H ‘gone fishing’

[Muggymcmug]

H disappeared first thing this morning muttering something about going fishing. By the afternoon I tried to call then sent a message to remind him of something we had on in a couple of hours. Eventually responded to say that he was going to be night fishing & would be back in the morning. In this weather.

On a scale of 1-absolute bullshit, he’s a massive liar isn’t he?! There has been infidelity which he would swear is over.

You ok, @Muggymcmug ? Been thinking about you all day 😕.

If he comes back then do the same next weekend to him.

Then leave him.

Op of course he will turn up tomorrow, and he needs to explain himself to the children either way,
Just thinking are you in a position that you can go off for a couple of nights maybe a premier inn , just go turn your fone off , don't reply to any messages from him, tell the children your having a spa break and treating yourself,
When he walks in your grab your over night bag and tell him ' you'll see him in a few day's, walk away, not sure if this is doable op, because now your silence is golden, he will be expecting some tension when he comes home, don't play into it, try and stay calm while planning what your going to do,
Always remember ' no reply is a reply Always ' he's shown you so little respect here op,
You need to stay ' 1 foot ahead ' of him now, but stay quiet, smile, while making a plan,

Take the children out tomorrow so your not there when he returns, hope you can nip away for a night or so, let him have the children, leave him a list of what needs doing for the children,
Don't be nervous op but get angry that's what you need now, fire in your belly,

Stay strong 💪, no one deserves to be treated like this,

But you said he muttered something as he left in your OP?

Even if he's not cheating, he's behaving unforgivably not speaking to the kids or replying to you.

Absolutely hes months ahead of you emotion wise. Youre stunned, hes detached already.

Do not leave, please. Just do not let him in.

You're already alone, aren't you?

Yes? He left as I got back from the nursery run - so I didn’t see anything that he may or may not have packed into his car.

Not really. But also yes. Had a nice evening with the dcs. Currently watching shite on tv to try to turn my brain off. Think it will be a while before I manage sleep!

Pack his bags and put them outside the front door.

There are better times to come; you can be absolutely sure of that. Big love in the meantime.

I think you if you are planning on chucking him out or telling him to leave you should have a big, burly bloke there with you. A friend or family member who has your back. Watch the power dynamic change in front of your eyes.
I would definitely have reinforcements with you when he comes back home.
That's how you deal with bullies. Get someone bigger.

@Muggymcmug

Keep calm and keep quiet! At this point silence is your best friend. I know it's going to be so hard to act like you know nothing, but right now you have a head start on whatever may come. Until you tell him, you control the narrative.

See a solicitor quickly and quietly. Get educated on what divorce might mean to you and how to protect yourself financially and wrt the children and the house. What you can and cannot do financially before any papers are filed. Forewarned is forearmed. Knowledge is power.

This is a marathon not a sprint. As the old adage says "Slow and steady wins the race"

Fishing in November and night fishing is something that serious anglers would do. My husband being one. But it is not something he’d do just on a whim. Especially with the temperature.

He’d need a bivvy and some well insulated clothes. Do you have a river near you? Lakes would need to be booked in advance.

Even if he has gone fishing, what kind of partner just takes off without discussing with you first. Especially when you have children.

I am so sorry. Do you have family support close to you?

This brings back horrible memories of when my ex husband went missing for a couple of days. I couldn’t get him on the phone. When I did get him he said he was at a party with a friend and two blondes - he was deliberately torturing me. I left him and my life has never been better while his has gone down the pan.

So he's just left for two nights with no notice, leaving you with the kids, and is giving you a frankly ridiculous excuse that he's gone fishing. And now he's basically ignoring you?

Does he actually expect you to believe he's gone fishing?

Even if he is actually fishing, although I'd say there's a 0.0000000001% chance this is the case, the level of disrespect here is on another level.

Do you have anyone you can go and stay with? So you're not here when he gets back. That way you can get some support with the kids / your emotions too while you process all of this.

This behaviour is something I wouldn't be able to come back from - you do not deserve to be treated like this, and your life will be 1000% better in the long run without him in your life. It might not seem like it at first, but it will be.

I have builders in at the moment and my builder did actually take 2 days off this week for a fishing trip - so fishing in the freezing cold in November apparently is a thing!!

However, so is clear and consistent communication and planning ahead. It’s still massively unreasonable to just take off randomly with no warning or explanation!! Your intuition is most likely correct that he’s either lying or doing this ‘for space’. I think you need to work out what YOU really want and be ready for a tough conversation. I’m sorry. I’ve been there too and come out the other side a happy single parent, it can be done but I know it feels like a mountain.

Exactly that! It’s built on trust, not tracking! Just like it was 24 years ago when the option of tracking didn’t exist!

Sorry no pun intended, but the fishing is a red herring here, it’s irrelevant, it’s probably an excuse agree and he could well be cheating. My ex used to do similar, say he was at a work conference when we was with OW. What really hurt was that he’d not call to check on three small kids. One time our youngest was unwell when he left for his ‘conference’ and he didn’t call for four days to check on his own toddler. For me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, he didn’t care about us anymore. We were no longer his priority. I could cope at that time with not being his priority, but absolutely no way was I letting him treat our kids like that. I chucked him out a few days after he returned, then filled for divorce. He’d crossed the line.

I was being terribly sarcastic. If you have things to hide I totally understand why you wouldn’t want the 2-4 people nearest to you to know where you are.

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP.

Hope you've managed to sleep OP. Is there any way you could be there when he gets home? To see what he unpacks from the car?

That’s always the argument for a police state. Sounds totally suffocating

We have never even thought of tracking each other, I'd find it very weird of he asked as well. If we are out, we give an idea of home time or just arrive whenever. If one of us is worried, we ring or text and the other replies. Even when he goes away I'd get an evening video call for the kids and probably nothing else, I don't need anything else either.

@Muggymcmug hope you're doing okay, it's one type of feelings for you but when kids are involved that's when it's especially cruel the way he's going on.