest woman in the world?

He’s 55, she’s 36. If they are actually having a baby, he’ll be 60 by the time it goes to primary school, and 74 when it goes to uni.

I don’t care about him meeting someone else, I sure as hell don’t want him – but I do care about the idea that there has probably been something going on since we were still together and he is lying to me though his teeth. I hate being lied to more than anything – it is treating someone like they are utterly stupid and beneath you. I hate the idea of completely losing trust in someone that I spent a long time with, and that is still part of my DD’s life. I am wondering if the bullshit cover story is actually because he doesn’t want my DD to hate and disrespect him, rather than giving a toss what I think of him. This is a man who really likes to think of himself as decent and honourable. There’s no chance this story is real, is there? It’s like the rational part of my brain can see it’s ridiculous and expecting me to believe it is quite frankly insulting my intelligence, but there’s another part that wants to believe in the ‘decent and honest man’ persona and can’t get my head around the idea that he has been lying to me for probably quite a long time, and is not the man I thought he was in any way, shape or form.

(BTW when I have ever read anything like this on MN I have suspected it was probably made up nonsense because it’s too ludicrous to be real, but this has actually happened to me this week, so I apologise to anyone I ever doubted because apparently this shit really does go on, in fairly normal people’s lives. And then I always wonder why people would immediately write about it on a random forum but I am still trying to process all of this and interested to hear what other women think, I guess.)

He's a lying sod. They've been at it for a while. Clutch your pearls and give him a MN tinkly laugh next time he drops dogs back. Don't engage or ask about it, take the wind from his sails

Or maybe. just MAYBE , he’s telling the truth !
Not all Exs are full of lies & deceit !
For one thing , OP & her Ex aren’t together since June 24 , he could have easily said they are seeing each other for longer but he never wanted to say before incase it amounted to nothing .
Why make up such a stupid lie if she is much further along ??, & OP will see anyway when baby comes along , just doesn’t make any sense …
Be brought that lap top to prove to OP he is telling the truth ..

OP says not his daughter.

Regardless, her daughter has left home for Uni? They have zero ties together any more. Just MOVE ON. Not healthy.

I mean, who the hell would be 'delighted' to be having a baby with someone they hardly know! It's hard enough with someone you know and love!

I chatted with my best friend on the phone straight after he left and she was wondering if they had had deliberate unprotected sex or it was somehow an accident. He's not really the deliberate unprotected sex type. But I couldn't really ask, and it didn't even occur to me at the time when my head was spinning with the dates of everything.

@utterlygobsmackedrightnow i agree with you- the over explaining suggests there’s a lie in this somewhere. The fact he was at pains to explain how they’d just met is weird. At best he was chasing her in late 2023 as you were splitting up.

but why say the relationship is 5 weeks old ? He could’ve said he met her a year ago and all would be fine…

it’s such a bizarre story he has given that it’s either a very poor lie- or the truth!!

I think the big question is why is he trying to lie to you?

Also just to clarify that the laptop was in his car outside, he uses it for work, hence why he had it with him.

I think he could be telling the truth. Sounds like OP and ex have an ok relationship post marriage/divorce. He also seems to to care for DD, hence not disrupting exams.
I appreciate the shock experienced by OP.
Maybe he told the OP because he wants to be honest with her and DD. He wants to maintain fatherly role to DD.
If he's a decent human, he may well be in shock and sees OP as a friend that he respects, so wanted her to hear the news from him directly

What do you know of his living situation since he moved out? Has this woman moved in at some point without you or your DD knowing ?
There is no way they would be telling anyone if she was only 4 weeks along - this baby is going to 'arrive early'!
I agree with you it is very difficult to take this in and reframe it all, having separated and come to terms with what you thought was the truth of that time. It must open old wounds for you. You probably won't ever get the truth.
I would if possible try to take the piss out of him, and her when you meet her. Poke fun at the story - it's so ridiculous, it's a joke.

No, I'm pretty sure she is not living with him or anything like that. I think I last dropped dogs at his 2-3 weeks ago and all as usual.

You've missed your bit where you said she didn't have to see him. You were wrong, she does. Harder to move on when you see someone weekly.

No need to SHOUT at me dear. I fucking hate my ex. I never see him. But having a bit of sympathy for someone who has to wouldn't go astray.

I would have been floored too by that little lot of bull. They probably waited until the divorce was through and then she decided it was time for a baby.
Quite why he's lying to you is anyone's guess.
I suspect when baby arrives you'll find that the dogs suddenly end up with you full-time.

Its likely he was shagging her for longer than he claims. That said, hes the one saddled with a new baby at 55. He should have kept his dick in his pants 🤣

The best thing for him would be to have a DNA test as soon as the baby is born.

You split up two years ago. Why does it matter?

I have emotionally totally moved on, in the sense that our marriage is very much in the past and I am glad we are no longer making each other unhappy. But if the truth of the end of our relationship was that he was seeing someone else, and is now telling me quite preposterous lies, that is a pretty shitty way to treat someone that you spent a long time with and are still on good terms with. I feel like he is really not the person I thought he was, and my trust is gone. It's sad and disappointing, and I also feel like it's not great for my DD to see him behaving like that. I wanted him to be the decent man he makes himself out to be, not a liar.

10 months down the line, you can really savour your peaceful sleep and weekend lie-ins while sparing a small thought about him enduring endless broken nights.

1. Yes he was definitely seeing her before October, before the seperation....who knows??
2. the baby will be "premature"
3. It will be FUCKING HILARIOUS from your point of view, although you may have to wait for the punchline!!

Told this before on MN, but it bears repeating. I got to know the mother of one of DD's best friends at the school gate, as one does. I got the impression that she was the second wife as she mentioned a couple of kids that were his but not hers. Didnt think much of it. They had three kids.

Sports day rolled around and Dad was there. He was a good 20 years older than School Gate Mum, and a more defeated man I will defy you to see. I mentioned it to another mum who I became (and still am) friends with. SGM was the OW. My friends husband knew SGM's husband somehow (work, hobby, cant remember) and apparently he was like the cat that got the cream. When she got pregnant he was Mr Supportive, not like he was with his oldest kids (so she said). But three kids in he was almost 60, knackered and fed up but couldnt afford another divorce.

Start taking a look around you when you are shopping, especially clothes shopping or "mall" shopping. That young woman with kids spending a fortune, and the knackered old fart next to her, or the one with the hair transplant and the skinny jeans....thats not her dad, thats her pension plan husband. And you will laugh, I promise!

Maybe he lying, maybe he's not.

Many folks are open to sex after a coffee or less and startling amounts of people do not care one jot for safety.

At 36, if she wanted a baby she hadn't much time to lose, so wasted no time in getting started. After all, she already knows the man is likely fertile and probably solvent (?).

More fool him if he wants to be fathering another child to 74, having just emptied the nest.

Oh Christ! What an absolute idiot 🤣.

It does seem that he is lying. I don’t know why he feels the need to lie when he has not been in a relationship with you for some time, but maybe on some level it still feels to him like it’s cheating.

You’ve been separated 2 years he doesn’t owe you anything. Be happy for him and accept it. Hopefully in time you’ll move on and find someone too.

All these people saying "move on!"

She has - but he is someone she has to see regularly. And now he has told her something that has made her question what she thought to be true. It's not weird for her to be throw by this. Some people are totally lacking in empathy here.

I think you might find that you have the dogs full time once his baby is born.

I’d be thinking about how you can negotiate financial help with their upkeep. At the very least, plan for it. Because chances are those dogs are all yours inside a year.

I agree.