Looking more than a friendship but no sex

[Madammewington]

I am divorced, late 50s and after ten years of being single I have started to think I might like a relationship but I am absolutely not interested in sex.
(I am not looking for advice on hrt or anything else to improve my libido)
Other forms of physical affection ie hand holding and cuddling would be nice.
I’m open to the idea of living together or living apart and just spending a lot of time together.
I am thinking about trying online dating on the small chance there might be a man out there who feels the same but presumably the vast majority are looking for sex even in the age group which would interest me.
Does anybody else feel like this? Has anybody tried looking?

I feel exactly the same. I'd like to be in a relationship that is affectionate and supportive but have absolutely zero interest in a sexual relationship.

I would start by looking on an asexual dating site

A lonely man with no other options might be fine with this arrangement. A deliberately sexless relationship is better than being on your own. But I would think if the option of a relationship with sex presented itself, he'd generally prefer that.

I definitely think there will be men out there that exist (although in the minority) that want this kind of relationship OP. My only worry would be that you would attract a man who doesn’t take it very seriously, thinks you want to take it slow rather than no sex at all and wastes your time and potentially becomes nasty when he evidentially expects sex from you. Unfortunately a lot of men cannot grasp that some people are totally uninterested in sex.

I would spend some time researching some websites where people are looking for a connection other than sex.

My mate has a bf in his 50s she’s in her 40s and she’s going to dump him cause it’s clear he’s looking for the same as you but she’s a nympho. They’ve only had sex twice in 6 months and it’s not for want of her trying. So they are out there, just need to start making the effort to find one!

So what would this companion provide that your friends don’t? Not being goady. I won’t ever have sex again. Cba. But I don’t want a man in my life full stop.

Do you want the companion to be like the sort of best friend you have at school? You say you don’t need to live with them, so it’s clear that isn’t the thing you are missing.

Possibly a slightly out there suggestion but given that you're not wanting sex, presumably actually being attracted to this person isn't an issue.

In which case, would another woman be able to offer the companionship / affection you need? There's very few men in their 50s who'd want a relationship with any and all forms of sex off the table, but there's a lot more woman in that situation. And at the very least you'd be doubling your pool of potentials

I'm 54,married twice and have been single for eight years. I don't want to have sex ever again. Two of my male friends are the same. One says it's the pressure and the other has no libido.
For me, after so long without it, I love living this way and think I probably never liked it much.

But you’re looking for male companionship - I’m in my 50’s with a very active social life and I have yet to meet a man in his 50’s/60’s that didn’t want a healthy sex life. The key here is their testosterone... @Bungle2168 is not wrong in their comments.

There will be men out there but it may take a while to find them - there are not many with a low libido or are asexual.

I would steer clear from any of the mainstream dating sites as from mine and my 50 something b friends experience, regardless of how cheek you state you’re not looking for quick or casual sex mist of the men on there push for it anyway but start off by pretending they’re looking for something more serious.

There may be that rare needle in a haystack but you’ll come across a lot of liars and chancers in your pursuit

I’m pretty sure a ‘nympho’ wouldn’t be settling for sex twice in 6 months

I’d also want to be sure that any man I entered into this sort of relationship with, didn’t have other reasons rather than ed or low libido. Like he didn’t have sexual urges outwith the mainstream and wanted to be with a woman for some form of respectability, a semblance of he’s in a relationship to the outside world, but maybe a paedophile or something.

however again, I’d examine the firm never wanting sex again thing personally. It means I guess you really don’t wish to be physically attracted to any partner, and you don’t wish them to be physically attracted to you, otherwise that could be problematic at some point.

so are you just looking for companionship. Someone to behave like you’re in couple with, do things together, but really just a male friend?

I think most men want a close relationship and sex as part of that. Hand holding is part of romantic love as is sex. I can't imagine cuddling with my mates.

As others have said you need to find someone asexual

OP I don’t feel that anyone is being overly confrontational, more that they are pointing out that it may be a little slow going in finding someone. Purely because of the difference in biology between men and women.

Low libido maybe, but there would always be the risk that a man with erectile dysfunction would discover that it is easily treated.

I'm in a relationship without sex because of my health issues. I have no interest in sex in any form. I'm mid thirties, partner is mid 50s. He has got a chronic illness which means his energy for sex is lower. We were at it like rabbits in the early days but things change and he respects me. We still cuddle and kiss and spend lots of time together. Both happy with the arrangement.

I'm fully aware this could change and if the relationship breaks down over lack of sex then so be it. I'm not a sex doll or maid. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If this relationship ends in any way I'm totally happy being single and would not date again unless it was in an asexual/companionship/female only relationship. Not interested in men, their bad behaviours as documented all over mumsnet or their sex pest antics.

I think as long as your clear up front, don't get emotionally invested too early in case they start pestering, keep finances and housing completely separate you'll be fine. It will be a smaller pool but not impossible. I think the suggestion to try specialist websites and agencies is a good shout. Be aware that some shady websites operate under two different names. They advertise to woman as "soulmates dot com" and to the men as "sex sluts dot com" so don't assume the men you are talking to are on the same page. Speaking from bitter experience.

The problem is not that there aren't any men out there not interested in sex, there's plenty. But they wouldn't be interested in a romantic relationship either, involving cuddling and spending lots of time together, or even a friendship with a woman really. It's my opinion and experience that those things are all tied up for men, whereas woman can desire one without the other.

Would you be okay with the man having sex with other people whilst being in an 'intimate' but non-sexual relationship with you?

I guess you could find someone who has medical problems preventing them for having sex/sexual desire.

I suppose you should be quite up front about the fact you don't want it at all. As most people will assume it would feature to some degree in any new relationship.

Or could you be with someone who has sex with other people?

I think this is refreshingly honest OP - you are being upfront about things so anyone you do meet knows exactly where they stand. I wish more people were like you to be honest. Maybe there is a gap in the dating market though? Although friends without benefits are just friends as PP said.

My old neighbours were both well into their 80s and used to boast about their sex life - so I don't think age is a good measure - we are only alive once!

There are asexual men out there, or men whose libido has been killed off by medication or illness (antidepressants, diabetes etc) who still want the warmth of a loving relationship without sex. You can only find them by stating what you are after on a dating site and seeing who replies.

You can't expect a man to sign up for 20+ years of celibacy and just hold hands IMO.

Either it's a sexual relationship - even if that means you stop short of penetration if you find it physically uncomfortable (can be sorted, by the way) - or he's a platonic friend.

Very unlikely you will find a straight man who wants what you're offering unless he has health issues and ED.

It's not clear why you dislike sex, because you still want some affection and romantic gestures but for whatever reason aren't willing to willing to be physically intimate.

That's more the scenario with long marriages in old age but not the 'wish list' with a new man before you're even 60.

Have you asked yourself if you could prefer a same sex relationship?

My friend has this type of relationship with her husband. No sex for over 20 years. The sleep in separate rooms but hold hands, link arms. She is very clear she won't ever have sex again, he accepts it although would be more than happy to. I guess the difference is he already loved her when she decided not to have sex and they have a house together and an adult child.

If he knew it was deliberately sexless to start with then that's fine - but who sets out actively saying that...

i have an older female relative who has this. A special male platonic friend. They’ve been together for decades I think, so perhaps since she was in her 60s, or maybe even her 50s? There were religious aspects in this case (ie no sex before marriage), and they met through church I think. She has never been married and I’m 99% certain is a virgin.

After some years they did make plans to get married, but then she (or both of them?) backed off from that, presumably because she or they didn’t want to change their way of being together. So they continued as they were. They don’t live together.

edited for clarity.