Looking more than a friendship but no sex

[Madammewington]

I am divorced, late 50s and after ten years of being single I have started to think I might like a relationship but I am absolutely not interested in sex.
(I am not looking for advice on hrt or anything else to improve my libido)
Other forms of physical affection ie hand holding and cuddling would be nice.
I’m open to the idea of living together or living apart and just spending a lot of time together.
I am thinking about trying online dating on the small chance there might be a man out there who feels the same but presumably the vast majority are looking for sex even in the age group which would interest me.
Does anybody else feel like this? Has anybody tried looking?

Generalisations exist because that's how it works- 'most' . Not all.

OP I think you will be fine. There are plenty of men out there with little or no interest in sex. Plenty of my friends are married to them!

That's a very different set up. Sex life between long term couples can decline with time.

Couples stay together for reasons to do with finance, a shared history going back decades, children, and the upheaval of a divorce. Many simply can't afford a divorce it it were to mean two houses in later life, especially if near retirement and less income.

It's when one of them makes the break and starts again that things may change.
Nothing is more exciting for most men (and women too before you say it's 'generalising' than a new and attractive partner.

Starting again, most people hope for something different!

The reality is that if these marriages break up, many men do not want another no sex set -up.

Well I think I will give it a try, if only to report back!
For the record, I have no problem with anyone being asexual - why would I?- my comment was aimed at the marketing blurb of a couple of dating sites I had just seen with the endless list of demi, pan, omni, gray, poly, gyne, aromantic etc.
I am old enough to believe you either fancy men, women, both or nobody and these new made up terms of “specialness” make me roll my eyes.

I have a friendship with a man.
I'm mid-50's, absolutely no interest in sex anymore, and like you, dont need fixing, hrt, or finding someone I fancy.
He is a widow, and we met purely by chance.
We holiday together - as a PP mentioned, separate beds - see each other a couple of times a week, lunch, cinema..
He says he absolutely does not want a relationship, although for all I know he could be seeing a different woman every night - who am I to judge?
I have female friends too, who i see for the same activities, but sometimes it's just nice to do things with a man and enjoy their company ...

.
Oh dear

Which says she’s not actually asexual.

Being asexual and not wanting sex are very different things, she may have normal sexual urges, but not want to have sex for multiple reasons.

She may have issues with her body, weight, scars, illnesses, dysfunctions, and not want anyone to see or touch her body, she may have suffered sexual trauma, and be too scared, she maybe gay and not wish to come out or confront it, there are so many reasons someone may chose not to have sex, but it doesn’t make them asexual. Just unwilling or unable to engage in that manner.

"There may be some men who aren't fussed about sex but they are very few and far between."

How can you talk for the entirety of men? Because YOU are fussed about sex, ergo ALL - or "most" - men are just like you? This is a logical fallacy called the bandwagon fallacy.

You have NO idea how many men are asexual/low libido. No one does. WHY?

Because even admitting to themselves that they're not that keen on sex is forbidden to men, because otherwise they're "less of a man", a "half-man", a "non-person", and they feel ashamed.

There's a lot of posturing and jostling between men, competition and aggression, it's not safe for a man emotionally OR sometimes even physically to say something as iconoclastic as, "I don't want sex" or "I can take or leave sex".

So NO man is going to tell another man any such thing. They're not going to dispute the utter importance with which you hold sex either, for fear that they'll be deemed a pansy or loser. They might even join in with ribald jokes etc. In fact, they are probably more likely to lead with such sexual language to disguise their shame that actually, they can take or leave sex or OMG they don't even really like it.

This groupthink monolithic talk about men by men does a disservice to men.

Companionship.

You have no idea if I'm fussed about sex or not. So you've shot yourself in the foot there making wild assumptions.

You have no more right to say what a poster does or doesn't know than those you are criticising.

BUT some of us have jobs where we are exposed to this perhaps more than others.

"But when it comes with an implied judgement of people who do - as if seeing sex as important means a person is slightly inferior and shallow, just governed by base, animal desires - that's when when it becomes irksome."

Looking at this thread, it obviously goes the other way too. OP felt she had to say in her first post "I am not looking for advice on hrt or anything else to improve my libido" for a reason.

And sure enough, every 6 or so responses are something like "I’m a bit confused as to why someone so young would write off a sex life?" aka what's wrong with you?

Not to mention that any thread on Mumsnet about a woman not wanting sex instantly receives a flock, nay swarm, of men insisting on telling us women how important sex is to them.

Women KNOW this, most of us got that oppressive and dehumanising memo by the time we were 18 or earlier. And now a lot of us really aren't interested in how much sex you or any other man thinks is the "right" amount.

Agreed - as someone in a low/no sex relationship I'll be the first to say I wouldn't want to repeat it. If you both declined at the same rate - the sex wouldn't be an issue as you were both in the same place at the same time - but this is like the planets aligning so someone is always likely to be disappointed.

I was with you till I read this. One would think that, if you’re experiencing the life of someone not interested in sex, you would empathise with others feeling the same, in whatever circumstances or age group they happen to be. You’re judging them the same way you’re being judged by some posters here, or the same way some posters think men can only have a relationship based on sex. It’s all quite narrow minded.

This is a reactively defensive response. And a strawman fallacy.

And it neither listens to nor addresses my point.

Which is that you have NO idea of what other men want.

Because men are not allowed to be honest, not even with themselves.

Because men are not allowed to be honest, not even with themselves.

That is a straw man argument.

How do you know what men think and want? But you have the nerve to tell other posters they don't know.

Stop digging. And stop coming over so aggressively.
You can make a point without getting all heated and personal.

You keep missing the point. Maybe you should listen rather than instantly defend yourself.

You're not the only one on this thread here who keeps saying that all - "most" - men are horndogs slavering for sex. But the fact is, no one knows what proportion of men really are testosterone-addled horndogs, because men are not allowed to be honest about sex or any other "manly" attribute. It means that a lot of men live inauthentic emotionally-stunted lives, where they lie to themselves, to each other, and to women.

And that causes a lot of misery for everyone.

Yes I was gonna say, there are so many threads where it’s the man who isn’t interested in sex, has ED, just not fussed. SO many threads where the woman is sexually frustrated.
So there are plenty of men like this.

This is the part I don't understand. If sexual attraction is not the point, then why not have exactly this kind of relationship but with a woman? There'd be far more of them (like you) to choose from, and you wouldn't have to put up with all the crap women are always complaining about about men.

This absolutely.

In my profession I have worked with a very large number of couples over the years who have an imbalance of libidos. Sometimes it’s the woman who has a much lower need for sex. And sometimes it’s the man. In fact, it’s probably 50/50. Not only that, but I have worked with men in relationships who are just not interested in sex. Not because they are older and have lost interest in their wife. I mean men who never had much of a sex drive, in their 20s and 30s. They are embarrassed about it, ashamed even. For some reason although we have come around to the idea that women can enjoy sex we can’t accept that some men don’t.

So, in answer to your question OP. It’s unusual, but not rare or unheard of, to not be interested in sex. And this applies to both men and women. Try being really upfront about what you want. There may well be men who are glad to be honest about what they really want. Not having to pretend to be an oversexed stud.

This

This!

Sounds fine to me. I’ve seen many posts on here over the years about women living with men who aren’t interested in sex and women who go on dates with men who nothing seems to happen with for a while then when they attempt sex there are obvious ED issues that the man doesn’t show interest in fixing. It’s just a case of finding one of those men.

you or any other man

I’m not a man.

And I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with people, male or female, being asexual or losing interest in sex. Unless they’re my partner - who I’m pleased to say is very much DTF most of the time - it has zero impact on me and is no concern of mine. Where have I said anything about what the ‘right’ amount of sex is?! I haven’t judged anyone’s sex drive. You’re either confusing me with someone else or you’re doing a hell of a lot of projecting.

The fact that you assume people to whom sex is important must be men is precisely what I was talking about when I talked about implied judgement. It’s pretty misogynistic to imply a high sex drive is an unfeminine trait. It’s essentially slut-shaming, and every bit as offensive as assuming that all men are sex-obsessed.

There are definitely men who aren’t interested in sex - I just think it will be difficult for the OP to find one on a dating site, as I don’t think mainstream dating sites are where those men are likely be found in large numbers, and she isn’t willing to look at sites or groups for asexual people.

DH and I are late 50s and we don’t have a lot of sex these days, neither of us miss it tbh. Plenty of cuddles and affection. But we have 22 years of marriage, nearly 30 years together to fall back on. I think it would be hard to recreate that from scratch.

Well, as a fifty something woman, I was going to respond constructively but as the mother of an ace, in every way, daughter, you lost me at alphabet soup of those who want a badge to proclaim they are special. Would you make the same comment about people who were same-sex attracted?

You are however correct that there is a difference between being asexual (so not experiencing sexual attraction or sexuality full stop) and heterosexual but not wanting a sexual relationship. It’s possible to make that point without being rude.

I wonder if it's worth you 'revisiting' (as they say) @Madammewington why you don't want sex?

A few posters have challenged you on this but you've not replied.

Your flippant 'can't be bothered with more shagging' does seem to say you never enjoyed it before. Was it just a chore and one-sided?

That's fine if that's how you are. BUT it does beg the question of why.

If you were long-married to someone who wasn't able to satisfy you and sex was something you put up with, keep your mind open to the idea that men do differ in how they behave! Not all men are the same in bed.

It seems sad to decide you never want sex again when it can be pleasurable if you know how to communicate your needs and have an unselfish partner.

And, of course, it's a very big ask to expect a man to forgo that as well.