Looking more than a friendship but no sex

[Madammewington]

I am divorced, late 50s and after ten years of being single I have started to think I might like a relationship but I am absolutely not interested in sex.
(I am not looking for advice on hrt or anything else to improve my libido)
Other forms of physical affection ie hand holding and cuddling would be nice.
I’m open to the idea of living together or living apart and just spending a lot of time together.
I am thinking about trying online dating on the small chance there might be a man out there who feels the same but presumably the vast majority are looking for sex even in the age group which would interest me.
Does anybody else feel like this? Has anybody tried looking?

You never know, there might be a middle-aged man who can’t have sex for medical reasons. Prostate or something.

I think it’s find for you to decide that you’re up for an affectionate and romantic relationship without sex. Just be honest about it and accept that you may not find it.

Here here 👏🏻

For whatever reason OP desires a strictly asexual relationship. To then be derogatory towards asexuals who have built a community of understanding for people with these exact needs and desires is quite baffling.

I think a lot of men with ed still want sexual intimacy though, as in their minds still go there, just the equipment doesn’t work, so other things happen in the bedroom .

So I think the op is really looking at a man who simply has no interest in sex with her at all, so completely unattracted to her. I’m not sure then they’d wish the romance,of holding hands and cuddling, a long term relationship may evolve that way, but there isn’t going to be many who want to offer what she’s looking for from the get go.

And as it’s really hard to find someone even when you wish a full relationship, this must be very hard to find. It’s also a bit odd. I that’s what you want, why doesn’t friendship just work?

I totally understand OP - I’m 63 and would want the same .

Agree. I met someone who had permanent ED due to prostate cancer but he still had sexual desires and was all over me on every given opportunity.
I think a lot of older men who can’t get an erection like to prove they’re still good sexual partners by offering every other form of sex other than penetration

I agree. It's almost hysterical, as though people who like sex (or rather, they are psychologically dependent on it) are really really threatened, terrified even, by people who say they can't be bothered with sex and don't want it.

And all those saying that "most" men wouldn't be interested in an asexual loving physically companionable relationship with a woman, they're projecting themselves on other men like all men are a monolith. This is the patriarchy at work: men HAVE to be slavering sex hounds, otherwise they will be penalised socially by other men.

In these conditions, which man is going to say, "I'm actually not fussed about sex, don't really enjoy it, find it a messy and boring faff. I am interested in affection, good conversation, caring for each other when we're ill, sharing life with a woman I like and love"? No one. Just like gay men had to play along and pretend for centuries, so too do asexual or low libido men still have to play along. And all of this means these men live inauthentic lives - all because of the high-temperature hysteria about men and sex.

If you dismiss people who are asexual - which is an odd choice on your part, as you are one of them - then realistically, your only chance of forming a romantic relationship with a man around your age who doesn't want sex will be with a man who has zero libido for some medical reason or other.

Personally, I think it's unlikely that many - if any - men in that situation are going to be using dating sites unless they are sites that are for, or at least accommodate, people who are openly asexual.

But you obviously won't know unless you try.

Are you seriously saying that the only thing a man could get from a relationship is sex?

Obviously men also want love and affection and companionship - but that doesn't mean they don't want sex as well.

If someone has a libido, they're not going to want a new relationship that doesn't include it. Of course sex isn't the only thing men might want from a relationship, but it's certainly one of the things they're likely to want, and that's completely normal and reasonable of them.

I'm not a man, but if I found myself single and looking for a new relationship at my age (49) I wouldn't even entertain the idea of dating a man who didn't want sex. If my existing partner became unable to have sex, I wouldn't leave him because I love him so much, but that's a love that's been built up over nearly a quarter of a century. I wouldn't sacrifice it for someone new, not in a million years.

I think you would do well to have realistic expectations - and to stop being so weirdly dismissive about the asexual community when you are, apparently, asexual.

You are describing an extreme which doesn't exist.
There may be some men who aren't fussed about sex but they are very few and far between. Those that aren't keen are often unable to because they have medical conditions.

She doesn't want to think of herself as asexual.

I am sure if he could turn the clock back he would though - or he is getting satisfaction elsewhere or with someone else - who on earth would stick around for that long missing something they clearly want in this day and age?

Not thinking of herself as asexual is unhelpful to her, unfortunately.

Much as it would be unhelpful for a woman attracted strongly and solely to other women not to think of herself as gay.

I didn’t say she was, I said she was looking for an Asexual Relationship. A committed romantic connection with someone with no sexual intimacy. She can call herself what she likes but she’s going to have a tough time if a wonderful loving man comes along, looking for the same thing, but OP disregards him because he’s in the “alphabet mafia” or whatever horribly derogatory comment was made.

I agree. It's almost hysterical, as though people who like sex (or rather, they are psychologically dependent on it) are really really threatened, terrified even, by people who say they can't be bothered with sex and don't want it.

I don't think anyone is threatened or terrified.

I do think a lot of people find it irritating that some people (note that I say only 'some') who declare they 'can't be bothered with', don't want or dislike sex can be a) unrealistic in their expectations of others or b) quite dismissive and disdainful of people to whom sex is important.

If people don't like sex, that's fine. But when it comes with an implied judgement of people who do - as if seeing sex as important means a person is slightly inferior and shallow, just governed by base, animal desires - that's when when it becomes irksome.

I think what you are looking for would have been much easier to find pre viagra OP.

Be very interesting to see you come back to this @Madammewington after you've tried finding a man.

There will be some who regard you as a challenge and try to change your mind.
There will be others who want a nurse maid.
There will be some who are gay and want a 'front' to save face (yes, even now.)
There will be others who look on you as a 'sugar mummy' if you have your own home and income.

Somewhere there may be a good man who parked his sexual urges long ago and can't find them now, and is happy to settle for cuddles on the sofa and interesting conversation, without getting a stirring in his loins. But he's going to be a very rare beast.

Totally agree.

It’s actually not that unusual for men to be asexual at all. They are just much more embarrassed about it than women because men are all supposed to be randy all the time.

I absolutely dispute these generalisations. I am much more "sex focused" then most men I know. Three of my five long term relationships ended at least in part because the men had much lower libidos than me and the sex was boring and infrequent. (There were other issues too, but still).

OP I think you will be fine. There are plenty of men out there with little or no interest in sex. Plenty of my friends are married to them!

Why do you say that? Pre-viagra men still had sexual desires - they may have suffered diabetes complications, smoking related illnesses or prostate cancer treatment. They still have sexual desires even though they suffered from ED - for which viagra could maybe help them.

I saw another thread that "blamed" viagra for DH wanting to have sex with his DW because they were 60 - if someone wants sex and there partner doesn't (rather than can't) they simply aren't (or are no longer) compatible in this regard.

The amount of posts inferring that there is something wrong with you! I just wanted to say that I agree totally with your sentiments and that you are completely normal. I am in my forties.

I think you should approach it from the angle of a lodger rather than suggesting a romantic relationship from the outset . My friend had a male lodger of a similar age and they have become close , hugs , support etc but no sex . It works for them .

@Madammewington

My cousin felt (feels) the same as you. She wants an 'affectionate companion' not a 'lover'. She's in her early 60s. And she's given up.

She tried a few times on dating sites but pretty much anyone she connected with expected that sex would happen at 'some point' so she gave that up. Strike One. She reconnected with an old 'Uni' boyfriend who told her "that's fine, I can't 'perform' anyway due to my heart". Well, turned out he actually could 'perform' with a LOT of help and expected her to do, ahem, sexual gymnastics to enable him. Strike two. Then she reconnected with an old client (professional relationship in the past only) who told her he'd always been attracted to her but because he was married at the time he never said anything. He said he would be happy to just have an 'affectionate' relationship and if she happened to change her mind, that would be fine. Except that he was determined that she change her mind and became quite a sex pest. And that was strike three. She decided to 'retire herself to the bench' and sit out the 'dating game'.

Moral of the story: Men are never too old to want or expect sex. Men will lie to get sex. There may be some worthwhile men out there who would be happy with just companionship, but if there are good luck finding one!

She also ran into quite a few wanting a 'nurse with a purse' and just as many who already had the purse, they just wanted a nurse. No dice from her on those, too!

No, but it’s part of a normal relationship, regardless of age. Asking someone to go into a celibate relationship is a hard ask.🤷‍♀️

I use online dating and I’ve come across 1 man who couldn’t have sex due to botched surgery. He still wanted a sex life though just without penetration. He’s one out of many men I’ve spoken too. OD is difficult when you do want a sexual relationship without it nigh on impossible I’d say. Many men our age (I’m late 50s too Op) have endured sexless marriages and absolutely will not go there again.

A lot of people are talking about erectile dysfunction as if that will mean a man has no sexual urges.

It doesn’t. Being unable to get an erection doesn’t stop men having the desire for sex or stop them being able to orgasm.

It simply means they can’t fulfil that desire through penetrative sex. Men can orgasm without an erection.

Did he live in Ipswich by any chance?